Complicated

He dragged his hand through his hair and sighed softly.
He knew he had been an asshole for weeks but all of his shit was weighing heavily on him.
When she told him she was tired of being shit on he knew he was part of this even though she never said it was his attitude lately,

The sun was setting and he knew she wanted him to come see her but damn it all. It was so hard to sit there watching those gorgeous green eyes sparkle at him with joy, listen to her sweet chatter and want her so badly it made his jaw ache from clenching it so tight.

Her eyes were the mirror to all of what she was feeling. He knew her so well now and he could hear in her voice the sweetness, the weariness, the pain. When he looked at her he knew she was hiding all the pain he inflicted on her but it shimmered in those green depths.
But she never berated him. Never called him to task, Always was there holding out her hands to help him through whatever shit he was putting himself through at the moment.

There was one drunken evening at dinner when he just laid his head on the back of the booth where they sat and stared into those mesmerizing eyes. She met my gaze and I was dumbfounded for I knew what I saw there and it scared me to the core but then it also brought me joy. That little thing loved me and I loved her but it was the most complicated, tangled mess he had ever ran across.

She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I'd ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string and all I wanted of life was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots.
I wanted to unravel all her secrets and soothe all her worries.
I wanted to whisper in her ear at night how much I adored her. How much I loved her.

But I left instead.
Now I cannot see her green eyes.  I do not hear her voice. I only see her typed words on a screen and I miss her.
Terribly.
Nothing can be done of it so it is what it is. I move on with half my heart left behind in the silky hands of my soul.

Missing You But Does it Matter

I want to say I miss you. But it won't change anything so I'll just keep on pretending I don't.

I know I have said it but its time for me to stop.
Tme for me to stop lifting you up, telling you how amazing you are, how much I miss you and how I have your back.

I get tired of the silences after.
Never hearing back that you miss me too.
That you have my back.
That you wish you could see me or hug me or even think of me once in a while.

I feel like a foolish little girl in love with the movie star who tolerates her adoration cause its cute.

I am so scared to say what I feel for I may run you away.
You may see me as a problem after that.
I wrecked your castle where you dwell with your demons.
Did you know I was a demon slayer? I have the skills.
But you don't want me there.
You don't want me in your dreams, your mind........
               
                                 your heart.

I do cry at times but then I gather myself together for I am strong and I know that it is what it is.
Where I am at is where I am at.
I am not tall. Nor hot. Nor thin. Nor anything that you may like.
I feel tolerated
I feel abandoned.

Then I pick myself up off the pity floor and gather myself up.

I am beautiful. Kind. Intelligent. And hot. I know it.
I know you know it too.
I know you love me inside your heart.
I know I fight dragons with you in your dreams.
We build houses out of logs that face the Tetons where we drink whiskey and coffee on the porch.

Its just nice to hear from time to time that I matter.
That my green eyes make you weak.
That you want to wrap your hands in my hair.

I am missing you and it is getting harder to hold on.
It is getting harder to withstand the pain.

That Delicate Balance

Her eyes close to remember him standing over her. Tall, strong with hands rough from work. That slightly rough feeling sliding over her skin always drove her crazy.
Those twinkling blue eyes that watched her every move. He kept his distance till he could no longer bear it.
Holding the door open for her to walk past him and then the feel of his hand sliding over her ass.
She would grin back over her shoulder at him, letting her eyes tell him that he would get what he desired and more later.
The hot gleam in his eyes always got her squirming with anticipation.

It's's that delicate balance she craves. A sweet heart that beats inside a man who'll force her against walls and doors and likes the feel of her hair wrapping his hand.
Then the feel of his hand landing smartly against her bare ass and then the soft kiss to the heated skin afterwards.
The care in which he holds her tight to him when he has missed her will always show her he has a sweet heart in his chest with a dominant mans mind.
She adores him, every side and she will tend to her man as he desires for he will then place her on the pedestal to love as his queen.

its a delicate balance that is craved.

Not Like This

This place that I am in does not bode well for my girlish mind.
I find myself slipping into darkness so easily with one misunderstood sentence.
The days where I wonder where I stand in your life.
Then you say or do something that fans the little spark of hope in my heart that I do have a at least a sliver of your affection.

I will admit that I am tired of working around the moods and being ignored.
I stand in my walled off friend space you have placed me in and I wonder if I will ever leave this place.
Desolate at times it brings me to my knees in frustration.
For I want to be in your arms. I want to make you smile. I want to whisper I love you while I make love to you.
I want you to know you are loved, cared for, and wanted beyond all measure.
Is it so hard to even tell me you like my hair, my eyes or tell me how happy I make you?

I find myself in confusion and I've come to understand and believe that we've all felt it at some point or another that place where you just get tired. Tired of trying Tired of fighting just to stay in the same place. But you keep fighting because of that little voice that refuses to be silent that says; it doesn't end like this.

It can't end like this.

For the love of all that is holy, it can't end like this with me standing in my walled off prison while you ride away.