Making Assumptions

   There is a saying that goes like this; do not make assumptions because it makes an ass out of you and me.
I agree with that.

   Sometimes a thought will hit the mind and it attacks with a vengeance. Today I had one of those thoughts come to play and it put me in a very bad place. I have been struggling with a loss of a friendship that has me in a sad state.

    One thing that is hard to handle is not knowing what I did wrong. I am the queen of foot in mouth. I am not perfect and I do sometimes fuck up. Like we all do. We all are guilty of doing something that another takes wrong. Sometimes assumptions are made and we jump to conclusions and make rash decisions. You would hope that friends would be able to come to you with their concerns. Get it all out in the open and make things right.

    I feel I am a reasonable person. I feel that I have others best interests at heart. But when a person walks away from you, after you both have understood one an other's position in a certain situation, you are left thinking; oh my what in the hell did I do wrong now? You are not given a chance to know what the hell happened. So you sit and wonder what kind of horrible person you are. You begin to believe you hurt someone you care about and it tears you up inside. You have no idea what to do except quietly go away as they seem to want you to. You are afraid to even utter a word as you fear the condemnation and anger that will be laid upon your head. Even though you have no clue what happened, you still feel responsible for the issue since they left you. Since they left you....it stands to reason you are the bad thing in all of it.

    That is where I am now. Stuck in this place where I am left without answers and perhaps I do not want them. Perhaps I am not as good as I thought I was. Perhaps I misread all the signs that I was even worth a little time. These are my own issues, my own bad tape playing in my head so I do tend to push those thoughts of less than away. But I will admit, it is hard when you lose someone.

    I do know I did the best I could with what little I was given. I tried to be as nice and cool as I could. I tried to see everything from your point of view and even offered my hand to help in any way I could. Even though helping, being a shoulder to lean on, would have killed me inside for it was not what I wanted. But your happiness was important and I felt I was doing all I could and not getting much in return. That did make me a little insane.So maybe I said too much sometimes. Maybe I did not say enough. I am not sure but I needed some slack. I am a girl after all. Not reasonable sometimes. A little crazy. But less than most.

  I wish I could tell you I am sorry for whatever is hurting you. I wish I could make you feel better. I wish I could fix this chasm that has grown between us but it seems that you are not interested. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I blame you? Yes. Do I blame myself? Yes.

  I wish you could see this and know.....I did really care. I still do.

  Then I came to a realization not too long ago since the above was written a few weeks ago. I found that I had to step emotionally away from things for my emotions were based off my own ideas and I needed to look at things with my mind in charge. I was taking everything personally and I should not. For what someone else chooses in their own life is what they choose for them, it has nothing to do with me. I know I am ok. I know I am gorgeous. I know I am a good person. I know...a lot and I accept it. I do not have to like all the things I am faced with but I do accept them.
There are times I stare in the mirror and think; what the hell is going on with you girl? Why so lost on this? My inner Goddess shrugs and says "Sometimes it just takes one soul to get under your skin in just the right way and you are done for. It's an itch you can't ever scratch right, you keep reaching for it."
Yeah. Well so, guess I am not impervious to things as I thought I was. My inner Goddess laughed at me. She said "Well my dear Iguess your walls were just knocked down and then you went down on your ass. So where are you now? On your ass or up on your feet?"
I had to think about that, where am I? I feel I am up on my feet, walking along this path of learning. There are days I still condemn myself and fall on my ass but I pick myself up. I say stop being a silly girl and step on outta there. Don't be a worrier!

With that being said do I wish things were different?
Oh hell yes but we are where we are. It is what it is.
There is nothing I can do about any of it except be grateful for the time I had and move on with a loving heart.
There is no resentment. There is no hatred. There is no animosity. There is only accepting love.
If our paths cross again someday then it will be a grand reunion.
Until then my dear one.....be well on your journey and know you have a loving friend here.

Now...I write my book....the one I truly wish to share. One of love at another level.

Blessed Be.