Harsh Realizations

Have you ever had an ah ha moment?
I had one of those today and last week sometime and then another week before that.
It seems I am having these moments that coming hard and fast. Slapping me hard in the face to say, "Wake up girl you have work to do on yourself."

I have listened and have been reading books, articles and doing some basic soul searching.
Experiences that have come into my life have set me on this path for I always knew I was a good person but the strange thing I realized is that I need that affirmed by people. I have always known that my self esteem is very low (long story of the non-childhood I had but that is for another time) and that I need, while not constant approval, I do need approval that I am a good person. That I am not someone who needs a bag over their head since they are so ugly. That I am not invisible.
But now I have come to a point where it is time to do something about it.
While I have friends and loved ones tell me how loving, caring and kind I am I realize I am expecting the opposite. So when I do that I am simply manifesting the negative to be in my life. Goodness, it sounds all so simple but it is hard to break a bad habit, especially one as harsh as self loathing.
I find when I do not get picked for something, someone else gets the job, the guy, the prize I am upset over it just like anyone would be. I am genuinely happy for the person who got the job, prize etc but there are times when I am not. I end up feeling like I lost some competition and I just was not good enough. I sit and bash myself thinking; oh you talk too much. You said to much too soon. You are too needy. You are just a dork. You are ugly. You are fat.
This is the actual tape that loops in my mind. Pretty harsh, isn't it?
Up until about a year and a half ago when I looked into the mirror I saw a person who was ugly, fat and not worth a whole lot. I felt at times I could disappear and no one would miss me, well they would only miss what I could do for them. Such a sad state to be in. Though, outwardly I was happy, inwardly I was dying.
Then I had an experience that set me back on my butt with a pleasure filled sigh. The outcome of this experience was not what I wanted but I learned a lot about myself. Of course I wish thing were different but now I am not so concerned about what did not happen, I am grateful for what did, for the experience I had and the moment of joy that was present.
Now I turn my focus inward to begin taking my own inventory and being my authentic self.

One thing I am learning to do is not compare myself to others. I think, oh I am not skinny like her. that is why everyone talks to her she is skinny and pretty. Oh I am not smart like that person so they will get the promotion and I won't. Bad tape. I am tossing this old VHS mess and burning a new DVD of myself.
I was watching Oprah's Life class today and she had Ilyana on the show. She made a statement that reverberated through me.
"Comparison is an act of violence against the self. Whenever you say who I am as I am is less than someone else's who they are as they are sets up the ego to say, hey you need to do something about that authentic being of yours. But you do not need to do a thing since God already has."
I froze in place when those words were uttered and I knew this is something I needed to hear and that exact time.

Last night I was writing and I was crying as I wrote. Wine has a tendency to make me weepy and when I am charged with emotions they tend to come out as tears as I write. I knew that today I needed to hear these messages of movement. I need to move my ass to realize exactly who I am and to know I need no one's approval or affirmation except my own.

My next task......work on the self.