That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.
The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.
I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.
I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.
I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.
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