Caring Too Much

I think one of the worst feelings is realizing you don't mean as much to someone as you thought you did. Then you just feel stupid, because you may have looked desperate about caring too much.

She paused in her writing and the memories came back.
Foolish girl. Foolish, stupid girl.

She drew a small heart on the paper then crossed it out.

Sighing she stood and looked out the window.
It was amazing how she could read saved notes and paragraphs months later, trying to decipher anything in them that showed that she meant something and she still had no true idea.
Guess actions speak louder than words girl. Get a grip.

Her nature was to care. When she heard all he was going through due to choices he and another made she just wanted to comfort him.
Of course her jealousy got her all puffed up. A sour grape moment to be sure.
She wished to be that friend but then a part of her was relieved he disappeared from her life. She did not think she could handle listening to his talk about another when all she wanted was to be someone who made him smile.
Who gave him passion.

She wanted to touch his cheek and tell him it would be ok. To take him into the mountains and wander by the stream while they talked about dreams and desires.
Just be that person he could openly lean on without worry for censure or condemnation.

So now in her cowardice she sat writing hearts on pieces of paper then crossing them out like some love sick teenager.

Fuck.

She just wished.....goodness she just needed to see what was in front of her.

Nothing.

She needed to know she was nothing to him.
Maybe for a moment she was everything he dreamed of and everything he wanted.
But now....she was nothing.
She had to be. He had to put here there for his sanity. She tempted him too much.
So he said.

Picking up the paper she stared at it for a moment.
She did care too much and the part that scared her the most?
Is if he came to her now she knew she would not turn him away.
How could the moon turn away the warm touch of the sun?

Damn. Foolish, desperate girl.

She balled up the paper, tossed it into the trash and walked out the room.