Missing You But Does it Matter

I want to say I miss you. But it won't change anything so I'll just keep on pretending I don't.

I know I have said it but its time for me to stop.
Tme for me to stop lifting you up, telling you how amazing you are, how much I miss you and how I have your back.

I get tired of the silences after.
Never hearing back that you miss me too.
That you have my back.
That you wish you could see me or hug me or even think of me once in a while.

I feel like a foolish little girl in love with the movie star who tolerates her adoration cause its cute.

I am so scared to say what I feel for I may run you away.
You may see me as a problem after that.
I wrecked your castle where you dwell with your demons.
Did you know I was a demon slayer? I have the skills.
But you don't want me there.
You don't want me in your dreams, your mind........
               
                                 your heart.

I do cry at times but then I gather myself together for I am strong and I know that it is what it is.
Where I am at is where I am at.
I am not tall. Nor hot. Nor thin. Nor anything that you may like.
I feel tolerated
I feel abandoned.

Then I pick myself up off the pity floor and gather myself up.

I am beautiful. Kind. Intelligent. And hot. I know it.
I know you know it too.
I know you love me inside your heart.
I know I fight dragons with you in your dreams.
We build houses out of logs that face the Tetons where we drink whiskey and coffee on the porch.

Its just nice to hear from time to time that I matter.
That my green eyes make you weak.
That you want to wrap your hands in my hair.

I am missing you and it is getting harder to hold on.
It is getting harder to withstand the pain.

That Delicate Balance

Her eyes close to remember him standing over her. Tall, strong with hands rough from work. That slightly rough feeling sliding over her skin always drove her crazy.
Those twinkling blue eyes that watched her every move. He kept his distance till he could no longer bear it.
Holding the door open for her to walk past him and then the feel of his hand sliding over her ass.
She would grin back over her shoulder at him, letting her eyes tell him that he would get what he desired and more later.
The hot gleam in his eyes always got her squirming with anticipation.

It's's that delicate balance she craves. A sweet heart that beats inside a man who'll force her against walls and doors and likes the feel of her hair wrapping his hand.
Then the feel of his hand landing smartly against her bare ass and then the soft kiss to the heated skin afterwards.
The care in which he holds her tight to him when he has missed her will always show her he has a sweet heart in his chest with a dominant mans mind.
She adores him, every side and she will tend to her man as he desires for he will then place her on the pedestal to love as his queen.

its a delicate balance that is craved.

Not Like This

This place that I am in does not bode well for my girlish mind.
I find myself slipping into darkness so easily with one misunderstood sentence.
The days where I wonder where I stand in your life.
Then you say or do something that fans the little spark of hope in my heart that I do have a at least a sliver of your affection.

I will admit that I am tired of working around the moods and being ignored.
I stand in my walled off friend space you have placed me in and I wonder if I will ever leave this place.
Desolate at times it brings me to my knees in frustration.
For I want to be in your arms. I want to make you smile. I want to whisper I love you while I make love to you.
I want you to know you are loved, cared for, and wanted beyond all measure.
Is it so hard to even tell me you like my hair, my eyes or tell me how happy I make you?

I find myself in confusion and I've come to understand and believe that we've all felt it at some point or another that place where you just get tired. Tired of trying Tired of fighting just to stay in the same place. But you keep fighting because of that little voice that refuses to be silent that says; it doesn't end like this.

It can't end like this.

For the love of all that is holy, it can't end like this with me standing in my walled off prison while you ride away.

She Needed Him

The sun was going down and the sky had turned a beautiful shade of pink and yellow. The snow around the parking lot was shimmering in the dusk. It was a mild winter day which had brought the one person she wanted to see for months to her at last.
Living 5 hours away was tough to bear but then he never really saw her that much outside work when he was local.
This thought stabbed her in the heart and she felt the butterflies die in her stomach. She could not reconcile at times why they were even at this junction in their friendship.
She loved him, dearly, but he could not deal with her lifestyle. Well, she assumed this by hints he dropped and off hand comments of being outside your marriage, even with permission, is not acceptable.
Understood. She got that. So she kept herself on her side of the lines he had drawn. Kept things light and remained in the friend zone. Though there were times she mushed out on him which she silently suspected he really enjoyed.
She mushed enough for both of them. It was quite funny at times.
Early in their blossoming friendship she wondered if she was just another gal pal, one of the girls who fawned over him and he just was being nice. Then as time went along she saw what she wanted to say was love or at least a fondness in his eyes for her. When he set off for his new adventure 5 hours away the heartbreak in his eyes was something she would never forget.
They stared at each other that day, just drinking in the sight of one another and imprinting their face on their memories. If only things had been different when they met. If only she was not bound to another. If only he would step outside his comfort zone and let this be an adventure.
The tears threatned her at this moment and she had to calm herself. She needed to be happy when she saw him. Not a teary mess.

A soft sigh escaped her and she leaned her head back against the seat while she waited for him to arrive. Truck was running to keep her warm but her hands were cold.
She was nervous. Never understood why the nerves kicked in when she was about to see him. It was puzzling and sometimes quite irritating.
Her gaze flicked to the truck pulling in and her heart leaped upward in tempo as she saw him pull in next to her truck.
Great Goddess, this man made her weak in the knees and made her heart flutter with love.
She was lost, completely and utterly lost.

He walked around to the driver side and she pushed the door open, grinning down at him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile and she reveled in the smile she was getting back as well as the twinkle of happiness in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Hi and look at you, taller than me." he quipped with a crooked grin that always got her going.

"Yep, look at me taller than you. I kinda like this." she laughed as she smiled down at him.

He laughed then held his hands out, "Come here." he said with just the right amount of authority in his voice it sent shivers down her spine and right into her core. Good hell she would kneel to this man and that always shocked her when she thought of it.
She slightly hesitated only because there was something different here. A gleam in his eyes that she could only call determination and resolution.
The shivers turned into something deeper and tugged her heart wide open.
She slid her hands into his and he tugged, she slipped down from the truck and into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

Normally their hugs were quick, he used one arm like a side hug but this hug was possessive and complete. She could hear his heart hammering in his chest and she realized hers was hammering just as hard.
He squeezed her gently, his cheek resting on top of her head and she the became aware of his body was trembling slightly. What was going on and her heart flipped from elation to dread. Oh please don't let this be something bad.....Goddess....

"I have missed you so much." he whispered into her hair not letting her go from the tight hug.
"This is so hard for me to say but I can't do this anymore...no more...." his voice trailed off.

Her heart slammed into the pit of her stomach and she tried to pull away but he would not let her go. So she turned her head upward to stare into his blue eyes which were not filled with sadness or regret. They stared down into her green eyes with a mixture of fear and love. Her heart clawed its way from the abyss as a realization hit her. This was not goodbye, this was hello.

Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. "Then let's not do this anymore..." she whispered then stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.
Their first kiss, in the middle of winter in a parking lot but it was perfect.
He hestiated a moment, just a slight moment, then he was crushing her to him and deepening the kiss till her head spun.

"I love you....I know I shouldn't but I can't deny this anymore. I am tired of being lonely and missing you. So fuck it....whatever we need to do lets do it." he said with a fierce look in his eyes and her grin reappeared on her face.

"I love you too. Let's do this." she said as she pulled him down for another kiss. The soft groan that escaped him as her body molded to his was a thrill beyond anything.
She knew this would be hard. It would take work. It was not accepted. But they would be strong and for how ever long it lasted, they would cherish every moment.
She knew that this would be her epic adventure of her life.

She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.

Just For Once

Just for once I want someone to call me because they just want to talk because they miss me.
Just for once I want someone to step outside their walls and take a chance on me.
Just for once I wish someone thought I was worth the effort.
Just for once I wish someone would tell me how much they care for me.
Just for once I wish someone saw my sadness and cared.
Just for once I wish someone would wipe away my tears.
Just for once I wish someone saw how my world is crumbling.
Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

So Much Easier

It's a setup.
A trap for the unwary heart and lonely soul.
A bright smile, gentle voice and a soul that speaks to my own as if it were made from the same batch of stardust as my own.

We met. We talked. You smiled. I fell. You didn't.
You kept your distance but then did not. You came close then danced away.
Your eyes would reveal your secrets for a brief moment and I would catch my breath and think...yes this is right, this is good, he cares. Then it would fade away into the politeness and societal norm.
My heart wanted you but circumstances would not allow us to come together.
Or am I fooling myself?
Would you cross those invisible, social lines for another?
Maybe that's it.....maybe its my old, lumpy body with the fading memory of youth clinging to its surface that has turned you away.
Perhaps you enjoy my bantering, my kindness and my beautiful green eyes but the rest...nah, just not my type.
There was nothing worth crossing the line for.
That has to be it.....or maybe not. Who knows......no one ever will for your thoughts are closed off to me. You closed yourself off to me.

Yeah that got a few prickles of tears in my eyes.

Now I go through the motions of my day trying to just be me. Normal.
But in truth....
It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine