Individuals

There comes a time when you must open your eyes to the truth and realize those who left your life had their reasons.
The interesting thing is that the reasons are usually never what you think they are.
And those reasons usually have nothing to do with you personally.

Then comes the moment when you run across that soul once again. They cross your path.
A spark of hope comes to life. Then you think only of the good things. Only of the pretty picture without flaws.
How it could be this time. But you are still ignored. Still pressed away into their lost memories.

When you find truth it is up to you to decide what to do with it.

For a moment there was pain. Regret. Sadness. Feelings of not being good enough. A why not me sort of flow within the soul.
That moment faded away quite suddenly and there was just the past that remained.
That inevitable place that we need to teach ourselves not to dwell in.

Then the dawning comes....

Individuals in my past have proven to be neither friends nor enemies of mine, but we are strangers who share memories,

Good or bad, they are memories.

No new ones will take their place for strangers seem to pass through like a breeze.

Wait

(Quote Pulled from Pinterest - no Author found)

No response.
Did she really expect anything else to happen?
Did she really think that her well written words would spark something within him to have him change his ways? Have him run to her side with apologies and vows to always be there for her?
Of course not.
She was a fool.
At least this time she only had hope for the magical outcome for a short time.
During that short time, while browsing through quotes one popped up and made her nod her head at the computer screen.
She could hear the words whispered to her from across a great distance.
She read it out loud as she sat in her room alone about to cry:

"Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances."

She nodded at her computer again and she swore she felt it smile.

Realize

Years had passed and there were times she never even thought of those who had left.
Then there were times when she would run across a picture and pause.
She would wait for the twisting pain in her heart that always would come but after time, the pain faded into nothing but a faint twinge of memory.

All those tears she cried. Were they not real? Were they something in the moment only? Not to last the test of time?

She gave so much love, kindness and respect and did not see hardly any returned.
It took a long time for her to understand why when those dark eyes would shine with so much desire and love but the actions would not match. The silence reigned so much that she felt as she was dealing with a mute.

What you eventually realize is some people won't ever see your heart; even when you show it to them.
It is then  you'll understand, they're still searching for their own.

Razors and Maps

"You have been so calm. I cannot believe that you are not falling apart after what has happened." her friend said from across the room.

She glanced up from the drink she was mixing at the counter in the kitchen and shrugged.
"I am done falling apart. I did that a few too many times and where did it get me?" she said then sipped at her drink.
Vodka, the drink that takes the pain away.

"Yeah but this time it is done. Truly done. You sent that email and got no response. You basically said goodbye to another person whom you love." Her friend sat on the couch shaking her head because she just did not understand.
The problem was that she, herself, understood all too well what happened in both cases and in reality, it had nothing to do with her. Those boys, cause they were not men for running away like thieves in the night with her heart, left because because they could not handle it. Could not handle looking her in the eye with the truth.
Another sip of the vodka and she sighed loudly,.

"When you love someone.... truly love them, friend or lover, you lay your heart open to them." she said as she walked towards where her friend sat. She could feel the lump in her throat growing as she thought about the pain she had endured, the loss, the feelings of not being good enough. She shook it off then continued.
"You give them a part of yourself that you give to no one else, and you let them inside a part of you that only they can hurt - you literally hand them the razor with a map of where to cut deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul."

She took another drink and sat down beside her friend on the couch.

"You can either crumble under that pain, realizing that the ones you loved the most just tore you apart or you can allow the healing to scar you up. Then once those scars are in place you can look down at the mass of pain that lies there and face it down. You can learn from it and realize that whatever they did was not to you. It was not about you. Actually, it had nothing to do with you. It was all about them, their fear and their need to run away from something they could not control."

She downed her drink and stared her friend in the eye and said.

"But I can control how I react to such things. How I perceive what happened and as I took a step backwards I saw that I was really the one who escaped with only a few scars for my trouble. They will never have healing because they never faced what they had before them. A lifetime of what ifs. That, my friend, is something I would not trade my scarred up heart for."

Author Note and Chatter

    I was reading over some of my old work within this blog and can see that I have struggled through some intense, emotional times. I do not regret those times; I cherish them for they made the emotions I had swirling within burst forth in release. I did not need to keep the pain nor the day dreams inside any more.
I am grateful for that.
I have been very quiet these past months for my heart has hardened.
I wish to soften it up. To look at someone with those lust filled eyes or be staring out the window on a snowy day day dreaming of something grand.
It will take a moment.

    I also wanted to take this time to explain the nature of my blog.
My intent is to use this place as a release for emotions and things I need to say out loud. Put those vibrations into the universe to have them multiply or fly away to nothing.
I take quotes from authors, speakers, etc and place them in picture form on the blog. I will then incorporate that quote within my writing.
I will always try to log the author and name of the quote if possible.
But know, nothing posted within the picture on the blog is my own, only the writing that surrounds the quote.

   I will be digging deep, opening old wounds and trying to see the world with my rose colored glasses on once again. I will believe in love, passion and fate once again. Most of all I will cling to hope and drag my backpack of dreams out of the forest where I left it so long ago. Maybe I will go on an adventure with a wolf. Take a ride in a plane to some distant place. Blast off to Mars with a hot alien God. Who knows. But it will be interesting.

Blessed be to all who pass through her. May the light of the Highest shine down on you and bless you and yours.

Goodnight

The moon rode high and bright and it hurt her eyes to look at it.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
The night was cold and crisp as autumn should be.
Another year had passed and nothing.
Her heart broken open. Stitched back together only to be broken open again.
Tonight she needed to let go. Really just let the pain fly away on the breeze and allow the memories to drift to where they need to lie.

She looked back up at the bright moon and allowed the light to sting her eyes. Then she whispered the words out loud, to make it all real.

"Then I said goodnight and tucked you away inside a place called Nostalgia, where you'll always remain unspoiled, somewhere between my lungs that used to breathe ocean air, and my belly that fluttered with hope."

One tear slid down her cheek, then another and then more.
Her face wet with the tears of what could have been she stood and walked back into the house to close the door on her pain.

Help Me Unlearn

Of course there was no answer.
Though there was a part of her that hoped that he would respond to her lighthearted message.
A glance to her phone laying silent on the passenger seat of her car made her heart clench painfully.

"Foolish girl." she said aloud in the dark car while she sat in the parking lot.

Anger rose in her and without thinking she snatched up the phone, stabbed his number in and listened to the rings.
Oh he would not answer but she would leave him a peace of her mind.
That was for sure.
She did not think that he should ignore her forever. They had such a deep friendship and now that a little feeling came into the picture he ran away.
Jerk.

Her anger melted away as she listened to his voice on the other end.

"I'm sorry. I know I have been silent. I know I have been away but I just can't." he said softly.

Her voice could not come forth, only the tears streamed down her cheeks. Then his voice came again, and the pain increased.

"I see you sitting there in the car. I know where you go to think. All I know is that you want me to be with you when I can't do what you wish me to."

Her gaze snapped to look out her windshield and she saw him standing in front of his truck with the phone to his ear. Her soul shattered because she knew this man loved her. Adored her. Wanted to be with her but the way she lived her life prevented him from this.
She knew the texture of his skin. What made him laugh. How to calm him from fears and how to make his demons be quiet. He knew how to touch her pain away. To make her feel loved and beautiful. To verbally spar with her to a point they both ended up laughing.
How would she ever unlearn the lessons of him.

"Help me.." she said, voice cracking, "Help me unlearn what I've learned, unravel what shouldn't stay tied and walk away, even when it will never feel comfortable, gentle or right."

Blurry eyes watched him go very still. She heard him hang up as she watched him do it.
Her heart thumped painfully against her ribs as she thought this was it.
It was well and truly over.
But it wasn't.
He walked across the parking lot towards her car and she scrambled to get out, to meet him, to meet whatever fate would come.

He stood there staring down into her eyes and one hand lifted to brush the tears that rolled down her cheeks. His eyes were filled with anguish and love.
A tiny spark of hope flared.
What would happen now?