What I Was Gonna Say

Writing it all down.
What I was gonna say.
Because I cannot say it out loud. No.
That would not be wise for no one seems to be able to handle it.

You can't be alone with me.
I feel like a loser.
What did I do so wrong?
Was my awkward little hug that bad?
Or was it too close to home?
Did your heart almost beat out of your chest?
Wouldn't that be wild?
You wanting me.

I can't say; hey I love you!
I can be whatever you want me to be cause I want to be in your life.
I want to be with you however you want me to be.
I can stay behind the line.
I can be your friend that still loves you.
You don't have to stand next to me. Close to me. Hug me. Touch me.
Just care for me.
Worry about me.
If you heard all that what would you do?
Back away slowly or take me in your arms and kiss me senseless?

No. Can't say all that. I would lose you forever.

And I feel like a fool. A foolish little girl who got too attached.

Just a friend. That is what I am to you.
That friend who will always care and stay behind the line.
That friend who will always be happy for you when you make strides in your life.
That friend who cares more for your happiness than her own cause this friend loves you. Always will.
Of course, I am the friend who will keep this all under wraps.
Hidden in the heart and love you only as you wish.

Is that ok?

What I was gonna say......never mind......

Too Attached

I got way too attached to you.

Talking to you every day. Seeing your smile. Watching those blue eyes light up with laughter.
Having our inside jokes.
All of it built within me to a place where I could not help but fall for you.
When I told you my secret and you did not walk away I felt hope.
When you pulled back once but then was again at my doorstep the hope turned into happiness.

Now I worry my happiness is about to be shattered by the reality of how  you feel.

I know I am not what you want.
I wish I was, Goddess, I do.
But I know I am nothing special.
You need special because you are so very special.
I am aching for I know this will all fade backwards into something that barely resembles what we have had.
You will do this to protect yourself.
To protect me for I know you care. But not like I do for you.
For a moment I might think you love me too.
You can't step into this unique situation and not have your dreams come true.
If that was the case, then I would understand.

But my bruised and battered heart has a hard time thinking anything good.

I am used to being ignored, walked away from and just never being good enough.

I will get better.

I will still be there for you.
I will still be your friend.

The Worst Part

I worried over you.
I wanted you to be safe and happy.
You were always on my mind but I never told you that.
Oh no, that would not be a good thing.
I would see the sideways glance from you of worry cause you did not want me the way I wanted you.
I was a friend. Just a friend and no more.
I could not help to fall for you.
Do you really blame me? Do you?

I would have stayed at your side as your friend but  you began putting those walls up.
I felt as if I had done some wrong to now not be able to just talk to you as we did before.
Now the boundaries are there.
My mind goes back to the silliness that I displayed.
I remember trying to just tell you how I felt with out being too obvious.
I just wanted to tell you that I cared. You were important to me.
I think I broke the connection for it may be that you do not care for me the same.

So I close my eyes and go to the dream world where we are together, having fun and laughing.
Then I realize I am dreaming over something that is so far fetched.
Why would you even want me? I am not even in your league. I am so far beneath you that I cannot see the moon through the sun.

I sit and ponder how to keep our friendship alive with out my heart breaking.
I ponder how we could just be there and I could just accept whatever you present.

And the worst part of it all is that I'm wasting all my time pondering over you
when I know your thoughts never ponder over me.

You Are Not Mine

You are not mine, but sometimes I pretend that you wish you were.
I create this idea that you secretly want me and I often forget it's just something I've made up.
You do not want me and you do not want me and you are not mine.

Now I step back into the shadows. Being that sideline person in your life that really does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

I wanted to be your friend but somewhere I went wrong.
I crossed some invisible line that had you backing away from me.
Maybe all those fantasies I had in my head of you and I showed a little too much in my eyes when we were together.
Maybe you felt the bond growing closer and it was not for you.

Now I cannot go to those dream places for my heart cannot stand the pain.

I will just wander in the shadows.

I Drank her Silence

The moment she came into view his heart stuttered and he had to pause.
Blues watched her saunter up to him across the parking lot. That little slip of a woman did not simply walk, she sauntered, skipped, danced or swayed to whatever happy melody was in her head at the moment.
She sparkled and sparked as she moved. Heads turned to watch this beautiful creature pick him to come to.
When she was standing before him, so small not even reaching his chin, he felt his heart break open and he let his breath go.
It was time to stop the dream. Time to live it instead.
Before he could even move her happy grin lit up her face and she wrapped her arms around his middle. Pressing her head to his chest she molded her body against his.
God, she felt amazing and he wrapped his arms around her tight.
His cheek laid to the top of her head and they stood there, locked in each others arms for a few moments. Neither one of them wanted to let go. He knew this. She did as well and that made him happy.
It was time.
He pulled back a little then lifted his hands to cup her cheeks .
His heart pounding in his chest he began to speak.

"I want to tell you something." he said and she nodded, green eyes staring into his bright and filled with anticipation.

His thumbs slid over her skin and the need to taste her took over. His lips captured hers in a deep kiss. He felt her respond to him and he groaned as her tongue touched his.
She was delicious like he thought she would be and he underestimated his response to her.
He felt like he was falling into an abyss of desire. He could not lose control now. No. He needed to tell her how he felt, it had to be said.

Pulling back he stared into her eyes once again.

"I love you little one. Love you so much and I want to give this a shot. I have no clue what to do, where to start but right now.....let's do this...together." he said in a rush.

Her small hands slid up his chest and her body pressed to his.
Green eyes said sentences...no not just sentences, they were paragraphs of how she felt.
Tears glistened at the corner of her eyes and she was smiling. A happy, bright, loving smile but she said nothing. She did not have to.

I drank her silence like liquor and it destroyed me the same, but I fell for all of her, hopelessly and endlessly.
My soul will always be lifted when she walks into the room and my blood will always dance when her breath passes through me.

Meeting Her

He just sat there and shook his head at her antics.
Every day that little slip of a woman made him laugh and smile.
Often he would go back to when they first met.
He could not ever forget how shivers washed over his soul when those beautiful green eyes stared into his own.
Now he could not get enough of staring into their depths.
He felt he could mine for the answers to the mysteries that she presented if he looked deeply enough.
But all he found was his soul staring back at him.
That took him a moment to puzzle out. He was not used to needing to be around someone this much.
He tried to avoid her at first. Never be alone with her too much.
Not after when they met he felt the connection.
This invisible thread that tied them together.
Dreams were filled with her slaying the dragons of the world with him or strolling along the beach at sunset.

He had realized within minutes of meeting her that she was rare; he had known within hours that she was everything he wanted.

This little one was priceless to him and he knew he had to take a chance.
It was time to make the dreams in his mind a reality.

Damn the consequences.