That Place Between Sleep and Awake

Wasn't Disneyland supposed to be Magic Kingdom? Where was the magic in her life? All these laughing happy people swirling around her as she stood staring down Main Street, USA.
Music tinkled around her, children squealed with delight as Goofy walked out of a shop ready for his close up.
She did not feel the magic. She felt bereft, alone, and sad.
But she came here to feel better and to erase what had gone before.
Magic existed and knowingly it was within her, but she had no idea how to melt the ice around her heart to feel again.
When she walked away from that place where she left her heart she thought he would scoop it up and come running to her. She really thought he needed time to think things through, to see she really was gone and it was his fault.

She inhaled deeply, smelling popcorn and flowers, and she stepped into the flow of traffic on Main Street. She would find her magic.

After a few rides and one Dole Whip she stood inside a shop that was filled with treasures to bring home. She had always been a sucker for souvenirs.
Her smile was in place, the Matterhorn always made her smile, that ride was always her favorite as a kid.
Then her heart stopped as she saw a plaque leaning against the wall on a small shelf.
Peter Pan stood there and his words rang through her heart.

You know that place between asleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I will always love you, that's where I'll be waiting.

Those words slammed into her like a hammer and she felt the tears well up in her eyes.
That was exactly it and so she typed those words into her phone and sent the text to him before she could even think of the consequences of her actions.

Taking the plaque from the shelf she took it to the counter where it became hers.
Safely in a bag she stepped back out into the throng of people and her phone buzzed.

Heart hammering she looked down to see he had answered.

Where are you? I will meet you in that place so you don't have to wait alone.

A smile crept onto her lips and she pressed call on her phone.

"Where are you?" he said as he answered.

"Disneyland." she said

"LA?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm here for a week...." he cut her off with rushed words.

"I will be there in the morning. Come get me at the airport?"

She knew she looked like a fool standing there in middle of the happiest place on earth with tears sliding down her face but damn it, they were happy tears.

"You want to come here?" her words were almost a whisper

"Yes, I want to be there with you in the Happiest Place on Earth and you can show me around. I have never been. Teach me my love, show me how to live....to love..." he said earnestly.

Her smile was amazing and she said, "I will pick you up....text me the information."

"Ok...I am not going to tell you how I feel just yet...I want to do it there....under the fireworks. See you tomorrow."

"Bye..." she whispered and then stared at her phone in awe.

"He's coming...here....." she said softly to no one as tears still ran down her face.

Suddenly a little girl walked up to her smiling, holding a large white balloon with another balloon in the shape of Mickey inside. The balloon glowed red from a light inside and then she realized it was evening, the balloons were everywhere.

"This is for you......you were crying, this will make the tears stop." she said holding out the balloon.

"Oh...my....um...thank you....but the tears weren't sad they are happy...you see my boyfriend is coming here to see me." she smiled

The little girl's mother then stepped up and took the balloon, pressing it into her hand.

"All the more to take this balloon, red for the color of love." she smiled and took the little girls hand to walk away.

"Thank you.....so much." she said as she watched them walk away.

Her gaze went to the glowing red balloon and she grinned.

Dreams do come true after all.

Close My Eyes Tight

No, I had not heard from him.
She was asked that today. It was a strange question to come from the person who uttered it.
Mostly she figured that part of her life was left behind, especially by those who had to endure her breakdown of heart and soul.
Though when the question was asked she wondered why it was asked.
Had something been said? Was there conversation?
Here she went again spinning things into something from nothing. Making a big deal where there was nothing being made at all.
He knew where she was and could contact her if he desired.
Did she desire it?
Her little heart nodded in her chest.

Looking back was not something she could do anymore. She could not face being the one left behind. It touched things in her she wished to stay hidden.

So she said the only thing she could when she was asked if she was ok after time had passed.

"There are days where all I wish is that I could crawl into a cocoon, close my eyes tight and after the wind is done trying it's very best to knock me down from my branch, crawl back out as something so much more than I ever was before." She knew her eyes still betrayed her deep sadness but she just could not hide.
"More in a sense where I was the one that was desired."

Her gaze drifted out of the window of the restaurant watching life fly by while she inched her way forward.

Unspeakable

The sunset over the ocean was a purple and pink light show that had her mesmerized. She stood there listening to the waves, feeling the cool breeze slide over her skin and allowing the freedom of the moment carry her away.

Time did heal and it also showed harsh truths. Those were bitter pills to swallow.
She swallowed her pills like a good soul and stepped away from the whirlwind of her heartbreak.

Walking away completely was the best thing she could have ever done. Also the hardest thing she ever had to drag her little self through.
Seeing him walk by unexpectedly and know that she was not on his mind was shattering. But she was good at puzzles and her heart was taped, stitched and pasted back together now. It may not look all shiny and new but she felt it had character with its crisscross of scars.

So she left. Drove away and yes, she did look back and dreamed.
Her favorite was he came rushing after her, telling her he made a mistake but of course, it never happened.
Her dreams stayed within her mind and she now kept this as unspeakable.

A piece of driftwood laid at her foot and she watched the waves slip away for the millionth time.
Wood in hand she looked at the blank canvas of the wet sand and began to write.

In life we all have an unspeakable secret
an irreversible regret, an unreadable dream and
an unforgettable love.

Satisfied she tossed the stick aside, dusted her hands off and watched the stars come out.

"It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me" she whispered to the ocean and turned to walk away.

Bad Boys

"Fuck you." she yelled into her phone then slammed it into her pocket. She would not cry. No. Not this time. It was amazing how she was used to this mess of a life she was in.
She knew now he just did not care about her. Oh , hell not more than himself.
Damn selfish little prick.
She slipped behind the wheel and drove home with tears rolling down her face.
Her phone buzzed and her heart leaped out of her chest. Maybe it was him calling to apologize. To finally tell her he loved her as she loved him.
The phone showed it was her guy friend calling and her heart sank back into it's sad little parade in her chest.

"Hi." she said sullenly as she sat at a red light.

"Hey....what did he do now?" she heard the concern in his voice and it pained her. This man she was talking to was the sweetest thing she had ever met but she was not attracted to him at all. Though he did have amazing eyes.

"He is just being an ass as usual." she said as she drove.

"Yeah well...you need to just realize now what he is about. He is bad. He is selfish. You deserve better little one. Much better." she smiled and then started to relax.
He began to talk about his day, the silly things his co-workers did all day long always cracked her up when coming from him.
By the time she reached her house she felt so much better and she knew she could face the next day.

Walking to her car in the lot after work she glanced around. Hoping to see if the one she desired was watching her. It was always her fantasy that he came running to her, telling her how wrong he was and how much he adored her. It never happened and she knew now it never would.
Her steps slowed as she reached her car and the paper on her windshield made her heart speed up.

"What the hell..." she plucked the large sheet off and began to read the words printed there.

I heard you like bad boys.Those guys who act like they don't care about you, which makes you try harder to make them like you. Those guys who wouldn't reply to your texts until later on, which makes you wait around and miss him more. Those guys who act distant from you, which makes you try harder to get their attention. Those guys who know they can get a lot of girls, which makes you more afraid to lose them. Those guys who would show you they're interested one day then act different the next day, which makes you too confused to make a decision to leave him. Thsoe guys who will make you fall for them but they can care less, which makes you stuck and not being able to move on cause you care too much. Has anyone ever told you you deserve better than that? You probably have and you know what? It's about time you realize that. If a guy likes you, he'll meet you halfway. Simple as that. Don't settle for a bad boy when you deserve a good man. Sincerely, A guy who cares.

Tears had blurred the final line and she turned to see her friend standing there roses in hand with the sweetest smile on his face.

"Too much?" he said and shifted from foot to foot nervously.

"No, just enough to get through my thick skull." she said softly and moved toward him. Her heart was bursting with the realization that the person she loved was this sweet man. The one who made her root beer floats on sunny Sunday afternoons while they finished gardening. The guy who played in the rain with her and stamped in puddles even though he wore his good boots. The sweet man who always was at her side when she needed him and told her more than once what a wonderful woman she was.
Her fingers touched his lips, those sweet lips that said so many sweet things to her over the time they had known one another.

"I know a good man....and I hope he can forgive a foolish little girl." she said as she stared into his eyes.
His eyes had widened and she knew she had surprised him.

"I forgive you....always have and I always will little one." he said softly, his fingers trembled as they stroked her cheek.

She stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his and was lost in the sensation of finally finding what she had been searching for.

Love.

Fallen

The wind was cool this evening and he stood watching the stars shine in the dark sky. He knew that he had to tread carefully around this woman. He knew if he even cracked a little of his heart open she would take it and cherish it. He could not have that. That would make him love her.
Damn, he already loved her.
He watched her walking towards him across the parking lot. The smile on her lips made him want to wipe it off with deep kisses. The desire to hear her sigh his name in passion was almost overwhelming. When he caught the scent of her perfume he almost.....
Her arms were around him, body pressed against his in a tight hug.
Oh these hugs were a delight and a torture. He loved the feel of her little body against him and how tightly she clung to him.
He remembered one night where they stood wrapped in one another arms for quite some time. Neither wanting to let go and it was the most amazing feeling. Then the amazement shifted to fear. He could not let her in. Never into his heart.
When she leaned back to look into his eyes with a grin he felt himself falling into a cyclone of emotions.
He wanted to kiss her. Dip his tongue into her sweetness and know her in every way.

He'd fallen for this beautiful girl, who was so much more than pretty. She was smart. She was funny. She was brave. She had a past that wasn't all that lovely, yet she still put a smile on her face and never looked back. She was a lionhearted girl and as much as she liked to say she didn't deserve him, he often felt it was the other way around.

She gave her soul to him. She was always there facing any trial he had with her but he was not there for her as much as she needed him to be.
He knew if he stood in her presence too much he would blurt out the words.

"I love you." his whisper split the quiet air and his heart stopped.

Did he just say that out loud? Panic filled him but it was cut short by her hands on each side of his face, the look of pure delight in her green eyes and then the feel of her lips pressed to his.
The world stopped in that moment and then it spun off its axis when he heard her soft whisper.

"I love you too."

The Devil on my Mind

~Tucker Max~

"I am a fool." she said as she stood watching the traffic cruise up and down the street from the window of the office she stood in.
Arms crossed she felt cold to her soul. She should have known better than even to try to go back there. To even think that after all this time he would miss her. That he would see her and light up with joy at her mere presence.
She set herself up for disappointment for sure.

"Well, you aren't a fool but it was foolish to try to contact him after all this time. You know if he cared at all he would be with you no matter what." Her friend said from her seat in the corner of the room.

She shook her head, her gaze watching the train slide by down below.

"He cares but not the way I want him to." she sighed softly then said with bitterness in her voice.

"You know the real truth? It is that the devil doesn't come to you with his red face and horns, he comes to you disguised as everything you've every wanted. Then you are swept into hell where the torments are lengthy and painful."

She went silent watching another train, heading in the opposite directly begin its slow move. She wished she was on a train going away from here.
In her car driving away from her life of pain and self imposed misery.
Her arms tightened as a chill washed over her.
Someday she would be the one someone chose first.

Sweet Sadness

~Amelie Pascual~

She stood in the bathroom staring into the mirror. Her hair was just too flat. Were there more lines on her face than yesterday?
A hand smoothed her hair then stilled as one tear slid down her cheek.
Her gaze flicked to the doors to the stalls behind her but she knew she was alone.
Alone in some public bathroom crying over a loss she cannot bear to think about for too long.
A thought touches her worn mind and with a small smile she begins to fish around in her purse.

"There you are." she says softly and with a flourish, begins to write on the mirror with black eyeliner.

I am not depressed.
I can still smile at pretty things.
And laugh when jokes are funny.
I can still talk to people.
And enjoy nice days.
But when I go inside,
When I am alone,
There is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet that it engulfs me.
I look in the mirror.
And I don't like what I see.
And the tears always fall.
When I'm falling asleep and I miss something
That doesn't exist.
I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for awhile.
But I can still find the light.
I can still smile.

The eyeliner is tossed to the counter. She washes her hands and then touches up her makeup.

One last look at the black words on the mirror she was satisfied. Maybe someone will get some comfort that there is still a smile to be had in sadness.