She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.

Just For Once

Just for once I want someone to call me because they just want to talk because they miss me.
Just for once I want someone to step outside their walls and take a chance on me.
Just for once I wish someone thought I was worth the effort.
Just for once I wish someone would tell me how much they care for me.
Just for once I wish someone saw my sadness and cared.
Just for once I wish someone would wipe away my tears.
Just for once I wish someone saw how my world is crumbling.
Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

So Much Easier

It's a setup.
A trap for the unwary heart and lonely soul.
A bright smile, gentle voice and a soul that speaks to my own as if it were made from the same batch of stardust as my own.

We met. We talked. You smiled. I fell. You didn't.
You kept your distance but then did not. You came close then danced away.
Your eyes would reveal your secrets for a brief moment and I would catch my breath and think...yes this is right, this is good, he cares. Then it would fade away into the politeness and societal norm.
My heart wanted you but circumstances would not allow us to come together.
Or am I fooling myself?
Would you cross those invisible, social lines for another?
Maybe that's it.....maybe its my old, lumpy body with the fading memory of youth clinging to its surface that has turned you away.
Perhaps you enjoy my bantering, my kindness and my beautiful green eyes but the rest...nah, just not my type.
There was nothing worth crossing the line for.
That has to be it.....or maybe not. Who knows......no one ever will for your thoughts are closed off to me. You closed yourself off to me.

Yeah that got a few prickles of tears in my eyes.

Now I go through the motions of my day trying to just be me. Normal.
But in truth....
It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine

Feed me Bacon

Fuck this and everything with it.
Her frustration was at an epic level. Her heart pounded hard within her chest with the fear of what she had to do.
She would see him today and the truth would come out.
Fuck the consequences.So tired of living with this in her soul.
Time to tell him how she felt and if he felt he had to dump their friendship due to this revelation then so be it. His loss.

Dressed up to her best she slipped out of the truck to see him standing there watching her.
It was almost as if he knew something was up. Was it the way she walked toward him with a determined stride or was it the intensity in her eyes?
She did not care. Let him fret over it.
She noticed his narrowing of eyes and what the hell look but it was ignored as she slipped her arms around his waist to hug him tight.
She inhaled deeply to memorize his scent. This may not happen again so she was going to take advantage of it.
His arms tightened around her and with that a realization hit her. He had both arms around her this time. Normally she only got a one armed hug but tonight he hugged her tight to his tall frame.
It thrilled her to the core. That would not sway the course, no. It must be said. No matter what.

The evening came to an end and with a few drinks in them they laughed their way outside.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she knew it was time to get the show on the road.

They stopped and she looked up into his gorgeous eyes. All the determination almost fled in the light of those eyes searching hers.
No! She would not lose this opportunity. Who knew when she would see him again.

Her hands slid around his waist and she said.

"I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. What has been on my mind for quite some time."

His arms held her against him and that was making her mind muddled as he did not normally keep her close. Hell, he usually walked 3 feet away from her just so she knew he was not interested. He would not sit too close. Nor touch her. Nor compliment her.
All of those thoughts fired her up and she stared into his eyes with intensity.

"Please, tell me. I want to know." he said softly a small smile tugging at his lips.

Oh, that smirk. Did he think this was fucking funny?
"What's so funny?!" She growled up at him.

His grin broke out fully and he chuckled.
"You are so damn cute when you are mad......well you might not be mad but you are frustrated. Talk to me. I promise...I will be nice." he kept grinning at her.

Damn him. Damn him. She said over and over in her head then she decided it was now or never.

"I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I am not asking you to reciprocate I just need you to know."
Those words spilled out of her so fast she felt light headed.
His arms tightened on her and the smile was gone from his face.
Awww fuck, Here we go. Down to where she hoped it would not go. She could feel her heart starting to break.

One of his hands slid over her cheek and she paused in her internal drama show.

"If you don't feel I should reciprocate then what do you want me to do?" he said softly, his eyes showing a deep emotion she wanted to tag as adoration but she could not believe it so she snapped.

"Feed me bacon and chocolate and tell me I'm fucking pretty!"

He stared at her a moment then burst out laughing, hugging her tighter to his chest. She felt his lips press to the top of her head.

"Look at me little one." he lifted her chin up and she stared into eyes filled with happiness and love.

"I'm in love with you too. I can get some bacon and chocolate. Telling you are pretty...nah....cause you are fucking gorgeous."

Then before she could even respond his lips claimed hers in their first kiss.

Eye Contact

"Have you been writing lately?"
She looked up at her friend across the table and then sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"No, it just seems to be impossible to get what is bottled up in me out."
She stared down into her drink and thought, wow she did have a lot bottled up but how to get it out. Every time she tried all the words seemed small and pointless in the face of what she had to deal with. Unrequited love and her situation made it all so hard to even wrap a mind around.

"But I thought with your mind on him all the time you would have tons to write about." Her friend said.

"If it were only so easy. When I think of him its as if my mind just shuts down and the fantasy in my head is better than anything I could ever write."
She paused as one memory came to her. One day as they were sitting at dinner, a few drinks in, and they were left alone as everyone had left the table.
He had looked over at her and their eyes met. Blue and green merged and there was no mistaking the desire in hers and the need in his.
Butterflies whirled around in her stomach and she knew, that is what she should write about. How staring into his eyes changed her soul.

"Sometimes we write about things that both fascinate and terrify us. Like, for example sustained eye contact that goes on just seconds too long that'll send someone over your edges and into your bones, where you'll then stand revealed and with nowhere to hide, from that turning point in space, in connection, and time, when two separate worlds will actually collide, and you'll find yourself always remembering their eyes."
She paused to take a drink then looked at her friend with sad eyes.

"His eyes are what I should write about. Those amazing, beautiful blue eyes that stole my soul."

In his Rawest Form

Her gaze slid over to where he was standing and he heart pounded hard in her chest.
He was so tall, his eyes were so blue and that body of his made her mind jump to the naughtiest of places.
Glances between them were always heated.
Guarded, but the desire was still there but also was that dammed uncertainty.
This boy made her body thrum with desire and the thought of him leaving set her on edge. Anxiety filled her mind and her gut churned with fear that this was it.
He would leave and forget about her eventually.
She knew she was not tall and gorgeous like his ex was but damn she was short and cute as fuck. And one hell of a woman. She knew this but fuck, it was such a complicated situation.

A soft sigh left her and she kept glancing to where he still stood talking to others.
Inside her heart, intertwined with her soul. she knew he cared but he had to act as if didn't.
She got that. She understood that.
But fuck if it didn't just piss her off and hurt all at the same time.
The desire for him was not just physical, she wanted his mind set free of the chains he held it in and his body to tremble with need for her. To hear the words of love falling from his lips as he possessed her.
She wanted him in his rawest form, his rough possession claiming all of her. Soul on soul sex, branding her with his mouth, his hands, all skin and fire. This is how the world ends. This is how love stays alive.

She needed them to stay alive in some form.
Some how some day they needed to stay alive.
But how......how do they do this so far apart.

He was walking towards her now and all thoughts fled from her mind.
This man, this gorgeous man, she loved him with all her heart but it would have to remain her secret for she worried he did not love her.

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said.

That damn quote! It haunts me. Shows up to remind me what I should do.

How in the world can I say the words to you and come out the other side unscathed?
A deep fear is that my words will trigger you to completely run away from me in all ways.
You don't like feelings.
They are washing over you as they are crashing upon me.
And we laugh our way around them. Glance them away with indifference and jokes.
But at the end of the day when we are tucked in our respective beds, drifting off to sleep, we know what we desire.
To love....each other. Freely.

I am not a fool. I know you love me as I love you.
How do we get past the obstacles? I know of ways but you will not be open to them, which is understandable.
But damn it pisses me off. Why can't we just take a fucking chance?
It might not work out but oh my Goddess, what if it did?
Even for a short time we would have nirvana. Bliss. Heaven.
Realization that we are awesome together.

A soft snort of laughter at herself, hey chick are you taking a chance with those words you so desperately want to say?
No, so then back off.
Hypocrite.
I get it. I really do. Its the bane of my existence.
My ability to step into your shoes and realize the folly of it all.

You are leaving. Very soon.
I feel panic that we will part ways with nothing but a half side hug and a wave goodbye.
I can't do that. I just fucking can't!
I need your arms around me. Your face buried in my hair while my arms are tight around you. I press my cheek to your chest to hear your heart beating wildly.
Like mine is.
Yeah yeah, you don't do mushy but good hell, mushy leads to some really fun stuff damn it.

Please let's not do the slightly friendly goodbye.
Let's say goodbye with the fireworks we have in our souls for one another.
Let's burn it down with passion.
Let's be the bad asses we are.
And together, even one night, we can light the world up!