Weather

I have learned to weather the storms of my soul.
Indeed I have.

Indeed....
he was unexpected.
I truly did not expect him or his effect on me
my heart,
my mind
my feelings.
He was the calming sound of the light pitter-patter of drizzle on an April Sunday morning
in my brutal, destructive hurricane.

I stand in the land where he walked away in a storm.

I close my eyes, still seeing those words wash over me.
The harsh reality of them is still evident for my heart still aches.
Why? The insanity of that one word is lost on me.
If I were to take that word, toss it into the chaos of my soul it would explode into a white hot star that would burn for eternity.
An eternity where visions of what could have been fly past in streaks of light.

I lost much.
Then I fought as a warrior should when their own soul is at stake.

My hurricane has settled to a tropical storm but the waves still lash the rocky beach of my heart when I read words that remind me of you.

I still day dream.

I wish to hear that calming sound of the rain gently falling while I lean into your warm body wishing winter would never come.
For the cold has a way of taking us apart, hiding us away in the deepest recesses of our world and we miss the warmth of one another.

I miss your warmth.
I miss what could have been.

I miss my sanity.
It has been stolen and my heart is still being lashed by storm waves of loss.

With a soft sob she tossed aside the pen and stared at the page where she had written out the ache within her soul.
Her gaze went to the window, she could hear dogs barking in the distance and the birds in the trees and things almost seemed normal.
Except for the pit within her stomach where she felt there was a black pit of despair that would take her down in a heartbeat if she let her guard down.

The air was cool, as fall was quickly approaching and she really did not want winter.
It made her feel as if she was cut off from the world and frozen within.
She shook herself from this melancholy and chastised herself for thinking so deeply about someone who walked out of her life.
The paper with her soul written upon it showed her the cold, harsh reality of how lost she truly was. She would never admit to him though for she feared he would laugh or think her weak.
A shiver of despair washed over her and she decided she could not keep these words.
She tucked the page into the shredder beneath her desk.
The page disappeared into the grinding teeth and fell shredded into the bin.
It looked like her life, those bits of paper all tossed together with no hope of ever reconstructing what they were originally.
She was not the same person and that was ok, she did feel stronger but the days like this one where her heart exploded with an aching need of him scared her.
Friends told her that she would heal in time.
Time had passed, she had healed some but she felt she would never truly heal completely.
For how does one heal from something they desire with all of their soul?

Never Understand

She stood up from the chair quickly, her eyes ablaze for he had finally said the thing that she did not want to hear.
She had told him her side of things over and over. Did he hear her? No, he only wanted to be right. That was the kind of man he was, a right fighter. It did not matter that his view was skewed, selfish and egotistical he only wished to be right.
He sat there and said those horrible things about her to someone else?!
He betrayed her in a way that was not right and he blamed her.
How the hell was his betrayal her fault?
Her body trembled with the fury that raced through her heart and then swirled like poison in her stomach.

Eyes narrowed she said softly.
"I have said so many things to help you understand, I have explained myself until I was blue in the face. I did everything you wanted. I stopped when you said. Then you said you wanted things this way, just us, this way and then you go and do what you told me to stop doing?"

Her voice had no brittle edge to it, in reality it was low and fierce.
Then she tilted her head at his next words that struck her like a hammer.

"It was how I felt at the time and I acted." his smugness was sickening.

With a lift of her chin she stared him in the eyes and said.

"And I think I realized that even after all my explaining, you still would never understand. You have proven me correct and with that being said...goodbye."

She turned, ignoring his protests and scooped up her keys.
She was leaving this place. Leaving him and all the betrayal behind.
Yes it would be hard to live on her own but she would not exist in a marriage where she was twisted into something she was not.

She walked into the sunlight, lifted her face to the warm rays and knew winter was coming but for now the sunshine warmed some of the cold recesses of her heart.

After Summer

   The last tank top was placed into the winter storage bin and pushed to the back of the closet. She came out into the bedroom and the sunset caught her eye out the window. Wispy clouds hung low over the mountain tops, painted purple, pink and yellow by the setting sun.
The nights had ceased being warm, they were now crisp and invigorating.
The aspens in her yard were starting to change into their fall formal dress of yellow and orange.
She loved fall as much as she loved spring but summer always held her heart.
Summer is where she found love. Fall is where she lost that love.
Winter is where she sat with the broken heart.
Spring is where she came to life once again.

   Her gaze went to the sunset again and a v of Canadian geese flew by. Their moving on to escape the harshness of the winter showed her that she had to move on as well.
As hard as it was to do. As much as she wanted to cling to the memories that were beginning to fade. As much as she wanted things to go back to that good time she knew that if the geese could move on after summer then so could she.
She would not ever forget the time they spent together.
She would never forget the look in his dark eyes.
But she has moved on, memories intact and safely tucked away for her to cherish.

"At least we had the summer my love. At least we had that and who knows, maybe we have another one in us." she said softly to the disappearing geese and then turned back to the packing of summer.

Hearts at Intervals

Great Goddess she was a fool.
Of course her bravado did her no good. She talked a big game but when it came down to when she needed to step up, be strong, she faltered. As usual.

It was his eyes.
Those gorgeous, deep brown eyes that she ached to stare into for eons.
She saw him today.
Not the fleeting across the room glance of his form moving by.
But a full on, two foot away, breathless encounter.

Oh it pissed her off to no end that this guy, who just did not care, could still mess her up inside.
She would never admit it. Hell no.
She could not meet his eyes for it would give her away.
She would walk by without a word, eyes elsewhere, breath caught in her throat.
She had no words anyway. What could she say at this point? After what he said and what she knew he meant.
So the silence reigned. Painfully lorded over her broken heart.

It's a travesty when two hearts, at different intervals in life, find each other.
And although they would otherwise be perfect for each other, they can't be together, for the timing isn't right.

She didn't cry anymore.
The pain was not raw anymore, time had seen fit to scar her up.
But she was not impervious to her own day dreams and desires.
There were times when she really delved deep into her dreams where he was at her side, happiness was abundant, that a tear would steal down her cheek.
The tear wrung from a scarred heart for what might have been.
Then the tear dries up for it was over. Well and truly over.
No talking. No smiles. No touches. Nothing but dark, silence with glances to the ground.
Such harsh tactics to keep hearts guarded.

But there was a moment where she saw him for who he truly was. A sweet, caring, smiling soul who wished to only make her happy. That person would always be engraved on her heart.
Bright and hot like a star.

He was her dream and in this lifetime it was not to be.
Perhaps that was all it was.....just a dream

Otherness

   He saw her, up close, for the first time in a while. It was startling to be sure but it also strangely soothed him to know she was still part of his world in some small way.
He felt himself gape at her as she strolled by and the memories rushed in like a swarm of bees. He wanted to run away from the pain but the images came hard and fast.
The way her eyes crinkled when she really smiled wide. The twinkle in those green depths when she was teasing him. The feel of her skin under his hands and the sound of her soft moans as he delved deeply within her.
The look in her green eyes as she passed him was startling. He thought he would see anger, dismissal but what he saw confused him, frightened him and also gave him a slight shiver of hope.

He seemed to be without breath as he went on his way, almost running up the stairs to escape the ghost.
When he reached his destination he must have looked spooked for more than one person questioned him about his composure. He knew if he had looked in a mirror at that moment he would see his mouth pinched in a tight line, his back ram rod straight and his brow furrowed in what can only be called agitation.

Letting out a slow breath he stared at nothing for a moment, gather his thoughts to the task at hand. It was hard to reign in the images of silken skin, sweet smiles just for him, and the knowledge that that woman had loved him very much at one time. But what about now?
He refused to examine how he felt about her for she was his kryptonite. The one woman who could undo him and send him to his knees. Not in submission but in the desire to please, to make her gorgeous face light up in love.

He grabbed a pen and wrote as the thoughts came to him.

She always had that look about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far
and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world.

Tossing the pen aside he did not see the person behind him until he spoke.

"Who is that about?" a male voice said and he about came out of his skin. Turning in his chair he saw his friend from down the hall.
He shook his head and then sighed.
"Someone I lost."

His friend nodded as he leaned against the wall.
"How did you lose her?"

A sad smile touched his lips and he said softly. "Arrogance and stupidity."

"We all get there sometimes. Won't she forgive?"

"It's a matter of choice. My choice. I chose something else and while I know she understood she....damn....hell..." he ran a hand through his hair and sighed softly.

"Yeah. well what does that mean then?" his friend nodded to the paper on the desk.

He stared at the paper a moment knowing that he had to do what he had to do. But then it was an easy choice at the time. what he had was easy in a way, he knew it all, the ins and outs and how to play it. This woman, this amazing creature that stirred his very soul to insane heights, scared the hell out of him and he knew, just by looking in her eyes, that she knew everything there was to know about him. Every secret. Every bad thing he had ever done. Every good deed. Every trespass on a heart. She had his number and it terrified him. She was a witch come with spells casted on his heart and soul.
"She was my conscious. She saw into my heart and soul but accepted it as it was meant to be. She could see things as they came, touched people where they needed to heal and all at her own expense. Not of this world. Something that fell from space, flaming like a star not meant for a mere mortal such as myself." he said softly and stared at the paper, not seeing the words but seeing those haunting green eyes.