She Was Never Afraid

He stood next to his truck waiting for her to arrive. The thought of leaving this little slip of a girl was killing him inside but he had to go. It was time for his demons were getting the best of him and he knew if he ever showed her that side she would turn away. He needed her to see him as he was now, strong and in control. He sighed, he knew no one would love him if he ever revealed what lurked inside him. Always different. Someone people feared. The beast within him one short fuse away from being revealed. No one understood him but then he felt that she did. She understood those little corners of him that he tried to hide. She drew out the good in him which softened those edges and he wondered if he gave this a chance.....his thoughts trailed up as he watched her car pull up.
His heart sped up and his stomach flipped over at the sight of her.
Gorgeous green eyes and the way she walked to him as if she owned the very air around her.
God she was amazing. The kindest and sweetest girl he had ever known.

"Hi there." she said with a saucy tilt to her head as she looked up at him.
Goddess, she loved looking into his eyes for the blues made her heart soar with joy and her body tremble with desire.
He was such a big man, strong but gentle at the same time. It was an intoxicating combination. He thought himself a beast. Filled with darkness and scary things so he kept his distance She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons that danced in his eyes. She knew there was a beast within the man and she never would be afraid.
She did not want him to leave. Her heart squeezed with pain. She wanted him to stay here with her. Let her take care of him and chase away those demons. She could do it. She knew she could.
A sense of boldness washed over her and she decided it was now or never.
She stepped close and slipped her arms around his middle, pressing her small form against his body.
He stiffened, but she clung onto him, saying in a trembling voice.
"Deal with it."
His body relaxed and his arms came around her to crush her tightly to him.
A soft sigh escaped him above her head and she buried her face into his chest.

The tears would not stay away and she began to cry softly.

He lifted her chin up and seeing those tears undid him.

"Little one please don't....I can't...." he said softly as his fingers gently brushed away the falling tears.

"You can. You damn well can. Don't leave. Don't leave me.." she whispered then sobbed and buried her face in his chest and his arms tucked her protectively against him.

His mind was spinning and he knew he could stay. He could be with this little firebrand and love her with everything he had. He knew he could. He would be better for it. But he had to ask, he had to put it out there as harshly as he could for he needed a little warrior next to him.

"I am not easy little one. I am dark, dangerous and unpredictable. I have so much darkness in me that I scare myself. I feel I just need to be alone." He said as he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
God, ,they were even greener when shimmering with those sad tears.
He watched those eyes shift from sad to anger. He leaned back seeing the little warrior he knew was in there.

"Fuck your darkness and I raise you my own. You think you are the only one with issues? With anger and sadness within? Well, guess what....you aren't. So I will need to warn you that I talk too much. I will tell you how it is and you will listen. I will be bossy and sometimes a handful but I will promise to always love you. We will never go to bed angry. And any demons that come out to fuck with me will need to deal with my bad ass little self wielding a sword of whoop ass. So stop this shit, kiss me and stay with me." She growled at him, stepping back with hands on her hips glaring at him.

He could not help the smile that broke out over his face and the chuckle that followed.

"You think I am fucking kidding?" she tilted her head and kept her stony gaze on him.

He shook his head and then stepped forward gathering her in his arms. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled. Her scent made him crazy and he knew he needed to give this a shot. He had to learn to take a chance now and again She was worth it.

"I will stay.....I will stay here with you cause I love you." he whispered softly.

She went completely still in his arms at his words then leaned back to look up at him. Wonder and happiness shone on her face and in her eyes.

"Yeah?" she said softly, almost afraid his mistaken what he said.

He smiled and nodded.

She laughed in joy and threw her arms around him, pressing her lips to his and he sank into the kiss with joy.
Her light was enough to snuff out any doubts and he realized as he tasted her that this was where he belonged. Right here with his little warrior.

Unwanted

The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

I feel that. In my soul. In my heart. Every day I feel this.
It's my own fault.
I expect too much from those I care about.
I expect them to friend me or love me the way I do to them and thus, I am disappointed.
Disappointment is my issue.

But I am human. And this human has feelings.
Those feelings are now of frustration and I do have a right to just flip out.
This is what I am doing now.
Throwing a good ol, rolling on the floor, temper tantrum.
I'll get over it shortly.

I cannot help how I feel about you. But I do temper it and not thrust it in your face.
I know it is my burden and not yours to carry cause you cannot cross any boundary you have not specifically placed. God forbid you took a step outside your comfort zone.
Tried something new.
But hey, maybe I am just not 'it' for you.
And that does hurt. All of this does because I fucking care.
It really is that simple.

The gist of it all?
I wish we were closer. Not between the sheets closer (though that is the ultimate for me with you) but sit at dinner talking about deep subjects closer. Sitting in a good movie closer.
Friends do this stuff and survive.
I hate how I am ignored at times. Those little pushes of distance hurt more than they should because I wish to be special in your eyes. The one who you can lean on without a worry.
I am your MAIN supporter. Your defender but yet......I barely exist in your mind, in your world.
When all I want is a simple acknowledgement of our years of friendship.
A kind word here and there. Perhaps even something like...hey you look really nice today.
Damn you are awesome. A fucking compliment will not turn you to stone.
And ignoring my questions...comments...shutting down conversations cause they don't fit in where you want to be...fuck that.
It hurts. Do you understand. It hurts to be unwanted. Ignored. Pushed aside.
I have ideas why but it still hurts.

I will get over it all. The tantrum will go away.
But I will still hurt silently. Cause I could never just sit down and tell you how I feel.
You would either not understand or push me further away.
I can't have that.
So I will sit silently and ponder the feelings of being unwanted.
For I know it is not the truth but my heart feels the pain anyway.

So There's This Boy......

So there's this boy......
he is sweet, gorgeous and kind.
He is also quiet, introverted, over thinker, and angry,
I have fallen head over heels for this boy and I have so much to say but I am afraid.
Words have a way of either pushing people away or bringing them in closer.
My words would be strong, deep and quite intense for this out of the ordinary situation.

I thought why not just write what I have to say down here.
No rejection. No fear. No worry. Just my words out in the universe for no one to see.

To the boy that holds my heart with his blue eyes this is a letter to you:

Today I almost asked you to go out again.
I didn't ask because I fear that you will do one of the things you usually do as of late; ignore the question  to side step it to something else or say sure and it ends up being something like lunch that only acquaintances do.
I see you more than an acquaintance and I thought you saw me as more once.
Something changed.
I wish you would tell me what happened. How did I go from being your confidant, the one you shared day dreams with to this place of away. This place of far away.

Now I know on a logical level what situation I present is very odd. It is not something most people engage in nor aspire to but its not impossible. We haven't ever even broached the subject and it seems you never want to.
I feel that you may have crossed a line in your head and that was enough overthinking to get you to back away.
Not only are you distant physically you also have left me mentally.
Our talks are mundane and we never reach for the stars anymore.
You never want to be alone with me. Even something as simple as a movie between friends is something you will not even consider.
Truth be told, it hurts. It hurts so much that I keep asking myself; what is so wrong with me that keeps you turned away from me.
But you care and I do know this. The small things you do remind me that even though you have put up some pretty tall walls, your heart still tugs when I am around.

I want to walk with you in the sunshine while we talk about whatever our minds bring up.
No boundaries. No limits.
I want you to teach me all those cool things you know.
I want your hands on me with passion.
I want your lips on mine.
We have a karmic connection. I know you know this.
The first moment our eyes met it was like being struck with a knowing.
A knowing that we have known each other for millennia.

I wish I could sit you down to say all these things to you without fearing that you would turn away because it was just too much. Too weird. Too stressful. Too much emotion.
I wish a lot....on every star I see flying by that somehow, someway we can at least be closer in some way.
I know you will be leaving someday. This breaks my heart.
With tears in my eyes and cracks in my heart I will wish you well. I will bestow all the blessings I know upon on you in your new adventure.
I would do this because I only want your happiness.
I would do this because I love you.

Can't Control my Feelings

We flirt all the time and smile and laugh but how am I supposed to know if this is real?
I can't control my feelings anymore it's so hard being around you and not saying all the thins I want you to hear.
I'm trying my best to act casual, but all I can seem to do is get mesmerized in your eyes.

I did that yesterday while we sat and talked. Your eyes looking into mine as you told your stories made me feel like I was lost in a day dream.
So many times during our talk I wanted to twine my fingers with yours.
I know things have been rough, though you won't speak in detail of the troubles, I want to comfort you
Pull you into my embrace and pull the sorrow, anger and pain away from your heart so that only the bright light of hope remains.
I want to be that beacon of hope for you.

But when we talk all I seem to do is get mesmerized by your eyes.

Keep Being Cute

She shook her head at his latest joke.
Good hell, he always had a way of making her laugh.
He stood there, towering over her with a crooked, super sexy grin on his face.
Feeling quite proud of his little joke was he?
Hmm, he needed to be checked and fast.
This man had her number and she loved it.
She wished there was more between them.
Beyond this arms length friendship they had.
God, she knew they would create magic if they were ever together.
He was still grinning down at her, those blue eyes twinkling.
Ah, fuck it.
She grinned back up at him and said, with a saucy tilt to her head and hands on her hips.

"If you're gonna keep being cute then you'll have to kiss me, I'm sorry I don't make the rules."

Those blues of his widened, the smile faded and she felt a shiver of fear wash through her.
God damn it, now did she just fuck up?
Her green eyes flicked away, thinking, fuck fuck fuck now I did it. Now he will walk away. Shut down. Laugh it off. Then we are done. God what did....
Her thoughts stopped as his fingers lifted her chin and without one word, only his blue eyes staring into hers with a gleam of desire, his lips came down on hers.

Fuck yes!

I'm Sorry.....

Frustration built up within her and she sat staring at nothing. Trying to keep her composure.
Finally the meeting ended, gathered her things and left the room without a word.
She needed to go. To get in her car and go somewhere far away.
Her heart squeezed as she thought about him.
What the hell got her to this point? She was just fine this morning. He had not said or done anything to make her feel this way.
He was her friend as he always has been.
Nothing new there.
She let out a long held breath as she walked out into the overcast day.
Friends. Yeah, that's all they were. That's all they would ever be. She was ok with that. She wanted him in anyway she could get.
But there were times like this where things just got to her.
She wanted more.
To feel his strong arms wrap around her small form.
The taste of his lips on hers.
Sound of his voice as he told her he loved her.
Good hell. She thought as she slipped behind the wheel of her car.
Get a damn grip girl.

She drove for miles and then wound up sitting in a parking lot that faced the lake.
The whitecaps whipped around and the wind was blowing the flag in the distance steadily.
This gray day did fit her mood.
Pulling out her notebook she began to write.

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad.
I'm sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't wanna walk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I'm sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but its just me missing you.

She read over her words and sighed.
I miss you. I miss sitting next to you at the bar telling stories.
I miss talking to  you for hours. I miss watching a movie via text.
I wish we could see a movie together then go to dinner after to discuss how much we loved or hated it.
I wish we could sit and watch the sunset and enjoy a fire.
I wish we just could be together more than we are now.

One single tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it aside.
She knew why they could not be together.
It made everything so much harder.
So much harder.
And hell.....there was a chance he just saw her as some girl he chatted up now and again.
Another tear slid down her other cheek and then the tears could not be stopped.
She sat in her car with the wind whipping around her as the tears of sadness, fear and longing fell from her soul.