Of course there are times when I want to be hard, mean, simply a bitch but I find that I am not capable. So I do tend to get the short end of the stick sometimes. Perhaps my spine is not stiff enough sometimes and I do allow emotion to rule me a little too much. I am an empathic after all.....it is hard not to feel. I do try.
I am sharing this bit of writing because it is a piece of my mind while it was in a contemplative mood. At this time I am in a different place than I was at the time of the self discovery I wrote below but it is interesting to see how growth can change perceptions.
My new perception is born of a lot of communicating with those who love me and their desire to make me understand that I am ok. Me, this person as I am...talking and all...is awesome, lovable, desirable and wonderful. Why is that so hard to understand? Because it seems women are wired to be self depreciating. We must stop and know our own worth. We need to be able to pat ourselves on the back once in a while and know we are loved regardless of the situation.
Amazing realizations to be sure.
Enjoy.
*********************************************************************************
Reading a thread on a message board today got me thinking
about my own adventures and behavior surrounding them. The poster of the thread
was dealing with similar issues in which I have found myself in and so my mind
began to wander back to one time when I was challenged with ‘the way I am’.
When one walks upon a new path in life there will be rough patches that one must tread through carefully, there will be steep climbs where you think you may not make it to the top and then there are those joyous romps in the meadow where all is sunshine and flowers. I think at one point I became a little over enthusiastic over those flowers within a meadow. But then it was a new thing for me, the first foray into unknown, untested realms and I did not know how to behave, how to interact, how to calm down or how to even get my point across without being pushy or overbearing. When I look backwards I realize that sure, there were mistakes made all around but the hardest part for me to reconcile was the fact that I was not given a chance to explain myself nor redeem myself. That took the wind out of my sails for quite some time. I felt as if I had done some irreparable thing with just being as I am.
When one walks upon a new path in life there will be rough patches that one must tread through carefully, there will be steep climbs where you think you may not make it to the top and then there are those joyous romps in the meadow where all is sunshine and flowers. I think at one point I became a little over enthusiastic over those flowers within a meadow. But then it was a new thing for me, the first foray into unknown, untested realms and I did not know how to behave, how to interact, how to calm down or how to even get my point across without being pushy or overbearing. When I look backwards I realize that sure, there were mistakes made all around but the hardest part for me to reconcile was the fact that I was not given a chance to explain myself nor redeem myself. That took the wind out of my sails for quite some time. I felt as if I had done some irreparable thing with just being as I am.
One thing I do know about myself is that I am a communicator. I tend to write out how I feel, discuss at length the possibilities or want my answers. When I was playing in this meadow I realized at that one point I was perhaps over-communicating with someone who is not a communicator, and that is a challenge within itself. I was trying to make my point without even considering another’s way of communicating and it all went awry. Once I stepped out of the meadow, well….was pushed out of the meadow, I slipped into a deep melancholy.
These new emotions I was experiencing brought forth a well of
creativity I had not experienced since I was into free form role playing years
ago. I was able to write with a deep, emotional connection and it was an
incredible experience. Being a quick learner I realized I needed to get these thoughts
out there so I found a medium where I was able to do this. I was able to put
forth my feelings, was able to over communicate without worrying about being
annoying as it was a choice to read the writing or not. Then as I purged, dug
deep into my feelings and thoughts, I realized that my writing had an opposite
effect in another meadow. Again I found myself climbing the steep pathway of a
mountain, slipping and scraping along trying to figure out what I did wrong
again with being ‘as I am’.
This thread I was reading eluded to that the gal was too much of a talker, too arrogant and such. So I paused to ask myself: am I that way? Do I talk too much? Do I push too much? Am I arrogant? Am I just too different to fit anywhere?
The fear slipped in as I began to take a long critical look at myself through the eyes of others. Now, a caveat here: I do not mold my life around what others think of me unless they are important people in my life. So when I am looking at myself through the eyes of others I am seeing if I am pushing people away inadvertently with unlikeable behavior. I am not modifying who I am to make people like me. Either you do or do not like me at my core level; if that is something you cannot handle then move along.
It is not an easy thing to look at one self in a critical manner and I do not mean low self-esteem self-bashing way, I mean in a deep, behavioral way. This is where the mirror of oneself gets harsh. One has to ask themselves while they look in the mirror: Am I a good person? Is my behavior hurting people? Am I driving people away with too much information at once? Am I being not being respectful of others boundaries?
Once I stepped away I saw yes, I was too over enthusiastic in that flowery meadow but was never given a chance to calm down. I pretty much was left to hang myself with my own rope. It was a painful lesson but then a good lesson for I learned not to open up so easily to people, to guard myself a little better. As much as I hate to do this, as much as I do not like closing my book for I am an open person, I feel I must for the pain I went through is not worth repeating. I also realized that I may be ok with who I am, others may not be and I need to be respectful of that.
I also realized that my over enthusiasm and constant talking within my own meadow did make for an uncomfortable time for others. I then realized that a selfish streak was emerging and that is definitely not who I am. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, pain, whatever it was at that moment that I did not stop to see what I was doing to my own meadow. That is where the climb got to be tough and while I may still be climbing I am starting to see blue skies.
I did ask myself all the other hard questions and good things did emerge. I am a good person. I care for others way more than I do myself. I worry about how others feel, especially if I am directly involved. This is where I did find my behavior does affect others and that is now something I am very careful and mindful of. I found yes, I do push too much and at times talk too much. I have learned now to keep my cards close to my chest, reveal my inner most feelings only when I feel safe to do so and then allow things to progress at their natural, organic pace.
Life is about experiencing what is around you. A tactile touching of it all, feeling the textures of it slide over your soul. A sea of wild sounds, sights and wonderful tastes that can overwhelm if one is not careful. It can carry you away on wild waves of intense passion but in an instant you can be drowned in a lashing storm. I have been blessed enough with people in my life who know me for who I am, accept me for who I am and will always (eventually) listen. They are watching me shift perceptions; modify beliefs and behaviors so that all are happy. For my only goal in life is to take care of those I love.
To me love does make the world go round. And now with my new found lessons under my belt I am able to see my pathway through those rose colored glasses but without the naivety. I cannot predict the future but at least I am better prepared to take on what happens along the way. I think the work I am doing on my own self will make me a better person all around and isn’t that the main goal in any life? To be the best, most authentic person you can be and live this wonderful life to its fullest without regret. Live long and prosper.
This thread I was reading eluded to that the gal was too much of a talker, too arrogant and such. So I paused to ask myself: am I that way? Do I talk too much? Do I push too much? Am I arrogant? Am I just too different to fit anywhere?
The fear slipped in as I began to take a long critical look at myself through the eyes of others. Now, a caveat here: I do not mold my life around what others think of me unless they are important people in my life. So when I am looking at myself through the eyes of others I am seeing if I am pushing people away inadvertently with unlikeable behavior. I am not modifying who I am to make people like me. Either you do or do not like me at my core level; if that is something you cannot handle then move along.
It is not an easy thing to look at one self in a critical manner and I do not mean low self-esteem self-bashing way, I mean in a deep, behavioral way. This is where the mirror of oneself gets harsh. One has to ask themselves while they look in the mirror: Am I a good person? Is my behavior hurting people? Am I driving people away with too much information at once? Am I being not being respectful of others boundaries?
Once I stepped away I saw yes, I was too over enthusiastic in that flowery meadow but was never given a chance to calm down. I pretty much was left to hang myself with my own rope. It was a painful lesson but then a good lesson for I learned not to open up so easily to people, to guard myself a little better. As much as I hate to do this, as much as I do not like closing my book for I am an open person, I feel I must for the pain I went through is not worth repeating. I also realized that I may be ok with who I am, others may not be and I need to be respectful of that.
I also realized that my over enthusiasm and constant talking within my own meadow did make for an uncomfortable time for others. I then realized that a selfish streak was emerging and that is definitely not who I am. I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, pain, whatever it was at that moment that I did not stop to see what I was doing to my own meadow. That is where the climb got to be tough and while I may still be climbing I am starting to see blue skies.
I did ask myself all the other hard questions and good things did emerge. I am a good person. I care for others way more than I do myself. I worry about how others feel, especially if I am directly involved. This is where I did find my behavior does affect others and that is now something I am very careful and mindful of. I found yes, I do push too much and at times talk too much. I have learned now to keep my cards close to my chest, reveal my inner most feelings only when I feel safe to do so and then allow things to progress at their natural, organic pace.
Life is about experiencing what is around you. A tactile touching of it all, feeling the textures of it slide over your soul. A sea of wild sounds, sights and wonderful tastes that can overwhelm if one is not careful. It can carry you away on wild waves of intense passion but in an instant you can be drowned in a lashing storm. I have been blessed enough with people in my life who know me for who I am, accept me for who I am and will always (eventually) listen. They are watching me shift perceptions; modify beliefs and behaviors so that all are happy. For my only goal in life is to take care of those I love.
To me love does make the world go round. And now with my new found lessons under my belt I am able to see my pathway through those rose colored glasses but without the naivety. I cannot predict the future but at least I am better prepared to take on what happens along the way. I think the work I am doing on my own self will make me a better person all around and isn’t that the main goal in any life? To be the best, most authentic person you can be and live this wonderful life to its fullest without regret. Live long and prosper.
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