You're Not Thinking of Me

It had been a while since she sat with her notebook in her hand letting thoughts flow to the blank pages.
Pen scratching across the page as one tear slid down her cheek then another.
Once she could not see anymore she tossed the pen aside and allowed the sob to escape.
Strength was something she admired and tried to be that rock everyone needed but there were times she crumbled. When she did this, she did it silently and privately.
She ran her hands over her wet eyes and looked out the window.
Snow had been falling all day so the world was a contrast of white against the gray sky.

What a damn fool she was to day dream of someone who would not ever want her as she wanted him.
Oh and did she day dream about him. He sometimes entered her dreams and she enjoyed those romps for they were free from any speculation or scrutiny. He looked at her like a woman, a woman he desired.
Someday he would disappear from her life in the arms of some young and beautiful lass and she would wish him well.
Goddess, the thought hurt but she did want him happy. She cared for him deeply..
But there were times when her heart flipped over to reveal its bleeding side to the light.
She would wince in pain and then curl up to not face the truth.
He did not look at her that way. He saw her as his friend. He would not even truly confide in her.
Just someone he talked with, someone he laughed with, and someone he rarely sat down with alone anymore.

Another soft sob slipped past her lips and fresh tears fell.
She allowed this weakness here, in the closed door of her room.
Catching her breath she wiped the tears away once again and steadied herself.

"Get a grip you silly thing." she muttered.
"He is a young, amazing, wonderful and handsome man and he is not going to cross those boundaries with you regardless of the way your world is. It is not his world and he also..." she sighed " he also does not want some old, chubby thing like you."

She steeled herself. Letting the self loathing wash through her then away.

"Why am I thinking of you when I know you're not thinking of me?"

Her little bleeding heart whispered, "Because you love him silly."