Bucket of Soul

I am a trusting person.
I am a trustworthy person.
I trust that all human beings are inherently good.
Sometimes I feel they have a selfish streak in them.
I know I do. I know others do.
But I am careful with sensitive baggage. I am careful with your words.
I take them to heart and cradle them close.

I am a communicator.
I talk a lot but not haphazardly just jawing all over not taking care of what I say.
I have found that my communicator nature has not served me very well lately.
I feel that my constant talking, posting and seeking can drive people away.
I have witnessed it.
I have lived it.
I feel I am misunderstood. I feel assumptions were made.
(And here I am making some myself aren't I?)

I am overbearing. Overwhelming.
I may be these things but I was lost in silence. Lost in a place where I had no direction to go. No guidance on what to do, to say or bring to the table.
I did the best I could with what little I was given.

Then I needed to go.....

I came here to write in a place that is my own.
I came here to share my heart and my mind.
That may be dark or light or bathed in the red light of the XXX world my mind gets into sometimes.
But I share so that perhaps, just perhaps, I touch someone just right and things are smoothed over.
I share to get my words out there into the Universe. To share my joy of writing, of communicating with everyone.
I love spinning tales. I love it when people love them and want more.
That is the reason I exist: to make others happy.

Is it so bad that I want to be happy too?
To have something work out the way I wanted it to?
Am I selfish?
Perhaps.

Right now my soul has a shadow on it.
A shadow of uncertainty that haunts me. For I constantly sit and wonder what happened.
Where did you go? What did I do? Am I really such a bad person? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something rude?
I want to ask outright. I want to go to you and say what happened but I am afraid.
I am afraid of the answer I will receive for it may be bathed in a frustrated, angry tone which means I have hurt.
I am strong. I will stand up for myself when pushed. I will yell. I will fight. I will not be pushed around when I have had enough. I will always stand tall, honest and proud. I will be strong.
But there are times when I wanted to be weak....to just fall to my knees and be safe with my words.
To know my words were heard and accepted.

So I come here and I talk to the ether.
I come here to just empty my soul into this bucket and then stare down at the mess it has become.

Dramatic? Ah yes, but then that is the writer in me.
Perhaps all this purging, this letting go of things I cannot control will help mend the soul in the bucket. Maybe it will shapen the writer in me and my own dreams will come true of writing my stories for the world to read.
These words. All of them are my way of shedding my insecurities, standing up and saying what is on my mind without fear. Without censure.

I am not a broken person, just a slightly damaged one. (Aren't we all?)
I am just trying to erase the shadow on my soul.
Trying to understand myself. Learn from my mistakes.
To understand others and the path that they need to walk without me.
To love with out expectation.

To live with a shiny soul that will be able to just bring happiness to those I love.

I am just a girl with her soul in a bucket hoping I find a line to hang it out to dry on.