What I Want I Can't Get

She sat at the bar staring into the glass of beer before her.
Lost in her memories she did not notice the person sit beside her.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asked and she vaguely heard a male voice say.

"Whatever she has if it's draft."

"You got it." the bartender said and moved away.

The voice was unmistakable and with a shiver within her soul and a pounding heart she looked at the man seated next to her.
Her green gaze met a dark one that was pinned to her with a deep intensity.

A grip. She needed to get one right now. Their last talk was not what she wanted to hear but she did not break the friendship, he did. So with a lift of her chin she said.

"What are you doing here?"

One dark brow arched. "It's a public bar so I thought I would come have a drink."

"Right next to me. Yeah right. What do you want." she said as the sorrowful anger took over.

He shook his head and slid the money to the bartender as the beer was set down. He took a drink of his beer and silence settled between them for a moment.

Good Goddess what the fuck did he want from her. Not only did she make a fool of herself with him she even went all understanding after she was told he loved someone else. Fuck what do I do now.
A sigh ripped forth and she turned to him.

"What." she growled.

He shook his head, not looking at her and took another drink of his beer.

"Asshole" she whispered and grabbed her beer. She was out of here and as she started to slide off the stool his hand came to capture hers.

"You are just too emotional." he said as he held her hand and stared at her.

"What? What the fuck did you say?" her whole body shook with the emotions that were ripping through her. The humiliation of being taken advantage of, the pain of losing someone you fell in love with and the fear that she was going to hear more things she did not want to hear. Her battered little heart could not take anymore. Goddess please.

"You are emotional and so am I." He said softly watching her closely. His hand remained on hers, tightly holding her in place.
"I know what happened, I was there too and I am sorry. I did not mean for all this to happen but you were...." he paused, shook his head and then said as he stared into his eyes. "You were not what I expected."

She stood staring at him, the anger flowing out of her, deflating her like a used up balloon. Her heart still hammered within her and something so scary began to build; hope.

"I thought I could take you for one night. Experience your beauty and sweetness and then we would just be friends. I did not expect all the emotions from myself. I should have never touched you while I was with someone else but I just could not help it. I wanted you...I still want you..." he trailed off and looked at the floor.
"I did not plan to love you." his dark gaze lifted to meet her green one which was filled with shock.

But she knew that other person was in his life still. That person she did not know about when she went around pursuing this gorgeous, sexy man. She could remember the need she had to touch him, kiss him, and the way his very voice ignited something within her soul she just could not understand. Perhaps she just did not want to understand it for it meant too much, something deep and unexplainable. A wild connection that she felt lasted for a millennia.

She took a deep breath and said softly.
"I always want the things I can't get and that's why I still love you."

His eyes widened and she pulled her hand from his gently.

"I think I will always love you." she said past the lump in her throat and then turned to flee the bar.
She needed to drive. To forget. To not hope.
Hope was cruel. She wanted him to be with her. To love her.
But he made his choice, no matter his feelings for her.
She did not wish him ill will at all, she wished him happiness.
She just wished she was the one making him happy.

Caring Too Much

I think one of the worst feelings is realizing you don't mean as much to someone as you thought you did. Then you just feel stupid, because you may have looked desperate about caring too much.

She paused in her writing and the memories came back.
Foolish girl. Foolish, stupid girl.

She drew a small heart on the paper then crossed it out.

Sighing she stood and looked out the window.
It was amazing how she could read saved notes and paragraphs months later, trying to decipher anything in them that showed that she meant something and she still had no true idea.
Guess actions speak louder than words girl. Get a grip.

Her nature was to care. When she heard all he was going through due to choices he and another made she just wanted to comfort him.
Of course her jealousy got her all puffed up. A sour grape moment to be sure.
She wished to be that friend but then a part of her was relieved he disappeared from her life. She did not think she could handle listening to his talk about another when all she wanted was to be someone who made him smile.
Who gave him passion.

She wanted to touch his cheek and tell him it would be ok. To take him into the mountains and wander by the stream while they talked about dreams and desires.
Just be that person he could openly lean on without worry for censure or condemnation.

So now in her cowardice she sat writing hearts on pieces of paper then crossing them out like some love sick teenager.

Fuck.

She just wished.....goodness she just needed to see what was in front of her.

Nothing.

She needed to know she was nothing to him.
Maybe for a moment she was everything he dreamed of and everything he wanted.
But now....she was nothing.
She had to be. He had to put here there for his sanity. She tempted him too much.
So he said.

Picking up the paper she stared at it for a moment.
She did care too much and the part that scared her the most?
Is if he came to her now she knew she would not turn him away.
How could the moon turn away the warm touch of the sun?

Damn. Foolish, desperate girl.

She balled up the paper, tossed it into the trash and walked out the room.

It Happens

I believe you can still love someone, but not like them. You love them for the person they were when they were with you, and for how they made you feel at one point. You still love them, and you might always. But you can still not like them, their personality might have changed. they might have gone the wrong way, they might have lost themselves. Or, they might have just given up on you. Or everything they believed in before. It can happen.

She pressed send on the text and tossed the phone aside.

In one way it felt good to cut the last of her regrets and loss off her heart.
In another way she felt lonely as all hell. She had held on for so long, her mind playing fantasy games where he came back to her. Where he showed up with flowers and grand gestures of love.
The words were so very correct. She did feel the love still but she did not like who he was.
It was sad.
Her phone buzzed and she looked at the text coming in from her friend and it read;

You are correct. They are lost. Good for you to see this. Be happy my friend. Be happy.

She tossed the phone down and sighed.

It hurt, she admitted it but she would never let him know.
That would not do.
She would remain on her path of quiet reflection.
Joy was around the corner......it was always on her side.

Rejection

"Dammit, shit...I hate this...." she sputtered as she slammed the car door and her friend slid into the seat next to her.

"I will not fucking cry. NO."

Her friend sat silently for a moment then said softly.

"Crying is ok. It shows that you care but now you need to let go."

She sniffed and then frowned. Why did he have to go to someone else.
She looked over at her friend and whispered.

"Why wasn't I good enough? Am I not pretty? I swear he thought I was gorgeous. Am I too fat? Stupid?" she shook her head fighting the tears once again.

Her friend leaned over, placed on hand on her arm and said.

"No. You are pretty, smart and awesome. Remember, rejection doesn't mean you aren't good enough; it means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer. And you have a lot to offer. Honesty. Integrity. Something many people do not have these days. Know yourself. Know what you felt, saw in his eyes and what is happening now. Just know. Cry. Let it all go and then do not cry again as it is time to move on to better things. To those who appreciate you and what you truly do have to offer."

A small smile touched her lips.

"Thank you. I am lucky for a friend like you."

She took a deep breath, turned the car over and nodded.

"Time to move on."

Room Full of People

   A snippet of conversation floated to her within the room and her gaze settled on two who were talking. She heard the words of jealousy, of condemnation and of hatefulness. Then the two sets of eyes flitted over to another soul who sat alone at the end of a row. Their eyes hard, mean and whispers of callous disregard for the pain they caused.

This meeting was to be about teamwork and how can such a thing happen when there was such a blatant disrespect for one another.
She snorted softly as she watched the milling crowd.

It seemed that either people were talking about one another, sleeping with spouses that were not theirs or backstabbing to climb the ladder of success.

A pain filled her soul to feel the swirling emotions of those around her.

Sorrow from one who was losing the battle against illness in their family.
Jealousy emanating for that person's clothes, stature or who they had in their bed.
Anger rolling off in waves as they realize their spouse had left them for some action somewhere else and they were just not good enough.

She used to walk into a room full of people and wondered if they liked her...
and now she looks around and wonder if she likes them.

With that thought she stood, unable to take the deceitful, selfish hoard any longer and walked out of the room.

She crossed the street, leaving the harshness behind her she inhaled the scent of the lake before her.
This is where she belonged. Outside where the breeze could cleanse the stench of the decay of humanity off her skin.

A glance to the blue sky above and she wished she could fly into the stars and be away from this barbaric place.
Go somewhere to see honesty considered a virtue instead of a weakness.

She was a square peg in a round hole.
She had stopped trying to impress anyone a long time ago.
Herself was enough.
She knew she carried joy. A joy she was willing to share....with the right soul.

Pretend

 

 

 

Pretending was something she excelled at.
She remembered as a kid she could pretend to be a horse and gallop down the driveway to her corral in the grass.
She could pretend to be a rock star drumming away in her garage as the crowd cheered her on.
She could pretend to not be scared when she really was.

But she could not hide the love in her eyes.

No, she found that out and it was terrible.

It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but it's even harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do.

 

She had to be so careful when she hugged him. Not to do it too long. Too much.
Not to allow him to see her green gaze on his for he could see her soul. He said as much.

She did not want him to be worried that their friendship was in jeopardy.

But he said it. He said they were connected.

How could she not take that to heart, especially after all these years.

Damn. She jacked it all up again and now he was buried in his work.

Ignoring her once again till he got himself under control.

Or she did.

Or he finally left her forever.

Oh that could not happen? Could it?

The fear of that was something that lived within her. She could not lose him. He had been her constant for so many years. She would rather him her momentary shadow than gone from her light forever.
Please Goddess, do not let this happen.

A sign of what to do? Something small to latch on to?

 

A soft sigh escaped her and she sat down to think.



Promise Me

    Never had she been so daring but her world had come to one single pinpoint. A sort of a mission that she needed to be heard.
Ah but would it make any difference? She bet it wouldn't but then that was not the point of this running amok kind of action.
The point was to have her say not have him back. She felt at this point he was not someone she knew anymore. He did not seem someone she wanted to know anymore but her soul screamed for resolution.
The paper clutched in her hand said simply:

Promise me. That's all I want. Just promise that you'll never forget me. Tell me that I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you'll always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to go on knowing I mean absolutely nothing to you.

As she ran headlong across the parking lot toward his truck she felt a stab of fear.
Oh great Goddess she did not want to know. She would rather live in her fantasy that he cared for her in some small way. That she did move him to go beyond his control and that allowed him to take her as he desired. As she desired.
She skidded to a halt not caring who watched her.

"Damn. Fuck this." She growled and stared hard at the ground.
Then with a resigned sigh she crumbled the note in her hand and with a wrench to her heart she tossed it to the gutter.
She glanced at it for a moment thinking to rescue it. Thinking she could just tuck it away into her box of thoughts she kept.
A lift of her chin as one tear ran down her cheek.
An angry swipe of her hand to that errant, unwelcome touch of salt water etching its way down her cheek.

"No. Hell no I will not cry over someone who doesn't give a shit about me. Hell no."
with that being said to no one she stalked off to her car.
Turning up the music she set her mind to the next task.
Forgetting him once and for all.
This she would do.
Yes.
It had to be done.
For she was not to be trifled with.

As she zoomed out of the lot she did not look back.
She should have.
If she had looked she would have seen a tall figure picking up a crumbled piece of paper from the gutter next to his truck.
Unraveling it to read and stare after her with concerned eyes.

Finally Letting Go

   She sat in the garden, feeling the light night breeze blow against her cheek and she inhaled the scent of freshly turned earth. The tomatoes were ripening and the strawberries were turning red with the bursting of flavor. Life had not been kind to her but these small things around her made her remember how much of a joy life could be.
It was up to her to make sure she brought her own joy and never to rely on another for such a precious gift.

Before her on the ground was a red candle, a red pen, a piece of parchment and a box of matches. It was time to send her negative energy away and into the night. The need was bring to her a sense of peace for she may not have had what she wanted, but for one night, it was magic. The possibilities were endless but alas, they were not to be.
He touched her and then turned away. It made her doubt her own self worth but then she realized the truth of what happened.
There was a moment in time where she denied how she felt, it was quite silly at one point, to think of that depth of feeling could come forth. But it did and now it was time to just let it be where it belonged; in the past.
She needed to write her words down. Her words as they fell forth from her lips and allow them to manifest into whatever may come. It was her wish to be truly free.

On the parchment she wrote these words:

There was one time, I fell in love with someone very special....
and I told myself that I would never give up on that person.
But one day I did.
Why?
Finally, I realize it's time to let go...
for the love cannot be mine.

The pen set aside she lifted her gaze to the moon above and thanked the Goddess for giving her the strength to feel joy once again and for allowing the ice to melt around her heart. Then she touched the corner of the parchment to the flame and watched it catch fire.
The flame crawled over the page, charring each word as it came towards her hand and she allowed her mind to go to a calm place.
The breeze had died to a deep stillness and not a sound was heard.
She felt her world shift into focus as the parchment burned.
Felt her heart twist into a painful knot for she lost the battle to have what she wished. Then her heart settled and she felt the joy come back to her soul. She reveled in the time she had. Knew the soul of the one she loved better than those who thought they knew him.
A smile on her lips she let the last of the parchment fall to the garden soil at her knees as it faded into nothing.
She covered the ashes with the living soil and stood with thanks to the Goddess once more for allowing her to at least taste that kind of love.

She Did Not Need Much

The note lay on the end table.
A plain notebook. Nothing to adorn it except the perfect lettering within.
The pencil lay like the sword it was.
It should be covered in blood.
It was the instrument that let us know the outcome of the words.

Such mournful words that emanated such hurt.
But to know the woman was to know kindness in the darkest of times.
To know her was to have the gentle kiss upon your brow to ease your pain.
A gift on your doorstep to brighten your day.
A kind word on her lips to make your smile wider.
Yes, she was that joyful soul.
Or so you thought.
So you saw when directed towards you but we now know those words shed light on a dreamer, a woman who felt hopeless and rejected.

The words etched so carefully upon the page read;

"She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word. Sincerity. Fresh air. Clean water. A garden. Kisses. Books to read. Sheltering arms. A cozy bed and to love and be loved in return."

There's a Moment in Life

Another day in defeat.
Curling up in bed, listening to the rain fall.
How I wish it would wash me away.
Take me apart and turn me into something new.
Twist my atoms into a grand spectacle of joy that could be loved.

But I remain as I am; nothing.
Helpless I lay within my darkness.
Rejected by all.
Succored by none.
Strangled by the sorrow of being alone.
Wholly, mournfully alone.
Even in a room full of people, I am still disheartened to see
I am forgotten.
Not worth the effort.

There's a moment in life
when you get tired of chasing everyone and everything.
That moment stretches and a troubled silence fills the air.

Slighted once again.
Painful memories of loss filling my mind.
I close my eyes for it is time to escape.

To go some place where I am wanted.
To be joyful.
To be at peace at last.

Just No Avoiding It

She threw the last box into the car and slammed the trunk and in that moment the time had come to go away from the pain. To wander on her own way and not look back. So many did not look back at her while she laid in the dirt.
"Why are you doing this?" a voice said behind her and she turned to see her friend standing there. A sad look in her eyes.

"I need a change. I need to get away."

"Why so far away? I am going to miss you."

She nodded and then sighed.
"I will miss you too but this has to be where I go. I need to be gone. I cannot...I just cannot be reminded day after day of the loss I am living in."

"I know. I know why you are doing this but I think it's better to stand and face it all. Show him you are not running away. Things happen, things fall apart but you don't have to. You can avoid the pain, the person, the people, you can walk around them and just look other ways. Life will get back to normal."

She paused for a moment, a string of words in her head that were laced with pain. It seemed she could not cry anymore but she sure ached. Her gaze fixed to the horizon and she said softly.

"There is just no avoiding it: there will be times in your life where you will be stabbed by someone or something or perhaps the world itself, and then it's all you can do to keep your eyes open and your breath even and your legs from giving out from underneath you, your ears will hear nothing but screams of disappointment for bleeding all over the carpet."

Her friend just stood there open mouthed at her.

"My eyes are closed, my breath never comes deep and my legs have given out. I am bleeding out all over the carpet and I cannot stand the noise any longer. I am running away. I cannot face this life of disappointment any longer." She shook her head.

She leaned to her friend, hugged her tight and said softly. "Come visit. It's always warm where I will be."

Her friend had unshed tears in her eyes as she got into her car.
Backing out she did not look back.
It hurt her for she knew she was leaving people behind who cared for her but for once in her life she would do something selfish. She would have what she wanted.
Finally.
Even if she climbed the mountain alone.

No Faith, No Trust

She saw the phone light up with the fifth call in the last ten minutes from her friend and she decided she had better answer or she would blow up the phone with her screaming voicemail.
A resigned sigh escaped her as she answered.

"Hello"

"Oh my hell it's about time you answered." her friend yelled.

She rolled her eyes knowing what was coming and leaned back with her eyes closed.

"Sorry, was busy."

"Yeah right. Now you need to get your ass dressed cause we are going out tonight."

"I really don't want.."

"I don't care what you want." her friend interrupted and then continued.
"You have been sitting in that apartment with all those unopened boxes for a week. You need to get out and do something. At least have a drink with other people rather than being some sneaky drunk in the closet."

"I am not a sneaky drunk." She exclaimed, offended but then looked at the half bottle of wine sitting next to her chair and all the unopened boxes around.
Shit, she was a sneaky, closet drunk. Melancholy washed over her. She did not know how to be single. It had been over twenty years. She was a loser. No one wanted her. And hell, she did not trust anyone anymore. They were all out for their own agendas.

"Damn it. I am coming over. At least take a shower!" Her friend yelled and hung up the phone.

"Fuck." she said to the room at large and then stood up. Looking down at her yoga pants she realized she had not showered yet today.
"Fuck. I do not want to do this." Fear raced through her but she knew she had to do this. She had to.

An hour later she was standing in her tiny kitchen washing the last of the glasses when her doorbell rang.
Opening the door she smiled at her friend who walked in carrying a gift bag.

"We are having a divorce party tonight." she said with a smile and set the bag down on the table.

"Why?"

"Cause you need to celebrate. You are starting a new life. You need to get out and meet people. Have fun." her friend pulled out a bottle of wine, two new fancy wine glasses and a bag of red vines. She grinned at the red vines. She loved those things and then she got sad as some memories hit her.

"Ah ah..no no...."her friend yelled and swatted at her arm. "No thinking. No sadness. Go out and get a fuck buddy! yeah that's it."

"Oh hell no. I can't do that. I am incapable of that." she said with a fear as she wanted that one time but was denied.

"Hey, talk to me please. I know this has been hard. I know you are mourning but its time to get out there again. People are not as bad as you make out. Men are not ALL bad."

She looked at her friend and then sighed softly.

"I don't put my faith or trust in anyone anymore. After a while you just get tired of being disappointed constantly."

Her friend stared at her a moment and then laid a hand on her arm.

"I know it's been tough. You have really found who has your back and who the assholes are, friends and foes have shown their colors. But know this, you can trust me and there are men out there who would lie down on a train track for you. So let's just go out, have one drink and we will just take it easy this time around."

She stared down at the empty glass sitting on the table and then nodded.
It was time to get out there and see what she could do.
There was no rush.
She knew her mind was tainted and perhaps time out would help make her see that her perceptions are skewed by recent events.

"Let's go before I change my mind." She said and grabbed her purse.

"Hell yes." her friend yelled.

Touching Skin

Her gaze followed him as he walked across the room and into the next.
Desire was like a living thing within her.
She needed to taste him once again.
To run her tongue along the skin of his neck. To bite him gently.
She wanted to feel him shiver against her.
She needed to hear his groan of desire.
Heat flowed over her skin as she stood.
Time to be bold.
Time to take what she wanted.
Time to go get what he offered.

She stepped into the room where he was staring at a computer, very intent on his work.
A small, mischievous smile tugged at her lips as she quietly came up to stand behind him.
She knew he could see her there, saw his body go tense and all movement cease.
His chin lifted a scant inch as he did not know what to expect.
Their last conversation had been interesting and not in a very good way.

She leaned down, settling her hands on his shoulders and she could feel him shiver slightly.
Lips close to his ear she whispered.

"I just need my skin to be touching your skin right this very instant."

His slight inhale of breath was all the invitation she needed and her lips pressed to the sensitive skin behind his earlobe.
His breath came out in a soft groan and before she could even contemplate her next move he had reached around, pulled her down as he turned his chair and she was sprawled on his lap.
Her green gaze met his dark one and she was thrilled to see hot desire within those sensual depths.

"Mine." he gruffly said and then his lips crashed down to her own.

His tongue sliding through her mouth sent tremors through her body and her hands reached up, finding their way into his thick dark hair.
Their kiss went on for so long she felt as if she were floating.
When his lips left hers she opened her eyes to look at him.
He said nothing, just stared down at her with an expression of stubborn arrogance and she knew any moment he was going to go back to his normal silence.
She needed to stop this now.

Her fingertips trailed over his jaw, her eyes softened and then she allowed all she felt for him to shine in those emerald depths. She was rewarded with his eyes going wide in realization.
Then she whispered as she looked into his eyes.

"Yours. Only yours."

No words were needed and his lips claimed hers once again.

Ghosts

He walked into the house, toweling the sweat off his face.
Pausing in the kitchen he stared out the window as the conversation earlier replayed in his mind.

"Nah man, you just need to forget and move on. What's done is done. You can't change the past, you can only look to the future. If this person cannot be with you as you need her to be then it's time to mosey on your way." his friend said as they stood in the middle of the field, soccer ball quiet between them.

"It's hard though. It's like ghosts have moved into my heart mind and soul.I don't know how to banish her from my mind." he said with a sigh.

"You need to exorcise those thoughts. Ghosts and spirits don't exist my friend. Trust me." his friend said and then kicked the ball and raced after it.

They had not talked anymore about the situation but now as he stood in the kitchen he knew his friend was so very wrong. Ghosts did exist. He had one that would never go away. The way she felt against him, the taste of her skin, and the way she could make him smile with such ease. He fell so hard and fast and he knew she did too. It was wild, exciting and so dammed intense. So intense that he had to close himself off and run away from the spirits that plagued him night and day. Spirits that taunted and teased him to have just one more taste, just once more. It was agony.
He rubbed at his eyes, feeling the hot stab of tears and that made him a little angry. Then he sighed with resignation and closed his eyes, hands gripping the edge of the counter.

"Ghosts don't exist they said, spirits are not real they insisted. Then how, I asked, how do you explain the way I am still and always will be, haunted by the thought of her?"
He said softly to the room.

With an ache in his heart he turned away to go shower and try not to think.

Escape

Mind is a storm of questions that really have no answer.
Do I stay.
Do I go.
What happens with everything I have made with my own blood, sweat and tears?

Home?
Broken
Heart?
Broken
Soul
Shattered

I just want to escape....

   someone take my hand and please show me the way to a new life.

   A life where I can love myself.
     A life where I can be myself.

Last Words

The sky was dark with the impending storm.
Thunder rolled in the distance but the air remained still.
So still you could taste the world in one breath.
Car exhaust. Cigarette smoke. Cut grass.
And something like a shock to the tongue, the energy of all that was spinning around us.

Her green gaze met his dark eyes across the expanse of grass.
A knowing shiver washed over her skin.
Fire leaped between them as he walked towards her.

As he stopped a few feet away she lifted her chin.
Ending. Final. Over.
Lightning flashed  furiously above them and the thunder boomed its displeasure immediately.
They froze knowing they had only moments to say their harsh words and be done.

Her tears would not be held back any further and those sad green eyes began to show their weakness.
She watched his own dark eyes fill with their sadness and he stepped closer.
One hand lifting to brush those pain filled pearls away from her cheek.
But his hand stopped a mere inch from her skin.
Her breath had stopped praying for his touch but also wanting to recoil.
The pain of this all was so much to bear. Her heart felt as if it would splinter into a million shards of bloody pinpoints of pain.

Their eyes remained on one another.
Words were not needed now.
Love and pain banded between them.
Tied them into knots they did not know how to unravel.

The skies opened then and drowned them in rain.

But nothing would wash away the need they had for one another.
Nothing would take away the pain they were feeling.
They wanted each other but circumstance and their pasts kept them apart.

With a soft cry that thunder echoed she turn and fled into the woods.
Her small form disappearing from him.
Swallowed by the darkness.

He stood in the rain letting the water mix with his heartfelt tears.

She Was the Rain

He rolled over enjoying the coolness of the sheets against his skin and the dawn illuminated the sleeping woman beside him.
His heart skipped a beat as she was here, really and truly here beside him and the joy filled him.
Never did he think they would be here together like this. A pair. A force to be reckoned with. The love that shone out from them to the world was blinding. He had been told that by their friends, that they were like little twin suns that melded together to be one blazing super nova of passion.
He loved it.
He loved her.
He would do something special for her. He would cook a great breakfast but first he had something to say.
Pen set to paper he began to write what was in his heart.

"She was the rain"
Some days I wake up and think of all the men before me
and the fools they were to ever
let you slip through their fingers.
They were such damn fools, you know?
They were the type of people to watch the rain
through their windows and say
"Don't you just love the rain."
I, on the other hand, was the only one to watch it pour outside,
take my shoes off and anxiously and bravely
go dance madly in you.

He laid the note on his pillow and slipped off to make her happy.
It was all he wished to do for she made him the happiest man in the world.

Language of Your Beating Heart

He just could not sit still today and people were noticing it.
This was the third time in an hour he had walked away from his desk.
The pins and needles along his spine and scalp were making him jittery and he found it was also making him pretty damn irritable. He had snapped at more than one person who asked him what his problem was.
One person he said it was them as he stalked off.
What the hell was his damn problem.
He sighed as he stood in the bathroom staring at himself in the mirror.
Sliding one hand through his hair he froze as a thought hit him.
It was premonition.
It had to be that.
A knowing that was crawling over his skin, making him pay attention.

He flew back to his desk and packed up. He was leaving. Something was happening right now and he knew in his heart it was her.
He almost ran out the door of the building but he kept his pace fast as he headed across the parking lot to his truck. He glanced to where she usually was but he saw no car there and his heart pounded and not a small amount of disappointment filled him.
Damn he hoped he could have at least saw her. He loved looking at her. Loved remembering.

He reached his truck and froze as his eyes fell to the scrap of paper tucked in the door handle.
Looking around again he saw no one and then plucked the note from the door.
He unrolled it and the words jumped out into his heart and mind.

My fears are plenty but I have only ever had one dream -
That I will learn the precise language of your beating heart
and to find the perfect way to mingle these words and letters together
so that they may become stars to shine the most breathtaking
light upon your silent face.

He stood there, reading the note over and over again, his heart pounding in his chest.
It was from her he knew that and he knew that his woman, this wonderful, darkly romantic woman had his heart but he could not give it to her freely. No, he kept it from her. A secret.
It was his fondest desire to kiss her lips once again but the situation was something he could not handle.
He read the note one last time, a small crooked smile appeared at her choice of words, silent face. His smile faded and he stood silent staring at the words she wrote.

He hung his head a moment feeling the pain of loss within.
Then with a deep breath, he folded the note carefully and placed it within his wallet to keep forever more.
Maybe someday the situation would change and then he would teach her the language of his heart himself.

Admission

He groaned softly as he awoke from the dream.
Running both hands through his hair he kept his eyes tightly closed as he sat up.
He did not want to remember but the damn images kept flashing before his minds eye.
His hands sliding over her skin.
The way she felt the moment he buried himself inside of her. Feeling like he was home.

Opening his eyes he realized the sun was coming up and he said aloud to the empty room.

"Fuck! Great! Lost an hour of sleep."

He threw himself back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.
He knew he would never forget the feel of her skin. The taste of wine on her lips. The sweet, slick heat she gifted him with that night.

He groaned again and felt his heart clench with pain.
He grabbed his phone, clicked into his social media site he frequented and began to type something he needed to get off his chest.

"I admit I was afraid to love. Not just love, but to love her. For she was a stunning mystery. She carried things deep inside her that no one has yet to understand and I, I was afraid to fall like the others. She was the ocean and I was just a boy who loved the waves but was completely terrified to swim."

He pressed post and then tossed the phone aside.
She won't see it but he had to say it.

He just wished he had the courage to say it to her face.....say anything to her face....tell her the truth.

Tell her he loved her.
Tell her he really did adore her but he could not do as she needed him to do.

Run Away

He stood watching her walk away. He would not look away. He needed to keep his gaze on her small form for it was going to be a long time before he saw her again.

A soft sigh escaped him as he watched the wind caress her hair and how he wished he was the one tugging those soft strands off her cheek.
His fingertips would brush her skin and the tingles of desire would shoot up his arm.
He licked his lips. He remembered the first moment their lips met and it was like a storm of desire hit him head on.
He had never faced such passion before in his life.
It was terrifying.
Overwhelming.
And so very intoxicating.
He delved into that mouth with everything he had and he knew he would be addicted.

he had to turn away.
He had to run away.

Does it make me weak or rather just human that I run away from the things that I love the moment they begin to hurt me?

He had to guard his heart against the temptress she was.
She was good to her soul. Her smile sweet. Her words always kind.
her understanding nature something he had always wished for.
A soul that understood the dusty, mixed up corners of his own.

She would not be free to be his.
He could not handle that.
he needed her...all of her...all the time.

With a distressed sigh he turned again from her form and walked away.

Weary Hands

She slammed the door closed in her car and gripped the steering wheel tightly.
She would not cry damn it, no she would not.
She would not sit in the parking lot and cry over someone who could care less.
Good Goddess all of this made her into some tormented, demented little thing and it really incensed her.
Sniffing loudly she stared at her hands on the steering wheel, at her white knuckles as she got herself under control.
Her heart was exhausted. Her soul mournful. Her mind overwhelmed. Her body felt achy.
Overall she felt unloved and unwanted. It demoralized her to the point where she was now not just fearful it shifted to a very hostile attitude.
Another deep breath and she closed her eyes.
Keep calm and let the tension slowly drain away.

She opened her eyes and then glanced at her ipad.
Grabbing it she felt the words start to build and she needed to let them out.'

The blog.

She had no one to talk to so this way she could get these feelings out of her soul.
She felt alienated and so inadequate.
This had to stop. My hell it had to end now because she could not justify these feelings anymore.

She logged into her blog and began to write.

Weary hands and heavy hearts be still

Swollen eyes and stolen breath be still.

Shaking skin and soul sick sighs be still.

Unheld glances and untouched fingers be still.

Be still.

She stared at her writing and it blurred before her eyes.
Tears streamed down her face and she let them flow unchecked.

She needed joy in her life and only she could give it to herself.

Pain to Pleasure

Do you miss me?

I doubt it.

If you did then there would be roses for me to smell.

There would be notes to let me know you were thinking of me.

I would get a hello now and again.

Smiles would be tossed my way.

There would be chance meetings.

More smiles.
Sweet, crooked, I have a secret smiles.

My pain of thinking you hated me would shift to pleasure.
For I would know you missed me too.
Even the tiniest bit.

But what I get now is nothing but head down.
No eyes meet my own.
Taken from friends lists.
Left behind and tossed aside for transgressions that I did not even understand.

And now where am I?

Alone.
All alone in my sadness that I created.

Having My Say

She walked to the white board in the conference room and she realized that for once in her life she was going to be bold. Do whatever she felt needed to be done.

The meeting would be held in about twenty minutes so she needed to get her task done.
He would see her missive and hopefully he would get the hint.
No more would she remain silent in her pain.

She grabbed a blue pen and began to write.

There were things you wanted to tell me
And there were things I was dying to say.
But you were scared
And my voice faltered
So we both sewed our lips shut
and buried it away.

She signed the bottom; By the Stranger

She tossed the pen into the tray and stalked out of the room.

Holy shit she was tired of skulking around in the shadows, hiding where she could not be seen and licking her wounds.
She had enough of these men who think they could do whatever they desired.
Screw them.
She would pack her stuff, move away down south and spend her days in the beautiful places alone.
Alone would be better than having people lie, cheat and hurt her.

She let the door slam shut behind her.

Sinking Heart

 Her gaze found him as it always was seeking to find him even when she really was afraid to see him. She almost did not recognize him and it made her sad, so sad to see him there without her. He seemed so cheerful, lost in his own little world that did not include her.

She never seemed to learn. That high she got from him made everything so much harder to move on. She could still remember his kisses. The way his dark eyes bored into her soul and the way he made her feel so gorgeous and alive.

Ducking her head she turned away and walked off in another direction, hiding her forlorn look as it would not do to allow him to see such a thing.

Not that he would even care. He walked away from her without even a backward glance.
She felt like such a failure at the one time she tried to love a new way. Tried to be that thing he treasured above all else.

Those thoughts made her soul ache.

Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed to pale beside him.

She was shaken by her feelings for someone she barely knew.

At this point she figured she was nuts and decided to just bury her head in the sand, stay hidden away and see what the future would bring.
Right now her future looked lonely, sad and heartbreaking as her world was crumbling down around her.
Things were in motion that she had no idea how to handle and she would be on her own to face it alone.

Ah she was so overwhelmed that she felt like running away.

Far away.
Far Far Away.

Every Man

She sat down on the bench and sighed with relief at the shade the large tree provided. It was early evening but the heat was still up and she thought a good skating session on the river way would be a good release of tension. Things had been so bad lately in her life and she needed to do something to relieve the stress. Ducks floated by on the swiftly moving river and she could hear the screams of children in the distance at the park up the pathway. She wished she could understand why men did what they did. It seemed they acted without care or concern for whom ever their actions affected. She let a loud sigh escape her and was startled at a voice.

“That’s a pretty deep sigh there.” A male voice said. She looked up to see an old man, cane in hand, smiling at her.

She returned the smile and nodded.
“Yeah, well when you have man troubles it seems the thing to do.”

“Do you mind if I sat a moment. Heat and I do not get along these days.” He said.

“Please, sit.” She waved at the empty end of the bench.

They sat in silence a moment then the man pointed his cane at the ducks floating in the river.

“They have the right idea. They just float with the current. What’s the use of fighting their way upstream when they can float down stream. Sometimes you can’t fight so you just go with the flow.”  He said but kept staring at the river.

She considered his words and they did ring true, but cynicism had gotten a hold of her.

“But if they just float down river, the struggle to get back up is harder. They would have to walk back or fly. Perhaps a little struggle to get back up is better?”

“Perhaps but it depends on the worth of the struggle. You could fight the current of circumstance for a short while, win the battle and be rewarded but most often it ends up being a  battle of epic proportions and by the time you have reached the end you are exhausted and cannot give time and attention to what is important.”

Now the man looked at her and she looked at him. He was one of those non-descript old men that would never stick out in a crowd. Bowler hat on his head, tan khakis on, white tennis shoes and a white collared shirt, he looked like a normal old man but something prickled along her spine. He seemed to ‘know’ what was going on and so she paid attention.

“All I know is the battle I am fighting with…someone…is tough. I hate feeling like I am being ignored and left behind. I feel lost because he clams up and I know nothing. I have to guess. I try to understand, be patient and kind but hell, it’s hard.” She shook her head and looked at her skates feeling sadness fill her.

“Every man has some reminiscences which he would not tell everyone, but only to his friends. He has others which he would not reveal even to his friends, but only to himself, and that in secret. But finally there are still others which a man is even afraid to tell to himself, and every decent man has a considerable number of such things stored away. That is, one can even say, that the more decent he is, the greater the number of such things in his mind.”

With that the man stood and tipped his hat.

“Be careful of the heat my dear and remember, just because you did not hear the words does not mean they are not being said in his mind. Good evening.”

Then he slowly walked down the path to disappear around the corner.

She was so stunned at his words that she said nothing, not even goodbye. The words resonated within her soul and she realized he was right. Very right.
She jumped up and skated down the path, following where he had disappeared around the corner, to only see empty pathway for quite a ways.
There was no way he could have gotten that far, slowly walking with his cane.

She stood there in the twilight wondering what had just happened and then heard a loud quack.
A mallard duck floated by on the river, his green feathered head turning this way and that, she watched the duck float along the river. Peaceful and relaxed.
She smiled and skated off, feeling a little of that peace fill her soul.