Not a Casual Love

"You know it's too much!" he growled as he stalked a few steps away from her in the parking lot.

She watched him, shoulders slightly hunched, his movements jerky and quick and she knew he was angry but she did not give a fuck. This drama filled poor excuse for a friendship was done and she was not one to hide how she felt. It was like lying. She did not lie.
He whirled around and a year ago she would have flinched at the anger flushing his face but not now.
Her chin rose a notch and her gaze stared him down. She was done and she would have her say.

He stepped forward and angrily spat out, "You and I have gone too fast with all of this. I get quiet with you because it is all overwhelming."

She began to go tell him to fuck off but then she saw it in his eyes, not anger, but fear. He was lashing out due to the fear he had inside of himself. Her heart twisted a little and then she knew what she needed to do.
She met his step and soon with a step of her own she was inches from him, staring up into those wonderful dark eyes that even in this moment, flashing with a mixture of angry fear still melted her core.
He went silent, a wary expression on his face but the anger in his eyes shifted to one of desire.
This is what always happened to them when they were close. Fire.

"I don't love casually. When I love it's fierce. It's my soul ripped wide open and raw. It's my whole heart on display. It's all I have and everything I know, handed over to you, like a gift. Unwrap it gently." she said softly as her fingertips touched his cheek.

She watched the emotions fly through his eyes until the one she wanted remained. His own love for her.
He placed his hand over hers while it rested on his cheek. She knew this was hard for him but it was for her as well and this could not only be about his fear, she had her own worries.
it was time to work this out.

"I love you/" he said softly. "I...I....damn...so hard..." his eyes flitted away from hers. Nervousness washed over him and she felt it sting her own body with its intensity.

"I love you too and I know we have many hurdles. A lot of water under the bridge but together we can get through this and have something amazing." her voice was gentle. She knew he was scared to go down the path again, to end up in the same place he had been and face that pain of loss.
She understood the road ahead would be tough, unorthodox but it would be worth it. She would make sure it was worth it.
Open. Loving and Free.

What it's Like to be a Writer

She stood in line with the book under her arm, craning her neck down the snaking length of other hopefuls waiting to meet the writer of her favorite novel. Of course, like many here, she was an aspiring writer.
Her life was filled with magical valleys where unicorns drank from crystal clear streams, dragons flew in the night sky, love always had a happy ending, and a worm hole could open up any moment to take her away to a far galaxy.
Sometimes her mind was about to burst from it all.
Her writing was praised. Her writing was short and unfinished and that bothered her.
Life got in the way most of the time.
Bosses do not like dragons flying around the office nor unicorns drinking from the fountain. Of course there are no happy endings as written and a worm hole was something she saw in the grass near the parking area that really contained an earthworm.

Soon she was in front of him and her grin was wide. She wondered how many times he heard how each fan was also an aspiring writer.

"Hello" he said with a smile.
"Hi..." she said smiling back and handed him the book. She watched him sign his name and then as he was done, handing the book back she decided to just ask.

"How do you keep your moments from spilling out all over the place? I mean, my moments, my fantasies are so messy at times that I swear they would consume the unwary." she said in a rush.

He leaned back in his chair, eyes narrowing but a smile on his lips
"I don't keep them in check at all. I let them get messy all over the place. I mean disgusting, sloppy messy where people could step in them." he nodded with a grin and leaned forward.
"That's how I keep it real....well in my world."

"I can imagine but my life does not allow for such wild abandon." she said with a sadness that she did try to keep hidden but he noticed. His hand fell over hers and he said softly.

"I want you to do me a favor. Close your eyes."

She stared at him and he nodded, "Go ahead...close your eyes, forget this place."
So she closed her eyes and he began to speak again.

"Take a deep breath and empty your day. Erase all of your present fears. Now find your way back to that secret moment when you let them break you. That place in time when all those things you promised yourself as a child; all those starlit magic filled worlds you swore you'd never give up were handed over for what you have now. Go back to that moment."
He squeezed her hand and she was lost in those starlit memories. The bustling, noisy room faded into nothing as she concentrated.
"And with everything you are - by tooth, by nail, by word and by bone - steal it back. It is your right by birth to be who you were meant to be. It is then, and only then that you will know what its like to be a writer."
His voice faded and she knew he was right. By all the nine hell's he was right.

She opened her eyes and looked into his. He smiled then said. "What's your name?"

"Sky..." she said softly and then watched him write in her book once again. Closed the book and handed it back to her.

"Go write Sky. You have the gift. I can see it in your eyes."

"Thank you so much and I will......I will go do just that." She grinned and turned away realizing everyone behind her was staring in awe but she just kept her grin on her face and walked away.

Out on the sidewalk she opened the book to see what he added to her book.

Sky, write like no one is watching and be who you are meant to be. A writer.

Empty Paper

Her gaze went to the snow falling outside and a chill washed over her small form.
Spring was so strange here at times. One day warm with birds chirping in the trees and the next the snow is flying like winter has started all over again.
Her hand slid over the blank piece of paper on the desk and she dropped her eyes to it.

Blank.
No matter how she tried she could not pull up the emotions to write a single word.
She saw his picture today and for a moment there was life within her soul. Even if it was a sharp, breath stealing pain, she felt alive for a moment. Shit, she was shocked to feel anything at this point.
Her mind raced and she knew, yes I will be able to write tonight. To let the emotions that are so tightly bundled away come unraveled in a torrent of not so neat explosions of anguish and love.

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty.
And I could not have
described it any better.

She stood and tossed the pen aside on the desk.
Empty. Yes she was empty.
She walked away and did not look back for there was nothing to see.

Coiled Beneath Her Bones

.
It was rather beautiful: the way he put her insecurities to sleep.
The way he dove into her eyes and starved all the fears and tasted all the dreams she kept coiled beneath her bones.

She leaned back, staring down at the table where she had written the words out in red chalk.
The table was a chalk board and chalk in all colors was provided for patrons to sit and let their inner muse roll forth while the sip the java of the day.
A dot of yellow went to the flower she had drawn next to the words.

"Those words are haunted." a male voice said near to her right side.
She looked up to see a man standing there looking at her work on the table. A crease of concentration shown between his brows and his dark eyes seemed to almost be lost in some dark memory of his own.
She was sure that his bones kept dreams like hers as well as nightmares.

"They are haunted. When they come from a place of wanting they do tend to take on that flavor." she said softly as she put down the yellow chalk, not watching but hearing it roll over the table. Her gaze was riveted to this interesting man who came into her bubble of silence to ask about what she wrote.
Brave soul to enter the lair of the boar.

"There is more than one flavor here." his voice was low and now his gaze of chocolate had moved to latch onto her.

Did her heart stutter a moment? Indeed it did for it was like something inside her remembered this person from some where but she he was not immediately familiar.

"Indeed. There are flavors of true love, fear and resentment."

"I can see that but what about hope?" he said as he sat down in the chair beside her. His long dark hair brushed his shoulders and he sat his own coffee down to the left of her flower on the table.

"Hope is a pipe dream. A false door in an otherwise solid existence." she said and looked away to pick up her own caramel mocha coffee. Those combined flavors were soothing and lovely to her tongue. She needed to be distracted from this dark eyed stranger who was poking holes in her theories.
He made a soft grunting sound and then when she turned back to him he was writing on the table in blue chalk.

His words read; Hope shines the brightest in the darkest moments.

Her gaze lifted from the dusty, printed words beneath her little yellow and green daisy she had drawn and she inclined her head, a smile touching her lips.

"It has been a dark time for me. Perhaps you are the one who shows me the door truly opens to a brighter day?" her heart was pounding in anticipation and fear at his reaction. She had not felt this way in years.

His smile was truly incredible for it made him seem like a ray of sunshine even with his dark hair and eyes. He glowed with promise and adventure.

"I would be honored to show such an eloquent soul the sunshine that awaits. She only has to walk through the door."

She laughed and she knew she would be alright.
She knew that the secrets under her bones may be safe out in the gaze of this one.
Her fears were truly being starved and her joy was being fed.

Closed my Eyes

(Quote above from: Rumi. I added the rest on)

 I closed my eyes and spoke to you
in a thousand, silent ways.

In that darkness I created my own light.
I danced with you as I desired.
Feeling your skin beneath my fingertips.
Knowing each place to touch that would make you shiver.
Smiling as the moan of pleasure broke the careful silence.

I create the moonlight that shone down on our forms.
In that moment we were one.
In that moment we were the way we were supposed to be.

Even if it was only in my silent dreams.

Dancing With Ghosts

Spring was coming once again with its rain, warm winds and delicate green things starting to show their faces to the sun.
She stood at the window of the office building looking out over the tops of the buildings below and then her gaze her lifted to the horizon.
Past the bustling city with the planes, cars and people all noisily going about their business there was an expanse of quiet. That is where her mind went when she looked to the west.
Memories assailed her and she was disappointed in herself for even still thinking of him.
When there was a connection between them it was easily ignored and walked away from. She did not know how he shut himself off but he was an expert at it.
Then to be touched once and shoved out the door was heart wrenching.
By all the nine hell's she did not want to have that reaction. She spent a ton of time going over her thoughts, feelings and actions to see what her problem was.
After that soul searching journey she knew it was what it was.
It was nothing to him now. That was obvious.
Isn't it a cruel joke to love someone who does not love you in return.
She snorted with amusement at her fanciful, romantic self.
She danced around the what if's all the time. She day dreamed of different times. Changed outcomes. what would happen now if they crossed paths.
She shook her head and pressed her forehead and realized she truly was lost, holding on only by a thin thread.
She never got to say those things that needed to be said and she regretted that.
She knew one thing for sure, down to her core, she was not alone.

There is a ghost here. A lonely, heartbroken spirit. The ghost of everything that could have been and never was.

She danced with the ghost of the past and the imaginary ghost of the future.
They teased and taunted her. Showed her what she had for a fleeting moment and what she will never have.

Tears streamed down her face and she ignored them. For those wet tracks were a badge of shame she wore for aching for something that will never be.
No matter how many day dreams she had.
No matter how many ghosts she danced with.

Do Things

"I feel like I fucked it all up. Maybe I was too passive in it all? I did not go after him like I normally would. But hell, I wanted him so bad my heart would leap out of my chest when I saw him and my tongue would tie itself into a bow tie." she sighed with sadness.
"I felt like an utter fool and I wanted so bad to say I'm sorry for not being who you thought I was. But I really am that wild gal that you desired. Damn, the silence hurt." her voice cracked on the last word and she hung her head.

"Hey....look at me." her friend said with a stern tone.

She looked up into his eyes and saw his concern. She sat up straight and smiled as he knelt before her, his eyes bright.

"Listen to me. Do the things you used to talk about doing but never did." his hand squeezed hers and he continued.
"Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don't be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologizing all the time. Learn to say no so your yes has some oomph." His smile was gentle and she could not tear her eyes from his. She felt his words sinking into her little broken heart.
"Spend some time with friends who lift you up.." he winked "and cut loose the ones who bring you down. And stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom and young enough to enjoy it." he lifted her hand, kissed the back of it then said softly.
"Finally....know who you are." he turned her hand over and kissed the palm. His dark eyes filled with what she knew was love.

Her heart expanded and the love she felt for this person spilled forth.
Her other hand lifted to slide over his cheek and she whispered. "It's time for me to tell it like it is then...."

She leaned forward, seeing this beautiful man for the person he was showing at this moment, not the hidden playful creature that seemed to plague their time together most of the time.
Her lips pressed to his gently, she felt him stiffen but then after a moment his other hand snaked into her hair to cup the back of her neck, holding her to deep the kiss.
She thrilled when his tongue delved into hers, tasting her deep and the love she held for this soul in her arms spilled forth.
Breaking the kiss her green gaze stared into his dazed browns.

"I love you." she said breathlessly.

His smile was like the sun, bright, happy and utterly blinding.

"I love you too my little one. Always have. Always will."