Deep Emotions

Fuck, she muttered as she slammed the car door.
Her heart was pounding with anxiety and sadness. My god, this can't be fucking happening she thought to herself as she sat behind the steering wheel.
He has lost his mind. Why in the fuck would he want to be with that woman? She was a hot mess and she was going to bring it all down on him. My hell. She muttered fuck again and started the car.
A deep breath to calm her nerves she pulled out of the garage.
She knew he would text her in a moment. Worried cause she just made some lame excuse about not feeling well and logged off.
Well fuck, why hang around to hear more about this person invading her person's life.
He was HER person.
Suddenly she saw the text come on the radio so she allowed it to come through.
'Hey where did you go? You ok?'
She pressed a button the steering wheel and let it go without a reply. Right now she was in turmoil and could not answer.
She knew she was being an over emotional bitch but she needed to vent this out. She did not want to vent at him but she just couldn't get past this. It was selfish she knew, he needed someone in his life to love like she had but my god why couldn't they just try.
It was different, her relationship but not so weird Lots of people were open and happy.
"Fuck it. God no more" she muttered as she drove home.

The next morning she just could not get out of bed so she laid there staring into space. She called in and remained there for hours.
Her phone rang and when she looked over at it she saw it was him. Calling me this time, now that was new. She let it go to voicemail then picked it up to hear what he had to say.
'Hey, you need to come let me in cause its raining out here. Come on now. I know you are home." his soft voice made her shiver and then she sat up.
'HERE?" She croaked and jumped up out of bed. Tugging on a robe she went to the door, pulling it open there he stood staring at her with tired eyes.
"What the hell...." she said but her voice trailed off as he stepped into the house past her and she stared at him.
"You had me worried." he said turning to look at her.
She blushed realizing she looked like hell. Hair a mess, no makeup, a robe on.
His blue eyes were trained on her, she could see he was tired and wary. God she did this to him with her petty bullshit.
One hand ran through her hair and she sighed, "I am sorry. I was not handling anything very well. And you drove all those hours to get here?"
"Yeah and I would do it again to make sure you are ok." he stepped closer looking down at her.
"I know you are scared but I am here to show you that there is nothing to worry about. I am not going anywhere." He tugged her into a hug and her arms went around his middle, her eyes pricked with tears and she felt them start to fall.
"I am sorry. You deserve love in your life and I am acting like I own you and....well I am scared." she sniffed then looked up at him.
He shook his head, "Your tears ..don't cry little one please."
She wiped at her eyes with one arm then whispered.
"I don't know what it's like not to have deep emotions, even when I feel nothing I feel it completely"
He pulled her back against him tightly and she could hear his heart hammering in his chest. This was a sound she wanted to listen to forever.
His soft voice cut through her thoughts, "I know you have strong feelings and I am sorry for not telling you how much I love you before this."
She leaned back and stared up at him in awe.
He nodded slowly, smiling gently, "I love you and I need to just deal with it. The thought of you not being in my life.....god no...I can't. Just can't."
His lips touched hers and soon they were lost in their first kiss.

She's Worth Everything

The rain fell in sheets as she stared out the window.
Thunder rolled through the air in a constant wave.
That sound was soothing for it drowned out the way her heart was tearing itself apart.
Pain laced through her as her mind focused on him.
That single person who was the sunshine of her life the past 3 years was slowly slipping away.
The move, the quiet days, and now her. This interloper who was leaning on her rock, on her person.
She invaded her space to take him away. He now did not see her as much as he did this other person.
Damn, it hurt.
She thought she meant more than this.
She knew that her own position was only that as friend to him.
But did he ever, even once, look at her with desire? Feel the fluttering of love in his heart?
One tear slid down her cheek and she thought, no he probably didn't ever feel anything but a mild affection for her.
She whispered to the stormy sky, "I just want someone to look at me and just think, she's worth everything/"

Complicated

He dragged his hand through his hair and sighed softly.
He knew he had been an asshole for weeks but all of his shit was weighing heavily on him.
When she told him she was tired of being shit on he knew he was part of this even though she never said it was his attitude lately,

The sun was setting and he knew she wanted him to come see her but damn it all. It was so hard to sit there watching those gorgeous green eyes sparkle at him with joy, listen to her sweet chatter and want her so badly it made his jaw ache from clenching it so tight.

Her eyes were the mirror to all of what she was feeling. He knew her so well now and he could hear in her voice the sweetness, the weariness, the pain. When he looked at her he knew she was hiding all the pain he inflicted on her but it shimmered in those green depths.
But she never berated him. Never called him to task, Always was there holding out her hands to help him through whatever shit he was putting himself through at the moment.

There was one drunken evening at dinner when he just laid his head on the back of the booth where they sat and stared into those mesmerizing eyes. She met my gaze and I was dumbfounded for I knew what I saw there and it scared me to the core but then it also brought me joy. That little thing loved me and I loved her but it was the most complicated, tangled mess he had ever ran across.

She was the most beautiful, complicated thing I'd ever seen. A tangled mess of silky string and all I wanted of life was to sit down cross-legged and untie her knots.
I wanted to unravel all her secrets and soothe all her worries.
I wanted to whisper in her ear at night how much I adored her. How much I loved her.

But I left instead.
Now I cannot see her green eyes.  I do not hear her voice. I only see her typed words on a screen and I miss her.
Terribly.
Nothing can be done of it so it is what it is. I move on with half my heart left behind in the silky hands of my soul.

Missing You But Does it Matter

I want to say I miss you. But it won't change anything so I'll just keep on pretending I don't.

I know I have said it but its time for me to stop.
Tme for me to stop lifting you up, telling you how amazing you are, how much I miss you and how I have your back.

I get tired of the silences after.
Never hearing back that you miss me too.
That you have my back.
That you wish you could see me or hug me or even think of me once in a while.

I feel like a foolish little girl in love with the movie star who tolerates her adoration cause its cute.

I am so scared to say what I feel for I may run you away.
You may see me as a problem after that.
I wrecked your castle where you dwell with your demons.
Did you know I was a demon slayer? I have the skills.
But you don't want me there.
You don't want me in your dreams, your mind........
               
                                 your heart.

I do cry at times but then I gather myself together for I am strong and I know that it is what it is.
Where I am at is where I am at.
I am not tall. Nor hot. Nor thin. Nor anything that you may like.
I feel tolerated
I feel abandoned.

Then I pick myself up off the pity floor and gather myself up.

I am beautiful. Kind. Intelligent. And hot. I know it.
I know you know it too.
I know you love me inside your heart.
I know I fight dragons with you in your dreams.
We build houses out of logs that face the Tetons where we drink whiskey and coffee on the porch.

Its just nice to hear from time to time that I matter.
That my green eyes make you weak.
That you want to wrap your hands in my hair.

I am missing you and it is getting harder to hold on.
It is getting harder to withstand the pain.

That Delicate Balance

Her eyes close to remember him standing over her. Tall, strong with hands rough from work. That slightly rough feeling sliding over her skin always drove her crazy.
Those twinkling blue eyes that watched her every move. He kept his distance till he could no longer bear it.
Holding the door open for her to walk past him and then the feel of his hand sliding over her ass.
She would grin back over her shoulder at him, letting her eyes tell him that he would get what he desired and more later.
The hot gleam in his eyes always got her squirming with anticipation.

It's's that delicate balance she craves. A sweet heart that beats inside a man who'll force her against walls and doors and likes the feel of her hair wrapping his hand.
Then the feel of his hand landing smartly against her bare ass and then the soft kiss to the heated skin afterwards.
The care in which he holds her tight to him when he has missed her will always show her he has a sweet heart in his chest with a dominant mans mind.
She adores him, every side and she will tend to her man as he desires for he will then place her on the pedestal to love as his queen.

its a delicate balance that is craved.

Not Like This

This place that I am in does not bode well for my girlish mind.
I find myself slipping into darkness so easily with one misunderstood sentence.
The days where I wonder where I stand in your life.
Then you say or do something that fans the little spark of hope in my heart that I do have a at least a sliver of your affection.

I will admit that I am tired of working around the moods and being ignored.
I stand in my walled off friend space you have placed me in and I wonder if I will ever leave this place.
Desolate at times it brings me to my knees in frustration.
For I want to be in your arms. I want to make you smile. I want to whisper I love you while I make love to you.
I want you to know you are loved, cared for, and wanted beyond all measure.
Is it so hard to even tell me you like my hair, my eyes or tell me how happy I make you?

I find myself in confusion and I've come to understand and believe that we've all felt it at some point or another that place where you just get tired. Tired of trying Tired of fighting just to stay in the same place. But you keep fighting because of that little voice that refuses to be silent that says; it doesn't end like this.

It can't end like this.

For the love of all that is holy, it can't end like this with me standing in my walled off prison while you ride away.

She Needed Him

The sun was going down and the sky had turned a beautiful shade of pink and yellow. The snow around the parking lot was shimmering in the dusk. It was a mild winter day which had brought the one person she wanted to see for months to her at last.
Living 5 hours away was tough to bear but then he never really saw her that much outside work when he was local.
This thought stabbed her in the heart and she felt the butterflies die in her stomach. She could not reconcile at times why they were even at this junction in their friendship.
She loved him, dearly, but he could not deal with her lifestyle. Well, she assumed this by hints he dropped and off hand comments of being outside your marriage, even with permission, is not acceptable.
Understood. She got that. So she kept herself on her side of the lines he had drawn. Kept things light and remained in the friend zone. Though there were times she mushed out on him which she silently suspected he really enjoyed.
She mushed enough for both of them. It was quite funny at times.
Early in their blossoming friendship she wondered if she was just another gal pal, one of the girls who fawned over him and he just was being nice. Then as time went along she saw what she wanted to say was love or at least a fondness in his eyes for her. When he set off for his new adventure 5 hours away the heartbreak in his eyes was something she would never forget.
They stared at each other that day, just drinking in the sight of one another and imprinting their face on their memories. If only things had been different when they met. If only she was not bound to another. If only he would step outside his comfort zone and let this be an adventure.
The tears threatned her at this moment and she had to calm herself. She needed to be happy when she saw him. Not a teary mess.

A soft sigh escaped her and she leaned her head back against the seat while she waited for him to arrive. Truck was running to keep her warm but her hands were cold.
She was nervous. Never understood why the nerves kicked in when she was about to see him. It was puzzling and sometimes quite irritating.
Her gaze flicked to the truck pulling in and her heart leaped upward in tempo as she saw him pull in next to her truck.
Great Goddess, this man made her weak in the knees and made her heart flutter with love.
She was lost, completely and utterly lost.

He walked around to the driver side and she pushed the door open, grinning down at him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile and she reveled in the smile she was getting back as well as the twinkle of happiness in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Hi and look at you, taller than me." he quipped with a crooked grin that always got her going.

"Yep, look at me taller than you. I kinda like this." she laughed as she smiled down at him.

He laughed then held his hands out, "Come here." he said with just the right amount of authority in his voice it sent shivers down her spine and right into her core. Good hell she would kneel to this man and that always shocked her when she thought of it.
She slightly hesitated only because there was something different here. A gleam in his eyes that she could only call determination and resolution.
The shivers turned into something deeper and tugged her heart wide open.
She slid her hands into his and he tugged, she slipped down from the truck and into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

Normally their hugs were quick, he used one arm like a side hug but this hug was possessive and complete. She could hear his heart hammering in his chest and she realized hers was hammering just as hard.
He squeezed her gently, his cheek resting on top of her head and she the became aware of his body was trembling slightly. What was going on and her heart flipped from elation to dread. Oh please don't let this be something bad.....Goddess....

"I have missed you so much." he whispered into her hair not letting her go from the tight hug.
"This is so hard for me to say but I can't do this anymore...no more...." his voice trailed off.

Her heart slammed into the pit of her stomach and she tried to pull away but he would not let her go. So she turned her head upward to stare into his blue eyes which were not filled with sadness or regret. They stared down into her green eyes with a mixture of fear and love. Her heart clawed its way from the abyss as a realization hit her. This was not goodbye, this was hello.

Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. "Then let's not do this anymore..." she whispered then stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.
Their first kiss, in the middle of winter in a parking lot but it was perfect.
He hestiated a moment, just a slight moment, then he was crushing her to him and deepening the kiss till her head spun.

"I love you....I know I shouldn't but I can't deny this anymore. I am tired of being lonely and missing you. So fuck it....whatever we need to do lets do it." he said with a fierce look in his eyes and her grin reappeared on her face.

"I love you too. Let's do this." she said as she pulled him down for another kiss. The soft groan that escaped him as her body molded to his was a thrill beyond anything.
She knew this would be hard. It would take work. It was not accepted. But they would be strong and for how ever long it lasted, they would cherish every moment.
She knew that this would be her epic adventure of her life.