Lack of Inbetween

She sighed softly as she stared out the window at the wind pulling the fall leaves from the trees. She watched their spiraling path down to the grass that still remained green. The yellow of the leaves against the grass was startling. Both so vibrant but at the end of their lifespan as winter approached.
Normally she felt joy at the change in season but this time, her heart was not in it. Her soul seemed muted and quiet. She had troubles on the mind. Troubles she created herself and now had to unravel.

Many times in the past when she was faced with this sort of thing. She would tug and chew on the problem till it became a maelstrom in her head.
Her heart would race, dire predictions of losing and pain would spin around till she could not sleep or eat.
Today, she sat numb. A flit of worry here and there would come but mostly, there was nothing.
She was tired. Emotionally tired of wanting something so much that would not ever be.
The signs were there and she had to understand the situation.
Knowing the truth in her mind but getting her heart to understand was an entirely different matter.
She was working on it though. She had it in hand.
Never would she inflict herself on anyone in a manner they did not wish for and that was her down fall.
Her bruised little heart with its wants, fits of desire and painful squeezes of disappointment.

She knew things about herself. Things she used to be not proud of but as she came to understand herself better she knew her intentions were always good. Always out of caring and love.
She knew this about herself:
She loves deep and fast. With all of herself, or not one bit.
She'll give people all of her light, in turn struggle to understand when they don't pay that back.
She wants you to think she can't be hurt, but truth is, she gets hurt easier than most.
She is fierceness and tenderness within the same breath.
This is her beauty.
In her total lack of in between.

She knew she was doing alright. She know all would be alight. There were just moments where she needed to sit and stare out the window lost in daydreams of what could be.
No harm in that was there?
She kept her thoughts to herself. Stood in front of the world with her happy smile plastered on her face cause never would she worry those who cared for her.
That would hurt her even more. To know she put pain on someone she loved.
She would handle it inside. The heart would learn what the mind knew. They would fight for a little while longer, then the battle would be over.
Scarred and beaten down, her little heart would go back to it's place in her chest and continue to beat.
It would continue to love and admire those around her for that is what she was built to do.
Others hard it harder than her. Compassion was her soul.

She sighed again as a brisk breeze tugged more yellow leaves to fall to the grass.
Her heart thumped hard against her chest in a bit of pain. She pushed it down and watched the remaining leaves on the tree hang on.