I Wish That Night was Infinite

She stood at the ocean's edge staring out over the water that rushed at her over and over. A constant, soothing sound, the waves that she finally felt as if she was anchored to the ground.
She had run away from what troubled her and this is where she ended up.
Over 800 miles away from her home in the mountains to stand on the beach where she grew up as a child.
Her heart ached for the loss, for something she wished she could have known more of but she now knew it was not meant to be. He had chosen another and turned his back to her.
A pain of loss and a sense of weariness washed over her but this was to be her healing, a final healing for her battle worn soul.

"I wish that night was infinite, that the emotions we felt at that very moment were preserved forever. All those hurried kisses and frantic "I love you's" had no need to rush if they knew there was no such concept as 'time'. There would have been no need for hugs that were too tight, as if desperately grabbing onto a love that's fleeting. Like a video on replay, we'd be living the same scene, holding the same feelings, staring into the same eyes, again and again and again."

She whispered softly to the waves as they rolled up the sand to her feet.
She remembered his kisses, they were seared to her soul. The way his hands felt sliding over her skin and how tightly he held her as if she would disappear in an instant.
They were special together, they just did not get the time to really get to know the depth of their souls.
If they had.......there would be no parting them.

The waves continued, as they would for eternity, and she knew her love for him would eternally flow through her soul just the same.

Late Night Conversations

Late night conversations.
We have had some really good ones, in some very interesting conversations.
I love the look in your eyes when you get passionate about a subject.
I loved how you listen to me with all of your attention.

Your arms around me in those tight hugs were heaven.
You have no idea how I wanted to bury my face in your shirt and inhale.
To get high on your scent.

Your hands on my hips as we listened, waited, and all I wanted to do was lay my lips along the curve of your neck.
Feel you shiver underneath me.
Dart my tongue out to taste your skin that was so tantalizingly close.

Inside I melt and tremble at the thought of being in your arms again.
Being the one that your eyes latch onto with desire and need.
I want to please you.
I want to be the one who makes you smile.
I want to make you happy.

I miss having late night conversations with you.
I simply miss all of you.

Where Are You Now

She sat in her chair in the desert staring up at the night sky.
Stars twinkled above and satellites zoomed by on their endless orbit of our world.

The binoculars sat in her lap forgotten as she felt sadness wash over her.
Someone else should be here with her, sitting in a chair right beside her, looking at the same sky.
They were to share adventures. They were to share this night together.
But he went silent.
He pulled away from the intensity of what had come before and left her with her own thoughts.

Their souls had connected.
He did not know what to do.
And so he left.

"Where are you now. Do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd."
She whispered to the stars knowing she would never get an answer.

"I think of you...every day and I miss you."

Never Us

you and me and never us;
     a complicated
                 series of
almost interactions,

        where we never touch
and only our eyes graze one another as we pass.

Longings that flow through
   us
       like whispers of something lost on a summer day.

         What if I reached out to brush your hand
as we almost interacted?
would you
                       flinch?
stare?       speak?     
         run....
run away from the wild sensations that would attack your skin.
That would make my skin flush with desire....

desire like that one time...

long
      long
              ago....

Once upon a time......

Women and Emotions

A very true statement which I have seen in action more than once.
A woman needs to be soft and caring when it is required of her but not when it is inconvenient for another.
Emotions are considered something to run away from rather than face.
Then there is a gal such as myself who feels her own emotions and then everyone else's as well.

Tell me what in the hell do I do with that?

I have been called out on 'emotions' before and I wonder, what does it mean to be 'emotional'?
It means that you are staring at someone you care for. That person has brought up something within you that you wish to share.
Whether it be frustration, passion, love or pain you want to share it with another human being who may listen, comfort and make you feel better or perhaps they will slap you down as you make them uncomfortable.

Funny, I have never been a drama filled thing.
But there has been one that brought out the wild, weeping, crazy that we all have within us.
Was I proud of it? Hell no. But did I feel what they were feeling? Hell yes.
Do I understand now that some of what was happening was their emotional roller coaster taking me for a ride?
Yes.

I hopped off that wild ride, though I wished to stay on, I did not have anyone to hold my hand through the scary parts.
Now I stand as an emotional woman, unafraid and unashamed to say yes I feel.
Yes I will feel deeply.
I will be a basket case at times.
I will be a banshee.
But with all that comes the most amazing, understanding, awesome woman you would ever wish to know.

I know my worth.
Took me a while to find it but I have it firmly within me now.
Right in my basket with my stuffed banshee right beside it.

Now come...let's play. ;)

At Some Point

   A glance to her phone and nothing yet again. Her heart sank into the ground and she let out a loud sigh of pain. She hated his silences, hated how he pulled away just when they got closer. She had an idea of why he did such things, it was protection but he knew he did not have to protect himself from her. She understood his position, understood what he needed and what she needed was his friendship. Being with him was wonderful. She felt accepted and listened to. They clicked so easily and it had been that way from the very first moment they met. A distinct attachment to one another and they became fast friends.
She adored his smile. Adored the way he teased. Wished there was more between them and she felt he did to but they had come to the conclusion such a union would not be wise.
This last time they had spent time together something shifted within them and deep realizations had come out.
She hoped something would blossom and as it started to he shut her off.
It hurt to be ignored by someone you cared so much for. He was a part of her and that would never change. They were bound by something beyond their understanding. It was scary, yes, but if....only but if.
She sighed again and looked at her phone. Should she call him? Should she email him?
Something inside her shifted and she feared she would lose him forever. She seemed desperate and while she was inside, she did not need to tell him this.
Goddess, she missed him so very much. She wanted to be in his arms again, smoothing her hands over his back to chase away any bad memories or feelings. She wanted to be his buffer to the world and she wanted him to be her rock. The one person she could count on for anything.
The quote stood out to her and it made her heart ache.
What is truly yours would eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Tears streamed down her face as she lay down to try and forget someone she considered unforgettable.

Mad at Myself

   Overwhelmed she pushed out of the cool building into the bright, hot summer afternoon. A day like this with a bright blue sky and not a cloud in the sky should have made her feel wonderful but today only a feeling of frustration filled her soul. She hated arguing with him, hated the way they seemed to always crash into one another when they tried to talk and she was done.
She had to be or she would go insane.

"Would you wait!" a voice floated to her on the windy, hot day and fear washed over her sharply. A glance back to see him rushing after her, a frown on his face and she knew she just did not want to have this conversation.

The emotions were too strong. She felt too much. She needed to drink until she could not feel anymore.

She shook her head and continued onward through the parking lot towards her car.
Once she reached the car she turned to see him right there, anger blazing in his eyes and she stepped back bumping against the car.

"What the hell are you mad for! I swear this is why I run the fuck away from you and your crazy emotions." he raged.

His anger, his love, his frustration buffeted her like a storm and it lashed her soul with its intensity. She wished she could lay her hands on him, heal those open wounds he had on his heart and make him see the true path that they had before them. But he would not take that. He was arrogant, strong and stubborn. He also lacked the vision to see past what he wanted in the moment and she wondered why he stood before her now when he had what he chose, what he wanted other than her.

"I'm mad at myself, not you."
she said in a whisper and she watched him freeze, his eyes widening and the anger slipping off his face.

"I'm mad for always  being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, forgiving you, dreaming of you..."
by the end of the sentence her voice was loud and strong. Un-shed tears in her eyes as she watched him stand there mute with pain on his face.
She shook her head and then took a deep breath, cutting off his words with a raised hand.

"But most of all, for not hating you for which I know I should but I... just....can't."
The last word came out as a soft whisper of pain and the tears streamed down her face.
She had admitted her weakness.
She stood, waiting for the condemnation or for the gentle words she knew he had within her.
Which ones would come?
She had no idea but she needed to have her say, to speak her truth and be free.

I See You

There comes a time when we must turn our attention inward to grow.
We must take the step backwards, turn our back, shut the phone off, shut down the social site and take a deep breath to face the panic down.
We are addicted to knowing what everyone is doing, thinking, and saying that we make ourselves crazy with over thinking.
Once we take that step back, gather our thoughts, we allow our intuition to show us that our first impression was correct.
Regardless of what was said, done, we know. We know the truth.

To get more in tune with that statement....I am the truth.
I learned that this weekend. I am simply the truth. Whatever the truth is for you, I am that very thing.
An arrogant statement to be sure, but it does take some arrogance to love another with such arrogance.
I am sitting here smiling as I can just see the arrogant smirk you would have your face if you read this. It does give me joy to know that you can still smile.
Regardless if I am the one making you smile or not, it's just important that you smile.
Smile. Laugh. Run through the sprinklers but watch for the bees.

Let's say I have had an epiphany. I know when someone is placed in my path I can't do anything more than be whatever I can for that person, in that moment.
How ever long that moment lasts, I will always try to be the best in that moment.
I will be what you need in that moment.
I had hoped we would have more than just a couple of moments, but the ones we did have, were spectacular. In passion. In frustration. In laughter. In pain.
All were special. All were what we needed in that moment.

You ever wonder why a chance meeting would be so insane?
How did we get there? Were we driven together by some unseen force?
Yes, you were pushed in my path by your angels and mine laughed with riotous joy to see the look on our faces.
They love a good laugh, our guardians, our spirit guides.
They know what we need, that is why they are with us; to guide us to those whom we need.
They know us. Hell, we chose them to guide us on our karmic journey to ever higher learning, love and joy.

Strange how we just clicked.
We know one another. We knew one another. We will know one another again.
In this lifetime?
Perhaps.
I can only dream that we do not need to wait another lifetime.

What it all boils down to, this little piece of me, is that I seek only joy and love.
I wish to give only joy and love.
I know it's not that simple. I know life gets in the way. I know we make decisions in the moment and we stick to our path.
(Of course I wanted you to deviate to my path...I know I am greedy but I just can't help it for when once tastes something so delicious, that makes a soul go all a quiver, you are addicted.)

I  hope I was able to do something to give you clarity, to lift you in a moment of doubt or to give you the shock of your life. (You did that to me...shocked me out of my inward, downward spiral...I thank you and your angels for that)
I wish you only happiness, love and joy.
I know you care.
I want you to know I care as well.

Know this: I see you.....I see who you are without the walls, without the arrogance, without the pain.
I see you; the loving, giving soul with the most adorable smile.
I hope to see that smile, directed at me again someday.
Until then; live well my love.

Namaste

Fanciful Thoughts

Sometimes I get into a fanciful mood.
I love to day dream and think of things of how they could have been.
I write down my thoughts. Innocent. Heated. Romantic. Lusty. Angry. Sad. Joyful.
Sometimes they are what the day has brought.
Sometimes they are just random thoughts.
I see a picture, such as the one above and my mind spins.
Such as....

On a cool night we lay under the arch and stare at the milky way above us.
The arch is dark and looms above like a sentinel to the stars.
Your hand tangles in mine as we revel in the silence around us.
The world has ceased to exist and only you and I matter.
The feel of your hand in mine; strong and tender at the same time.
Our day had been filled with sand, heat of the sun and love.
Our night will be filled with rock, cool starlight on our skin and love.

Give me your hand and allow me to show you love and the world as I know it.
Take my hand and show me your love and the world as you know it.

Let us go on a grand adventure.
Let go of those things that are bad for us.
That tear our hearts to pieces.
That bring our eyes to the ground in sadness.
And let us rejoice in love that is strong and wild.

Let us brave the winters together before the fire.
Let us tend the gardens of our springs.

Let us be.

Let us dream.

Love That We Cannot Have

Oh yeah she remembered the conversation and of course it shattered all her little fantasies.
Goodness it was like having someone pop your joyful red balloon in your face and the shock did not seem to wear off.

All she wanted was to experience more of him.
Yes, him.
The taste. The feel. The depth of desire was astounding and she wanted to roll around in that sensation until she was completely filthy with it.
Wanted to push him to his knees and have him begging for more.
Then in the next breath she wanted to be underneath him begging for more.
Great Goddess she was a greedy bitch who wanted him.
It was so easy to put him in the center of her fantasies. To see those dark eyes filled with that hunger for her that set all her parts quivering.
She knew he yearned for her. He had a craving that she would satisfy, over and over again.

Then she heard the truth.

It shattered those day dreams into sad little playthings she wrote about with sadness in her eyes.

She realized she was just standing in the bookstore staring at the journals before her and had not moved a muscle in a few minutes.
Her cheeks burning she glanced around to see if anyone saw her there acting so oddly.
Acting like a foolish, stupid girl lost in a fantasy

A black journal with a red heart on the front lay on the shelf looking at her with a mournful air.
Grabbing a pen from her purse she snatched up the journal.
Hands trembling she opened to the first page and began to write in red:

The love that we cannot have
is the one that lasts the longest, hurts the deepest, and feels the strongest.

She closed the journal, one tear sliding down her cheek which she wiped away angrily and tossed the journal to the shelf.
Then she turned and walked out of the store.
Leaving the words behind as testimony of her soul.

I Think of You

   He stood frozen in the hallway watching her walk away from him. He had hung back, not wanting her to see him and he felt ashamed inside for this. Things went so damn wrong. Choices made and now he stood watching what could have been. Damn. Just so complicated. She had made him lose his mind and go a little crazy.
Hell who was he kidding. His life was off the rails crazy and she was the calm, safe place in the storm.
The desire he had for her was amazing. Beyond anything he had ever experienced and the most insane fucking thing of all; she had felt the same.
But yet he made his choice.
He slid a hand through his hair, sighing heavily and feeling pain wash through his soul.

"Fuck." he said aloud then headed down the hallway feeling confused and flustered.

He sat up in bed, the dream making him tremble with desire and painful memories. His heart pounding he glanced to the clock by his bedside and it was barely after 1am.
Hopelessness washed over him and he felt as if he were living an empty life with shallow trappings all around.
He might look happy and will vehemently defend his position, his relationship  and his way of life but deep inside he was miserable.
Overwhelmed he sat there in the darkness. Pain washed though his soul.
He wanted to tell her. He wanted to explain more. tell her how he felt and why he was doing what he was doing. She was so sweet and had always been willing to befriend him no matter her pain.
Selfless, that was what she was.
Right then he made a decision. With a stab of fear in his heart he went with his intuition.
He would deal with whatever came next with no anger nor fear.

Her mouth hung open at the email from him. She read it aloud to herself with a waver in her voice and happy, un-shed tears in her eyes.

I think of you.
I just can't talk to you right now.
I miss you.
I just can't admit it right now.
I need you.
I just can't show you right now.
I love you.
I just can't tell you right now.

She had no idea what to do with those words but she knew it was time to allow whatever happened to him just keep going naturally. When the timing was right for them then all would be well.
Just knowing he cared. Just knowing that she was on his mind was a salve to all her wounds.
She wished she could lay a sweet kiss to his lips and love him as he deserved.
He cared. That was all that mattered.

Mad Passionate Love

She could not take her eyes from his.
Drowning in the dark passion within she felt her soul quake with knowing.
He was going to touch her. Claim her.
His skin would touch hers and she would dissolve into liquid heat.

Her tongue slid along her lower lip as he approached.
Stalking her.
She wanted to be taken down like prey.
Wanted his passion to be wild and untamed.

Goose flesh sprung out all over her skin in anticipation.
She had to move. Had to or explode.
One step towards him. Oblivious to all that was around..
Her fingertips finally met his and their hands entwined.

Nothing gentle here. Just fierce desire.
A whisper from his lips that said, "Mine."
Then he claimed her.
Lips crashing down to make her submit to his will.

Her free hand slid into his hair and tangled there.
Glorious tremors of desire washed over her skin.
His tongue sliding into her mouth and she met his with her own.
Tasting him and reveling in coming home.

His body molded to hers and she felt his taunt desire.
Hands all free now and needing to touch more.
Exploring skin so they could melt as one.
Lost in the rediscovery of one another. It had been so long.

He was a master thief.
He had stolen her heart years ago.
Now today he stole her breath.
She was lost within the sensations of mad passionate love.

Consequences

 


"You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices." she read the quote aloud and then turned to her friend who sat on the couch behind her.

"I believe that part is forgotten when people make choices that will affect other people. It amazes me how someone will do something they feel they deserve, they justify it in every way they can, twisting and bending the facts to fit their scenario. It is disgusting. I swear for months I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had pushed him to do this thing to me and I did nothing of the sort. I was open, honest and was very aware of what disturbed him. I walked on eggshells, trying to be that 'good person' but when one's intuition steps up there is no denying the truth."
A soft sigh escaped her and she looked at her friend.

"You did nothing wrong. You need to remember that and not get down on yourself. You did not hold a gun to his head to go do what he did." her friend said with a nod.

"Yeah I know, but it still sucks to have someone you have been with for so long stare you in the eyes and lie. Luckily I am a lie detector." she snorted then sighed again shaking her head.
"I do not like that I feel so much. I always knew when and where. It was like a warning system in my soul that was telling me I was being played."

She stood and paced to the window, still speaking.

"You know I just found out that I actually was being compared to this person. Intellectually I get it, I understand sometimes you need to question everything in your life. But hell, it was tough to hear. I have always been the one who was never good enough and here I was trying to be the best person I could be. So understanding and kind, even when I had a boot on my neck telling me I could not do that or this and he was doing whatever the hell he wanted. That really pisses me off. But I feel he took advantage of me and my understanding nature. He took advantage of our years together. And how in the hell do I compete with someone who is just doing everything he wants?"

She said angrily and turned to her friend.

"I mean, really? How I do I compete with someone who is doing everything I won't. Who is being the perfect woman, being awesome and bending to all his requests. We are all attractive when we are on our best and most shiny behavior but how about when things are really down in the trenches? How about those sick days? Annoyance days? Days where you just look like shit, feel like shit and don't give a shit? Those are the days when you accept the person for who they are, blemishes and all and love them regardless."

Her friend nods and listens intently and the tirade continues.

"If you are unhappy, then leave. Do not lie. Do not do things to others that has lasting damage. No matter what, we all get unhappy with the one we are with from time to time but that person did not have the right to come in and try to undo all the years of work we had. Ups and downs come and go and for someone to take advantage of that is disgusting. Then where am I now? I am this mistrusting, scared of my shadow thing who thinks that one wrong move is going to make everything crumble. I know all the drama is over but hell, really? For real?  For all I know I am just being duped for a third, fucking time."

Shaking her head she turns to the window and controls herself.

"Then I am in a place of what do I do now. I am half way gone and feel like I should give it a chance but how do I ever feel better? I do not think people realize that the one who gets cheated on is damaged. No matter if they were perfect or an asshole or a bitch, they still feel like they were just not good enough. Not even worth the respect to be let go before they were squashed by 'love'. Fuck love. Now I get to try to heal myself and figure out if I am going to make it past my own stupid insecurities. Damn, don't people get it? Hurting someone in such a way is not worth it, ever. Not for your ego, your dick or anything of the sort. Finish your business and then go out and do what you want with a free conscious. I mean hell, how does one cheat in an open marriage? I guess it takes a specific level of fucked up to do it. And of course....its my fault. Don't you love that? Cause I did not 'like' his choice. Fuck that. I don't like women who cheat for they will never be satisfied. Good hell did he not think that if she had the balls to lie to her husband, that she would lie to him as well? Oh wait, he got to hear everything he wanted to hear. Only perfection was there. Only the good stuff and I will do anything for you. Oh my hell. Its truly sickening. Now I know one thing; do not trust anyone."

She stood staring out the window, tears streaming down her face and she knew she needed to get a grip but it did feel good to vent. It felt useless to stir inside and not say a word. She was speaking out and she would do what was right for her for once. She felt as if she was a failure and all she did was try to make his life what he needed it to be. She was done. She was a giving, caring, loving person and she had been kicked one too many times this past year.
She was done taking it from anyone and now she would just go get what she wanted.
With integrity of course.

Please

  This time she wanted to come out on top. Was that a selfish wish? There were days she felt as if wanting what she wanted was a selfish act. She felt that her life was only supposed to be filled with second place finishes and left behind memories.
  Picking up the blue pen she wrote another please among the other multicolored words on the napkin before her.
  Please, over and over again she wrote on the white napkin, the green, blue, purple, red and black ink sinking through and spreading the words into fat characters. The ink gave each please its own life and she looked over each word, thinking of it as an individual entity that had its own little life story to tell.
Her finger ran over a curly purple please and this one was a happy please as it was dwelling in a good memory and wanted more of that experience. The blocky, please underneath the purple one was black as night. It seemed to dwell within its own darkness and painful memories. This was a please that needed to be moved into the purple haze.

  Her gaze lifted to look out the coffee shop window and she wondered what she needed to do now. She wanted to get on with life but something kept her in this place. This stuck, dark and sometimes bright life where she was just a passing fancy. She felt alarm when she could not feel anymore, no sorrow nor real joy touched her soul and then she found herself unable to dream. Night was filled with darkness and quiet. It was as if she stepped off the world into some dark abyss of sadness.

  The napkin represented her heartfelt desire to be found worth by someone.
 
  "Please, let me get what I want this time." she whispered softly to the napkin. Then she rose and left the shop.

   The napkin lay in the center of the table, a testament to her will to continue onward. To never forget the one she desired above all else but she would go forth with her wishes, her day dreams and her hope that someday she would get what she wanted.

Illusion

 Dreamers have expectations and that will always get them into trouble.

How would it be to live without those expectations?
To go about the day just reveling in what is there in front of us.
To have those experiences every moment of every day.
It would be a magnificent day.

Living in illusion is a mistake.
A desperate need to live in that dream and wander around in the perfection that resides there.
Once you are yanked out of that dream place you wander the world foggy and unfocused.
Then when reality sets in you are devastated.
An overwhelming feeling comes over you to run back to that dream world.
It does not hurt there. You are not rejected there. You are chosen there.

So the panicky feeling settles into the pit of your stomach as you watch the world spin by. You are frustrated because you cannot so easily just step back onto the carousel of life.
Your inner demons say you are just not good enough.
You need to breakup with ego and not be afraid.

After some time you settle down, find your way back and soon you are encouraged by something or someone.

Once that encouragement settles in you are able to see the big picture.
Oh yes, you know the truth and that lifts you up just enough to feel confident once again.

Go forth with a cheerful, loving heart.
Always know illusion from reality.
But don't give up your dreams, keep your seat firmly on the horse on the carousel.

I Am So Glad You Are Here

If I ever push you away, I don't mean to. When I tell you I don't want to talk about it I do, I am just looking for the right words.
Give me a minute, and if I can tell you; I will.
I try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect at the same time.
At the moment I am working on the ratio.
When I get really quiet sometimes it is because I have too much to say, I have thought of too many things to tell you all at once and I don't know what to say first.
I get immaturely jealous of anyone who gets to see you on a daily basis.
I miss you really easily, but I also like that we can be apart and we are both okay.
Space is good, too.
I love the way we love some of the same things and I love how we love entirely different things.
My head is a complicated pile of thoughts, and fears, and cravings, and dreams, and this tangled up nostalgia for the past and, somehow, the future.
I am flawed and I am human and I am broken and I am trying and I am one person and I am two hands and I am one heart.
And I love you and I am so glad you are here.

   She stood in the parking lot beside her car, reading the letter for the second time as tears began to blur the words. Turning around she looked for his truck but did not see it anywhere and she wondered how he knew where to find her. He never seemed to pay attention to those things but perhaps that is what she thought and it was not the truth.
One hand lifted to brush the tears streaming down her cheeks.
She thought he had left once again to that silent place where he kept himself busy and away from her. Away from her arms around him, laughter over the silly things and deep discussions.
She knew he was a deep thinker, he had always been one and it was what she loved so much about him. Such a simple man but so very complex.
This she knew for real now.
Her gaze went back to the line that kept her attention the most; I love you and I am so glad you are here.
Great Goddess, was that even real?
There it was in black and white.
Another glance around, sweat trickled down her back from the summer heat and she nibbled at her lower lip worriedly. What to do now?
Do I call him? Do I write back?
A nervous shiver washed over her.

What to do now.

Unsaid Sentences

    It had been a while since she had seen him and an even longer while since she had talked with him.
So much was said and then there were things that were left unsaid and unfinished. It was like one day there was a hopeful light, then it dimmed to a struggling flame and finally darkness descended.
Why?
She had her ideas. She knew there was caring, it had always been there. Why tell someone the truth when you don't care, you tell the truth because you do care. It was that simple.
Sometimes people get into a place where they cannot, or will not, process more than one emotion at a time. They get lost in a dream, a fantasy, and they hold on with all that they have. It was unimaginable to lose such a dream.
She had done that; held on to a dream that she did not realize, until it was too late, that she never had a chance.
Oh sure, that little scenario left a few bruises on the heart but healing came.
It came and she had to realize that you cannot hold onto something that just did not want to sit still in your space.
Did she feel like a fool?
Indeed she did and there was her reason for going away. Shutting down places, friends, and the such to go and hide with cheeks burning. Yeah, she was a fool.
But now after all this time her natural happiness and optimism came forth. She smiled a lot these days and realized it was time to be grateful for what you had for a brief moment rather than bemoan that which you did not receive.
She knew that there may have been resistance, but there was also the point where he would have given in and what kind of person would she be if she pushed for that?
Not a good one. A person who values love, commitment, should never insert herself into some ones life and disrupt what they are trying to cultivate with another.
So she took her cue and took the exit, stage left.

   A soft sigh escaped her as she shook herself out of her stupor. It was Friday and quitting time, so why was she still sitting at her desk staring at nothing.
Cause she was a silly, fanciful girl who kept day dreaming about that which cannot be.
Her mind tended to wander to the melancholy at times due to those lost times. She had to remind herself to look at the bright side.

   A thought came to her and she dragged her notepad to her before the thought could flit away from her tired mind. She began to write and the words flowed from her like the water that flowed under her flaming bridge.

Sometimes
I forget that unsaid sentences don't mean unfelt emotions.
That not everyone can, or will, or wants to
spill it all out like me.
Sometimes
I forget that crossed arms don't mean keep away,
but come closer, open them,
be those arms crossed tight
and hold me the same.

   Pen tossed aside she gathered her things and left for the day. The paper remained on her desk so that when she came into work the next time she would be reminded of those things.
Unsaid sentences don't mean unfelt emotions.