Aching Bones

   "Hey, did you get to meet him last night?" her friend asked as sat down on the chair across from her in the living room.

   She nodded and then sighed. The night was not what she wished it to be. It was great to see him but it was always the same deal. They would not talk for months, then he would ask her out, they would go and talk and it was like no time had ever separated them. It was easy, casual and comfortable and that was a great combination. But nothing else ever came of it though she knew he desired her.

"Yeah we meet and we drink coffee and we talk about our lives and we listen to each others stories hoping that the other will bring up how much they miss the other but no one wants to be that weak. No one wants to admit they miss someone so much their bones ache." another heartfelt sigh escaped her and she ran both hands over her face.

"I am tired. So tired of being left behind." she said softly and stared out the window watching the leaves fly past. Winter was coming and she felt cold within her soul.
Once, just once, she wished someone loved her enough to stay, to fight for her.

Just once.

She Knows

   The cold bite of the wind against her face did not make her walk any faster across the parking lot. Her heart was heavy and light at the same time. She was moving on to a new place, time to start over and put the past behind her once and for all. She smiled at everyone as she left, bubbling over with excitement at the opportunity that was coming but at the same time the sadness lurked.
She felt everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes only the smallest memory or word would shift her into a darkness that seemed to paralyze her.

   Her gaze settled to the truck as it was parked a few spaces down from her car. Her steps slowed and there was the trigger. How could she even care about him after all this time? Not a word had been spoken between them in over a year. It was quite sad but she understood why and she hated it with everything she had inside her. It was silly and she was told she was a foolish, dreamer of a girl so she needed to keep her secret. She knew he did not have a clue that she was hopelessly in love with him and that was ok. It was something she kept within and took with her now as she left.
Left him to his choice.

  She knows he is not hers to have, yet she is still in love with him and the thing that makes her cry at night is the fact that she couldn't help falling for him and if she could she would forget about him but she knows that isn't possible.

    She reached her car, tossed her items inside and slid into the driver seat. Time was supposed to heal but what no one tells you is that the scar left behind from that healing can be more painful than the original wound.

    Her eyes closed she focused on the good that came of it all. She found her groove again with that man. The magic twinkle in his eyes, the desire that crashed them both down to their knees and the taste of wine on his lips were the things she would cherish. She wished him happiness above all else because while she wished he was hers she wanted him to be madly in love. To have those twinkling eyes and crooked smiles for the one that held his heart in thrall and if that was not her, then she wanted him in the arms of the one who could do that for him.

Those thoughts strung together in her mind and of course while a new wound appeared on her heart she ignored the pain, put herself aside for she did not matter at all to him. He made his choice and she could only silently step back and fade away.
It was time to let go of the desire. Let go of the day dreams. Get past that she was not chosen.

Lifting her chin she opened her eyes and started the car with a sigh.

As she drove past that memory she whispered, "I will always love you. Be well my love. Be happy."

She drove out of the lot for the last time and allowed the final tear to roll down her cheek.

No Fear

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

I would walk up to that gorgeous man and tell him I desired him above all others.
That I fell in love with his amused, half smile.
His arrogant stance and lift of his chin when he made some asinine statement.
If I had no fear I would take what I wanted.
I would do as he desired. Take. Claim. Command him to kneel at my feet and worship the Goddess he brought to life.

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

I would walk up behind him and slide my arms around his waist. Pressing my body fully against his as I whisper into his ear what delicious things I would do to him that night.
I would sit on his lap, stare into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him.
How he could make me smile, even on the worst days.
Then I would kiss him until he begged to be inside of me.

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

But....I have fear.....

Terrifying

"You don't get it do you?" Her voice had a brittle edge to it as she turned to face him. Eyes bright with emotion she took a step back. She needed space from him or she would touch him and that would shatter her resolve.

"It's absolutely terrifying to let someone in, let them see the darkest corners of your soul. The reasons why you cry and why they make you so happy." her voice broke on the last word. She shook her head, she would not cry, she would not cry damn it.
Her gaze sharpened and she continued.

"It's absolutely terrifying because they might run away with your secrets and never give them back."

She lifted her chin and kept her gaze on his. She was melting inside with desire for this man as well as fear, for he seemed to have taken her soul away without a fight from her at all.
That is what truly terrified her.
The fact that he could come back into her life and take whatever he wanted and she would give it with a sigh of pleasure.

She took another step back, fear making her spine ram rod straight and she knew in this moment they were at a stalemate.
It was time to leave this place once and for all. To close the door on this dark eyed stranger who took her breath away and could send her to her knees with one soft word.
Yes, throw away the key and then cry her heart out over the loss.

Terribly Real

  
  "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe is why you're in so much pain."

   She stared at him as the words washed over her and she did not know what to say. Her mind raced at why he was standing here, why he was talking to her, and why she even mattered today of all days.
She was leaving, on her way out and ready to start a new chapter of her life and here he was spouting deep thoughts at her.

  "Your pain is evident in your writing little one." he said softly as he stepped closer.
Her heart about stopped at his nearness and she itched to touch him. To feel his skin under her fingertips once again. But she held fast, her green gaze locked to his brown.

"Your pain is evident even now in your gorgeous eyes." He whispered and then his fingertips did slide over her jawline.
She could not breathe. It was as if the desire sucked away every ounce of oxygen in her body and she felt light headed.

"Now you are leaving.....again. Leaving me again." his words were so softly spoken she almost asked him to repeat but instead she said.

"I can never leave you for you are forever in my heart and soul." her words, so softly spoken, visibly hit him.
His movement ceased, his eyes darkened with that desire she always wanted to see again.
then without warning his lips crashed down to hers like a storm.
She was swept away in the tumultuous waves of pleasure.
Her arms snaked around him to find his hair and soon they were pressed to one another as they stood in the cool fall evening.

He broke the kiss, leaning back to stare down into her eyes.

"No more pain. I know we can't start over but let's do things different this time." he said still staring down at her.

"Different so we get a better outcome." her arms still around him she just gazed into his eyes, melting all over.

"So we get the best outcome." he said smiling and tugged her close once again.

She sighed happily, tentatively hoping this could be something grand.

When You Are Near

    They fought earlier. His temper was quick to flare when she touched on the frayed nerves of his control. She wanted to be friends. To be the one he went to when he was troubled or just wanted to hang out. It took a moment to realize this would never happen.
They would never just be friends. The intensity between them made that impossible. Just the thought of him made her breath catch in her throat and her eyes burned with unshed tears.
When she walked away from him, from that terrible exchange of words, she knew it was over. Truly, well done and over.
   The paper in her hand was burning like a brand. It needed to be read, by him and understood. Maybe without a face to face he would hear her, instead of fighting against her. She tucked the paper into the door of his truck and she walked to her car quickly.
She had no idea what her words would do but she had to take a chance.

    He saw the paper and knew right away who it was from. His whole body trembled with a nervous anticipation. The woman knew how to press ever button he had and it drove him mad, in more ways than one. He unrolled it and read the words there.

When you are near it feels like my lungs have too much air in them, like I could never breathe enough.
And whenever you are far my throat closes, like I could never breathe in again.

He stood staring at the words for a moment and realized that his throat had closed. He could not draw in a deep breath and he felt his chest tighten with the deep emotion he carried for this woman. This little slip of a thing that wielded words like daggers and then soothed the wounds with the gentlest of smiles.
He wished things were different. Oh how he wished.
He stood and stared off into the distance not knowing what to do but knowing in his heart that this was the woman he loved more than anything in the world. He just could not bring himself to tell her that. Tell her that he made a mistake. He wanted a rewind button.
But would his situation be any different?
A sigh escaped him and he felt the weight of all of this settled onto his heart.
He was lost.

Jealous

    The air had the cool bite to it when you knew that it was late fall and winter was around the corner. She stood beside her car staring across the parking lot at the small group of people walking towards the building.
He was with those people. Talking. Laughing. Not thinking about her.
She rarely saw him these days and when she did he was always in the company of others.
She could admit it, she was jealous of those people who get to see him, talk to him and be around him every day. He seemed so happy, so at ease with these people and with her he never seemed to be at ease.
That hurt. It made her feel as if she was defective in some way.
    He disappeared into the building and she let out the breath that she had been holding.
She looked at his truck, parking a mere space away from her car, and she decided that since she would never see him again she would leave him a little message.
Walking over to the truck she noted that it was still quite dirty and she shook her head, with a small nostalgic smile on her lips.
With one fingertip she wrote on his driver door.

I'm jealous of the people who get to see you everyday.

It made her sad to have that be her last words to him but he would not talk to her anymore. So she walked away to start a new in another place.

   He watched her leave the parking lot as he walked towards his truck. He always knew when she was around. He felt her within him like a living flame that burned the frayed ends of his control. That woman was his kryptonite and he had to stay away or lose control. He knew he made the worst decision in walking away from her but he had to for....well for what he thought was the right decision.
As he stepped up to the driver door of his truck he saw the delicate words etched in the dust. A small, sad smile touched his lips and he reached out to trace the words with his finger. Just touching what she had just touched made his finger tingle. That little thought of touching what she had touched sent a hot spike of desire through him and he gritted his teeth.
She was his soul. How did one walk away from their soul? When they feared losing their own.

Ghosts in my Heart

    The skies were dark grey with the impending storm. The air was cool and she could not believe that winter was knocking on the door once again. It was depressing to think how fast time was flying by.
Her heels clicked on the pavement as she walked down the street, past all the bustling shops that were filled with lunch time shoppers. Side stepping people and bikes as they hurried to their next destination she felt so alone, so lost within the hustle and bustle of the world.

   Sitting down on a planter bench, under a tree that seemed to be bent on losing its leaves early she sighed softly.
Her heart hurt and it pissed her off that there were still songs, images, smells, tastes and memories that could slice open her heart in an instant. At least she could go a day without thinking about him, about what could have been. She knew she was a fool, a pretty damn big one to love someone that just did not give a shit about you.
She pulled out her journal and pen, flipping open to a new page she let the hurt slide from her soul to the paper. Her way of getting the poison out and somewhere else so it did not fester within.

I need something
I'm beginning to think
that I need anything
Speed in my veins
tar on my lungs
smoke in my throat
blood on my hands
Anything
to get rid of the
ghosts in my heart.

   The pain arched within her and she had to let out a hissing breath. She did not cry anymore, that particular thing had been wrung from her, not a tear was left within her. She felt dry, used up and ready to fly away on a breeze. Great Goddess, that really did piss her off. She felt weak for feeling the way she did. It should go away, this wanting, this desire she had for him. It should have been replaced by something else but it was as if it was impervious to any tactic she had.
Then seeing him, just being within proximity of him, made her heart flutter, her skin tingle and her mind to go completely insane. She felt as if she were the ghost, flittering about hoping he would notice and come rescue her.
She snorted with derision at that thought. She needed to get a grip.
She tucked the journal away, pulled out a clove cigarette and a lighter.
The flame touched the end of the cigarette and that flickering beacon let her know there was some warmth somewhere in the world.
She inhaled and let out a slow cloud of smoke.
There was the tar on her lungs and the smoke in her throat.
The blood was on her heart, not her hands and it danced with the ghosts.