Unspoken Words

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said.

That damn quote! It haunts me. Shows up to remind me what I should do.

How in the world can I say the words to you and come out the other side unscathed?
A deep fear is that my words will trigger you to completely run away from me in all ways.
You don't like feelings.
They are washing over you as they are crashing upon me.
And we laugh our way around them. Glance them away with indifference and jokes.
But at the end of the day when we are tucked in our respective beds, drifting off to sleep, we know what we desire.
To love....each other. Freely.

I am not a fool. I know you love me as I love you.
How do we get past the obstacles? I know of ways but you will not be open to them, which is understandable.
But damn it pisses me off. Why can't we just take a fucking chance?
It might not work out but oh my Goddess, what if it did?
Even for a short time we would have nirvana. Bliss. Heaven.
Realization that we are awesome together.

A soft snort of laughter at herself, hey chick are you taking a chance with those words you so desperately want to say?
No, so then back off.
Hypocrite.
I get it. I really do. Its the bane of my existence.
My ability to step into your shoes and realize the folly of it all.

You are leaving. Very soon.
I feel panic that we will part ways with nothing but a half side hug and a wave goodbye.
I can't do that. I just fucking can't!
I need your arms around me. Your face buried in my hair while my arms are tight around you. I press my cheek to your chest to hear your heart beating wildly.
Like mine is.
Yeah yeah, you don't do mushy but good hell, mushy leads to some really fun stuff damn it.

Please let's not do the slightly friendly goodbye.
Let's say goodbye with the fireworks we have in our souls for one another.
Let's burn it down with passion.
Let's be the bad asses we are.
And together, even one night, we can light the world up!

I Love You, Goodbye

His heart felt as if it were going to die right within his chest and poison him forever.
Leaving her was turning out to be the hardest thing he has ever done.
He wished he could be the one to make her dreams come true but he just was not the right man for the job. This realization struck him hard because this little slip of a woman was his dream.
The situation was just too far fetched and out of his wheel house to even deal with.
He knew with the way things were he could never completely let go and love her as she deserved. The situation would not allow him to relax and let his guard down.
And that would make him hold back, which was not what she deserved.
A soft sigh and he looked out over all the moving boxes in various states of packing.
This was what he wanted right?
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he began packing once again.
A song came on the radio and through his musings the words came to him.
He stopped and began to listen.
'Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do when you love someone as much as I love you.'
He stood and stared down at his phone, needing to see who this was by.
The hairs stood on his arms and he knew this said what he needed to say.
His courage was lacking to tell her how he felt face to face. His biggest fear is that she could change his mind. She would change his mind....and he knew he could not stay.
He pulled up the lyrics on the computer and wrote them down. This is how he could say what he needed to say.
He shook his head with sadness in his heart, downed his beer and went back to packing.

Before he was to leave they sat down to dinner.
Drinking, eating, talking and laughing was what they loved to do.
There she was, smiling up at him with adoration and when she did that it always made him feel warm inside. He loved her smile and sparkling green eyes. Such a gorgeous little thing.
Not only was she beautiful she was the kindest soul he had ever met.
She was real and honest and present. It blew him away.
But even with all of that, he could not stay.
He would hit the road, leaving this place right after they were done.

He had written the lyrics to the song on a pretty card he found.
He told her he loved her. He told her how highly he thought of her. He told her that he was sorry for leaving her but it was for the best.
Then he let the song say the rest.

He  looked in his rear view mirror and saw her sitting in her car reading the card as he drove away.
His heart broke in two as he broke hers at that moment.
Tears streamed down his face as he left for his new life.