Wrong Time

We met at the wrong time. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
Maybe one day, years from now, we'll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.
So until then, I'll just have to continue feeling this way every day.
Sad.
She set her pen down and looked out the window to the traffic outside the coffee shop.
A bright, cheery day in San Fransisco and she was happy to be there. Well not all the way happy but happier than she had ever been before.
Time did heal, she thought as she lifted her latte to take a sip.
She did tell him she had moved here but that was six months ago. He never said a word. He let her go without a word. Not even a goodbye. That hurt the most.
She could understand why they did not have a chance then to be together but at least a goodbye to a lover whom you shared so much that was leaving the state.
A soft sigh escaped her and she looked back at the reddish paper under her hand.
She would paint the bedroom wall that color, she nodded at herself as she turned the paper round and round.
Then perhaps some luck would come into her life in the form of love.
She missed her lover. Missed his dark eyes and his gentle touches. Missed sitting with him on the couch in silence, just enjoying the baseball game and his warm body pressed to hers.
They were good together just not good enough to make an effort, she thought as she let another sigh go.

"Those are pretty deep sighs." a male voice said next to her ear.
She froze. There was no mistaking that voice for it had been seared onto her soul forever.
Her green eyes lifted from the paper to meet the dark gaze of the one she had loved for a millennium.

"You are here." she said with wonder lacing her voice,

"Yes, I am here and if you allow it....." he smiled softly, one fingertip pushing a stray strand of hair from her cheek. "I would like to stay here with you forever."

She smiled and her world righted itself in one sip of coffee.

Lost in Time

I cannot stop the hands on the clocks from moving. They will not cease for the march of time goes on no matter how much I wish it to remain still.
There is a point in time where I wish I could have made time stand still.
A time where I felt whole and loved. A time when I felt like I was the most important and lovely thing ever to grace his sight.
I wanted to freeze the moment when his lips first touched mine. To always know that sensation of hot desire coursing through my body.
To stand still within his embrace and know the night would not end. It would go on and on.
we would have all the time in the world

But time did go on.

I long for the time in his embrace. I wished to remain in that night forever.

I used to dream of his kisses and his loving, dark eyes watching me.
The fantasy is over but I cannot move on. I still wish to dream. To remain in that place with him.

When I dream now, I am chased by time.
The ever present destroyer.
It takes each minute of my life and throws it away. I stand lost within the darkness of the night where my fantasy now lives.

My wish to remain came true.
For now I am stuck in time with him but only in my memories.

No longer a dream but a nightmare of loss and pain.

My wish now is to find a way out.
Perhaps I shall just run away from time.
Pull the pin on the ticking and just fade into the nothing.

Never Comes

It never seems to work her way.

     She waited all those months. Hoping her conversations would entice.

      She tried to be aggressive. She tried to be kind. She tried to be friendly.

        Then she was just herself, unapologetic and then he was in her arms. He took her with such desire and need it sent her to the heavens.

       Silence came after. Painful silence. Alone she wondered what did she do wrong.

                    Then words that she did not understand.

Then he was back and she was so grateful. She hesitated. She was afraid but she wished to be in his arms again, even if it was just one more night. His soul had touched hers. She felt hers touched his. He was her addiction. She needed to taste him once again.

  She let her truth be known, with kindness and compassion and love.

         He broke her heart with more words.

                       She was cast aside. She was not good enough.

       She feels less than but she still harbors hope.

Foolish girl.

She still waits. Feeling the pain of rejection. Hoping her pain will be washed away with his love.

                              But it never comes.

Ghost Lover

    Dare I think of you at this eerie moment? Dare I stop to remember the touch of your fingertips upon my skin? Dare I even close my eyes this night?

    I wish that my ghost lover would come to me in the night with his spectral kisses upon my brow and the whispers of love in my ear. I wish this with all that I am. In my dreams is the only time I am allowed to be with him.

   Though he walks by the light of the day and smiles at all those he passes, I am invisible to him now. I am frozen, watching him, strong and confident. When our eyes meet, for a fleeting moment, I see the fire still rages within. He remembers, yes he does. The wild, crazy inferno that came with one touch. We felt out of control. Then he looks away and I am invisible once again.

             My heart breaks.

    He haunts the hallways of my memories and I cannot escape him there. He is my ghost that will forever haunt my soul, my heart. I succumb to the images of what once was and fall into an abyss of desire.

     I remember the look in his dark eyes before our first kiss. My soul was stolen from me that night. Was he the devil? Here on the earthly plane to steal my heart and soul to only dash it to the rocks of abandonment.?

My dreams feel cruel for I cannot look away from my ghost lover as he comes closer. I can feel his skin, so warm and strong against mine. I feel the tendrils of his dark hair trailing through my fingers as he tastes me deeply with a kiss. My heart beats furiously in passion and fear. I lift my hand to touch him one more time....

    ..... just one more time. Please let it be......but it is not to be.
He disappears with a smile that sears itself onto my heart.

                                                I wake to the feel of tears on my cheeks.

   

Yes Mistress

  
"I can help you with your fantasies." The soft purr of her voice filled the dimly lit room. Candle light was flickering along the walls and its dance was revealing many items of intense interest to the man seated in a chair. His gaze slid back to the woman who was entering the room and the small smile on her lips reminded him of a cat watching a helpless bird.

"When do we begin Mistress?" The tremor in his voice was easy to detect and her smile grew wider. The distinct jingle of spurs caught his attention and his eyes flicked to the knee high black leather boots that encased her legs. Silver spurs glinted in the candlelight and a shiver of pleasure washed over his form with a tingle of fear. He wondered what was in store for him this evening.

   Her dark green gaze watched the man squirm in the chair, one hand adjusted the bulge in his jeans, and that sight made a soft throaty chuckle escape her. She stood over him, red lacquered nails clicked along the arm rest of the wooden chair he sat in. Languidly, she strolled around to the wall behind him and chose a black riding crop that hung with the assortment of items on the wall. She turned and slapped the crop on her leather clad leg and he came to instant attention. His form was ram rod straight in the confines of the wooden chair. She liked that, she liked that he really was paying attention to what she was doing within the room. It boded well for him and his training. He may actually make a good slave after all.

“Stand up and remove your clothes please, so I may see you.” Her voice was strong and echoed in the room. She stood and waited for him to comply. As she watched him a smile appeared on her lips. Good thing he moved quickly, she thought.

While the clothes were being shed from his body she thought about where to begin to work with him. How she could give him what he desired. He did not strike her as the type who wanted a heavy hand but wanted to break gently, with seduction. She wished to bring him to the shivering heights of passion he ached for, to wash away the pain of his past and give him something new to cling to.

“Take the position please.” She commanded and moved to stand in front of him as he knelt on the small white rug before the chair. The sound of her spurs filled the room as she circled him kneeling there on the rug. Her crop touched the small of his back gently, “More arch please.” And he obeyed instantly. The crop again touched under his chin,
“Up just a small bit my pet.” She purred softly and nodded with a smile as he complied. She paused in front of him, watching his eyes stare straight ahead, his buttocks resting on his heels, head held high and hands loose on his knees.
“Very good my dear.”
Her lips hovered inches from his ear she whispered. “My sweet, remain in this position until I return.”
She straightened up and watched his eyes flick to hers, a smile on his lips then he winked. “Yes Mistress.”
A grin spread on her lips, she liked a pet with a little spine and a little backtalk. It made things much more interesting.
The crop slapped his thigh gently, he jumped and she chuckled. “Be careful sweet one or I may have to punish you.”
His eyes snapped straight forward but she could see he could barely suppress his smile.
This will be an epic evening for sure.

She strolled back to the other side of the room, spurs jingling in her wake and she turned to watch this one while she lounged against the wall.
His hair was longer, she enjoyed that for it gave her something to tug on while she went for a ride. His body was very lean and his cock stood out straight from a nest of dark curls.
She did adore dark hair and she knew she would enjoy every inch of this delicious specimen of a man.
She would make him wait a little while longer, see how much he could hold out, keep the position and the moment he slipped she would dole out the punishment.
He would enjoy that as would she.

Chasm

The bridge has fallen into the abyss and the mists have swallowed it whole.
I stand on one side of the chasm watching you go about your days as if nothing was ever behind you at all.
                               How I wish I had your strength.

The mists tease me. Showing me images of what could have been. Showing me images of what I am missing out on.

                               How I wish I could close my eyes.

The distance has grown so great between us. Almost as if we are strangers from two different worlds who only met in a dream state.

                               How I wish I did not dream.

Tendrils of the bridge hang down the walls of what once was. Can they ever be mended. Can they ever be brought back together.

                              How I wish I could just leap.

                                         Leap into the abyss of not caring anymore.
                                                   Leap into the world where you are so that I too could be....

              Free.

But There's Just Something

   "But there's just something about him that made me like him ever since the day I met him. There was something about him that made me go absolutely crazy." she said as she stared into her coffee cup.

"What was the something?" her friend asked as he sipped his coffee.

    She looked up and sighed, her green gaze shifting to a far away gaze as she remembered.
    "It was the way he watched me with intensity, like every word I said mattered, like every movement was important. I felt he was present when we spoke and then there was the intense magnetism. It was something I had never felt before in my life. Nervous energy where I wanted to impress him to the point where he lost control. And he did. So did I. I can't even look at him now without my stomach flipping over with anticipation, desire and fear."
She said softly and brought her gaze to her cup once again. She could feel her cheeks redden with her admissions for she did feel like a foolish girl.

"Why fear?" Her friend asked gently.

"Because....I am so afraid that he will finally say to me what I don't want to hear...." her voice had dropped to a whisper and she peeked up at her friend who was staring at her with expectation.

He leaned forward and said, "What....what is it you don't want to hear?"

"I love you." her whisper was strained and she felt the tears threaten.

"Why is that bad? Isn't that what you want?"

One tear slid down her cheek as she looked at her friend, pain so great radiated from her, he scooted closer and said softly. "What...you can tell me...what is it?"

"I fear that because I will say it back and we cannot be together the way we want and then where would we be?"

The tear slid off her cheek to fall to the napkin on her lap. It spread out within the white, woven paper to disappear but the pain remained.

Bright Moonlight

    She stood at the edge of the meadow in the  bright moonlight and smiled with all her joy. It seemed that the world was spinning once again and she felt like dancing in the moonlight with her flower friends.
Kneeling beside one purple hued flower with its iridescence gleaming up at her she trailed one finger along the delicate petal. The soft humming sound that emitted was one of pure happiness for the flower loved to be touched. All of these flowers in the meadow were crooning flowers and they emitted a soft humming melody when touched. They were pure examples of joy. She adored them and she was so happy she had found this place.

  No longer the Lost Girl she now was the girl who had loved, healed and then moved on to a new place of love and light. She did not mind being here alone in her meadow of flowers for she knew things about herself now that were positively amazing. She admired her strength, her willingness to forgive and still send loving wishes to those who had hurt her. Yes, she understood and now that she was past the hurt she could see things clearer. Sometimes you have to read between the lines and she did just that.
A soft chuckle escaped her and she shook her head as she stood. Stretching languidly she looked up at the blue tinged clouds and smiles.  A noise in the distance made her freeze, a tilt to her head to listen closer and she waited. There it was again, the sound of hooves pounding on the ground.
She laughed out loud, twirled in a circle and yelled aloud as the unicorn came flying into the meadow. He skidded to halt beside her, all glowing silver and white he tossed his head with a whinny of happiness.
She laid a hand on the unicorn's neck with a smile.
"Ah my old friend. I am so happy you are back. Time for us to have an midnight adventure."
The unicorn tossed his head and pawed the ground with one shiny black hoof.

With one fluid leap she is mounted, hands tangling in the long silky mane she yelled.
"Let's fly!"

With a small rear the unicorn neighed and took off across the meadow. The crooning flowers all humming in happiness as the breeze of the passing unicorn brushed their delicate petals.

An adventure of the first order was in store.

Hell yes!

Tell Me Everything....

   I was thinking the other day how I love to listen to those I care about tell me about their dreams, where they grew up, how they like their coffee and anything else they are willing to share. I love to talk as well but there is something grand about listening. You can tell so much about a person when they begin to talk. You know what impassioned them, scares them or brings them sadness. All of it brings emotions which are something tactile to me. Being an empath I sort through emotions like postcards, admiring them and loving their texture, depth, and color. If sad emotions come through I tend to wipe a loving hand over the picture to take away the gray, show them the rainbow in the matter and let them know they have a rock to lean on. If there is joy emitting then my eyes will alight like theirs, urging them to talk more and bring forth the bright colors of the rainbow as that is what joy does.

    I love to feel what others are feeling, though I am a little afraid of my own feelings. Tis a little silly to be sure but then I find that when I feel I tend to whirl around with their emotions as well. That can be overwhelming. To feel love vibrating to you from another, taking it in and swelling inside from it is a difficult thing to keep under wraps. I am not good at subterfuge at all. I tend to be vocally out there saying; hey this is how it is and let the dice as they fall. Yeah, not a good strategy at all. It does not work all the time so if you are someone who wishes odds to be in your favor, I do not recommend this route. It does work sometimes so a risk it is.

   Recently I have been feeling these tumultuous emotions sliding around within me and I feel they are being projected to me from another place. If I am connected to a person I feel a lot this way and unfortunately, I am connected to someone who is in some emotional turmoil. Yeah I know, sounds so metaphysical and off the wall and strange. Just go with it, think of it as a perception.
    I perceive this person I care for very much, whom I am in a rift with,  is having troubles at the moment and I wish there was a way I could soothe their brow with a gentle touch. Whisper that all will work out as it should. Brighter days are ahead. Provide wine, a loving ear and a safe place for them to just be simply who they are without worry.
    There is nothing I can do really except hope they feel from me that I care. That regardless of what water has passed under the bridge for us that I still care. That I will always care.

   A tough place for an empath to be in when the one they love is frustrated, hurt, angry and sad.

   A conversation between us does not have to be about their current dilemma. Sometimes talking about other mundane things can take the edge off the soul so that they do not feel like they are under the guillotine and waiting for it to fall.
   What new wines have you tried? My new favorite drink is Blue Moon beer mixed with orange juice. You need to hookah. Yeah, Blue Moon with hookah. A relaxing evening of baseball talk (Go Giants), how to plant the garden, how good the Hobbit really was, and there is that book Fifty Shades of Gray and yes I did write my version years ago. So much to talk about. So many avenues of calm, simple, relaxing conversation.

   Wish on a star. Wish on 11:11. Find a four leaf clover.

   What happens when it does?
   What happens when it does not?
    I am afraid of either one.

Past Realizations and New Revelations

     Something I ran across I wrote a while ago and it deserved a place within my blog for it shows my thoughtful state of mind. Even within the realm of turmoil, when I am hurting, I tend to think about others and how they feel.
Of course there are times when I want to be hard, mean, simply a bitch but I find that I am not capable. So I do tend to get the short end of the stick sometimes. Perhaps my spine is not stiff enough sometimes and I do allow emotion to rule me a little too much. I am an empathic after all.....it is hard not to feel. I do try.
     I am sharing this bit of writing because it is a piece of my mind while it was in a contemplative mood. At this time I am in a different place than I was at the time of the self discovery I wrote below but it is interesting to see how growth can change perceptions.
    My new perception is born of a lot of communicating with those who love me and their desire to make me understand that I am ok. Me, this person as I am...talking and all...is awesome, lovable, desirable and wonderful. Why is that so hard to understand? Because it seems women are wired to be self depreciating. We must stop and know our own worth. We need to be able to pat ourselves on the back once in a while and know we are loved regardless of the situation.
Amazing realizations to be sure.
Enjoy.

*********************************************************************************

        Reading a thread on a message board today got me thinking about my own adventures and behavior surrounding them. The poster of the thread was dealing with similar issues in which I have found myself in and so my mind began to wander back to one time when I was challenged with ‘the way I am’.
        When one walks upon a new path in life there will be rough patches that one must tread through carefully, there will be steep climbs where you think you may not make it to the top and then there are those joyous romps in the meadow where all is sunshine and flowers. I think at one point I became a little over enthusiastic over those flowers within a meadow. But then it was a new thing for me, the first foray into unknown, untested realms and I did not know how to behave, how to interact, how to calm down or how to even get my point across without being pushy or overbearing. When I look backwards I realize that sure, there were mistakes made all around but the hardest part for me to reconcile was the fact that I was not given a chance to explain myself nor redeem myself. That took the wind out of my sails for quite some time. I felt as if I had done some irreparable thing with just being as I am.

        One thing I do know about myself is that I am a communicator. I tend to write out how I feel, discuss at length the possibilities or want my answers. When I was playing in this meadow I realized at that one point I was perhaps over-communicating with someone who is not a communicator, and that is a challenge within itself. I was trying to make my point without even considering another’s way of communicating and it all went awry. Once I stepped out of the meadow, well….was pushed out of the meadow, I slipped into a deep melancholy.

    These new emotions I was experiencing brought forth a well of creativity I had not experienced since I was into free form role playing years ago. I was able to write with a deep, emotional connection and it was an incredible experience. Being a quick learner I realized I needed to get these thoughts out there so I found a medium where I was able to do this. I was able to put forth my feelings, was able to over communicate without worrying about being annoying as it was a choice to read the writing or not. Then as I purged, dug deep into my feelings and thoughts, I realized that my writing had an opposite effect in another meadow. Again I found myself climbing the steep pathway of a mountain, slipping and scraping along trying to figure out what I did wrong again with being ‘as I am’.
        This thread I was reading eluded to that the gal was too much of a talker, too arrogant and such. So I paused to ask myself: am I that way? Do I talk too much? Do I push too much? Am I arrogant? Am I just too different to fit anywhere?
The fear slipped in as I began to take a long critical look at myself through the eyes of others. Now, a caveat here: I do not mold my life around what others think of me unless they are important people in my life. So when I am looking at myself through the eyes of others I am seeing if I am pushing people away inadvertently with unlikeable behavior. I am not modifying who I am to make people like me. Either you do or do not like me at my core level; if that is something you cannot handle then move along.

         It is not an easy thing to look at one self in a critical manner and I do not mean low self-esteem self-bashing way, I mean in a deep, behavioral way. This is where the mirror of oneself gets harsh. One has to ask themselves while they look in the mirror: Am I a good person? Is my behavior hurting people? Am I driving people away with too much information at once? Am I being not being respectful of others boundaries?
Once I stepped away I saw yes, I was too over enthusiastic in that flowery meadow but was never given a chance to calm down. I pretty much was left to hang myself with my own rope. It was a painful lesson but then a good lesson for I learned not to open up so easily to people, to guard myself a little better. As much as I hate to do this, as much as I do not like closing my book for I am an open person, I feel I must for the pain I went through is not worth repeating. I also realized that I may be ok with who I am, others may not be and I need to be respectful of that.

      I also realized that my over enthusiasm and constant talking within my own meadow did make for an uncomfortable time for others. I then realized that a selfish streak was emerging and that is definitely not who I am. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, pain, whatever it was at that moment that I did not stop to see what I was doing to my own meadow. That is where the climb got to be tough and while I may still be climbing I am starting to see blue skies.

       I did ask myself all the other hard questions and good things did emerge. I am a good person. I care for others way more than I do myself. I worry about how others feel, especially if I am directly involved. This is where I did find my behavior does affect others and that is now something I am very careful and mindful of. I found yes, I do push too much and at times talk too much. I have learned now to keep my cards close to my chest, reveal my inner most feelings only when I feel safe to do so and then allow things to progress at their natural, organic pace.

     Life is about experiencing what is around you. A tactile touching of it all, feeling the textures of it slide over your soul. A sea of wild sounds, sights and wonderful tastes that can overwhelm if one is not careful. It can carry you away on wild waves of intense passion but in an instant you can be drowned in a lashing storm. I have been blessed enough with people in my life who know me for who I am, accept me for who I am and will always (eventually) listen. They are watching me shift perceptions; modify beliefs and behaviors so that all are happy. For my only goal in life is to take care of those I love.

        To me love does make the world go round. And now with my new found lessons under my belt I am able to see my pathway through those rose colored glasses but without the naivety. I cannot predict the future but at least I am better prepared to take on what happens along the way. I think the work I am doing on my own self will make me a better person all around and isn’t that the main goal in any life? To be the best, most authentic person you can be and live this wonderful life to its fullest without regret. Live long and prosper.

A Traveler's Wedding

Colors danced in the sky and she reveled in the feelings that flowed through her. Today was the day she would join with the other half of her soul. They would stand under the multicolored sky and they would be blessed for eternity.
The Memory Tree reached up into the ether to touch the stars and spin down the colors to honor their union.
For days she worried that the Memory Tree would not give them the blessing. If no color had painted the sky then they could not be joined.
As night fell the ooh's and ahh's from the gathered inhabitants of Elose was brought to a cry of wonder as the moon Meman rose bathed in color. This was something that had not happened since the time of the first Traveler. So this was to be a counted event in the book of the Travelers.
Sky stood there and stared out the window seeing the moon hanging low like a painted marble. She was The Traveler and she knew that tonight the war would be forgotten for a moment and they all would revel in the joy that Alex and she shared.
The people of Elose now knew that a human Traveler had been accepted by the council and now by the Gods and Goddesses of the realm. This was something that had plagued her since she came to Elose by way of Earth.

"Sky...are you ready?" a female voice floated to her ears and she slowly turned to see Alex's mother standing there smiling. She was so very beautiful with flowing blond hair to her ankles and bright blue eyes. She could see where Alex got his good looks from but not his coloring. His black as night hair and dark blue eyes mirrored his father's Haladin look, which was as exotic as she could imagine.

"I am...." she smiled at Filina and walked towards her.
Hope in her heart that the Tribe was able to stay away for this one night. No blood shed at her wedding. Please.

Finally UnStuck

  I finally found the breakthrough I needed for the book. I hit it last week and wrote almost 2000 words with pure passion and joy. Once I was done, wiped the sweat from my brow and looked over my work I realized I had found the pathway to the whole story. It now can unfold the way I need it to without being clunky and silly.

  I jumped up from my desk and ran through the house yelling, "I did it. I did it." Scared the hell out of my cat who jumped down from his perch on a chair to slam into the closed sliding glass door. Poor thing. I guess my excitement was not thrilling for him.

  I will have to work hard to keep this story from taking me over.
  It will test my will power.
  It will make me sad. Resentful. Passionate. Joyful. Loving. Angry.
  It will send me into a twisty, winding path of emotions but it will be good. This is a good way for me to get these things out of my heart, mind and soul. To get the story out the way I wanted.

  Love, a treacherous path that can be laden with brambles and thorns but at the end of the path is the rainbow where dreams do come true.

 Allow me, Universe, to arrive at the end of the rainbow where I may have my dreams.
 Allow me to love.