Open Your Heart

Close your eyes and open your heart and feel my soul touching you, needing you, wanting you every second of every day, begging you in soft and breathless whispers for your passion and love.

Her gaze lifted from the note she held in her hand and she stared out the kitchen window to see the dawn breaking over the mountains.
Last night, after 3 glasses of wine, she wrote the note with tears rolling down her face. She had every intention to give it to him somehow but now in the growing light of day she realized there was no reason to even try.
He had turned away and now she stood only in dreams, alone, watching him go on with his life without her. Not even a backward glance to see her......ah that was it....he did not want to see her in her pain.
Perhaps he was feeling his own and this was his way of dealing with it.
She raked one hand through her hair and felt her chest tighten as she knew they never got a chance and it hurt.
Sighing softly she crumbled the note and said softly, "I am dead in the water, still looking for you and you can't see."
Turning from the window she tossed the note into the trash and went to stand in a hot shower to wash away the memories of what she did not get to have.

A Moment...

A moment where time stood still.
A love that came through the silence of us.
A dream that tried to stay alive through the darkness.
A laugh to show we were ok.
A kiss that took our souls apart with joy.
A cry that echoed through the night.
What we did right still haunts our dreams.
What we did wrong keeps us up at night.

Girly Parts

Dark eyes filled with desire.
The taste of your skin upon my tongue.
The feel of your hair in between my fingers.
Small explosions ripple deep within as I remember the moment we were one.
Ecstasy.
My breath comes short and I feel the butterflies in my stomach.
Goodness how you affect me and I have not touched you in so long.
Silly girl standing there with your girly parts tingling....
   what would he say if he knew?

I Want You so Bad

I want you so bad.
My dreams are filled with scenarios with you.
When I see you my heart begins to pound, my limbs tremble and I cannot tear my eyes away.
My eyes.....they make love to you as you walk by.
I cannot help it.
In my mind I trace the line of your jaw with my fingertip and then press my lips to yours to drink deeply of the nectar that is you.
In my mind my tongue is tracing the contour of your chest as you squirm beneath me, your breath coming faster as I work my way down.
In my mind, I feel you and I become one in ecstasy.
All of that in my mind, in one fleeting moment when I see you from afar.
I am a fool to want you so bad....when it seems  you do not want me anymore.

When I Needed You

It's not about who hurt you and broke you down,
it's about who was always there to make you smile.

She smiled as she wrote the words down on the napkin.
It is amazing how words will pop out of nowhere when you need them the most and today it was a simple framed piece of paper hanging on the wall of the cafe.
These words made her realize that even though he was not there with her all the time, when she needed him the most he was there.
Making her laugh. Making her smile. Making her think.
A blush rose on her cheeks. Yes he did make her think.
And her thoughts were spinning in all directions and more than just her cheeks were warming now.

A shake to her head and the napkin was tucked into her purse.
She needed to remain cool, calm and collected. Do not jump to conclusions like you always do.
Silly thing.
There were times when he was gone from her life but when she needed him, when she reached out to him in need he was there. That warmed her soul.

Sitting behind the wheel of her car she stared down at the napkin and the words she had scribbled down.
He knew what she felt for him but yet he was here, being her friend as she wished.
As he wished.

It was good. Very good.

She started the car and drove off to her next adventure.

Explosions

It is interesting when one hears a song for the first time and the lyrics are incredible. They take you to a place where your memories and your wishes collide. Where heartache comes into play and healing begins.

Ghosts that came in the night and drove me away. I wished that I could have given you what you needed. But I seemed to be the thing that made you tremble and then you hid from me.
That was something I never wanted to happen. I only wished for simplicity.
But we were not simple and I knew that.
We were off the hook. Fast and wild.
It could have been incredible.

It will never be the same but that is ok.
Perhaps another time we will cross paths and our souls are able to stand in calm silence in one another’s presence.
Perhaps we will give it a chance.
Perhaps you will know in time, I really did care.

Adieu my dear one.

“Explosions” Ellie Goulding

You trembled like you'd seen a ghost
And I gave in
I lack the things you need the most, you said where have you been
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide
I wonder why
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into
But you never tried
I've fallen from grace
Took a blow to my face
I've loved and I've lost
I've loved and I've lost

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same
It will never be the same

You left my soul bleeding in the dark
So you could be king
The rules you set are still untold to me and I lost my faith in everything
The nights you could cope, your intentions were gold
But the mountains will shake
I need to know I can still make

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

And as the floods move in
And your body starts to sink
I was the last thing on your mind
I know you better than you think
Cause it's simple darling, I gave you a warning
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces
So watch them fall with you, in slow motion
I pray that you will find peace of mind
And I'll find you another time
I'll love you, another time

Explosions...on the day you wake up
Needing somebody and you've learned
It's okay to be afraid
But it will never be the same

I Wonder

I wonder what it would be like to kiss you.
To gently press my lips to yours in the cool night.
To caress your jaw with my fingertips as our lips ignite the fires of passion.

I wonder what it would be like to taste you deeply.
To trail my tongue along your lips and swipe within your mouth.
To feel you shiver in desire against me.

I wonder what it would be like to slide my hands over your skin.
To feel your muscles bunch and jump under my caress.
To know that you want to touch me as well.

I wonder what it would be like to make love to you.
To be filled all the way with your presence inside and out.
To be overwhelmed by the joy of release of us both.

I wonder.......

Terrified

If you only knew how terrified I am to let you know how much it hurt to walk away.
I have to duck my head.
Not look at you for I know it will never be the same.
That tears me apart for I wished for more.
More than either of us could give at that time.

You make me tremble when you are near.
I am afraid.....I am afraid of the word forever.....
      

            because in this case it means.....

                    I will never have you in my arms again.

Carnage



We human beings have too many judgmental bones in our bodies. We are ready to take someone down for our own pleasure.
We turn from those we truly care for as we are filled with fear.
We think we want and then we don’t.
We never put ourselves out there to just enjoy what is there in the moment.

We are unmanageable animals that wear our passions on our sleeves and roll over people whom we care for without a second glance to the carnage left behind.
We stumble around in the dark slamming into one another without just opening our eyes to see what has been in front of us the whole time.

We will continue to roam with our eyes closed until we learn compassion.
We will keep missing out on the opportunities that would allow us to learn and grow into bright, enlightened beings.

Pain will always be our brother.
Love will always be a distant wish.
Compassion will sit on the side of the dusty trail waiting to be used.
Hatred will bubble up like a festering wound and poison us all.

Look back when you run.
See what you have done.
Pause.
Grieve.
Apologize.
Love.

Invincible

Broken into pieces, that is what she feels like. Shattered and tossed to the wind with no care where she lands.
They have hurt her. They have walked away. They were selfish.
She was the common link. She was what they ran so hard and fast from.
She was damaged.
She was not worth the effort.
She truly was nothing.

She always plastered the smile on her face for the last thing she ever wished to do was take someone else down from their happiness. She would not be the one to make another sad, especially those she loved.
So she worked hard, loved hard, ignored what she needed and forgave those who hurt her.
She understood. She truly did.
She was called strong. Tough. Invincible.
She would be any one's rock. Their soft place to land. To see pain in some one's eyes sent her empathy soaring to heights that she had to soothe them. She knew their pain as if it was her own.
Then their pain lessened and was gone. Then they were gone.
Everyone leaves for something better.
But did they understand what they did hurt her?
She did not think so. Selfish people.
She just wished for one of her dreams to come true.
A rose out of no where. A kind word. A hug. Something that was just for her because they had thought of her while she suffered.
An apology. A kiss.

But all she sees is betrayal. All she hears is silence.

Broken.
Shattered.
No one notices.
The invincible girl has been conveniently forgotten.

Are You Happy Now?

She left the note on the counter with not one tear falling.
She was proud of that for she had cried so much she felt dry and dead inside.
As she tossed her bag into the car she stared at the house she had spent so many happy years in.

"So tell me are you happy now?" she said softly as she looked at the house in the dawning light of the new day of the first day of her new life.
"Are you happy that your dreams are a reality at the cost of so many others?"
"Are you happy that your lies and betrayal for your own selfish needs tore apart what you said you held dear?"
She whispered these words for the last time for they would not cross her lips again.
She may be broken right now but she is strong. She is a warrior and she will move on in her life.
It was time for her to find what she wanted for once. To live for herself and not be swayed by others to do what they desired.

She backed out of the driveway and without a glance back drove off into the rising sun.

Slowly Giving Up

Worthless.
Forgettable.
Ugly.
Invisible.

She wrote the words down on the napkin over and over. In cursive. In print. In block letters. In tiny letters. Backwards. Sideways. Upside down.
No matter how they were laid out they said one thing.
She was nothing.

Bleak green eyes lifted to watch the world fly by.
She had stepped off the roller coaster at the top.
She was going to just slide off the rails.

She was slowly giving up and that terrified her.
Where was her will to fight?
Where was her desire to just enjoy whatever came her way?
When did things go wrong.

Goodness, they had always been wrong.
She had just ignored it.
She was good at ignoring.
She did not know that till now when she could not ignore the pain any longer.

Worthless.
Forgettable.
Ugly.
Invisible.

She wrote on the other side of the white napkin in small print.

Falling to Pieces

She stood at the back of the crowded room not hearing the speech going on by the best man, not hearing the laughter and merriment going on around her, she just heard the voice in her head telling her it was over. Well and truly done.
She felt her heart clench in pain as she knew that her life was one big joke. She would never have what she dreamed for. It was a cruelty to watch people to start to live their dreams all around her.
Heart pounding she felt a sharp pain slice through her chest and she gasped.
One hand fluttered to her neck and her green gaze shot up to where her friend was sitting, grinning from ear to ear as he sat with his new wife.
Sweat broke out on her brow and she felt as if she could not breath. People were too close. It was too hot. Her heart pounded harder and she gasped feeling cold and hot at the same time.
She was dying. She knew it.
Fear lanced through her and with one last look at her smiling friend she fled out the back doors into the night.
Cool air washed over her sweat soaked skin and a hard chill raced through her body.
She could not stop trembling and she felt sick to her stomach. Fear was her friend tonight.
She felt that she was worthless. She was nothing but a door stop, holding the door open to happiness for all those around her but when it was her turn the door was slammed in her face.
She was truly happy for her friend. Love was a magical thing and if you can find it, then hang on to it and she knew he would be happy.
But what about her?
What about her!
She sank down into a white plastic chair in the dark garden of the reception hall and she began to cry.
She needed to be gone.
Away.
Disappear.
She was falling to pieces and people were noticing.
Time to go.