Trying to Understand

It seemed that the more one dreamed of what they wanted the further way that desire inched.
There was a saying that went; if one has no expectations then you will experience no disappointment.
While that saying may save you from heartache how do you participate in life when you just allow things to happen to you instead of going out and making life happen for you?

She sighed and looked up from the notebook where she had written her thoughts.
Coffee sat before her steaming and the noise of the coffee shop came back to her ears.
She had talked to him earlier that day and every time they were around one another they laughed and had such a good time. He soothed her soul. She soothed his. They could take one another out of a bad mood. She pushed him to adventure. He pushed her to slow down.
They were good together
They were just friends.
That part made her heart ache. She wished she knew how he felt but there was no way she could ask him. She feared the answer and decided the fantasy in her head was easier to bear.
But then there was a shift in the way they were with one another. He stopped seeing her after work. He stopped talking personal. He pulled away in a sense and her heart broke.
She pushed. He  fought back. They snapped at one another.
They were on the same wavelength and as they dipped high and low they felt it from each other and within themselves
Then one day she lost her will to fight anymore.
She just loved him. Allowed him to be who he was and love or like her the way he needed to. She knew she was everything complicated and he was not the type of man to readily step into the world she lived in.
Then his view shifted. He wanted to see her again. They talked more. He seemed to be warm and loving once again. She felt that he was reaching some precipice.
But there still was the uncertiany. She had no idea what to do. How to calm the nerves that flitted around in her soul.. He would eventually meet someone, fall in love and then leave.
Should she back off now and save herself?
Should she just stay and ride it out?

Her gaze flicked to a wall in the coffee shop. It was covered in many pieces of paper. It was a release board. A place for people to post their thoughts the old fashioned way. Pen to paper.

She tore off a paper from her journal and began to write what she felt in her heart:

I'm trying to understand this new dynamic between us.
It's not as simple as ' you either want me or you don't'.
I know that.
I hate that.
Keeping you in my life might kill me.
But letting you go will.

She gathered her things and walked to the board. At eye level there was a nice open spot and she pinned the page to the board. She read the words one more time and left the shop.

He stepped out from the hallway that lead to the bookstore and watched her leave.
He saw her put the paper to the wall and he burned to know what she had placed there.
He felt like a stalker but he had to see her. He had to figure out what the hell to do.
The feelings that rushed through him for this woman had him confused. She was so different than anyone else he had ever been with.
The thought of her not being in his life made it hard to breathe. The suffocating feeling was something he did not want to experience again. That one week where he did not talk to her was torture. He was a dumb ass for sure.
He reached the board and read her words.
So many feelings washed over him at once at her words.

"I want you little one. So much. But how in the hell do I navigate all of this. " he said softly and turned to the door where she had left through.

Fuck. what do I do.