What I Want I Can't Get

She sat at the bar staring into the glass of beer before her.
Lost in her memories she did not notice the person sit beside her.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked and she vaguely heard a male voice say.

"Whatever she has if it's draft."

"You got it." the bartender said and moved away.

The voice was unmistakable and with a shiver within her soul and a pounding heart she looked at the man seated next to her.
Her green gaze met a dark one that was pinned to her with a deep intensity.

A grip. She needed to get one right now. Their last talk was not what she wanted to hear but she did not break the friendship, he did. So with a lift of her chin she said.

"What are you doing here?"

One dark brow arched. "It's a public bar so I thought I would come have a drink."

"Right next to me. Yeah right. What do you want." she said as the sorrowful anger took over.

He shook his head and slid the money to the bartender as the beer was set down. He took a drink of his beer and silence settled between them for a moment.

Good Goddess what the fuck did he want from her. Not only did she make a fool of herself with him she even went all understanding after she was told he loved someone else. Fuck what do I do now.
A sigh ripped forth and she turned to him.

"What." she growled.

He shook his head, not looking at her and took another drink of his beer.

"Asshole" she whispered and grabbed her beer. She was out of here and as she started to slide off the stool his hand came to capture hers.

"You are just too emotional." he said as he held her hand and stared at her.

"What? What the fuck did you say?" her whole body shook with the emotions that were ripping through her. The humiliation of being taken advantage of, the pain of losing someone you fell in love with and the fear that she was going to hear more things she did not want to hear. Her battered little heart could not take anymore. Goddess please.

"You are emotional and so am I." He said softly watching her closely. His hand remained on hers, tightly holding her in place.
"I know what happened, I was there too and I am sorry. I did not mean for all this to happen but you were...." he paused, shook his head and then said as he stared into his eyes. "You were not what I expected."

She stood staring at him, the anger flowing out of her, deflating her like a used up balloon. Her heart still hammered within her and something so scary began to build; hope.

"I thought I could take you for one night. Experience your beauty and sweetness and then we would just be friends. I did not expect all the emotions from myself. I should have never touched you while I was with someone else but I just could not help it. I wanted you...I still want you..." he trailed off and looked at the floor.
"I did not plan to love you." his dark gaze lifted to meet her green one which was filled with shock.

But she knew that other person was in his life still. That person she did not know about when she went around pursuing this gorgeous, sexy man. She could remember the need she had to touch him, kiss him, and the way his very voice ignited something within her soul she just could not understand. Perhaps she just did not want to understand it for it meant too much, something deep and unexplainable. A wild connection that she felt lasted for a millennia.

She took a deep breath and said softly.
"I always want the things I can't get and that's why I still love you."

His eyes widened and she pulled her hand from his gently.

"I think I will always love you." she said past the lump in her throat and then turned to flee the bar.
She needed to drive. To forget. To not hope.
Hope was cruel. She wanted him to be with her. To love her.
But he made his choice, no matter his feelings for her.
She did not wish him ill will at all, she wished him happiness.
She just wished she was the one making him happy.

Caring Too Much

I think one of the worst feelings is realizing you don't mean as much to someone as you thought you did. Then you just feel stupid, because you may have looked desperate about caring too much.

She paused in her writing and the memories came back.
Foolish girl. Foolish, stupid girl.

She drew a small heart on the paper then crossed it out.

Sighing she stood and looked out the window.
It was amazing how she could read saved notes and paragraphs months later, trying to decipher anything in them that showed that she meant something and she still had no true idea.
Guess actions speak louder than words girl. Get a grip.

Her nature was to care. When she heard all he was going through due to choices he and another made she just wanted to comfort him.
Of course her jealousy got her all puffed up. A sour grape moment to be sure.
She wished to be that friend but then a part of her was relieved he disappeared from her life. She did not think she could handle listening to his talk about another when all she wanted was to be someone who made him smile.
Who gave him passion.

She wanted to touch his cheek and tell him it would be ok. To take him into the mountains and wander by the stream while they talked about dreams and desires.
Just be that person he could openly lean on without worry for censure or condemnation.

So now in her cowardice she sat writing hearts on pieces of paper then crossing them out like some love sick teenager.

Fuck.

She just wished.....goodness she just needed to see what was in front of her.

Nothing.

She needed to know she was nothing to him.
Maybe for a moment she was everything he dreamed of and everything he wanted.
But now....she was nothing.
She had to be. He had to put here there for his sanity. She tempted him too much.
So he said.

Picking up the paper she stared at it for a moment.
She did care too much and the part that scared her the most?
Is if he came to her now she knew she would not turn him away.
How could the moon turn away the warm touch of the sun?

Damn. Foolish, desperate girl.

She balled up the paper, tossed it into the trash and walked out the room.

It Happens

I believe you can still love someone, but not like them. You love them for the person they were when they were with you, and for how they made you feel at one point. You still love them, and you might always. But you can still not like them, their personality might have changed. they might have gone the wrong way, they might have lost themselves. Or, they might have just given up on you. Or everything they believed in before. It can happen.

She pressed send on the text and tossed the phone aside.

In one way it felt good to cut the last of her regrets and loss off her heart.
In another way she felt lonely as all hell. She had held on for so long, her mind playing fantasy games where he came back to her. Where he showed up with flowers and grand gestures of love.
The words were so very correct. She did feel the love still but she did not like who he was.
It was sad.
Her phone buzzed and she looked at the text coming in from her friend and it read;

You are correct. They are lost. Good for you to see this. Be happy my friend. Be happy.

She tossed the phone down and sighed.

It hurt, she admitted it but she would never let him know.
That would not do.
She would remain on her path of quiet reflection.
Joy was around the corner......it was always on her side.

Rejection

"Dammit, shit...I hate this...." she sputtered as she slammed the car door and her friend slid into the seat next to her.

"I will not fucking cry. NO."

Her friend sat silently for a moment then said softly.

"Crying is ok. It shows that you care but now you need to let go."

She sniffed and then frowned. Why did he have to go to someone else.
She looked over at her friend and whispered.

"Why wasn't I good enough? Am I not pretty? I swear he thought I was gorgeous. Am I too fat? Stupid?" she shook her head fighting the tears once again.

Her friend leaned over, placed on hand on her arm and said.

"No. You are pretty, smart and awesome. Remember, rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer. And you have a lot to offer. Honesty. Integrity. Something many people do not have these days. Know yourself. Know what you felt, saw in his eyes and what is happening now. Just know. Cry. Let it all go and then do not cry again as it is time to move on to better things. To those who appreciate you and what you truly do have to offer."

A small smile touched her lips.

"Thank you. I am lucky for a friend like you."

She took a deep breath, turned the car over and nodded.

"Time to move on."

Room Full of People

   A snippet of conversation floated to her within the room and her gaze settled on two who were talking. She heard the words of jealousy, of condemnation and of hatefulness. Then the two sets of eyes flitted over to another soul who sat alone at the end of a row. Their eyes hard, mean and whispers of callous disregard for the pain they caused.

This meeting was to be about teamwork and how can such a thing happen when there was such a blatant disrespect for one another.
She snorted softly as she watched the milling crowd.

It seemed that either people were talking about one another, sleeping with spouses that were not theirs or backstabbing to climb the ladder of success.

A pain filled her soul to feel the swirling emotions of those around her.

Sorrow from one who was losing the battle against illness in their family.
Jealousy emanating for that person's clothes, stature or who they had in their bed.
Anger rolling off in waves as they realize their spouse had left them for some action somewhere else and they were just not good enough.

She used to walk into a room full of people and wondered if they liked her...
and now she looks around and wonder if she likes them.

With that thought she stood, unable to take the deceitful, selfish hoard any longer and walked out of the room.

She crossed the street, leaving the harshness behind her she inhaled the scent of the lake before her.
This is where she belonged. Outside where the breeze could cleanse the stench of the decay of humanity off her skin.

A glance to the blue sky above and she wished she could fly into the stars and be away from this barbaric place.
Go somewhere to see honesty considered a virtue instead of a weakness.

She was a square peg in a round hole.
She had stopped trying to impress anyone a long time ago.
Herself was enough.
She knew she carried joy. A joy she was willing to share....with the right soul.

Pretend

 

 

 

Pretending was something she excelled at.
She remembered as a kid she could pretend to be a horse and gallop down the driveway to her corral in the grass.
She could pretend to be a rock star drumming away in her garage as the crowd cheered her on.
She could pretend to not be scared when she really was.

But she could not hide the love in her eyes.

No, she found that out and it was terrible.

It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but it's even harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

 

She had to be so careful when she hugged him. Not to do it too long. Too much.
Not to allow him to see her green gaze on his for he could see her soul. He said as much.

She did not want him to be worried that their friendship was in jeopardy.

But he said it. He said they were connected.

How could she not take that to heart, especially after all these years.

Damn. She jacked it all up again and now he was buried in his work.

Ignoring her once again till he got himself under control.

Or she did.

Or he finally left her forever.

Oh that could not happen? Could it?

The fear of that was something that lived within her. She could not lose him. He had been her constant for so many years. She would rather him her momentary shadow than gone from her light forever.
Please Goddess, do not let this happen.

A sign of what to do? Something small to latch on to?

 

A soft sigh escaped her and she sat down to think.



Promise Me

    Never had she been so daring but her world had come to one single pinpoint. A sort of a mission that she needed to be heard.
Ah but would it make any difference? She bet it wouldn't but then that was not the point of this running amok kind of action.
The point was to have her say not have him back. She felt at this point he was not someone she knew anymore. He did not seem someone she wanted to know anymore but her soul screamed for resolution.
The paper clutched in her hand said simply:

Promise me. That's all I want. Just promise that you'll never forget me. Tell me that I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you'll always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to go on knowing I mean absolutely nothing to you.

As she ran headlong across the parking lot toward his truck she felt a stab of fear.
Oh great Goddess she did not want to know. She would rather live in her fantasy that he cared for her in some small way. That she did move him to go beyond his control and that allowed him to take her as he desired. As she desired.
She skidded to a halt not caring who watched her.

"Damn. Fuck this." She growled and stared hard at the ground.
Then with a resigned sigh she crumbled the note in her hand and with a wrench to her heart she tossed it to the gutter.
She glanced at it for a moment thinking to rescue it. Thinking she could just tuck it away into her box of thoughts she kept.
A lift of her chin as one tear ran down her cheek.
An angry swipe of her hand to that errant, unwelcome touch of salt water etching its way down her cheek.

"No. Hell no I will not cry over someone who doesn't give a shit about me. Hell no."
with that being said to no one she stalked off to her car.
Turning up the music she set her mind to the next task.
Forgetting him once and for all.
This she would do.
Yes.
It had to be done.
For she was not to be trifled with.

As she zoomed out of the lot she did not look back.
She should have.
If she had looked she would have seen a tall figure picking up a crumbled piece of paper from the gutter next to his truck.
Unraveling it to read and stare after her with concerned eyes.