Feed me Bacon

Fuck this and everything with it.
Her frustration was at an epic level. Her heart pounded hard within her chest with the fear of what she had to do.
She would see him today and the truth would come out.
Fuck the consequences.So tired of living with this in her soul.
Time to tell him how she felt and if he felt he had to dump their friendship due to this revelation then so be it. His loss.

Dressed up to her best she slipped out of the truck to see him standing there watching her.
It was almost as if he knew something was up. Was it the way she walked toward him with a determined stride or was it the intensity in her eyes?
She did not care. Let him fret over it.
She noticed his narrowing of eyes and what the hell look but it was ignored as she slipped her arms around his waist to hug him tight.
She inhaled deeply to memorize his scent. This may not happen again so she was going to take advantage of it.
His arms tightened around her and with that a realization hit her. He had both arms around her this time. Normally she only got a one armed hug but tonight he hugged her tight to his tall frame.
It thrilled her to the core. That would not sway the course, no. It must be said. No matter what.

The evening came to an end and with a few drinks in them they laughed their way outside.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she knew it was time to get the show on the road.

They stopped and she looked up into his gorgeous eyes. All the determination almost fled in the light of those eyes searching hers.
No! She would not lose this opportunity. Who knew when she would see him again.

Her hands slid around his waist and she said.

"I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. What has been on my mind for quite some time."

His arms held her against him and that was making her mind muddled as he did not normally keep her close. Hell, he usually walked 3 feet away from her just so she knew he was not interested. He would not sit too close. Nor touch her. Nor compliment her.
All of those thoughts fired her up and she stared into his eyes with intensity.

"Please, tell me. I want to know." he said softly a small smile tugging at his lips.

Oh, that smirk. Did he think this was fucking funny?
"What's so funny?!" She growled up at him.

His grin broke out fully and he chuckled.
"You are so damn cute when you are mad......well you might not be mad but you are frustrated. Talk to me. I promise...I will be nice." he kept grinning at her.

Damn him. Damn him. She said over and over in her head then she decided it was now or never.

"I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I am not asking you to reciprocate I just need you to know."
Those words spilled out of her so fast she felt light headed.
His arms tightened on her and the smile was gone from his face.
Awww fuck, Here we go. Down to where she hoped it would not go. She could feel her heart starting to break.

One of his hands slid over her cheek and she paused in her internal drama show.

"If you don't feel I should reciprocate then what do you want me to do?" he said softly, his eyes showing a deep emotion she wanted to tag as adoration but she could not believe it so she snapped.

"Feed me bacon and chocolate and tell me I'm fucking pretty!"

He stared at her a moment then burst out laughing, hugging her tighter to his chest. She felt his lips press to the top of her head.

"Look at me little one." he lifted her chin up and she stared into eyes filled with happiness and love.

"I'm in love with you too. I can get some bacon and chocolate. Telling you are pretty...nah....cause you are fucking gorgeous."

Then before she could even respond his lips claimed hers in their first kiss.

Eye Contact

"Have you been writing lately?"
She looked up at her friend across the table and then sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"No, it just seems to be impossible to get what is bottled up in me out."
She stared down into her drink and thought, wow she did have a lot bottled up but how to get it out. Every time she tried all the words seemed small and pointless in the face of what she had to deal with. Unrequited love and her situation made it all so hard to even wrap a mind around.

"But I thought with your mind on him all the time you would have tons to write about." Her friend said.

"If it were only so easy. When I think of him its as if my mind just shuts down and the fantasy in my head is better than anything I could ever write."
She paused as one memory came to her. One day as they were sitting at dinner, a few drinks in, and they were left alone as everyone had left the table.
He had looked over at her and their eyes met. Blue and green merged and there was no mistaking the desire in hers and the need in his.
Butterflies whirled around in her stomach and she knew, that is what she should write about. How staring into his eyes changed her soul.

"Sometimes we write about things that both fascinate and terrify us. Like, for example sustained eye contact that goes on just seconds too long that'll send someone over your edges and into your bones, where you'll then stand revealed and with nowhere to hide, from that turning point in space, in connection, and time, when two separate worlds will actually collide, and you'll find yourself always remembering their eyes."
She paused to take a drink then looked at her friend with sad eyes.

"His eyes are what I should write about. Those amazing, beautiful blue eyes that stole my soul."

In his Rawest Form

Her gaze slid over to where he was standing and he heart pounded hard in her chest.
He was so tall, his eyes were so blue and that body of his made her mind jump to the naughtiest of places.
Glances between them were always heated.
Guarded, but the desire was still there but also was that dammed uncertainty.
This boy made her body thrum with desire and the thought of him leaving set her on edge. Anxiety filled her mind and her gut churned with fear that this was it.
He would leave and forget about her eventually.
She knew she was not tall and gorgeous like his ex was but damn she was short and cute as fuck. And one hell of a woman. She knew this but fuck, it was such a complicated situation.

A soft sigh left her and she kept glancing to where he still stood talking to others.
Inside her heart, intertwined with her soul. she knew he cared but he had to act as if didn't.
She got that. She understood that.
But fuck if it didn't just piss her off and hurt all at the same time.
The desire for him was not just physical, she wanted his mind set free of the chains he held it in and his body to tremble with need for her. To hear the words of love falling from his lips as he possessed her.
She wanted him in his rawest form, his rough possession claiming all of her. Soul on soul sex, branding her with his mouth, his hands, all skin and fire. This is how the world ends. This is how love stays alive.

She needed them to stay alive in some form.
Some how some day they needed to stay alive.
But how......how do they do this so far apart.

He was walking towards her now and all thoughts fled from her mind.
This man, this gorgeous man, she loved him with all her heart but it would have to remain her secret for she worried he did not love her.

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said.

That damn quote! It haunts me. Shows up to remind me what I should do.

How in the world can I say the words to you and come out the other side unscathed?
A deep fear is that my words will trigger you to completely run away from me in all ways.
You don't like feelings.
They are washing over you as they are crashing upon me.
And we laugh our way around them. Glance them away with indifference and jokes.
But at the end of the day when we are tucked in our respective beds, drifting off to sleep, we know what we desire.
To love....each other. Freely.

I am not a fool. I know you love me as I love you.
How do we get past the obstacles? I know of ways but you will not be open to them, which is understandable.
But damn it pisses me off. Why can't we just take a fucking chance?
It might not work out but oh my Goddess, what if it did?
Even for a short time we would have nirvana. Bliss. Heaven.
Realization that we are awesome together.

A soft snort of laughter at herself, hey chick are you taking a chance with those words you so desperately want to say?
No, so then back off.
Hypocrite.
I get it. I really do. Its the bane of my existence.
My ability to step into your shoes and realize the folly of it all.

You are leaving. Very soon.
I feel panic that we will part ways with nothing but a half side hug and a wave goodbye.
I can't do that. I just fucking can't!
I need your arms around me. Your face buried in my hair while my arms are tight around you. I press my cheek to your chest to hear your heart beating wildly.
Like mine is.
Yeah yeah, you don't do mushy but good hell, mushy leads to some really fun stuff damn it.

Please let's not do the slightly friendly goodbye.
Let's say goodbye with the fireworks we have in our souls for one another.
Let's burn it down with passion.
Let's be the bad asses we are.
And together, even one night, we can light the world up!

I Love You, Goodbye

His heart felt as if it were going to die right within his chest and poison him forever.
Leaving her was turning out to be the hardest thing he has ever done.
He wished he could be the one to make her dreams come true but he just was not the right man for the job. This realization struck him hard because this little slip of a woman was his dream.
The situation was just too far fetched and out of his wheel house to even deal with.
He knew with the way things were he could never completely let go and love her as she deserved. The situation would not allow him to relax and let his guard down.
And that would make him hold back, which was not what she deserved.
A soft sigh and he looked out over all the moving boxes in various states of packing.
This was what he wanted right?
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he began packing once again.
A song came on the radio and through his musings the words came to him.
He stopped and began to listen.
'Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do when you love someone as much as I love you.'
He stood and stared down at his phone, needing to see who this was by.
The hairs stood on his arms and he knew this said what he needed to say.
His courage was lacking to tell her how he felt face to face. His biggest fear is that she could change his mind. She would change his mind....and he knew he could not stay.
He pulled up the lyrics on the computer and wrote them down. This is how he could say what he needed to say.
He shook his head with sadness in his heart, downed his beer and went back to packing.

Before he was to leave they sat down to dinner.
Drinking, eating, talking and laughing was what they loved to do.
There she was, smiling up at him with adoration and when she did that it always made him feel warm inside. He loved her smile and sparkling green eyes. Such a gorgeous little thing.
Not only was she beautiful she was the kindest soul he had ever met.
She was real and honest and present. It blew him away.
But even with all of that, he could not stay.
He would hit the road, leaving this place right after they were done.

He had written the lyrics to the song on a pretty card he found.
He told her he loved her. He told her how highly he thought of her. He told her that he was sorry for leaving her but it was for the best.
Then he let the song say the rest.

He  looked in his rear view mirror and saw her sitting in her car reading the card as he drove away.
His heart broke in two as he broke hers at that moment.
Tears streamed down his face as he left for his new life.

She Was Never Afraid

He stood next to his truck waiting for her to arrive. The thought of leaving this little slip of a girl was killing him inside but he had to go. It was time for his demons were getting the best of him and he knew if he ever showed her that side she would turn away. He needed her to see him as he was now, strong and in control. He sighed, he knew no one would love him if he ever revealed what lurked inside him. Always different. Someone people feared. The beast within him one short fuse away from being revealed. No one understood him but then he felt that she did. She understood those little corners of him that he tried to hide. She drew out the good in him which softened those edges and he wondered if he gave this a chance.....his thoughts trailed up as he watched her car pull up.
His heart sped up and his stomach flipped over at the sight of her.
Gorgeous green eyes and the way she walked to him as if she owned the very air around her.
God she was amazing. The kindest and sweetest girl he had ever known.

"Hi there." she said with a saucy tilt to her head as she looked up at him.
Goddess, she loved looking into his eyes for the blues made her heart soar with joy and her body tremble with desire.
He was such a big man, strong but gentle at the same time. It was an intoxicating combination. He thought himself a beast. Filled with darkness and scary things so he kept his distance She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons that danced in his eyes. She knew there was a beast within the man and she never would be afraid.
She did not want him to leave. Her heart squeezed with pain. She wanted him to stay here with her. Let her take care of him and chase away those demons. She could do it. She knew she could.
A sense of boldness washed over her and she decided it was now or never.
She stepped close and slipped her arms around his middle, pressing her small form against his body.
He stiffened, but she clung onto him, saying in a trembling voice.
"Deal with it."
His body relaxed and his arms came around her to crush her tightly to him.
A soft sigh escaped him above her head and she buried her face into his chest.

The tears would not stay away and she began to cry softly.

He lifted her chin up and seeing those tears undid him.

"Little one please don't....I can't...." he said softly as his fingers gently brushed away the falling tears.

"You can. You damn well can. Don't leave. Don't leave me.." she whispered then sobbed and buried her face in his chest and his arms tucked her protectively against him.

His mind was spinning and he knew he could stay. He could be with this little firebrand and love her with everything he had. He knew he could. He would be better for it. But he had to ask, he had to put it out there as harshly as he could for he needed a little warrior next to him.

"I am not easy little one. I am dark, dangerous and unpredictable. I have so much darkness in me that I scare myself. I feel I just need to be alone." He said as he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
God, ,they were even greener when shimmering with those sad tears.
He watched those eyes shift from sad to anger. He leaned back seeing the little warrior he knew was in there.

"Fuck your darkness and I raise you my own. You think you are the only one with issues? With anger and sadness within? Well, guess what....you aren't. So I will need to warn you that I talk too much. I will tell you how it is and you will listen. I will be bossy and sometimes a handful but I will promise to always love you. We will never go to bed angry. And any demons that come out to fuck with me will need to deal with my bad ass little self wielding a sword of whoop ass. So stop this shit, kiss me and stay with me." She growled at him, stepping back with hands on her hips glaring at him.

He could not help the smile that broke out over his face and the chuckle that followed.

"You think I am fucking kidding?" she tilted her head and kept her stony gaze on him.

He shook his head and then stepped forward gathering her in his arms. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled. Her scent made him crazy and he knew he needed to give this a shot. He had to learn to take a chance now and again She was worth it.

"I will stay.....I will stay here with you cause I love you." he whispered softly.

She went completely still in his arms at his words then leaned back to look up at him. Wonder and happiness shone on her face and in her eyes.

"Yeah?" she said softly, almost afraid his mistaken what he said.

He smiled and nodded.

She laughed in joy and threw her arms around him, pressing her lips to his and he sank into the kiss with joy.
Her light was enough to snuff out any doubts and he realized as he tasted her that this was where he belonged. Right here with his little warrior.

Unwanted

The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

I feel that. In my soul. In my heart. Every day I feel this.
It's my own fault.
I expect too much from those I care about.
I expect them to friend me or love me the way I do to them and thus, I am disappointed.
Disappointment is my issue.

But I am human. And this human has feelings.
Those feelings are now of frustration and I do have a right to just flip out.
This is what I am doing now.
Throwing a good ol, rolling on the floor, temper tantrum.
I'll get over it shortly.

I cannot help how I feel about you. But I do temper it and not thrust it in your face.
I know it is my burden and not yours to carry cause you cannot cross any boundary you have not specifically placed. God forbid you took a step outside your comfort zone.
Tried something new.
But hey, maybe I am just not 'it' for you.
And that does hurt. All of this does because I fucking care.
It really is that simple.

The gist of it all?
I wish we were closer. Not between the sheets closer (though that is the ultimate for me with you) but sit at dinner talking about deep subjects closer. Sitting in a good movie closer.
Friends do this stuff and survive.
I hate how I am ignored at times. Those little pushes of distance hurt more than they should because I wish to be special in your eyes. The one who you can lean on without a worry.
I am your MAIN supporter. Your defender but yet......I barely exist in your mind, in your world.
When all I want is a simple acknowledgement of our years of friendship.
A kind word here and there. Perhaps even something like...hey you look really nice today.
Damn you are awesome. A fucking compliment will not turn you to stone.
And ignoring my questions...comments...shutting down conversations cause they don't fit in where you want to be...fuck that.
It hurts. Do you understand. It hurts to be unwanted. Ignored. Pushed aside.
I have ideas why but it still hurts.

I will get over it all. The tantrum will go away.
But I will still hurt silently. Cause I could never just sit down and tell you how I feel.
You would either not understand or push me further away.
I can't have that.
So I will sit silently and ponder the feelings of being unwanted.
For I know it is not the truth but my heart feels the pain anyway.