Ruin Me

She hated the fact that she got so pissed so easily over some things but damn him. He cannot think that she would not get jealous.
Hell, she knew she had no right to be jealous at all but she hated that skinny nosy ass bitch and she needed to just step off the face of the earth.
She got up from laying on the bed and looked outside.
The summer sun was just starting to go down but it was still so hot.
Her mind wandered to earlier in the day when he told her to come with him to see his car that he had been working on for so long and had finally got running. The giddiness that assaulted her told her that she was too hooked into her best friend in the wrong ways. He was not interested in her that way, he had never made a move on her so she figured, that was that. She was so much older than he was so that had to be the issue. All used up and ready for the shelf.
When she saw that skinny whore bounding out of the building as well and running up to him. Oh Hell no.
When she saw his face she realized he was annoyed but then he could have just left and not told her. The anger washed over her and she realized that the anger was pure jealousy. She wanted this man to herself and now this stupid bitch was out here fawning over him as they walked to the garage.
Wonder how her boyfriend who was upstairs would like this shit? Watching his woman flirt with another man.
She saw that he was glancing at her now and again a slight worried frown on his face.
When they reached the garage she looked the car over, was impressed then said she had to go and left. She saw his face reflect his worry and shock but damn fuck this.
A knock on her door took her out of her reverie.
Pulling it open she stared up at him and her voice left her.

"Hi, sorry to just come over without calling but I needed to see you." he said softly.

"Ok, well oh..come in..." she stammered and then stepped aside.
He walked in past her and she wondered what was up cause he did not just come over like this no matter what.
When she closed the door and turned to see him there watching her she placed her hands on her hips feeling some annoyance creep into her at the way he was looking at her. He looked displeased.
"What?"
"You just walked off and didn't look the car over so I brought it here." He stepped closer.
"I didn't ask her to come down she just saw me log off and ran out. I can't help that."
Her annoyance faded and then she sighed.
"I'm sorry I just can't stand that bitch."
"I know..I know...but damn, you looked at her like you wanted to punch her in the mouth." he chuckled. "I got worried you would do it. "
She snorted and then shook her head. "I know better than that but then I did think about it."
His smile faded a little as he stared and she felt the shift in the mood. Felt the heat began to simmer in his eyes as well as her belly. What in the ever living hell was going on here. He did not look at her like that.
One finger lifted to push a tendril of hair from her cheek and he said very softly, "I am not interested in her at all. I ....." he sighed then that one finger turned into his hand tangling into her hair to cup the back of her head as he pulled her against his tall, hard body.
Before she could even wonder his lips captured hers in a long kiss that she leaned into instinctively. This man was the center of her fantasies and the man she loved.
He groaned as her mouth opened to receive his tongue and the stood there wrapped in each others arms.
His lips lifted and he whispered. "I love you but damn you are a wild thing that never is still." he smiled down at her.
"I'm the kind of girl who has a restless mind and impatient legs." she said softly then nipped his bottom lip as one of those legs curled around his legs so she was pressed fully against her. She could feel his arousal and she reveled in that. Knowing he was here for her. Knowing he wanted her as much as she wanted him.
He growled and then scooped her up in his arms.
Soon she was on her back on her bed, her t shirt up around her waist and she realized she was not even dressed to see him. She had been relaxing in her panties and a t shirt. But the look in his eyes was something that heated her to her core. This is what she wanted all along.
She decided it was time for her to do some seduction. His eyes widened as he watched as her fingers nervously flicked the well worn elastic of her white cotton panties.
"I want you to ruin me." She whispered staring into his eyes. "I want to ruin you."
That sexy growl came again and he was on her, lips claiming, hands possessing and she knew this was last a long tie.

Loving in Silence

The snow fell softly outside the window and she knew her tears fell just as softly down her cheeks.
She found she did not cry as much as anymore over the feelings she had for this man as she realized that the heart did harden after a while.
Unrequited love is some of the hardest love to deal with and here she was caught up in a tornado of it.
The words she had written down in the notebook earlier were how she felt.
Never would she utter her feelings out loud to him. Never would she touch his cheek, stare into his blue eyes before she pressed her lips to his.
Never would she hear his voice whisper to her in the night how much he loved her.
Never would she wake up next to the man she loved with all her heart and soul.
He was her twin flame and she felt as if she was being torn in two. Watching the other half of her wander off into the winter snows of her mind.
She tore the paper out of the notebook, stared at the words and then tossed it into the trash.
Those words did not need writing down for they were seared on her heart and would always echo in her mind.

I choose to love you in silence, for in silence I find no rejection.
I choose to love you in loneliness for in loneliness no one owns you but me.
I choose to adore you from a distance, for distance will shield me from pain.
I choose to kiss you in the wind, for the wind is gentler than my lips.
I choose to hold you in my dreams, for in my dreams you have no end.

Deep Emotions

Fuck, she muttered as she slammed the car door.
Her heart was pounding with anxiety and sadness. My god, this can't be fucking happening she thought to herself as she sat behind the steering wheel.
He has lost his mind. Why in the fuck would he want to be with that woman? She was a hot mess and she was going to bring it all down on him. My hell. She muttered fuck again and started the car.
A deep breath to calm her nerves she pulled out of the garage.
She knew he would text her in a moment. Worried cause she just made some lame excuse about not feeling well and logged off.
Well fuck, why hang around to hear more about this person invading her person's life.
He was HER person.
Suddenly she saw the text come on the radio so she allowed it to come through.
'Hey where did you go? You ok?'
She pressed a button the steering wheel and let it go without a reply. Right now she was in turmoil and could not answer.
She knew she was being an over emotional bitch but she needed to vent this out. She did not want to vent at him but she just couldn't get past this. It was selfish she knew, he needed someone in his life to love like she had but my god why couldn't they just try.
It was different, her relationship but not so weird Lots of people were open and happy.
"Fuck it. God no more" she muttered as she drove home.

The next morning she just could not get out of bed so she laid there staring into space. She called in and remained there for hours.
Her phone rang and when she looked over at it she saw it was him. Calling me this time, now that was new. She let it go to voicemail then picked it up to hear what he had to say.
'Hey, you need to come let me in cause its raining out here. Come on now. I know you are home." his soft voice made her shiver and then she sat up.
'HERE?" She croaked and jumped up out of bed. Tugging on a robe she went to the door, pulling it open there he stood staring at her with tired eyes.
"What the hell...." she said but her voice trailed off as he stepped into the house past her and she stared at him.
"You had me worried." he said turning to look at her.
She blushed realizing she looked like hell. Hair a mess, no makeup, a robe on.
His blue eyes were trained on her, she could see he was tired and wary. God she did this to him with her petty bullshit.
One hand ran through her hair and she sighed, "I am sorry. I was not handling anything very well. And you drove all those hours to get here?"
"Yeah and I would do it again to make sure you are ok." he stepped closer looking down at her.
"I know you are scared but I am here to show you that there is nothing to worry about. I am not going anywhere." He tugged her into a hug and her arms went around his middle, her eyes pricked with tears and she felt them start to fall.
"I am sorry. You deserve love in your life and I am acting like I own you and....well I am scared." she sniffed then looked up at him.
He shook his head, "Your tears ..don't cry little one please."
She wiped at her eyes with one arm then whispered.
"I don't know what it's like not to have deep emotions, even when I feel nothing I feel it completely"
He pulled her back against him tightly and she could hear his heart hammering in his chest. This was a sound she wanted to listen to forever.
His soft voice cut through her thoughts, "I know you have strong feelings and I am sorry for not telling you how much I love you before this."
She leaned back and stared up at him in awe.
He nodded slowly, smiling gently, "I love you and I need to just deal with it. The thought of you not being in my life.....god no...I can't. Just can't."
His lips touched hers and soon they were lost in their first kiss.

She's Worth Everything

The rain fell in sheets as she stared out the window.
Thunder rolled through the air in a constant wave.
That sound was soothing for it drowned out the way her heart was tearing itself apart.
Pain laced through her as her mind focused on him.
That single person who was the sunshine of her life the past 3 years was slowly slipping away.
The move, the quiet days, and now her. This interloper who was leaning on her rock, on her person.
She invaded her space to take him away. He now did not see her as much as he did this other person.
Damn, it hurt.
She thought she meant more than this.
She knew that her own position was only that as friend to him.
But did he ever, even once, look at her with desire? Feel the fluttering of love in his heart?
One tear slid down her cheek and she thought, no he probably didn't ever feel anything but a mild affection for her.
She whispered to the stormy sky, "I just want someone to look at me and just think, she's worth everything/"

Complicated

He dragged his hand through his hair and sighed softly.
He knew he had been an asshole for weeks but all of his shit was weighing heavily on him.
When she told him she was tired of being shit on he knew he was part of this even though she never said it was his attitude lately,

The sun was setting and he knew she wanted him to come see her but damn it all. It was so hard to sit there watching those gorgeous green eyes sparkle at him with joy, listen to her sweet chatter and want her so badly it made his jaw ache from clenching it so tight.

Her eyes were the mirror to all of what she was feeling. He knew her so well now and he could hear in her voice the sweetness, the weariness, the pain. When he looked at her he knew she was hiding all the pain he inflicted on her but it shimmered in those green depths.
But she never berated him. Never called him to task, Always was there holding out her hands to help him through whatever shit he was putting himself through at the moment.

There was one drunken evening at dinner when he just laid his head on the back of the booth where they sat and stared into those mesmerizing eyes. She met my gaze and I was dumbfounded for I knew what I saw there and it scared me to the core but then it also brought me joy. That little thing loved me and I loved her but it was the most complicated, tangled mess he had ever ran across.

She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I'd ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string and all I wanted of life was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots.
I wanted to unravel all her secrets and soothe all her worries.
I wanted to whisper in her ear at night how much I adored her. How much I loved her.

But I left instead.
Now I cannot see her green eyes.  I do not hear her voice. I only see her typed words on a screen and I miss her.
Terribly.
Nothing can be done of it so it is what it is. I move on with half my heart left behind in the silky hands of my soul.

Missing You But Does it Matter

I want to say I miss you. But it won't change anything so I'll just keep on pretending I don't.

I know I have said it but its time for me to stop.
Tme for me to stop lifting you up, telling you how amazing you are, how much I miss you and how I have your back.

I get tired of the silences after.
Never hearing back that you miss me too.
That you have my back.
That you wish you could see me or hug me or even think of me once in a while.

I feel like a foolish little girl in love with the movie star who tolerates her adoration cause its cute.

I am so scared to say what I feel for I may run you away.
You may see me as a problem after that.
I wrecked your castle where you dwell with your demons.
Did you know I was a demon slayer? I have the skills.
But you don't want me there.
You don't want me in your dreams, your mind........
               
                                 your heart.

I do cry at times but then I gather myself together for I am strong and I know that it is what it is.
Where I am at is where I am at.
I am not tall. Nor hot. Nor thin. Nor anything that you may like.
I feel tolerated
I feel abandoned.

Then I pick myself up off the pity floor and gather myself up.

I am beautiful. Kind. Intelligent. And hot. I know it.
I know you know it too.
I know you love me inside your heart.
I know I fight dragons with you in your dreams.
We build houses out of logs that face the Tetons where we drink whiskey and coffee on the porch.

Its just nice to hear from time to time that I matter.
That my green eyes make you weak.
That you want to wrap your hands in my hair.

I am missing you and it is getting harder to hold on.
It is getting harder to withstand the pain.

That Delicate Balance

Her eyes close to remember him standing over her. Tall, strong with hands rough from work. That slightly rough feeling sliding over her skin always drove her crazy.
Those twinkling blue eyes that watched her every move. He kept his distance till he could no longer bear it.
Holding the door open for her to walk past him and then the feel of his hand sliding over her ass.
She would grin back over her shoulder at him, letting her eyes tell him that he would get what he desired and more later.
The hot gleam in his eyes always got her squirming with anticipation.

It's's that delicate balance she craves. A sweet heart that beats inside a man who'll force her against walls and doors and likes the feel of her hair wrapping his hand.
Then the feel of his hand landing smartly against her bare ass and then the soft kiss to the heated skin afterwards.
The care in which he holds her tight to him when he has missed her will always show her he has a sweet heart in his chest with a dominant mans mind.
She adores him, every side and she will tend to her man as he desires for he will then place her on the pedestal to love as his queen.

its a delicate balance that is craved.

Not Like This

This place that I am in does not bode well for my girlish mind.
I find myself slipping into darkness so easily with one misunderstood sentence.
The days where I wonder where I stand in your life.
Then you say or do something that fans the little spark of hope in my heart that I do have a at least a sliver of your affection.

I will admit that I am tired of working around the moods and being ignored.
I stand in my walled off friend space you have placed me in and I wonder if I will ever leave this place.
Desolate at times it brings me to my knees in frustration.
For I want to be in your arms. I want to make you smile. I want to whisper I love you while I make love to you.
I want you to know you are loved, cared for, and wanted beyond all measure.
Is it so hard to even tell me you like my hair, my eyes or tell me how happy I make you?

I find myself in confusion and I've come to understand and believe that we've all felt it at some point or another that place where you just get tired. Tired of trying Tired of fighting just to stay in the same place. But you keep fighting because of that little voice that refuses to be silent that says; it doesn't end like this.

It can't end like this.

For the love of all that is holy, it can't end like this with me standing in my walled off prison while you ride away.

She Needed Him

The sun was going down and the sky had turned a beautiful shade of pink and yellow. The snow around the parking lot was shimmering in the dusk. It was a mild winter day which had brought the one person she wanted to see for months to her at last.
Living 5 hours away was tough to bear but then he never really saw her that much outside work when he was local.
This thought stabbed her in the heart and she felt the butterflies die in her stomach. She could not reconcile at times why they were even at this junction in their friendship.
She loved him, dearly, but he could not deal with her lifestyle. Well, she assumed this by hints he dropped and off hand comments of being outside your marriage, even with permission, is not acceptable.
Understood. She got that. So she kept herself on her side of the lines he had drawn. Kept things light and remained in the friend zone. Though there were times she mushed out on him which she silently suspected he really enjoyed.
She mushed enough for both of them. It was quite funny at times.
Early in their blossoming friendship she wondered if she was just another gal pal, one of the girls who fawned over him and he just was being nice. Then as time went along she saw what she wanted to say was love or at least a fondness in his eyes for her. When he set off for his new adventure 5 hours away the heartbreak in his eyes was something she would never forget.
They stared at each other that day, just drinking in the sight of one another and imprinting their face on their memories. If only things had been different when they met. If only she was not bound to another. If only he would step outside his comfort zone and let this be an adventure.
The tears threatned her at this moment and she had to calm herself. She needed to be happy when she saw him. Not a teary mess.

A soft sigh escaped her and she leaned her head back against the seat while she waited for him to arrive. Truck was running to keep her warm but her hands were cold.
She was nervous. Never understood why the nerves kicked in when she was about to see him. It was puzzling and sometimes quite irritating.
Her gaze flicked to the truck pulling in and her heart leaped upward in tempo as she saw him pull in next to her truck.
Great Goddess, this man made her weak in the knees and made her heart flutter with love.
She was lost, completely and utterly lost.

He walked around to the driver side and she pushed the door open, grinning down at him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile and she reveled in the smile she was getting back as well as the twinkle of happiness in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Hi and look at you, taller than me." he quipped with a crooked grin that always got her going.

"Yep, look at me taller than you. I kinda like this." she laughed as she smiled down at him.

He laughed then held his hands out, "Come here." he said with just the right amount of authority in his voice it sent shivers down her spine and right into her core. Good hell she would kneel to this man and that always shocked her when she thought of it.
She slightly hesitated only because there was something different here. A gleam in his eyes that she could only call determination and resolution.
The shivers turned into something deeper and tugged her heart wide open.
She slid her hands into his and he tugged, she slipped down from the truck and into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

Normally their hugs were quick, he used one arm like a side hug but this hug was possessive and complete. She could hear his heart hammering in his chest and she realized hers was hammering just as hard.
He squeezed her gently, his cheek resting on top of her head and she the became aware of his body was trembling slightly. What was going on and her heart flipped from elation to dread. Oh please don't let this be something bad.....Goddess....

"I have missed you so much." he whispered into her hair not letting her go from the tight hug.
"This is so hard for me to say but I can't do this anymore...no more...." his voice trailed off.

Her heart slammed into the pit of her stomach and she tried to pull away but he would not let her go. So she turned her head upward to stare into his blue eyes which were not filled with sadness or regret. They stared down into her green eyes with a mixture of fear and love. Her heart clawed its way from the abyss as a realization hit her. This was not goodbye, this was hello.

Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. "Then let's not do this anymore..." she whispered then stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.
Their first kiss, in the middle of winter in a parking lot but it was perfect.
He hestiated a moment, just a slight moment, then he was crushing her to him and deepening the kiss till her head spun.

"I love you....I know I shouldn't but I can't deny this anymore. I am tired of being lonely and missing you. So fuck it....whatever we need to do lets do it." he said with a fierce look in his eyes and her grin reappeared on her face.

"I love you too. Let's do this." she said as she pulled him down for another kiss. The soft groan that escaped him as her body molded to his was a thrill beyond anything.
She knew this would be hard. It would take work. It was not accepted. But they would be strong and for how ever long it lasted, they would cherish every moment.
She knew that this would be her epic adventure of her life.

She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.

Just For Once

Just for once I want someone to call me because they just want to talk because they miss me.
Just for once I want someone to step outside their walls and take a chance on me.
Just for once I wish someone thought I was worth the effort.
Just for once I wish someone would tell me how much they care for me.
Just for once I wish someone saw my sadness and cared.
Just for once I wish someone would wipe away my tears.
Just for once I wish someone saw how my world is crumbling.
Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

So Much Easier

It's a setup.
A trap for the unwary heart and lonely soul.
A bright smile, gentle voice and a soul that speaks to my own as if it were made from the same batch of stardust as my own.

We met. We talked. You smiled. I fell. You didn't.
You kept your distance but then did not. You came close then danced away.
Your eyes would reveal your secrets for a brief moment and I would catch my breath and think...yes this is right, this is good, he cares. Then it would fade away into the politeness and societal norm.
My heart wanted you but circumstances would not allow us to come together.
Or am I fooling myself?
Would you cross those invisible, social lines for another?
Maybe that's it.....maybe its my old, lumpy body with the fading memory of youth clinging to its surface that has turned you away.
Perhaps you enjoy my bantering, my kindness and my beautiful green eyes but the rest...nah, just not my type.
There was nothing worth crossing the line for.
That has to be it.....or maybe not. Who knows......no one ever will for your thoughts are closed off to me. You closed yourself off to me.

Yeah that got a few prickles of tears in my eyes.

Now I go through the motions of my day trying to just be me. Normal.
But in truth....
It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine

Feed me Bacon

Fuck this and everything with it.
Her frustration was at an epic level. Her heart pounded hard within her chest with the fear of what she had to do.
She would see him today and the truth would come out.
Fuck the consequences.So tired of living with this in her soul.
Time to tell him how she felt and if he felt he had to dump their friendship due to this revelation then so be it. His loss.

Dressed up to her best she slipped out of the truck to see him standing there watching her.
It was almost as if he knew something was up. Was it the way she walked toward him with a determined stride or was it the intensity in her eyes?
She did not care. Let him fret over it.
She noticed his narrowing of eyes and what the hell look but it was ignored as she slipped her arms around his waist to hug him tight.
She inhaled deeply to memorize his scent. This may not happen again so she was going to take advantage of it.
His arms tightened around her and with that a realization hit her. He had both arms around her this time. Normally she only got a one armed hug but tonight he hugged her tight to his tall frame.
It thrilled her to the core. That would not sway the course, no. It must be said. No matter what.

The evening came to an end and with a few drinks in them they laughed their way outside.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she knew it was time to get the show on the road.

They stopped and she looked up into his gorgeous eyes. All the determination almost fled in the light of those eyes searching hers.
No! She would not lose this opportunity. Who knew when she would see him again.

Her hands slid around his waist and she said.

"I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. What has been on my mind for quite some time."

His arms held her against him and that was making her mind muddled as he did not normally keep her close. Hell, he usually walked 3 feet away from her just so she knew he was not interested. He would not sit too close. Nor touch her. Nor compliment her.
All of those thoughts fired her up and she stared into his eyes with intensity.

"Please, tell me. I want to know." he said softly a small smile tugging at his lips.

Oh, that smirk. Did he think this was fucking funny?
"What's so funny?!" She growled up at him.

His grin broke out fully and he chuckled.
"You are so damn cute when you are mad......well you might not be mad but you are frustrated. Talk to me. I promise...I will be nice." he kept grinning at her.

Damn him. Damn him. She said over and over in her head then she decided it was now or never.

"I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I am not asking you to reciprocate I just need you to know."
Those words spilled out of her so fast she felt light headed.
His arms tightened on her and the smile was gone from his face.
Awww fuck, Here we go. Down to where she hoped it would not go. She could feel her heart starting to break.

One of his hands slid over her cheek and she paused in her internal drama show.

"If you don't feel I should reciprocate then what do you want me to do?" he said softly, his eyes showing a deep emotion she wanted to tag as adoration but she could not believe it so she snapped.

"Feed me bacon and chocolate and tell me I'm fucking pretty!"

He stared at her a moment then burst out laughing, hugging her tighter to his chest. She felt his lips press to the top of her head.

"Look at me little one." he lifted her chin up and she stared into eyes filled with happiness and love.

"I'm in love with you too. I can get some bacon and chocolate. Telling you are pretty...nah....cause you are fucking gorgeous."

Then before she could even respond his lips claimed hers in their first kiss.

Eye Contact

"Have you been writing lately?"
She looked up at her friend across the table and then sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"No, it just seems to be impossible to get what is bottled up in me out."
She stared down into her drink and thought, wow she did have a lot bottled up but how to get it out. Every time she tried all the words seemed small and pointless in the face of what she had to deal with. Unrequited love and her situation made it all so hard to even wrap a mind around.

"But I thought with your mind on him all the time you would have tons to write about." Her friend said.

"If it were only so easy. When I think of him its as if my mind just shuts down and the fantasy in my head is better than anything I could ever write."
She paused as one memory came to her. One day as they were sitting at dinner, a few drinks in, and they were left alone as everyone had left the table.
He had looked over at her and their eyes met. Blue and green merged and there was no mistaking the desire in hers and the need in his.
Butterflies whirled around in her stomach and she knew, that is what she should write about. How staring into his eyes changed her soul.

"Sometimes we write about things that both fascinate and terrify us. Like, for example sustained eye contact that goes on just seconds too long that'll send someone over your edges and into your bones, where you'll then stand revealed and with nowhere to hide, from that turning point in space, in connection, and time, when two separate worlds will actually collide, and you'll find yourself always remembering their eyes."
She paused to take a drink then looked at her friend with sad eyes.

"His eyes are what I should write about. Those amazing, beautiful blue eyes that stole my soul."

In his Rawest Form

Her gaze slid over to where he was standing and he heart pounded hard in her chest.
He was so tall, his eyes were so blue and that body of his made her mind jump to the naughtiest of places.
Glances between them were always heated.
Guarded, but the desire was still there but also was that dammed uncertainty.
This boy made her body thrum with desire and the thought of him leaving set her on edge. Anxiety filled her mind and her gut churned with fear that this was it.
He would leave and forget about her eventually.
She knew she was not tall and gorgeous like his ex was but damn she was short and cute as fuck. And one hell of a woman. She knew this but fuck, it was such a complicated situation.

A soft sigh left her and she kept glancing to where he still stood talking to others.
Inside her heart, intertwined with her soul. she knew he cared but he had to act as if didn't.
She got that. She understood that.
But fuck if it didn't just piss her off and hurt all at the same time.
The desire for him was not just physical, she wanted his mind set free of the chains he held it in and his body to tremble with need for her. To hear the words of love falling from his lips as he possessed her.
She wanted him in his rawest form, his rough possession claiming all of her. Soul on soul sex, branding her with his mouth, his hands, all skin and fire. This is how the world ends. This is how love stays alive.

She needed them to stay alive in some form.
Some how some day they needed to stay alive.
But how......how do they do this so far apart.

He was walking towards her now and all thoughts fled from her mind.
This man, this gorgeous man, she loved him with all her heart but it would have to remain her secret for she worried he did not love her.

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said.

That damn quote! It haunts me. Shows up to remind me what I should do.

How in the world can I say the words to you and come out the other side unscathed?
A deep fear is that my words will trigger you to completely run away from me in all ways.
You don't like feelings.
They are washing over you as they are crashing upon me.
And we laugh our way around them. Glance them away with indifference and jokes.
But at the end of the day when we are tucked in our respective beds, drifting off to sleep, we know what we desire.
To love....each other. Freely.

I am not a fool. I know you love me as I love you.
How do we get past the obstacles? I know of ways but you will not be open to them, which is understandable.
But damn it pisses me off. Why can't we just take a fucking chance?
It might not work out but oh my Goddess, what if it did?
Even for a short time we would have nirvana. Bliss. Heaven.
Realization that we are awesome together.

A soft snort of laughter at herself, hey chick are you taking a chance with those words you so desperately want to say?
No, so then back off.
Hypocrite.
I get it. I really do. Its the bane of my existence.
My ability to step into your shoes and realize the folly of it all.

You are leaving. Very soon.
I feel panic that we will part ways with nothing but a half side hug and a wave goodbye.
I can't do that. I just fucking can't!
I need your arms around me. Your face buried in my hair while my arms are tight around you. I press my cheek to your chest to hear your heart beating wildly.
Like mine is.
Yeah yeah, you don't do mushy but good hell, mushy leads to some really fun stuff damn it.

Please let's not do the slightly friendly goodbye.
Let's say goodbye with the fireworks we have in our souls for one another.
Let's burn it down with passion.
Let's be the bad asses we are.
And together, even one night, we can light the world up!

I Love You, Goodbye

His heart felt as if it were going to die right within his chest and poison him forever.
Leaving her was turning out to be the hardest thing he has ever done.
He wished he could be the one to make her dreams come true but he just was not the right man for the job. This realization struck him hard because this little slip of a woman was his dream.
The situation was just too far fetched and out of his wheel house to even deal with.
He knew with the way things were he could never completely let go and love her as she deserved. The situation would not allow him to relax and let his guard down.
And that would make him hold back, which was not what she deserved.
A soft sigh and he looked out over all the moving boxes in various states of packing.
This was what he wanted right?
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he began packing once again.
A song came on the radio and through his musings the words came to him.
He stopped and began to listen.
'Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do when you love someone as much as I love you.'
He stood and stared down at his phone, needing to see who this was by.
The hairs stood on his arms and he knew this said what he needed to say.
His courage was lacking to tell her how he felt face to face. His biggest fear is that she could change his mind. She would change his mind....and he knew he could not stay.
He pulled up the lyrics on the computer and wrote them down. This is how he could say what he needed to say.
He shook his head with sadness in his heart, downed his beer and went back to packing.

Before he was to leave they sat down to dinner.
Drinking, eating, talking and laughing was what they loved to do.
There she was, smiling up at him with adoration and when she did that it always made him feel warm inside. He loved her smile and sparkling green eyes. Such a gorgeous little thing.
Not only was she beautiful she was the kindest soul he had ever met.
She was real and honest and present. It blew him away.
But even with all of that, he could not stay.
He would hit the road, leaving this place right after they were done.

He had written the lyrics to the song on a pretty card he found.
He told her he loved her. He told her how highly he thought of her. He told her that he was sorry for leaving her but it was for the best.
Then he let the song say the rest.

He  looked in his rear view mirror and saw her sitting in her car reading the card as he drove away.
His heart broke in two as he broke hers at that moment.
Tears streamed down his face as he left for his new life.

She Was Never Afraid

He stood next to his truck waiting for her to arrive. The thought of leaving this little slip of a girl was killing him inside but he had to go. It was time for his demons were getting the best of him and he knew if he ever showed her that side she would turn away. He needed her to see him as he was now, strong and in control. He sighed, he knew no one would love him if he ever revealed what lurked inside him. Always different. Someone people feared. The beast within him one short fuse away from being revealed. No one understood him but then he felt that she did. She understood those little corners of him that he tried to hide. She drew out the good in him which softened those edges and he wondered if he gave this a chance.....his thoughts trailed up as he watched her car pull up.
His heart sped up and his stomach flipped over at the sight of her.
Gorgeous green eyes and the way she walked to him as if she owned the very air around her.
God she was amazing. The kindest and sweetest girl he had ever known.

"Hi there." she said with a saucy tilt to her head as she looked up at him.
Goddess, she loved looking into his eyes for the blues made her heart soar with joy and her body tremble with desire.
He was such a big man, strong but gentle at the same time. It was an intoxicating combination. He thought himself a beast. Filled with darkness and scary things so he kept his distance She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons that danced in his eyes. She knew there was a beast within the man and she never would be afraid.
She did not want him to leave. Her heart squeezed with pain. She wanted him to stay here with her. Let her take care of him and chase away those demons. She could do it. She knew she could.
A sense of boldness washed over her and she decided it was now or never.
She stepped close and slipped her arms around his middle, pressing her small form against his body.
He stiffened, but she clung onto him, saying in a trembling voice.
"Deal with it."
His body relaxed and his arms came around her to crush her tightly to him.
A soft sigh escaped him above her head and she buried her face into his chest.

The tears would not stay away and she began to cry softly.

He lifted her chin up and seeing those tears undid him.

"Little one please don't....I can't...." he said softly as his fingers gently brushed away the falling tears.

"You can. You damn well can. Don't leave. Don't leave me.." she whispered then sobbed and buried her face in his chest and his arms tucked her protectively against him.

His mind was spinning and he knew he could stay. He could be with this little firebrand and love her with everything he had. He knew he could. He would be better for it. But he had to ask, he had to put it out there as harshly as he could for he needed a little warrior next to him.

"I am not easy little one. I am dark, dangerous and unpredictable. I have so much darkness in me that I scare myself. I feel I just need to be alone." He said as he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
God, ,they were even greener when shimmering with those sad tears.
He watched those eyes shift from sad to anger. He leaned back seeing the little warrior he knew was in there.

"Fuck your darkness and I raise you my own. You think you are the only one with issues? With anger and sadness within? Well, guess what....you aren't. So I will need to warn you that I talk too much. I will tell you how it is and you will listen. I will be bossy and sometimes a handful but I will promise to always love you. We will never go to bed angry. And any demons that come out to fuck with me will need to deal with my bad ass little self wielding a sword of whoop ass. So stop this shit, kiss me and stay with me." She growled at him, stepping back with hands on her hips glaring at him.

He could not help the smile that broke out over his face and the chuckle that followed.

"You think I am fucking kidding?" she tilted her head and kept her stony gaze on him.

He shook his head and then stepped forward gathering her in his arms. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled. Her scent made him crazy and he knew he needed to give this a shot. He had to learn to take a chance now and again She was worth it.

"I will stay.....I will stay here with you cause I love you." he whispered softly.

She went completely still in his arms at his words then leaned back to look up at him. Wonder and happiness shone on her face and in her eyes.

"Yeah?" she said softly, almost afraid his mistaken what he said.

He smiled and nodded.

She laughed in joy and threw her arms around him, pressing her lips to his and he sank into the kiss with joy.
Her light was enough to snuff out any doubts and he realized as he tasted her that this was where he belonged. Right here with his little warrior.

Unwanted

The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

I feel that. In my soul. In my heart. Every day I feel this.
It's my own fault.
I expect too much from those I care about.
I expect them to friend me or love me the way I do to them and thus, I am disappointed.
Disappointment is my issue.

But I am human. And this human has feelings.
Those feelings are now of frustration and I do have a right to just flip out.
This is what I am doing now.
Throwing a good ol, rolling on the floor, temper tantrum.
I'll get over it shortly.

I cannot help how I feel about you. But I do temper it and not thrust it in your face.
I know it is my burden and not yours to carry cause you cannot cross any boundary you have not specifically placed. God forbid you took a step outside your comfort zone.
Tried something new.
But hey, maybe I am just not 'it' for you.
And that does hurt. All of this does because I fucking care.
It really is that simple.

The gist of it all?
I wish we were closer. Not between the sheets closer (though that is the ultimate for me with you) but sit at dinner talking about deep subjects closer. Sitting in a good movie closer.
Friends do this stuff and survive.
I hate how I am ignored at times. Those little pushes of distance hurt more than they should because I wish to be special in your eyes. The one who you can lean on without a worry.
I am your MAIN supporter. Your defender but yet......I barely exist in your mind, in your world.
When all I want is a simple acknowledgement of our years of friendship.
A kind word here and there. Perhaps even something like...hey you look really nice today.
Damn you are awesome. A fucking compliment will not turn you to stone.
And ignoring my questions...comments...shutting down conversations cause they don't fit in where you want to be...fuck that.
It hurts. Do you understand. It hurts to be unwanted. Ignored. Pushed aside.
I have ideas why but it still hurts.

I will get over it all. The tantrum will go away.
But I will still hurt silently. Cause I could never just sit down and tell you how I feel.
You would either not understand or push me further away.
I can't have that.
So I will sit silently and ponder the feelings of being unwanted.
For I know it is not the truth but my heart feels the pain anyway.

So There's This Boy......

So there's this boy......
he is sweet, gorgeous and kind.
He is also quiet, introverted, over thinker, and angry,
I have fallen head over heels for this boy and I have so much to say but I am afraid.
Words have a way of either pushing people away or bringing them in closer.
My words would be strong, deep and quite intense for this out of the ordinary situation.

I thought why not just write what I have to say down here.
No rejection. No fear. No worry. Just my words out in the universe for no one to see.

To the boy that holds my heart with his blue eyes this is a letter to you:

Today I almost asked you to go out again.
I didn't ask because I fear that you will do one of the things you usually do as of late; ignore the question  to side step it to something else or say sure and it ends up being something like lunch that only acquaintances do.
I see you more than an acquaintance and I thought you saw me as more once.
Something changed.
I wish you would tell me what happened. How did I go from being your confidant, the one you shared day dreams with to this place of away. This place of far away.

Now I know on a logical level what situation I present is very odd. It is not something most people engage in nor aspire to but its not impossible. We haven't ever even broached the subject and it seems you never want to.
I feel that you may have crossed a line in your head and that was enough overthinking to get you to back away.
Not only are you distant physically you also have left me mentally.
Our talks are mundane and we never reach for the stars anymore.
You never want to be alone with me. Even something as simple as a movie between friends is something you will not even consider.
Truth be told, it hurts. It hurts so much that I keep asking myself; what is so wrong with me that keeps you turned away from me.
But you care and I do know this. The small things you do remind me that even though you have put up some pretty tall walls, your heart still tugs when I am around.

I want to walk with you in the sunshine while we talk about whatever our minds bring up.
No boundaries. No limits.
I want you to teach me all those cool things you know.
I want your hands on me with passion.
I want your lips on mine.
We have a karmic connection. I know you know this.
The first moment our eyes met it was like being struck with a knowing.
A knowing that we have known each other for millennia.

I wish I could sit you down to say all these things to you without fearing that you would turn away because it was just too much. Too weird. Too stressful. Too much emotion.
I wish a lot....on every star I see flying by that somehow, someway we can at least be closer in some way.
I know you will be leaving someday. This breaks my heart.
With tears in my eyes and cracks in my heart I will wish you well. I will bestow all the blessings I know upon on you in your new adventure.
I would do this because I only want your happiness.
I would do this because I love you.