Unwanted

The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

I feel that. In my soul. In my heart. Every day I feel this.
It's my own fault.
I expect too much from those I care about.
I expect them to friend me or love me the way I do to them and thus, I am disappointed.
Disappointment is my issue.

But I am human. And this human has feelings.
Those feelings are now of frustration and I do have a right to just flip out.
This is what I am doing now.
Throwing a good ol, rolling on the floor, temper tantrum.
I'll get over it shortly.

I cannot help how I feel about you. But I do temper it and not thrust it in your face.
I know it is my burden and not yours to carry cause you cannot cross any boundary you have not specifically placed. God forbid you took a step outside your comfort zone.
Tried something new.
But hey, maybe I am just not 'it' for you.
And that does hurt. All of this does because I fucking care.
It really is that simple.

The gist of it all?
I wish we were closer. Not between the sheets closer (though that is the ultimate for me with you) but sit at dinner talking about deep subjects closer. Sitting in a good movie closer.
Friends do this stuff and survive.
I hate how I am ignored at times. Those little pushes of distance hurt more than they should because I wish to be special in your eyes. The one who you can lean on without a worry.
I am your MAIN supporter. Your defender but yet......I barely exist in your mind, in your world.
When all I want is a simple acknowledgement of our years of friendship.
A kind word here and there. Perhaps even something like...hey you look really nice today.
Damn you are awesome. A fucking compliment will not turn you to stone.
And ignoring my questions...comments...shutting down conversations cause they don't fit in where you want to be...fuck that.
It hurts. Do you understand. It hurts to be unwanted. Ignored. Pushed aside.
I have ideas why but it still hurts.

I will get over it all. The tantrum will go away.
But I will still hurt silently. Cause I could never just sit down and tell you how I feel.
You would either not understand or push me further away.
I can't have that.
So I will sit silently and ponder the feelings of being unwanted.
For I know it is not the truth but my heart feels the pain anyway.