All Good Things Come to Those who Wait

All Good Things Come to Those who Wait
Lost Girl

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.




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