Consequences

 


"You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices." she read the quote aloud and then turned to her friend who sat on the couch behind her.

"I believe that part is forgotten when people make choices that will affect other people. It amazes me how someone will do something they feel they deserve, they justify it in every way they can, twisting and bending the facts to fit their scenario. It is disgusting. I swear for months I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had pushed him to do this thing to me and I did nothing of the sort. I was open, honest and was very aware of what disturbed him. I walked on eggshells, trying to be that 'good person' but when one's intuition steps up there is no denying the truth."
A soft sigh escaped her and she looked at her friend.

"You did nothing wrong. You need to remember that and not get down on yourself. You did not hold a gun to his head to go do what he did." her friend said with a nod.

"Yeah I know, but it still sucks to have someone you have been with for so long stare you in the eyes and lie. Luckily I am a lie detector." she snorted then sighed again shaking her head.
"I do not like that I feel so much. I always knew when and where. It was like a warning system in my soul that was telling me I was being played."

She stood and paced to the window, still speaking.

"You know I just found out that I actually was being compared to this person. Intellectually I get it, I understand sometimes you need to question everything in your life. But hell, it was tough to hear. I have always been the one who was never good enough and here I was trying to be the best person I could be. So understanding and kind, even when I had a boot on my neck telling me I could not do that or this and he was doing whatever the hell he wanted. That really pisses me off. But I feel he took advantage of me and my understanding nature. He took advantage of our years together. And how in the hell do I compete with someone who is just doing everything he wants?"

She said angrily and turned to her friend.

"I mean, really? How I do I compete with someone who is doing everything I won't. Who is being the perfect woman, being awesome and bending to all his requests. We are all attractive when we are on our best and most shiny behavior but how about when things are really down in the trenches? How about those sick days? Annoyance days? Days where you just look like shit, feel like shit and don't give a shit? Those are the days when you accept the person for who they are, blemishes and all and love them regardless."

Her friend nods and listens intently and the tirade continues.

"If you are unhappy, then leave. Do not lie. Do not do things to others that has lasting damage. No matter what, we all get unhappy with the one we are with from time to time but that person did not have the right to come in and try to undo all the years of work we had. Ups and downs come and go and for someone to take advantage of that is disgusting. Then where am I now? I am this mistrusting, scared of my shadow thing who thinks that one wrong move is going to make everything crumble. I know all the drama is over but hell, really? For real?  For all I know I am just being duped for a third, fucking time."

Shaking her head she turns to the window and controls herself.

"Then I am in a place of what do I do now. I am half way gone and feel like I should give it a chance but how do I ever feel better? I do not think people realize that the one who gets cheated on is damaged. No matter if they were perfect or an asshole or a bitch, they still feel like they were just not good enough. Not even worth the respect to be let go before they were squashed by 'love'. Fuck love. Now I get to try to heal myself and figure out if I am going to make it past my own stupid insecurities. Damn, don't people get it? Hurting someone in such a way is not worth it, ever. Not for your ego, your dick or anything of the sort. Finish your business and then go out and do what you want with a free conscious. I mean hell, how does one cheat in an open marriage? I guess it takes a specific level of fucked up to do it. And of course....its my fault. Don't you love that? Cause I did not 'like' his choice. Fuck that. I don't like women who cheat for they will never be satisfied. Good hell did he not think that if she had the balls to lie to her husband, that she would lie to him as well? Oh wait, he got to hear everything he wanted to hear. Only perfection was there. Only the good stuff and I will do anything for you. Oh my hell. Its truly sickening. Now I know one thing; do not trust anyone."

She stood staring out the window, tears streaming down her face and she knew she needed to get a grip but it did feel good to vent. It felt useless to stir inside and not say a word. She was speaking out and she would do what was right for her for once. She felt as if she was a failure and all she did was try to make his life what he needed it to be. She was done. She was a giving, caring, loving person and she had been kicked one too many times this past year.
She was done taking it from anyone and now she would just go get what she wanted.
With integrity of course.