Not Like This

This place that I am in does not bode well for my girlish mind.
I find myself slipping into darkness so easily with one misunderstood sentence.
The days where I wonder where I stand in your life.
Then you say or do something that fans the little spark of hope in my heart that I do have a at least a sliver of your affection.

I will admit that I am tired of working around the moods and being ignored.
I stand in my walled off friend space you have placed me in and I wonder if I will ever leave this place.
Desolate at times it brings me to my knees in frustration.
For I want to be in your arms. I want to make you smile. I want to whisper I love you while I make love to you.
I want you to know you are loved, cared for, and wanted beyond all measure.
Is it so hard to even tell me you like my hair, my eyes or tell me how happy I make you?

I find myself in confusion and I've come to understand and believe that we've all felt it at some point or another that place where you just get tired. Tired of trying Tired of fighting just to stay in the same place. But you keep fighting because of that little voice that refuses to be silent that says; it doesn't end like this.

It can't end like this.

For the love of all that is holy, it can't end like this with me standing in my walled off prison while you ride away.

She Needed Him

The sun was going down and the sky had turned a beautiful shade of pink and yellow. The snow around the parking lot was shimmering in the dusk. It was a mild winter day which had brought the one person she wanted to see for months to her at last.
Living 5 hours away was tough to bear but then he never really saw her that much outside work when he was local.
This thought stabbed her in the heart and she felt the butterflies die in her stomach. She could not reconcile at times why they were even at this junction in their friendship.
She loved him, dearly, but he could not deal with her lifestyle. Well, she assumed this by hints he dropped and off hand comments of being outside your marriage, even with permission, is not acceptable.
Understood. She got that. So she kept herself on her side of the lines he had drawn. Kept things light and remained in the friend zone. Though there were times she mushed out on him which she silently suspected he really enjoyed.
She mushed enough for both of them. It was quite funny at times.
Early in their blossoming friendship she wondered if she was just another gal pal, one of the girls who fawned over him and he just was being nice. Then as time went along she saw what she wanted to say was love or at least a fondness in his eyes for her. When he set off for his new adventure 5 hours away the heartbreak in his eyes was something she would never forget.
They stared at each other that day, just drinking in the sight of one another and imprinting their face on their memories. If only things had been different when they met. If only she was not bound to another. If only he would step outside his comfort zone and let this be an adventure.
The tears threatned her at this moment and she had to calm herself. She needed to be happy when she saw him. Not a teary mess.

A soft sigh escaped her and she leaned her head back against the seat while she waited for him to arrive. Truck was running to keep her warm but her hands were cold.
She was nervous. Never understood why the nerves kicked in when she was about to see him. It was puzzling and sometimes quite irritating.
Her gaze flicked to the truck pulling in and her heart leaped upward in tempo as she saw him pull in next to her truck.
Great Goddess, this man made her weak in the knees and made her heart flutter with love.
She was lost, completely and utterly lost.

He walked around to the driver side and she pushed the door open, grinning down at him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile and she reveled in the smile she was getting back as well as the twinkle of happiness in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Hi and look at you, taller than me." he quipped with a crooked grin that always got her going.

"Yep, look at me taller than you. I kinda like this." she laughed as she smiled down at him.

He laughed then held his hands out, "Come here." he said with just the right amount of authority in his voice it sent shivers down her spine and right into her core. Good hell she would kneel to this man and that always shocked her when she thought of it.
She slightly hesitated only because there was something different here. A gleam in his eyes that she could only call determination and resolution.
The shivers turned into something deeper and tugged her heart wide open.
She slid her hands into his and he tugged, she slipped down from the truck and into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

Normally their hugs were quick, he used one arm like a side hug but this hug was possessive and complete. She could hear his heart hammering in his chest and she realized hers was hammering just as hard.
He squeezed her gently, his cheek resting on top of her head and she the became aware of his body was trembling slightly. What was going on and her heart flipped from elation to dread. Oh please don't let this be something bad.....Goddess....

"I have missed you so much." he whispered into her hair not letting her go from the tight hug.
"This is so hard for me to say but I can't do this anymore...no more...." his voice trailed off.

Her heart slammed into the pit of her stomach and she tried to pull away but he would not let her go. So she turned her head upward to stare into his blue eyes which were not filled with sadness or regret. They stared down into her green eyes with a mixture of fear and love. Her heart clawed its way from the abyss as a realization hit her. This was not goodbye, this was hello.

Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. "Then let's not do this anymore..." she whispered then stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.
Their first kiss, in the middle of winter in a parking lot but it was perfect.
He hestiated a moment, just a slight moment, then he was crushing her to him and deepening the kiss till her head spun.

"I love you....I know I shouldn't but I can't deny this anymore. I am tired of being lonely and missing you. So fuck it....whatever we need to do lets do it." he said with a fierce look in his eyes and her grin reappeared on her face.

"I love you too. Let's do this." she said as she pulled him down for another kiss. The soft groan that escaped him as her body molded to his was a thrill beyond anything.
She knew this would be hard. It would take work. It was not accepted. But they would be strong and for how ever long it lasted, they would cherish every moment.
She knew that this would be her epic adventure of her life.

She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.

Just For Once

Just for once I want someone to call me because they just want to talk because they miss me.
Just for once I want someone to step outside their walls and take a chance on me.
Just for once I wish someone thought I was worth the effort.
Just for once I wish someone would tell me how much they care for me.
Just for once I wish someone saw my sadness and cared.
Just for once I wish someone would wipe away my tears.
Just for once I wish someone saw how my world is crumbling.
Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

So Much Easier

It's a setup.
A trap for the unwary heart and lonely soul.
A bright smile, gentle voice and a soul that speaks to my own as if it were made from the same batch of stardust as my own.

We met. We talked. You smiled. I fell. You didn't.
You kept your distance but then did not. You came close then danced away.
Your eyes would reveal your secrets for a brief moment and I would catch my breath and think...yes this is right, this is good, he cares. Then it would fade away into the politeness and societal norm.
My heart wanted you but circumstances would not allow us to come together.
Or am I fooling myself?
Would you cross those invisible, social lines for another?
Maybe that's it.....maybe its my old, lumpy body with the fading memory of youth clinging to its surface that has turned you away.
Perhaps you enjoy my bantering, my kindness and my beautiful green eyes but the rest...nah, just not my type.
There was nothing worth crossing the line for.
That has to be it.....or maybe not. Who knows......no one ever will for your thoughts are closed off to me. You closed yourself off to me.

Yeah that got a few prickles of tears in my eyes.

Now I go through the motions of my day trying to just be me. Normal.
But in truth....
It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine

Feed me Bacon

Fuck this and everything with it.
Her frustration was at an epic level. Her heart pounded hard within her chest with the fear of what she had to do.
She would see him today and the truth would come out.
Fuck the consequences.So tired of living with this in her soul.
Time to tell him how she felt and if he felt he had to dump their friendship due to this revelation then so be it. His loss.

Dressed up to her best she slipped out of the truck to see him standing there watching her.
It was almost as if he knew something was up. Was it the way she walked toward him with a determined stride or was it the intensity in her eyes?
She did not care. Let him fret over it.
She noticed his narrowing of eyes and what the hell look but it was ignored as she slipped her arms around his waist to hug him tight.
She inhaled deeply to memorize his scent. This may not happen again so she was going to take advantage of it.
His arms tightened around her and with that a realization hit her. He had both arms around her this time. Normally she only got a one armed hug but tonight he hugged her tight to his tall frame.
It thrilled her to the core. That would not sway the course, no. It must be said. No matter what.

The evening came to an end and with a few drinks in them they laughed their way outside.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she knew it was time to get the show on the road.

They stopped and she looked up into his gorgeous eyes. All the determination almost fled in the light of those eyes searching hers.
No! She would not lose this opportunity. Who knew when she would see him again.

Her hands slid around his waist and she said.

"I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. What has been on my mind for quite some time."

His arms held her against him and that was making her mind muddled as he did not normally keep her close. Hell, he usually walked 3 feet away from her just so she knew he was not interested. He would not sit too close. Nor touch her. Nor compliment her.
All of those thoughts fired her up and she stared into his eyes with intensity.

"Please, tell me. I want to know." he said softly a small smile tugging at his lips.

Oh, that smirk. Did he think this was fucking funny?
"What's so funny?!" She growled up at him.

His grin broke out fully and he chuckled.
"You are so damn cute when you are mad......well you might not be mad but you are frustrated. Talk to me. I promise...I will be nice." he kept grinning at her.

Damn him. Damn him. She said over and over in her head then she decided it was now or never.

"I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I am not asking you to reciprocate I just need you to know."
Those words spilled out of her so fast she felt light headed.
His arms tightened on her and the smile was gone from his face.
Awww fuck, Here we go. Down to where she hoped it would not go. She could feel her heart starting to break.

One of his hands slid over her cheek and she paused in her internal drama show.

"If you don't feel I should reciprocate then what do you want me to do?" he said softly, his eyes showing a deep emotion she wanted to tag as adoration but she could not believe it so she snapped.

"Feed me bacon and chocolate and tell me I'm fucking pretty!"

He stared at her a moment then burst out laughing, hugging her tighter to his chest. She felt his lips press to the top of her head.

"Look at me little one." he lifted her chin up and she stared into eyes filled with happiness and love.

"I'm in love with you too. I can get some bacon and chocolate. Telling you are pretty...nah....cause you are fucking gorgeous."

Then before she could even respond his lips claimed hers in their first kiss.

Eye Contact

"Have you been writing lately?"
She looked up at her friend across the table and then sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"No, it just seems to be impossible to get what is bottled up in me out."
She stared down into her drink and thought, wow she did have a lot bottled up but how to get it out. Every time she tried all the words seemed small and pointless in the face of what she had to deal with. Unrequited love and her situation made it all so hard to even wrap a mind around.

"But I thought with your mind on him all the time you would have tons to write about." Her friend said.

"If it were only so easy. When I think of him its as if my mind just shuts down and the fantasy in my head is better than anything I could ever write."
She paused as one memory came to her. One day as they were sitting at dinner, a few drinks in, and they were left alone as everyone had left the table.
He had looked over at her and their eyes met. Blue and green merged and there was no mistaking the desire in hers and the need in his.
Butterflies whirled around in her stomach and she knew, that is what she should write about. How staring into his eyes changed her soul.

"Sometimes we write about things that both fascinate and terrify us. Like, for example sustained eye contact that goes on just seconds too long that'll send someone over your edges and into your bones, where you'll then stand revealed and with nowhere to hide, from that turning point in space, in connection, and time, when two separate worlds will actually collide, and you'll find yourself always remembering their eyes."
She paused to take a drink then looked at her friend with sad eyes.

"His eyes are what I should write about. Those amazing, beautiful blue eyes that stole my soul."