She Needed Him

The sun was going down and the sky had turned a beautiful shade of pink and yellow. The snow around the parking lot was shimmering in the dusk. It was a mild winter day which had brought the one person she wanted to see for months to her at last.
Living 5 hours away was tough to bear but then he never really saw her that much outside work when he was local.
This thought stabbed her in the heart and she felt the butterflies die in her stomach. She could not reconcile at times why they were even at this junction in their friendship.
She loved him, dearly, but he could not deal with her lifestyle. Well, she assumed this by hints he dropped and off hand comments of being outside your marriage, even with permission, is not acceptable.
Understood. She got that. So she kept herself on her side of the lines he had drawn. Kept things light and remained in the friend zone. Though there were times she mushed out on him which she silently suspected he really enjoyed.
She mushed enough for both of them. It was quite funny at times.
Early in their blossoming friendship she wondered if she was just another gal pal, one of the girls who fawned over him and he just was being nice. Then as time went along she saw what she wanted to say was love or at least a fondness in his eyes for her. When he set off for his new adventure 5 hours away the heartbreak in his eyes was something she would never forget.
They stared at each other that day, just drinking in the sight of one another and imprinting their face on their memories. If only things had been different when they met. If only she was not bound to another. If only he would step outside his comfort zone and let this be an adventure.
The tears threatned her at this moment and she had to calm herself. She needed to be happy when she saw him. Not a teary mess.

A soft sigh escaped her and she leaned her head back against the seat while she waited for him to arrive. Truck was running to keep her warm but her hands were cold.
She was nervous. Never understood why the nerves kicked in when she was about to see him. It was puzzling and sometimes quite irritating.
Her gaze flicked to the truck pulling in and her heart leaped upward in tempo as she saw him pull in next to her truck.
Great Goddess, this man made her weak in the knees and made her heart flutter with love.
She was lost, completely and utterly lost.

He walked around to the driver side and she pushed the door open, grinning down at him.

"Hey you!" she said with a big smile and she reveled in the smile she was getting back as well as the twinkle of happiness in his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Hi and look at you, taller than me." he quipped with a crooked grin that always got her going.

"Yep, look at me taller than you. I kinda like this." she laughed as she smiled down at him.

He laughed then held his hands out, "Come here." he said with just the right amount of authority in his voice it sent shivers down her spine and right into her core. Good hell she would kneel to this man and that always shocked her when she thought of it.
She slightly hesitated only because there was something different here. A gleam in his eyes that she could only call determination and resolution.
The shivers turned into something deeper and tugged her heart wide open.
She slid her hands into his and he tugged, she slipped down from the truck and into his arms.

She buried her face in his chest as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that they'd find a way to be together.

Normally their hugs were quick, he used one arm like a side hug but this hug was possessive and complete. She could hear his heart hammering in his chest and she realized hers was hammering just as hard.
He squeezed her gently, his cheek resting on top of her head and she the became aware of his body was trembling slightly. What was going on and her heart flipped from elation to dread. Oh please don't let this be something bad.....Goddess....

"I have missed you so much." he whispered into her hair not letting her go from the tight hug.
"This is so hard for me to say but I can't do this anymore...no more...." his voice trailed off.

Her heart slammed into the pit of her stomach and she tried to pull away but he would not let her go. So she turned her head upward to stare into his blue eyes which were not filled with sadness or regret. They stared down into her green eyes with a mixture of fear and love. Her heart clawed its way from the abyss as a realization hit her. This was not goodbye, this was hello.

Her hand reached up to stroke his cheek. "Then let's not do this anymore..." she whispered then stood on her tip toes and pressed her lips to his.
Their first kiss, in the middle of winter in a parking lot but it was perfect.
He hestiated a moment, just a slight moment, then he was crushing her to him and deepening the kiss till her head spun.

"I love you....I know I shouldn't but I can't deny this anymore. I am tired of being lonely and missing you. So fuck it....whatever we need to do lets do it." he said with a fierce look in his eyes and her grin reappeared on her face.

"I love you too. Let's do this." she said as she pulled him down for another kiss. The soft groan that escaped him as her body molded to his was a thrill beyond anything.
She knew this would be hard. It would take work. It was not accepted. But they would be strong and for how ever long it lasted, they would cherish every moment.
She knew that this would be her epic adventure of her life.

She Knew She Was Really Sad

She knew she was really sad, when she stopped loving the things she loved.

That is how it is these days. I have this darkness that snuffs out all the light in my soul.
I want to call it depression or something clinical and think, there might be a pill, a book, a yoga pose that will dispel this dark beast within.
I know this is false.
This darkness has been my constant companion for most of my life.
It holds my hand when I sleep so I dream of being left behind.
I feel it cloud my eyes with worry when I am trying to enjoy my day.
I got to know the beast well. I knew I needed to dispel this thing within.
I tried to crush it with exercise and healthy foods and it just laughed.
Traveling. Smiling when I did not feel like it. Painting. Whoring.
Anything to find some real feeling of happiness or joy.....
and it came back.
I want to feel joy again and I cannot.
I wondered what was this beastly dark thing within my soul.

The beast is myself.
My own mind turned against me.
So that I feel alone, trapped, abandoned.

I tire of helping others. Being understanding and caring to their woes while I sit in agonized silence as my own woes beat at my tattered walls.
I feel like I could slip away into the darkness and no one would miss me.
Well, perhaps they would miss me but only miss what I can do for them.

I watch best friends lean on one another. I have no best friend.
I watch boys pick their girls. Girls pick their boys.
I watch people go out of their way, out of their comfort zones for others.
Yet here I am ..... rejected. Ignored. Silenced till I am needed to give them solace and comfort.
Then when that is done, they are feeling better, their backs are turned to me once again and I stand alone watching the world roll by.

I am weary.
Bone deep, soul aching weary.
I feel it is time to close the book on all of this and just wander away.

Just For Once

Just for once I want someone to call me because they just want to talk because they miss me.
Just for once I want someone to step outside their walls and take a chance on me.
Just for once I wish someone thought I was worth the effort.
Just for once I wish someone would tell me how much they care for me.
Just for once I wish someone saw my sadness and cared.
Just for once I wish someone would wipe away my tears.
Just for once I wish someone saw how my world is crumbling.
Just for once I want someone to be afraid of losing me.

So Much Easier

It's a setup.
A trap for the unwary heart and lonely soul.
A bright smile, gentle voice and a soul that speaks to my own as if it were made from the same batch of stardust as my own.

We met. We talked. You smiled. I fell. You didn't.
You kept your distance but then did not. You came close then danced away.
Your eyes would reveal your secrets for a brief moment and I would catch my breath and think...yes this is right, this is good, he cares. Then it would fade away into the politeness and societal norm.
My heart wanted you but circumstances would not allow us to come together.
Or am I fooling myself?
Would you cross those invisible, social lines for another?
Maybe that's it.....maybe its my old, lumpy body with the fading memory of youth clinging to its surface that has turned you away.
Perhaps you enjoy my bantering, my kindness and my beautiful green eyes but the rest...nah, just not my type.
There was nothing worth crossing the line for.
That has to be it.....or maybe not. Who knows......no one ever will for your thoughts are closed off to me. You closed yourself off to me.

Yeah that got a few prickles of tears in my eyes.

Now I go through the motions of my day trying to just be me. Normal.
But in truth....
It's so much easier to act like none of this matters and to pretend to wear a smile than confess my heart is nearly broken from losing someone who was never even mine

Feed me Bacon

Fuck this and everything with it.
Her frustration was at an epic level. Her heart pounded hard within her chest with the fear of what she had to do.
She would see him today and the truth would come out.
Fuck the consequences.So tired of living with this in her soul.
Time to tell him how she felt and if he felt he had to dump their friendship due to this revelation then so be it. His loss.

Dressed up to her best she slipped out of the truck to see him standing there watching her.
It was almost as if he knew something was up. Was it the way she walked toward him with a determined stride or was it the intensity in her eyes?
She did not care. Let him fret over it.
She noticed his narrowing of eyes and what the hell look but it was ignored as she slipped her arms around his waist to hug him tight.
She inhaled deeply to memorize his scent. This may not happen again so she was going to take advantage of it.
His arms tightened around her and with that a realization hit her. He had both arms around her this time. Normally she only got a one armed hug but tonight he hugged her tight to his tall frame.
It thrilled her to the core. That would not sway the course, no. It must be said. No matter what.

The evening came to an end and with a few drinks in them they laughed their way outside.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she knew it was time to get the show on the road.

They stopped and she looked up into his gorgeous eyes. All the determination almost fled in the light of those eyes searching hers.
No! She would not lose this opportunity. Who knew when she would see him again.

Her hands slid around his waist and she said.

"I'm going to tell you what's on my mind. What has been on my mind for quite some time."

His arms held her against him and that was making her mind muddled as he did not normally keep her close. Hell, he usually walked 3 feet away from her just so she knew he was not interested. He would not sit too close. Nor touch her. Nor compliment her.
All of those thoughts fired her up and she stared into his eyes with intensity.

"Please, tell me. I want to know." he said softly a small smile tugging at his lips.

Oh, that smirk. Did he think this was fucking funny?
"What's so funny?!" She growled up at him.

His grin broke out fully and he chuckled.
"You are so damn cute when you are mad......well you might not be mad but you are frustrated. Talk to me. I promise...I will be nice." he kept grinning at her.

Damn him. Damn him. She said over and over in her head then she decided it was now or never.

"I'm in love with you. Have been for a long time. I am not asking you to reciprocate I just need you to know."
Those words spilled out of her so fast she felt light headed.
His arms tightened on her and the smile was gone from his face.
Awww fuck, Here we go. Down to where she hoped it would not go. She could feel her heart starting to break.

One of his hands slid over her cheek and she paused in her internal drama show.

"If you don't feel I should reciprocate then what do you want me to do?" he said softly, his eyes showing a deep emotion she wanted to tag as adoration but she could not believe it so she snapped.

"Feed me bacon and chocolate and tell me I'm fucking pretty!"

He stared at her a moment then burst out laughing, hugging her tighter to his chest. She felt his lips press to the top of her head.

"Look at me little one." he lifted her chin up and she stared into eyes filled with happiness and love.

"I'm in love with you too. I can get some bacon and chocolate. Telling you are pretty...nah....cause you are fucking gorgeous."

Then before she could even respond his lips claimed hers in their first kiss.

Eye Contact

"Have you been writing lately?"
She looked up at her friend across the table and then sighed, shaking her head slowly.

"No, it just seems to be impossible to get what is bottled up in me out."
She stared down into her drink and thought, wow she did have a lot bottled up but how to get it out. Every time she tried all the words seemed small and pointless in the face of what she had to deal with. Unrequited love and her situation made it all so hard to even wrap a mind around.

"But I thought with your mind on him all the time you would have tons to write about." Her friend said.

"If it were only so easy. When I think of him its as if my mind just shuts down and the fantasy in my head is better than anything I could ever write."
She paused as one memory came to her. One day as they were sitting at dinner, a few drinks in, and they were left alone as everyone had left the table.
He had looked over at her and their eyes met. Blue and green merged and there was no mistaking the desire in hers and the need in his.
Butterflies whirled around in her stomach and she knew, that is what she should write about. How staring into his eyes changed her soul.

"Sometimes we write about things that both fascinate and terrify us. Like, for example sustained eye contact that goes on just seconds too long that'll send someone over your edges and into your bones, where you'll then stand revealed and with nowhere to hide, from that turning point in space, in connection, and time, when two separate worlds will actually collide, and you'll find yourself always remembering their eyes."
She paused to take a drink then looked at her friend with sad eyes.

"His eyes are what I should write about. Those amazing, beautiful blue eyes that stole my soul."

In his Rawest Form

Her gaze slid over to where he was standing and he heart pounded hard in her chest.
He was so tall, his eyes were so blue and that body of his made her mind jump to the naughtiest of places.
Glances between them were always heated.
Guarded, but the desire was still there but also was that dammed uncertainty.
This boy made her body thrum with desire and the thought of him leaving set her on edge. Anxiety filled her mind and her gut churned with fear that this was it.
He would leave and forget about her eventually.
She knew she was not tall and gorgeous like his ex was but damn she was short and cute as fuck. And one hell of a woman. She knew this but fuck, it was such a complicated situation.

A soft sigh left her and she kept glancing to where he still stood talking to others.
Inside her heart, intertwined with her soul. she knew he cared but he had to act as if didn't.
She got that. She understood that.
But fuck if it didn't just piss her off and hurt all at the same time.
The desire for him was not just physical, she wanted his mind set free of the chains he held it in and his body to tremble with need for her. To hear the words of love falling from his lips as he possessed her.
She wanted him in his rawest form, his rough possession claiming all of her. Soul on soul sex, branding her with his mouth, his hands, all skin and fire. This is how the world ends. This is how love stays alive.

She needed them to stay alive in some form.
Some how some day they needed to stay alive.
But how......how do they do this so far apart.

He was walking towards her now and all thoughts fled from her mind.
This man, this gorgeous man, she loved him with all her heart but it would have to remain her secret for she worried he did not love her.

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the words we leave unspoken are the most important ones that should have been said.

That damn quote! It haunts me. Shows up to remind me what I should do.

How in the world can I say the words to you and come out the other side unscathed?
A deep fear is that my words will trigger you to completely run away from me in all ways.
You don't like feelings.
They are washing over you as they are crashing upon me.
And we laugh our way around them. Glance them away with indifference and jokes.
But at the end of the day when we are tucked in our respective beds, drifting off to sleep, we know what we desire.
To love....each other. Freely.

I am not a fool. I know you love me as I love you.
How do we get past the obstacles? I know of ways but you will not be open to them, which is understandable.
But damn it pisses me off. Why can't we just take a fucking chance?
It might not work out but oh my Goddess, what if it did?
Even for a short time we would have nirvana. Bliss. Heaven.
Realization that we are awesome together.

A soft snort of laughter at herself, hey chick are you taking a chance with those words you so desperately want to say?
No, so then back off.
Hypocrite.
I get it. I really do. Its the bane of my existence.
My ability to step into your shoes and realize the folly of it all.

You are leaving. Very soon.
I feel panic that we will part ways with nothing but a half side hug and a wave goodbye.
I can't do that. I just fucking can't!
I need your arms around me. Your face buried in my hair while my arms are tight around you. I press my cheek to your chest to hear your heart beating wildly.
Like mine is.
Yeah yeah, you don't do mushy but good hell, mushy leads to some really fun stuff damn it.

Please let's not do the slightly friendly goodbye.
Let's say goodbye with the fireworks we have in our souls for one another.
Let's burn it down with passion.
Let's be the bad asses we are.
And together, even one night, we can light the world up!

I Love You, Goodbye

His heart felt as if it were going to die right within his chest and poison him forever.
Leaving her was turning out to be the hardest thing he has ever done.
He wished he could be the one to make her dreams come true but he just was not the right man for the job. This realization struck him hard because this little slip of a woman was his dream.
The situation was just too far fetched and out of his wheel house to even deal with.
He knew with the way things were he could never completely let go and love her as she deserved. The situation would not allow him to relax and let his guard down.
And that would make him hold back, which was not what she deserved.
A soft sigh and he looked out over all the moving boxes in various states of packing.
This was what he wanted right?
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts he began packing once again.
A song came on the radio and through his musings the words came to him.
He stopped and began to listen.
'Leaving someone when you love someone is the hardest thing to do when you love someone as much as I love you.'
He stood and stared down at his phone, needing to see who this was by.
The hairs stood on his arms and he knew this said what he needed to say.
His courage was lacking to tell her how he felt face to face. His biggest fear is that she could change his mind. She would change his mind....and he knew he could not stay.
He pulled up the lyrics on the computer and wrote them down. This is how he could say what he needed to say.
He shook his head with sadness in his heart, downed his beer and went back to packing.

Before he was to leave they sat down to dinner.
Drinking, eating, talking and laughing was what they loved to do.
There she was, smiling up at him with adoration and when she did that it always made him feel warm inside. He loved her smile and sparkling green eyes. Such a gorgeous little thing.
Not only was she beautiful she was the kindest soul he had ever met.
She was real and honest and present. It blew him away.
But even with all of that, he could not stay.
He would hit the road, leaving this place right after they were done.

He had written the lyrics to the song on a pretty card he found.
He told her he loved her. He told her how highly he thought of her. He told her that he was sorry for leaving her but it was for the best.
Then he let the song say the rest.

He  looked in his rear view mirror and saw her sitting in her car reading the card as he drove away.
His heart broke in two as he broke hers at that moment.
Tears streamed down his face as he left for his new life.

She Was Never Afraid

He stood next to his truck waiting for her to arrive. The thought of leaving this little slip of a girl was killing him inside but he had to go. It was time for his demons were getting the best of him and he knew if he ever showed her that side she would turn away. He needed her to see him as he was now, strong and in control. He sighed, he knew no one would love him if he ever revealed what lurked inside him. Always different. Someone people feared. The beast within him one short fuse away from being revealed. No one understood him but then he felt that she did. She understood those little corners of him that he tried to hide. She drew out the good in him which softened those edges and he wondered if he gave this a chance.....his thoughts trailed up as he watched her car pull up.
His heart sped up and his stomach flipped over at the sight of her.
Gorgeous green eyes and the way she walked to him as if she owned the very air around her.
God she was amazing. The kindest and sweetest girl he had ever known.

"Hi there." she said with a saucy tilt to her head as she looked up at him.
Goddess, she loved looking into his eyes for the blues made her heart soar with joy and her body tremble with desire.
He was such a big man, strong but gentle at the same time. It was an intoxicating combination. He thought himself a beast. Filled with darkness and scary things so he kept his distance She was never afraid of his darkness or the demons that danced in his eyes. She knew there was a beast within the man and she never would be afraid.
She did not want him to leave. Her heart squeezed with pain. She wanted him to stay here with her. Let her take care of him and chase away those demons. She could do it. She knew she could.
A sense of boldness washed over her and she decided it was now or never.
She stepped close and slipped her arms around his middle, pressing her small form against his body.
He stiffened, but she clung onto him, saying in a trembling voice.
"Deal with it."
His body relaxed and his arms came around her to crush her tightly to him.
A soft sigh escaped him above her head and she buried her face into his chest.

The tears would not stay away and she began to cry softly.

He lifted her chin up and seeing those tears undid him.

"Little one please don't....I can't...." he said softly as his fingers gently brushed away the falling tears.

"You can. You damn well can. Don't leave. Don't leave me.." she whispered then sobbed and buried her face in his chest and his arms tucked her protectively against him.

His mind was spinning and he knew he could stay. He could be with this little firebrand and love her with everything he had. He knew he could. He would be better for it. But he had to ask, he had to put it out there as harshly as he could for he needed a little warrior next to him.

"I am not easy little one. I am dark, dangerous and unpredictable. I have so much darkness in me that I scare myself. I feel I just need to be alone." He said as he lifted her chin to look into her eyes.
God, ,they were even greener when shimmering with those sad tears.
He watched those eyes shift from sad to anger. He leaned back seeing the little warrior he knew was in there.

"Fuck your darkness and I raise you my own. You think you are the only one with issues? With anger and sadness within? Well, guess what....you aren't. So I will need to warn you that I talk too much. I will tell you how it is and you will listen. I will be bossy and sometimes a handful but I will promise to always love you. We will never go to bed angry. And any demons that come out to fuck with me will need to deal with my bad ass little self wielding a sword of whoop ass. So stop this shit, kiss me and stay with me." She growled at him, stepping back with hands on her hips glaring at him.

He could not help the smile that broke out over his face and the chuckle that followed.

"You think I am fucking kidding?" she tilted her head and kept her stony gaze on him.

He shook his head and then stepped forward gathering her in his arms. He buried his face into her hair and inhaled. Her scent made him crazy and he knew he needed to give this a shot. He had to learn to take a chance now and again She was worth it.

"I will stay.....I will stay here with you cause I love you." he whispered softly.

She went completely still in his arms at his words then leaned back to look up at him. Wonder and happiness shone on her face and in her eyes.

"Yeah?" she said softly, almost afraid his mistaken what he said.

He smiled and nodded.

She laughed in joy and threw her arms around him, pressing her lips to his and he sank into the kiss with joy.
Her light was enough to snuff out any doubts and he realized as he tasted her that this was where he belonged. Right here with his little warrior.

Unwanted

The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want the most.

I feel that. In my soul. In my heart. Every day I feel this.
It's my own fault.
I expect too much from those I care about.
I expect them to friend me or love me the way I do to them and thus, I am disappointed.
Disappointment is my issue.

But I am human. And this human has feelings.
Those feelings are now of frustration and I do have a right to just flip out.
This is what I am doing now.
Throwing a good ol, rolling on the floor, temper tantrum.
I'll get over it shortly.

I cannot help how I feel about you. But I do temper it and not thrust it in your face.
I know it is my burden and not yours to carry cause you cannot cross any boundary you have not specifically placed. God forbid you took a step outside your comfort zone.
Tried something new.
But hey, maybe I am just not 'it' for you.
And that does hurt. All of this does because I fucking care.
It really is that simple.

The gist of it all?
I wish we were closer. Not between the sheets closer (though that is the ultimate for me with you) but sit at dinner talking about deep subjects closer. Sitting in a good movie closer.
Friends do this stuff and survive.
I hate how I am ignored at times. Those little pushes of distance hurt more than they should because I wish to be special in your eyes. The one who you can lean on without a worry.
I am your MAIN supporter. Your defender but yet......I barely exist in your mind, in your world.
When all I want is a simple acknowledgement of our years of friendship.
A kind word here and there. Perhaps even something like...hey you look really nice today.
Damn you are awesome. A fucking compliment will not turn you to stone.
And ignoring my questions...comments...shutting down conversations cause they don't fit in where you want to be...fuck that.
It hurts. Do you understand. It hurts to be unwanted. Ignored. Pushed aside.
I have ideas why but it still hurts.

I will get over it all. The tantrum will go away.
But I will still hurt silently. Cause I could never just sit down and tell you how I feel.
You would either not understand or push me further away.
I can't have that.
So I will sit silently and ponder the feelings of being unwanted.
For I know it is not the truth but my heart feels the pain anyway.

So There's This Boy......

So there's this boy......
he is sweet, gorgeous and kind.
He is also quiet, introverted, over thinker, and angry,
I have fallen head over heels for this boy and I have so much to say but I am afraid.
Words have a way of either pushing people away or bringing them in closer.
My words would be strong, deep and quite intense for this out of the ordinary situation.

I thought why not just write what I have to say down here.
No rejection. No fear. No worry. Just my words out in the universe for no one to see.

To the boy that holds my heart with his blue eyes this is a letter to you:

Today I almost asked you to go out again.
I didn't ask because I fear that you will do one of the things you usually do as of late; ignore the question  to side step it to something else or say sure and it ends up being something like lunch that only acquaintances do.
I see you more than an acquaintance and I thought you saw me as more once.
Something changed.
I wish you would tell me what happened. How did I go from being your confidant, the one you shared day dreams with to this place of away. This place of far away.

Now I know on a logical level what situation I present is very odd. It is not something most people engage in nor aspire to but its not impossible. We haven't ever even broached the subject and it seems you never want to.
I feel that you may have crossed a line in your head and that was enough overthinking to get you to back away.
Not only are you distant physically you also have left me mentally.
Our talks are mundane and we never reach for the stars anymore.
You never want to be alone with me. Even something as simple as a movie between friends is something you will not even consider.
Truth be told, it hurts. It hurts so much that I keep asking myself; what is so wrong with me that keeps you turned away from me.
But you care and I do know this. The small things you do remind me that even though you have put up some pretty tall walls, your heart still tugs when I am around.

I want to walk with you in the sunshine while we talk about whatever our minds bring up.
No boundaries. No limits.
I want you to teach me all those cool things you know.
I want your hands on me with passion.
I want your lips on mine.
We have a karmic connection. I know you know this.
The first moment our eyes met it was like being struck with a knowing.
A knowing that we have known each other for millennia.

I wish I could sit you down to say all these things to you without fearing that you would turn away because it was just too much. Too weird. Too stressful. Too much emotion.
I wish a lot....on every star I see flying by that somehow, someway we can at least be closer in some way.
I know you will be leaving someday. This breaks my heart.
With tears in my eyes and cracks in my heart I will wish you well. I will bestow all the blessings I know upon on you in your new adventure.
I would do this because I only want your happiness.
I would do this because I love you.

Can't Control my Feelings

We flirt all the time and smile and laugh but how am I supposed to know if this is real?
I can't control my feelings anymore it's so hard being around you and not saying all the thins I want you to hear.
I'm trying my best to act casual, but all I can seem to do is get mesmerized in your eyes.

I did that yesterday while we sat and talked. Your eyes looking into mine as you told your stories made me feel like I was lost in a day dream.
So many times during our talk I wanted to twine my fingers with yours.
I know things have been rough, though you won't speak in detail of the troubles, I want to comfort you
Pull you into my embrace and pull the sorrow, anger and pain away from your heart so that only the bright light of hope remains.
I want to be that beacon of hope for you.

But when we talk all I seem to do is get mesmerized by your eyes.

Keep Being Cute

She shook her head at his latest joke.
Good hell, he always had a way of making her laugh.
He stood there, towering over her with a crooked, super sexy grin on his face.
Feeling quite proud of his little joke was he?
Hmm, he needed to be checked and fast.
This man had her number and she loved it.
She wished there was more between them.
Beyond this arms length friendship they had.
God, she knew they would create magic if they were ever together.
He was still grinning down at her, those blue eyes twinkling.
Ah, fuck it.
She grinned back up at him and said, with a saucy tilt to her head and hands on her hips.

"If you're gonna keep being cute then you'll have to kiss me, I'm sorry I don't make the rules."

Those blues of his widened, the smile faded and she felt a shiver of fear wash through her.
God damn it, now did she just fuck up?
Her green eyes flicked away, thinking, fuck fuck fuck now I did it. Now he will walk away. Shut down. Laugh it off. Then we are done. God what did....
Her thoughts stopped as his fingers lifted her chin and without one word, only his blue eyes staring into hers with a gleam of desire, his lips came down on hers.

Fuck yes!

I'm Sorry.....

Frustration built up within her and she sat staring at nothing. Trying to keep her composure.
Finally the meeting ended, gathered her things and left the room without a word.
She needed to go. To get in her car and go somewhere far away.
Her heart squeezed as she thought about him.
What the hell got her to this point? She was just fine this morning. He had not said or done anything to make her feel this way.
He was her friend as he always has been.
Nothing new there.
She let out a long held breath as she walked out into the overcast day.
Friends. Yeah, that's all they were. That's all they would ever be. She was ok with that. She wanted him in anyway she could get.
But there were times like this where things just got to her.
She wanted more.
To feel his strong arms wrap around her small form.
The taste of his lips on hers.
Sound of his voice as he told her he loved her.
Good hell. She thought as she slipped behind the wheel of her car.
Get a damn grip girl.

She drove for miles and then wound up sitting in a parking lot that faced the lake.
The whitecaps whipped around and the wind was blowing the flag in the distance steadily.
This gray day did fit her mood.
Pulling out her notebook she began to write.

I'm sorry I constantly want to talk to you. I'm sorry when you take long to reply, I get sad.
I'm sorry if I say things that might piss you off. I'm sorry if I come off as annoying. I'm sorry if you don't wanna walk to me as much as I wanna talk to you. I'm sorry if I think about you too much and too often. I'm sorry if I tell you about my pointless drama when you don't really care. I'm sorry if I come off as being clingy, but its just me missing you.

She read over her words and sighed.
I miss you. I miss sitting next to you at the bar telling stories.
I miss talking to  you for hours. I miss watching a movie via text.
I wish we could see a movie together then go to dinner after to discuss how much we loved or hated it.
I wish we could sit and watch the sunset and enjoy a fire.
I wish we just could be together more than we are now.

One single tear rolled down her cheek and she brushed it aside.
She knew why they could not be together.
It made everything so much harder.
So much harder.
And hell.....there was a chance he just saw her as some girl he chatted up now and again.
Another tear slid down her other cheek and then the tears could not be stopped.
She sat in her car with the wind whipping around her as the tears of sadness, fear and longing fell from her soul.

Can't Sit Across From You

Goddamn she was pissed and she attempted to school her features into some semblance of I don't really give a fuck but in a nice I don't give a fuck way.

She watched the woman just chatter away at him. Blabbing about all these things about herself that no one really gave a fuck about.

Her gaze slid over to the gorgeous man who sat next to her.
She could see he was annoyed with the chatter as she was. He was such a good guy but she wanted to see that asshole part of him.
God it was hot. She was a bitch and he was an asshole. And damn, if they ever hooked up the result would be a damned inferno.
He fiddled with his phone and tried to just tune out everything.
He lifted his eyes, met hers and she saw the small twinkled of mischief in the blue depths.
Then suddenly he stood and walked out of the room with a softly spoken excuse to everyone, but his eyes remained on her.
Fuck. She was lost. Fucking stupid for wanting this guy so bad. And even daring to daydream he might just want her too.
Her mind wandered and she thought I still haven't figured out how to sit across from you, and not be madly in love with everything you do.

You're Not Thinking of Me

It had been a while since she sat with her notebook in her hand letting thoughts flow to the blank pages.
Pen scratching across the page as one tear slid down her cheek then another.
Once she could not see anymore she tossed the pen aside and allowed the sob to escape.
Strength was something she admired and tried to be that rock everyone needed but there were times she crumbled. When she did this, she did it silently and privately.
She ran her hands over her wet eyes and looked out the window.
Snow had been falling all day so the world was a contrast of white against the gray sky.

What a damn fool she was to day dream of someone who would not ever want her as she wanted him.
Oh and did she day dream about him. He sometimes entered her dreams and she enjoyed those romps for they were free from any speculation or scrutiny. He looked at her like a woman, a woman he desired.
Someday he would disappear from her life in the arms of some young and beautiful lass and she would wish him well.
Goddess, the thought hurt but she did want him happy. She cared for him deeply..
But there were times when her heart flipped over to reveal its bleeding side to the light.
She would wince in pain and then curl up to not face the truth.
He did not look at her that way. He saw her as his friend. He would not even truly confide in her.
Just someone he talked with, someone he laughed with, and someone he rarely sat down with alone anymore.

Another soft sob slipped past her lips and fresh tears fell.
She allowed this weakness here, in the closed door of her room.
Catching her breath she wiped the tears away once again and steadied herself.

"Get a grip you silly thing." she muttered.
"He is a young, amazing, wonderful and handsome man and he is not going to cross those boundaries with you regardless of the way your world is. It is not his world and he also..." she sighed " he also does not want some old, chubby thing like you."

She steeled herself. Letting the self loathing wash through her then away.

"Why am I thinking of you when I know you're not thinking of me?"

Her little bleeding heart whispered, "Because you love him silly."

The Reason

Irritation rose in her and she almost growled out loud.
Good hell, she was done trying to get a conversation going anymore.
It seemed he had so much else on his mind. Always turned inward.
The conversations had dried up to the point where they might well start commenting on the weather and how worn the fucking carpet was in the hallway.

Fuck this.
She slammed her purse on the desk and rammed her things in.
Out she stormed thinking she was done and as she turned the corner still muttering curses she collided with a warm tall wall.

"What the fuck!"she cried out and stumbled back but strong hands caught her upper arms to steady her.

"Damn you almost took me off my feet. That would have been a great accomplishment little one."
Those gorgeous blue eyes gleamed with mischief down at her and she felt the anger rise up hot.
Those damn eyes. That amazing smile. All tormented her night after night Fuck this.
She pulled her arms from his grasp and stepped back.

"I wish I would have knocked you on your ass." she growled at him as she went to step past him.

"Whoa there. What the hell?" he turned to follow her. "What's wrong?"
His long strides caught up to her and he followed her to the car.

The anger shifted from white hot to just pain in her chest where she felt her heart breaking over and over again. Suddenly she just did not care what she said. Fuck him if he got offended. They were friends and friends should be able to talk openly.
Whirling around she pointed at him and with a shaky voice she said,

"What the hell is happening to us? You have checked out and it hurts. You might not see it as a big deal but I sure do. I want so much  more from you but I am respecting your fucking boundaries and I want to talk, want to drink want to just be around you. Is that so goddamned bad?"

He stood there mouth open and then he frowned. Fuck she thought, here comes the asshole she knows resides within him. She steeled himself for his barrage or dismissal.

"I did not mean to hurt you but damn woman, its hard. So fucking hard just to be your friend when I want...." he shook his head then sighed, "....more."

Frozen to the spot she just watched him with wide eyes. Did he really just say that? She took a step towards him.

"Yeah?" she asked softly, staring up into his worried eyes.

"Well yeah.....the situation is not...normal." he shook his head.

"I know...I know its not normal nor easy but damn we have something amazing here. I don't want to bash down barriers, I respect that, but I just want to be with you. I adore you. You make me laugh. I love seeing you smile. Hell, I want to be the reason why you fall asleep with your phone in your hand." All the words tumbled out and the tears filled her eyes.
Great Goddess, all she wanted was to be in his life, to be important.
One tear escaped down her cheek and he brushed it away with his thumb turning her face up to his.

"I have fallen asleep with my phone in my hand while I thought of telling you exactly how I feel." he leaned down and took her lips. The kiss took away any worries she had in her head that he did not care, she realized in that moment he cared just as much as she did.

Wonder

She sat staring out at the people walking briskly through the park.
The sun was out, the air was cold but she still sat.
All her life she felt alone, like no one ever really truly understood her.
Then he came into her life and all that changed.
She could not put her finger on what connected them but it was good and right.
As time went and they got to know one another she noticed the way he watched her.
He followed her movements, almost like he was drinking her into his memory for that day when they would go their separate ways.
She watched others fall into these wild romances where the souls could care less what road they traveled. As long as they were together they made it.
She never had that. She was more like a fixture. Someone who was just there cause it had always been that way.
To her right a bird settled on the wall beside her and it cocked its head at her.
A robin. She smiled sadly at the little bird and whispered.

"I wonder what it's like to have someone fall for you. And I mean really fall for you. Not just they want to get in your pants because they think you're attractive. But be consumed with every little piece of you The way you talk, the way you laugh, the way you just exist."

The robin stared at her a moment then flew off up into the trees.
A soft sigh escaped her and she turned her attention to the people in the park again.
She sat alone as usual.

Don't Forget Me

She stood watching everyone mill around, talking and drinking.
Her gaze followed him as he talked with those around him.
This was not something she thought would happen.
He was leaving.
The party was to celebrate his going away.
Away from here.
From her.

She tried not to notice his glances her way.
The room was getting too hot. Her heart pounded.
Another one bites the dust, she thought as she set her drink down and stood.
Everyone leaves.
Once outside she took a deep breath of the crisp air and let it out slowly.
Her heart was racing with fear and then slipping into aches of terrible sadness.
One thing she never wanted to do was hold him back.

Goddess, how could this even be an issue for her. She needed to get a grip.

"We won't forget each other, right?" she whispered to the night sky with one tear sliding down her cheek.

"Never." was the response whispered near her ear. She whirled around to see him there.
She ceased to breathe as she looked up into his blue eyes.
Without a thought she threw herself into his arms.
Her face pressed into his chest and she reveled when she felt his arms tighten around her.
His scent swirled in her head and she knew in this moment she did not want to let go. She could give a fuck what he thought now, she needed to memorize the feel of his body against hers and the way he smelled for this would be it. Nothing ever again.

Not Leaving Tonight

The holidays had arrived and the time for parties was upon everyone.
Cheer swirled around and she wanted to get into the swing of it all but damn it was hard.
She missed him. Great Goddess she ached for him.
It had been weeks since she had looked into his blue eyes. They were like a drug and she needed her fix.
It seemed that their time together was getting further and further apart.
While she did understand why this was happening it still did not make things any easier.
Of course the more time spent with someone the closer you become.
Remaining distant was a way to either show you were not interested in that way or to protect yourself from feelings that could deepen.
The hardest part of all of those thoughts was she did not know where she stood.
Was she in the position of friend due to not being the type he wanted or was she relegated to this friend zone due to the pull of desire
She wished she knew.
Then she did not want to know.
A soft sigh escaped and she turned away from the window to walk straight into a wall of warmth.

"Hmmph" she cried out then stepped back.
Strong hands caught her around her upper arms and the sensual, masculine laugh floated to her ears.

Her green eyes met blues and she got her fix in that moment.

There he was staring down into her eyes and a thrill of desire washed over her small form.
Goodness, he was so damn gorgeous.

"Sorry about that. Guess I better watch where I am going. Run you down." She laughed then realized he had not let her arms go.

He laughed then released her arms and stepped back.
"I would like to see you run me down little one." he grinned.

She shook her head and laughed at him.

"You going tonight?" he asked and his smile had slipped just a little bit.

"I did not want to go alone so I might skip it." she said and then looked away, her heart in her eyes and she could not allow him to see.

"Then let's go together."

"Really?"

"Unless you don't want to go with me?" He said in a soft voice.

Her heart thumped hard in her chest and she wondered if this would change anything.
With a tilt to her head she said, "Of course I would love to go with you. It's just we don't hang out anymore so.....well...." her words trailed off.

"I understand and I am sorry. I will explain tonight. So you just bring your stuff to the hotel and you can get ready there. Easier. Ok?" he smiled

"Alright. See you then" She said still feeling startled and more than intrigued.

The night flew by. They talked. Ate. Socialized.
Then they found themselves standing in the hotel room laughing over the drunk people they had seen at the party.

"That was great. Thanks for coming out." he said as he tossed his key to the table.
She settled onto the bed and then flopped backwards with a laugh.
"Good hell there were some crazy people tonight. They are going to have some awesome hangovers in the morning. I am glad we did not go that route."

He flopped down next to her and laughed.
"I agree. I don't need to get drunk with you. You make me feel that way no matter what."

She froze at his words and her head to turned to look at him.

"Yeah.....tell me more about that?"

He reached over and let his fingertips slide over her cheek and he sighed.
"I don't want to run from this anymore. I'm tired of fighting my desire for you. I want you. Tonight. Here and now. I can't promise how things will go from here but I will always adore you little one."

Her hearts desire was coming true and her heart was dancing in her chest

"Then let's stop the war raging inside you. Let's call a truce." she whispered as she stared into his eyes.

A sensual smile appeared on his handsome face and he leaned close.

Her lips brushed softy against his, he caressed her cheek, held her hair in his hands, sending shivers down her spine. They trembled for each other. Maybe this wasn't forever but this was a longing they could never forget and both of them knew they weren't leaving each other tonight.

Write to Me About Love

Her mind swirled with the words she wanted to say to him but she knew now was not the time.
A sigh slipped out between her lips as she turned to look out the window at the busy street before her.
She decided lunch down the street from the office was in order since she felt so cooped up.
Then there was the fact that he never wanted to go with her anymore. It seemed as there was a chasm separating them these days and it was filled with so many unanswered questions.
She knew she could just ask him point bank but what would that do their friendship?
A worried frown creased her brow as she looked down at her notebook on the table.
She had not written in a long time. All her words had dried up. She learned some harsh lessons and it taught her not to talk nor think too much. No one truly cared. No one wanted to hear her troubles when she had her own.
She was learning now though. Whatever things people did had nothing to do with her because their actions came from their own reality. She had to stop being so sensitive and worrying about what she could not control

Her mind tended to go to the dark places. She had to stop as she caused her own suffering.
So she remained silent.
Hell he wouldn't tell her anyway. He would just clam up and ignore the question like he had been doing lately with the simplest things.

A spear of fear lanced through her heart as she wondered if he was pulling away slowly. Getting her to throw her hands up in frustration so he could just disappear form her life.
She took a deep breath to slow her rapidly beating heart . There it was, those bad thoughts.
Shaking her head she looked back to her notebook.
Her heart ached for this man but in such a different way than it had ever ached before.
He was so familiar to her. She felt safe with him. Protected. All she wanted to do was take care of him and be there for him. Give him all of her.
And great Goddess, those gorgeous eyes of his that melted her every time he looked at her. Oh save her soul when those blues sparked with mischief and his cute smile appeared.
She was lost. Completely, irrevocably lost to him and he did not even know.

The beating of her heart changed its rythymn to one of desire when she imagined his lips pressed to hers. The feel of his body against hers and his strong arms pulling her tight. The feeling of being claimed as his.
She wanted to explore every inch of his body. An adventure of discovery of finding out what part of him were ticklish or those parts that sent his body into spasms of need.
To hear his soft moans of pleasure. To know she was beautiful to him. To know she was special in his heart.
A shiver of need washed over her and she took a deep breath.
Words came to her and she set the pen to the page and began to write.

Use me like pen uses ink to write something

Beautiful. Original. Interminable.
Write until your heart is spilled completely on the page for me to examine.
Until there is no ink left to write with...

Write to me about love and tragedy and painfully gorgeous moments.

Hand in hand.
Flesh on flesh.
Mouth on mouth.
Love and Sin.

She laid her pen down and looked up to the window.
Her green eyes met blues.
Startled she looked at him with wide eyes.
He stood there eyes bright and a tentative smile on his face.
He nodded to the empty booth seat across from her with a questioning nod and she nodded back.
There went her heart, speeding up to a gallop. Goddess, how did he know she was here and why was he here.

He sat across from her and said softly, "I am not interrupting?" 

"No, Not at all." she stammered feeling a blush touch her cheeks as she slowly closed the book.
He placed his hand on it before she could close it.

"May I?" he asked pulling the book towards him.

"Sure...yeah..." Feeling breathless she watched him read the small passage she wrote.

He looked at her and nodded, "That is amazing.Like you are amazing. You make me want to write stories of castles and my slaying dragons. I want to pick up a sword and protect you and then in the next instant write poetry about how green your eyes are."

"I am amazing and.....wow....just...wow..." she blurted, startled. Was he actually complimenting her? Telling her what was on his mind? What was next? Her mind whirled. 

"I want to talk to you about something that has been on my mind. I know I have not been a good friend and I am ready to talk to you about why." he watched her carefully.

She nodded in response not wanting to break the spell of what was happening here.

"Ok then.." he cleared his throat and looked out the window.
"I have been fighting what I feel for you. Its not right. What all of this is isn't. It goes against what I have always believed. But I can't live with out you and I know if I keep this up I will lose you."
His gaze turned to meet hers and still she remained silent, just listening but her heart was doing back flips in her chest.
"I love you. I don't know how to make this work, or what to do now but I do love you."

The world within her soul opened and she felt the entirety of what she felt for this sweet man pour into her body all at once. Tears pricked her eyes and she reached across the table to take his hands in hers. Lifting one she pressed her lips to the palm of his right hand enjoying the feel of the callouses on his hands. One tear slipped down her cheek and she noted that he looked seconds away from panicking. 

"I love you too you stubborn thing. I have for sometime." she squeezes his hand in hers and then the air was sucked from her body when he presented her with the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.

"Thank God." he squeezed her hands in return and let out a sigh.

"Guess we need to talk more eh?" she laughed softly as he wiped away her tears of happiness with the fingertips of his free hand.

"We sure do." She laughed and shook her head marveling at how things can change in an instant.
How darkness gives way to the light. She was grateful for this man in her life. So grateful..