Dear World....

The wind whipped around her cold and harsh. Her cheeks burned with the cold and her gaze was drawn to the rocks down below. The river still raged as it did all those years ago. It seemed to be deeper and darker than before. Almost alive with sorrow and pain as she was.
The bridge swayed in the gusts and she wondered if that bridge was as weaker from all the battles it has fought against the wind
She knew she was weaker in all ways.
The bridge was her way out. Her only way out.

The world had not been kind to her.
Anyone looking at her life from the outside would see it as wonderful and filled with love.
She did not see that. She saw a dark stark landscape where she waited, sitting on her rock, until someone needed her.
Only then would she venture into the light. Once there she could bask a moment in the glory and joy of being seen.
That moment would then be gone and she would then wander back to her lonely rock, in the meadow to sit and wait for another call.
She could not do it anymore. Not again.
No unicorn would rescue her this time. No wolf would come to guide her home.
It was time to just be done. Time to let the wind and the water have her.

She lifted the paper in her hand, the words blurred before her as tears filled her eyes, it was fitting to leave this way.
The paper was let go to soar over the river gorge and she stepped to the swaying, frayed bridge.
Time to go.

The paper was whipped around and around until it disappeared over the tree line.

It settled to a road and laid there with its words face up for any to read.

Dear world,
when a girl is quiet, you already know that's dangerous. The things that constantly torture this girl keep repeating. And she has tried to please the people surrounding her, but now she's tired. Give her a break. The ones around her make her feel ugly, like an idiot or never good enough. The people around her never appreciate the things she does for them. This girl is dying inside. She's tired physically, emotionally and mentally. She's only just surviving, but sadly she's not living. Help her out, please Just one make her truly smile. And even just once call her beautiful.
Signed, The Lost Girl

Can't Have....

Her eyes caught his as he walked past her and she smiled but ducked her head and eyes away.
He could not see what she knew was shining in her own eyes. Desire. Adoration.
That would not do. She would look the fool.
She is a fool.
A foolish thing that keeps reaching for the stars to only get burned.

She sat down and stared at her computer and a quite came to mind:

Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything.
Raises the standards, makes you laugh and makes you feel like you.
There is something about him that you can't put into words and even though you're not with him, you don't want to let him go.

But she has to let him go.
She needs to step back and not care what he does or who he talks to.
She needs to stop the day dreams of him and her together having the time of their lives.
She needs to stop reaching for those stars because this star is beyond her reach.
If she keeps reaching she will fall into the black abyss of pain as she has in the past.
That will not do for it would break her completely.
Her heart is just too damaged to survive another back turning on her.

For now smile for everyone. Act as if you are fine.
Smile for him. Support him in his life, his loves and his endeavors.

Hide the pain. It will pass.

Eventually.

Here and Now

Snowflakes fell silently toward her like a white swirling tunnel. She could only hear the radio as she was trying to drown out her pounding heart.
Today she had to say what she felt.
Today she would walk up to him and just say she adored him and wanted to be more than friends.
Good Goddess. Just the thought of that made her heart thump hard in her chest.
What if he rejected her? What if he said he did not like her more than a friend?
Fear made her stomach lurch but she knew she had to know.
Or lose him.

She pulled into her parking spot and her heart did a somersault in her chest. He was standing there waiting for her in the garage.
What was this for? Oh my Oh my. Her mind whirled with the possibilities.
She watched him walk to her door and smiled as she got out.

"Good Morning." he said cheerfully but she could sense the nervousness beneath his words.

"Morning." her voice trembled and she cursed inwardly.

His eyes darkened with concern and he stepped closer, his hand coming to catch one of hers. The contact was a shocker for he never touched her and her eyes flew to his. Those gorgeous gray eyes were filled with worry and desire. Her mind had a hard time processing this so she ran her thumb absently over his and he glanced down. A small smile touched his lips then his gaze came back up to meet hers.

"I am done being just friends. I want more." he said softly, his gaze never leaving hers.
"I was worried to do this until this...." his thumb slid slowly over hers and shivers washed over her body.

"Oh....well...it did?" she stammered and glanced down to his big hand encompassing hers. She wanted to throw her arms around him but she fretted that this would all be a dream.
"I actually was going to say the same thing to you today." Her gaze lifted back to his.
"I want you....all of you....I want to be with you. I know there is a lot to work out. Schedules. And I am sure there is the fact...." his free hand came up and one finger touched her lips.
She fell silent her eyes wide staring up into his.

"Just kiss me, we can talk later." he said and his lips replaced his finger.

Heat flooded her body and a giant screaming YES resounded in her mind.
She wrapped her arms around him, pressing her body to his and deepened the kiss.

Score! Win!

Wine

I stared at her across the table and I realized I was losing the battle.
There was no way to not love her To not desire her. To not want to be inside her.
There was a time I tried to just step back but seeing her breeze past, smile in those gorgeous green eyes made everything inside me tighten with desire.

The waitress set the glass of pink looking wine before her and then set his whiskey before him.
I could not take my eyes from her as she took a sip of the wine.
Those green eye sparkled with mischief and one brow rose.

"Taste?" She said softly.

She offered me a sip of her wine and I made sure to put my lips in the same spot her lips had been because I knew I'd much rather drink her instead.

The white zinfandel tasted sweet but I knew she would taste sweeter.
It was time to just take what she was offering.
I slipped into the seat beside her and she watched me with desire of her own.
This spurred me on and I leaned forward, placing my lips on hers softly.
The kiss deepened and I tasted the wine she had drank a moment ago and the sweetness that was just her.
The wine was forgotten as they drifted into the fantasy they wanted to star in.

The Truth?

 She grinned as she walked beside him after lunch, shaking her head at his silly comment and she realized that he always had the way to make her smile. No day could be bad when he was around. Warmth spread through her small form at the thought of his smile, his gorgeous eyes that seemed to always twinkle with some inner laughter and that smile that made her melt.

  Her mind kept wandering to their time earlier that day when they had lunch.She wished there was some kind of chance with him but she did not think he would be interested in her. Hell her circumstances made things for her a little more interesting so dating for her was a problem. Then there was the fact she was so much older than he was. She was just happy he wanted to spend time with her. But of course she wished for more.
A soft sigh escaped her and she stared out the window wishing.
Her phone alerted her to a text and she glanced down. Her heart gave a big thump then took off racing It was from him.
*Hey, want to come over tomorrow and check out the car? I want to show you the engine before I start tearing it apart.*
Heart slamming into her ribs she picked up her phone. This was so new between them. He had kept a respectable distance between them at all times, even going as far as walking 6 feet away from her. She had the distinct impression that he kept this distance to let her know they were friends and nothing else.
Pausing in her thoughts she realized just cause he asked her to come over does not mean he was interested that way. He knew that she enjoyed working on cars and knew that engine he had in the car well.
"Calm down girl. Be cool." she whispered as she texted back.
*Sounds good. After work then?*
*Yep that will work. Just text me when you are leaving and I will call you. we can talk while you drive.*
*Ok. See you tomorrow*

Her hands trembled as she set her phone down. What would she wear?

The day dawned and work crawled by. Soon she was in the car talking to him as he guided her to his place. She was so happy they decided to talk before she got there. It relaxed her to chat about the mundane things of the day.

When she pulled into his driveway he was standing out in front smiling. Her knees felt weak as she looked at him. So damn handsome and sexy.

After a tour of his house they soon found themselves standing in the shop and she was peering down into the engine compartment of the car. She chattered on and on about what she was looking at, some of it nervous chatter but most of it was because she loved working on cars. She leaned a little far forward and her feet slipped out from under her. She teetered there on the fender of the car trying not to grab anything that would tear on the engine when she felt strong hands grab her around the waist.
Soon she was pulled up against his tall, strong form and she leaned back against him laughing.

"Whoops." She grinned as she looked up at him
He grinned down at her but did not release her at all but did the opposite. He pulled her closer and her knees felt weaker by the moment for his beautiful gray eyes had changed from mischievous to something she wanted to label desire.

"Tell me the truth how you feel about me little one." He said softly his eyes pinned to hers.

Her body went still as she stared into those eyes that had captured her soul. She decided it was time to just say what was on her mind. She turned in his arms and pressed her small form against his as she never broke eye contact.

"The truth? I like you. A lot. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You're smart You're different. You;re a little crazy and awkward and your smile alone can make my day." She said breathlessly.

"Ditto." he said softly then his lips captured hers in a gentle kiss.

Her whole body went into shivers of desire and her arms slid up around his neck so she could press herself tighter against him.
The desire that flooded her when she heart his soft little moan at her movement set her heart to pounding.
His strong arms lifted her up to sit on the fender of the car and his hands tugged her hips to press to his.
Now it was her turn to let a small moan slip from her throat as she felt his arousal press to the juncture of her thighs. She felt her panties get wetter at the contact and she unconsciously rubbed against him.

He tore his lips from hers, hands lifting to cup her cheeks and he stared into her eyes. His gray eyes were filled with lust.

"I want you. All of you. Now." he growled.

"Yes..now." she grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged it upward. he laughed and pulled it off tossing it aside.

"Yes...." his hands tugged at her own shirt and as their clothes began to disappear she felt her heart grow wings and soar away on the love that was born that night.

I Need Something

   Again she stares at the screen and lets the tears roll down her face. It always seems to end up this way and she wonders for the millionth time; what is so wrong with her that she cannot be wanted and loved.
  Again she felt as if she needed to slide into her armor and protect herself from those who just do not care. Her smile was her armor. Her happy demeanor was her sword. Acting as if she did not have a care in the world was her shield. Around and around she danced away from the feelings of unworthiness and abandonment.
 Again she felt left behind and not good enough.

    She shook her head and turned to watch the snow falling silently outside. She felt cold. She was turning numb. How to stop this. How to not go downward into this spiral of despair again.

She began to write.

I need something.
I'm beginning to think that I need anything.
Speed in my veins.
Tar on my lungs.
Smoke in my throat.
Blood on my hands.
Anything.....
to get rid of the ghosts in my heart.