Sucks

She sat across from her friend in the restaurant and sighed.

"He is going to be leaving soon. I believe he cares for me but he can't go there. I don't offer the best circumstance for a relationship. I mean it is a little different. Not many can share."

Her gaze was on her untouched plate of food. It was hard to eat these days.

"I sure know how to pick them eh?" She laughed and her friend agreed.

"I mean he is amazing. Gorgeous. Sweet. Smart. Creative. So much fun. I want to spend time with him and .....yeah go there." She laughed softly.

"But he won't even go out with me anymore. He keeps his distance. I sit at home thinking he does love me in some way right? I mean why would he get so close. We talk all the time. I know almost everything. He tells me his secrets. But still....he stays away. He is careful with his words. "

She poked a fork in her fettuccine and shook her head.

"It makes me question what I feel. What if this is all one sided and I make an ass of myself by saying something to him? Goddess, that would be an epic fail."

She looked across the table at her friend with un-shed tears in her eyes and said

"It sucks when you know that you need to let go but you can't because you're waiting for the impossible to happen."

Her gaze fell to her food and she felt her heart squeeze painfully. It was time to just let it be.

I Hope You Find

Heart pounding in her chest she knew he was going to be leaving tomorrow and tonight was a rare night for them.
They actually will be together. Alone.
He kept his distance from her and the last few weeks had been agonizing. He would not go with her anywhere, see her, drink with her. Nothing.

Eyes flicked up from where she leaned against her car in the parking lot to see him pull up.
As he got out of his truck her gaze drank him in.
This amazing man caught her attention almost a year ago and their friendship grew into this deep connection they never spoke about. But they both knew it was there.
She watched him walk up to her with a smile on his face but she could see the strain at the corners of his eyes.
This was hard on him too. She knew this and she remained careful around him.
It was hard to keep her hands to herself. Goddess that was the truth.
Her palms itched to slide down his chest. Her body ached to press to his. Her lips tingled to touch his and know the passion that was always between them.

They walked into the bar to have their last drinks and talk about his move.

Once the night wound down and they were walking to their cars she stopped him with a hand on his arm.

"You are leaving and I have to do this. I have to. So deal with it." she said with a playful smile and the she wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug.
He went very still for a moment and her heart sank, oh Goddess, he did not love her He did not see her this way. Oh shit I am a fool.
The last thought was crushed into oblivion as his strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her tight against his body.
She buried her face in his chest and inhaled.
She wanted to memorize his scent. Wanted to imprint him on her soul so when she was feeling lost she could reach for his anchor.
His face nuzzled her hair and shivers washed over her body.
She could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Hers pounded in rhythm.

They stood there locked in each others arms, neither one willing to let go first.
Though he did speak first.

"I am going to miss you little one. I wish things were different. God I wish."

She could hear the barely contained emotion in his voice and she lifted her head to look up at him.

"I will miss you too. I know we never went out much I wanted to all the time. You are ...amazing." She said softly and then sighed heavily.
"I always wanted to know how you felt about me but I never asked cause I was worried I was off base. That you did not have any feelings for me other than casual."

His head shook slowly then his soft voice admitted what she had been wanting to hear.

"I fell for you months ago but I knew I could not go there with your situation. I knew if I touched you I could not stop. I knew if I kissed you I would never stop. I knew if I made love to you I would be begging you to run away with me and I know you can't. I cannot do what you guys do, so I have to go. I am a storm of emotions. " He sighed and then went silent.

Her hand reached up and slid over his cheek. He gazed down into her eyes.
Raising on tip toes she pressed her lips to his softly. A gentle kiss but every ounce of love she had for him was in it. His soft sigh told her he was losing his battle and he dragged her up to kiss her deeper.
She felt his tongue slide into her mouth and the desire whipped through her and she knew this was heaven. She knew now why they did not get close. This was a true storm of fire.

Pulling away she felt the emotions over flow in her soul and she felt her heart break into a thousand pieces.
He needed someone who could be there for him all the time. Who would cook him pancakes in the morning and brew strong coffee. Who would massage his back after a long day of working on his projects. Who would make him laugh even when he did not want to. Who would travel with him and be his anchor in the storms of life.
She could only give him half of that and it was not fair.
She had to let him go.
Let her soul mate go.

She remained in his arms and laid her head on his chest. His arms tightened around her.
Her protector. Her warrior.

She began to speak softly.
"I hope you find someone who is brave enough to enter your storm and respects you enough to love the size of your waves. I hope you find someone who will relish the calm you can have, and who is eager to set sail on the expanse of your mind."

She took a step back from him to look up into his eyes as hers swam with tears she continued.

"I hope you find someone that can't escape the love they have for you because now they have you in their very blood, always reminding them that you are the only sea worth exploring."

He stared down at her his own eyes shimmering with tears but he said nothing.

"I love you. I know its crazy to say.. I know it is not the right time. I have no idea if you feel the same but I have to say it so you know you are loved."

She took another step backwards watching him then turned to rush to her car as the tears streamed down her face.

Isn't it that What Friends are For?

The day had gone from bad to worse in a matter of moments.
Of course I instantly felt sorry for myself because what I had just been told affected me deeply.
He would be leaving soon. Going away. Far away and that meant they had no chance.

Ha. Like I had a chance anyway.

Hours later when alone in my room in the dark just staring into the space above I stopped the selfish pain.
He was going through a lot of his own. So much on his mind. So many things he kept close to his chest that I had to play the guessing game to try and help.
He did not realize that I knew his feelings. Felt them rush to tangle with my own.
There were days I did not know where I ended and he began.
Such flights of fancy! If he ever read this he may back away slowly with a scared smile on his face for his friend had lost her mind.

Friends that is all they were. Hell, more like online friends for as much as they saw one another.
That stung.
He even kept me at arms length physically.
Oh how I have always wanted to wrap my arms around his big body and bury my face in his chest.
I bet he smells amazing.
But they were close.They talked to much. Shared some secrets.
Didn't that mean anything?!
Obviously....it does on some level.
Ah but I digress.....back to the point.

I realized as I lay in the dark feeling sorry for myself that I had to remember he was going through his pain. Just because he did not do this or that did not mean he stopped caring.
Did not mean he had abandoned the friendship.
I really need to get a grip.

Friendship. What a fucked up word when it was used in this context.
They could be nothing but friends.
Bullshit.
Well there were odd circumstances but hell aren't those things the obstacles we should climb over in life to get to what we truly want?
I may need to remember one thing - he may not want me.
Suck on that one for a while.
It is a bitter pill to swallow.

If I were to tell him anything it would be this:

It hurts to know that you will never look at me the way I look at you.

And so I will bury my disappointment, my hurt and make sure I am the rock he needs while he goes through his stressful time.
I will be his champion. I will be the one he can always trust
I will hide my tears at home and only show him the sunshine he needs.

After all isn't that what friends are for?
Even the friends you are in love with?

You

The pain settled above her right eye and she sighed softly as she closed her eyes for some relief.
Things had not been going well lately and she felt the stress in every part of her body.
There were days she wanted to just scream fuck you all and walk out the door and not look back. But she had to keep putting one foot in front of the other to get the job done.
She did not think she had much more in her today though. Her body ached along with her head now.

Settling into bed she sat there. One glass of wine drained and the relief flowed through her body.
Relaxing her muscles. Releasing the tension.
Eyes closed she let the day just slip away.
Her phone buzzed and one eye cracked open to peer at who dare text her now.

There he was. The calm in the center of the hurricane of her life.
Her lips turned up into a smile.
This man always knew when to lift her up and how.

Touching the text she read his words.
'Chin up little one. I got you and if you need me to come hold you tonight just say the word and I will be on my way/'

Chaos was her life.
And in the middle of my chaos there was you.....

She sent her text to him.
It simply read; I need you now. All I want is You.

I Dreamed of You

'I dreamed of you. I dreamed you were wandering in the dark and so was I. We found each other. We found each other in the dark'

She stared at the text she had typed out to him.
She would not send it. Oh no. That would not do.
He would look at it and think she had finally lost it.
Fear laced her heart as she did not want to ever lose him in her life.
They were friends. This is where he seemed to want to remain but she wanted more.

So much more.

Phone tossed aside she leaned back in bed and let out a nervous breath.
She hated texting him for she never knew if he would answer or not. Most of the time he did but something like this would not be understood.
The desire for him burned in her soul.
Need snaked through her as she thought about kissing him for the first time.
How it would feel to slide her hands over his skin.

Her phone buzzed and her gaze froze on the name.
It was him!

Clicking open the phone she looked down to see he had answered her text.
Fear whipped her heartbeat up another notch as she realized the text she had typed out sent.
The one she intended not to send was sent anyway.

His text back to her read 'We did find each other in the dark and now we hold on to one another while we walk into the light. I am coming over for it's getting dark and we need to be together my little one.'

Heart galloping in her chest she grinned.
Oh my. Oh my. He was coming over. He wanted this. He wanted her.

She texted back: 'I will be waiting.'

Then she bounded out of bed to get ready for her lover.

In the Middle of a Lightning Storm

Bright light danced through the room and then the sound of thunder rolled right after.
The storm was bearing down on her and she felt the weight of it on her soul.
She dreamed her days away. Thinking about him. Wondering about him. Wishing he would do this or that.
Her courage fled in the face of trying to tell him how she felt
Her fear was to find out he did not feel that way about her.
Then he would leave.

Her body ached for his touch.
Lips tingled with the desire to touch his.

The lightning flashed again, lighting up the worry lines between her eyebrows.
The tightness in her chest seemed to grow and as one lone tear rolled down her cheek she whispered to the storm as it raged above.

"I would kiss you in the middle of a lightning storm. I would kiss you knowing it would kill me, cause I'd rather be left for dead than left to wonder what thunder sounds like."

The thunder shook the windows as if echoing her statement.

The tears fell like the rain.

Fear Losing You

Tonight I sit and stare at the quotes I have saved.
They rip through my mind and I feel like any one of them I try to place where he will see will backfire.
He won't see the quote from me but he will let the quote take him to the other one he is in love with.

It seems I am the one who hangs out on the edges of people's lives.
I lift them up but I am never the one they think of when a love song comes on the radio.

I wish I was.
I want to be that one he thinks of when he closes his eyes at night.
I want to be the one he thinks of first when he wakes up.

I have a rock in my chest where my heart should be.
It sits on my lungs making it hard to breathe.

I want to think good things but I am so used to being left behind and forgotten.

Our conversation went further than ever before. He was so sweet and funny.

He pushed me to talk about what was on my mind.
I felt the fear rise up and pull the darkness over my eyes and seal my mouth shut.
How can I tell this amazing man that I am in love with him when he is in love with someone else?
I fear he will shut down and then I lose my friend.

He would never read this so I will say what I wish I could tell him -

I love the way your smile lights up your eyes.
I love the way you move with such power and grace.
I love how protective you are of me.
I love how your sharp sense of humor makes me laugh.
I love how you make me smile every day.
I love you...all of you.
I can't lose you because if I ever did I'd have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything

All I care about is his happiness. I will be the rock he needs when he is down and needs to rest his troubles.
I will hold him up as he goes through his tough times. I will listen and soothe him as a friend would do.
I will love him quietly and when he flies away to live the life he has dreamed about I will applaud him with joy as the tears stream down my face as my heart breaks.