A Kiss is Just a Kiss

The paper was on his desk glaring at him with those words that seared to his soul. The blue ink stood out against the white, so plain to see and so was his agony.
He did not move, he just stared down at the paper feeling his heart pound.
Every cell within him wanted to run outside, catch her in his arms before she left for good but he did not move.
Inside his heart screamed; what are you doing!?
Inside his mind screamed back: saving my life!

The words burned onto his heart for eternity.
The memory was always there; the feel of her lips against his. Her eyes were bright with desire and his body trembled with barely contained need.
They lost themselves in one another. Drunk on each other. Not caring about tomorrow. Enjoying the moments as they came. Confident that there would be a tomorrow.

A kiss is just a kiss
until it is with someone
you will truly miss

"I do miss you little one. I'm sorry...so sorry I could not be the your shoulder." he whispered as he scooped up the paper and crumbled it in his hand.

Silently Drawn

She took a deep inhale of the clean air and looked out over the valley below. The sun was setting and the red rocks around her shone like they were on fire. The hike to this place was always tough but it was worth the effort. She felt as if she were on top of the world. There were times when she needed to be in this place of majestic beauty to remind her that there were good things in the world.
Clean air. Beauty of nature that took one's breath away. The feel of the rocks under her boots as she made her way upward to touch the sky.

Here is where she pulled in the natural energies of the earth to recharge. Where her mind would clear and she could gain a positive perspective once again.
She loved these places where nature was unspoiled.
They reminded her that the world will continue onward no matter what happened to her in the everyday world. She could rely on nature to bring her back to herself. She could take in the wildness of the world and say, yes I am a part of it.
She stood, dusted the red dirt from her pants and took another deep inhale of the crisp evening air. Night was falling and soon the stars that one only saw in this unpolluted place would send their light shining down.
Now that she had her perspective back into place she could see all of the things she had facing her these days much clearer.
Backwards was not a way to look but she would tuck away some of those good memories and not so good ones in the file cabinet of her mind.
It is interesting when one lets go, truly just lets go of all expectation and begins to see all things with bright possibility change begins to happen.
The future looks interesting for sure.

She smiled as she took in the scenery before her one more time.
Life was always like this scene right here; lovely, exciting and grand.
One just had to see it.

She hefted her pack on her shoulder and turned to head down the steep mountain trail to find her next adventure.

Meet Me by the Owl

   The envelope came in the mail right after Halloween and she stared at it with trepidation. The return address was puzzling and made her insides quake. She had not spoken with him in over a year and now there was a letter to her. To her home address?
   She turned over the purple envelope, knowing it was a card, but her birthday was not for a month..

"Oh just open it you stupid girl." she muttered to herself as she ripped the envelope.

The card showed Cinderella on the front, standing before her castle and it read. "Happy Birthday Princess!"
A sliver of fear raced through her as she was scared this was going to be a cruel joke. He had a wicked sense of humor and she prayed it was not pointed wickedly at her.
Trembling fingers opened the card and inside were just his handwritten words.

Happy Birthday!
I know this is strange after all this time but give this a chance.
Go to Fast Travel Agency on Main Street and ask for Bruce. He will give you package.
Turn on your imagination and let the magic come forth.
On November 28th meet me at Cinderella's castle where the owl watches.
Your Prince

  Her mouth was dry and head spinning at what this could mean. At a loss she just stood there with about a hundred emotions flying around.

This was all so strange but also a thrill of excitement rushed through her at the prospect of him going this far out of his way to show her he cared.
He did care?
Her eyes dropped back to the words written on the card and shook her head with more than a little confusion.
She would call him and find out what he wanted once and for all. She was so tired of being led astray and it was hard to let her heart open back up.
Grabbing her purse she headed out to her car while she dialed his number.
It went to voicemail and the sound of his voice sent shivers of pure desire through her.

Sorry I can't take your call right now but please leave your number and I will get back to you. Oh, and if this is my princess, trust me, this once just trust me and I will not let you down.

Tossing the phone into her open purse on the seat next to her in the car she was stunned. Great Goddess, he was serious. Truly serious and now her nerves jacked up into a wilder level.

Later on she sat in the car in front of Fast Travel and gathered her wits about her. A deep inhale, a slow exhale she stepped out of the car and into the office.

"Hi, may I help you?" a blonde woman asked with a smile.

"I am looking for Bruce?"

"Hi...you have the card?" A tall older man said as he walked forward from the back of the small office.
She saw he had silver hair and a gentle smile, which made her relax a little bit. Jumpiness not in her nature but she felt as if sandpaper was running over her skin.

"Um..yes..." She thrust the card at him with what she knew was a sickly smile on her face. she was totally losing it.

"Great...come on back here to my office." He lead the way down the hall and into a small tidy office.
He put a silver box on the table with a purple bow on the desk.

"Just come on out when you are done." he said and walked out of the room.

The box sat there looking very scary. Something intense was in there. A life changing deal for sure.
She pulled the top of box off and inside she found a water globe with Cinderella's castle in it from Disneyland.
Under that was a plane ticket for the 27th, a room at the Grand Californian hotel and a piece of paper that she saw was another note from him,

My Princess,
Come fly to my castle so I may rescue you from this life. Allow me to sweep you off your feet.
All you need to do is tell my faithful friend Bruce that you accept the adventure that has been laid before you. If you choose not to come to the land where dreams do come true I will understand.
Allow me to be your prince. Allow me to redeem myself.
With all my Love, your servant.

Her heart felt as if it would beat out of her chest. Fly to California for, she glanced at the ticket to see when she would come back, four days to play in Disneyland with someone who shattered her heart with his silence. Goodness, what the hell. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths to calm her trembling body.
This man was still under her skin, flowing through her veins and etched on her heart deeply. He was her soul and she had always wanted to be his but he chose another. It hurt. It took her confidence in love away.
But he was trying......yes he was.
But could she trust him?

She walked out into the office and up to Bruce who was standing next to the front counter.

"Sir. I accept the adventure." she stated with a lift to her chin.

The man smiled and said, "Excellent. Then you have your documents. Safe trip and remember....adventure is magic we spin ourselves. Enjoy."

She could not help but to smile as she was feeling the excitement build.
Now she had to wait weeks before she could leave. Before she would see him again.
Oh my. She froze next to her car and sighed.

"What do I wear?!"

Just Breathe

"I am so nervous it is not funny. I mean it is one damn sentence that is flirty and here I am all a hot mess about it."

She said as she stalked around the room pulling drawers open and slamming them closed.

"It's so stupid that I cannot even understand what flirting is when its put in my face. Oh my hell where is my..." she stopped ranting as she pulled a purple journal from the final drawer in the room.

Shaking her head she turned to stare at Fitz, her black and white cat who was lounging on the chair watching her intently.

"Fitz, why am I such a loser when it comes to this sort of thing?" she asked the cat as she settled into the couch opposite.

Green eyes just gaze calmly at her.

"You are right. I should be confident in myself. I am a writer after all and I have made many swoon with my word smith work."
She flipped open the journal to a blank page, clicked her pen to the ready to write position and waited.

The page remained blank. She sighed and looked up to see Fitz yawn at her then blink sleepily.
"Yeah. I know. Boring. But I worry if I am too goofy he will think I am a dork. Then if I get all intellectual then I am too serious. I swear I can't win with this stuff. I was called overwhelming once you know. I say it was their weakness that could not handle it. I admitted when I said too much but hell, I hate dating a sphinx. Don't riddle me nothing boy, just give it to me straight. Why can't people just say what the hell they mean."

The cat licked a paw then stared at her calmly.

"I want to impress him so much. He has the most lovely smile. His sense of humor is wicked and I want to meet with him, talk more, get to know him and just let things naturally go where they may. I am tired of these men who get to know me and run away. I am not scary, I am just five feet of nothing really. Just a little gal who wants to be friendly."

The cat stood, stretched languidly and then sat down again watching her intently.

"Just breathe. Yes. You are right. Thanks for the talk Fitz. Guys could learn from you."

She stood and petted the cat on the way out the door.

Why?

   He stood staring at the mountains and saw it was storming. The clouds were low and dark which only meant the snow was flying there. It had turned cold and he stood alone, watching another winter descend. It was in these moments after a solitary dinner in front of the television he realized he made a mistake. But what could you do now?

  That thought made his heart clench and he gripped the counter tight in his hands. The pain he tried to drown, bury in another or run from never went far. It seemed to be right there ready to remind him with sharp stabs he truly fucked up.
  Right now he was dysfunctional. Who he was with was worse. There were only good moments and he wanted more but would there ever be?
  A soft sigh and he realize he let her go. He let the one he truly loved to stay in this dysfunctional mess.

  His gaze drifted back to the mountains and he whispered sadly.
  "Why did you let her go? That girl was perfect for you and you were too stupid to realize that. She loved you so much, she would do anything for you. But for you it was easier to just push her away." he took a deep breath and closed his eyes feeling the sorrow well up inside.
  He whispered again.
   "Why is it so hard to let her inside? She's worth it. She's not like other girls. One day you'll wake up and you'll realize that she was worth the fight. But you won't be able to change anything because you never gave her a reason to stay."
He stood there, silently gripping the counter with his head down as tears fell to the floor.

Walk to the Light

She stood at the edge of her life and had to make a decision.
The way to the Light was before her and should she take the next step.
Allow the fetters of her earthborn life to fall free into nothing while she runs towards her salvation.

The clouds rolled in, the wind picked up and soon the Light was a beacon in the darkening sky.
Her gaze stared at the old boards under her feet and she knew each plank was a sliver of one of her many lives.
She was weary in mind, body and soul.
Holding the weight of so many on her shoulders had bent and twisted her into something she did not recognize anymore.
Their problems. Their lost loves. Their indecisions. Their selfishness. Their greed.
All weighted her down inside and while she tried to siphon it all off she could not and it stained her soul. All the darkness took her soul and made it a mottled, brown thing that needed the Light to wash her clean.

Her driving force on this plane was to heal.
But so much was hurting. So may lied. Cheated. Died.
So heavy. So tiring.

Her watery gaze lifted to the light once again. She knew if she crossed to the center of the walkway she would forfeit her life.
Leave those who loved her behind to fend for themselves.
A glance behind her where the movie of this life played and a frown creased her brow as she saw so many walk away from her. She was their rock, their shoulder, their friend, their lover and yet they chose others, chose to leave her in silence and walk away to allow her to think she was nothing worth fighting for. She was forgettable. She was worthless.

"Why can't I have what I want?" she wailed as she sank to her knees on the slightly damp wooden bridge.

"why?" she whispered as she watched the image of a dark haired, dark eyes man cross before her and her heart broke all over again.

She saw everyone she had ever loved leave. Left her behind.
Only remembering her when she was needed.
She would be called selfish. She would be hated for what she had done.
No one would understand because all of their condemnations would be for themselves. For their loss and not her own.
She needed selfish right now to save her soul.
Her soul. She was tired of soothing everyone else's soul while hers withered away.

She stood and wiped angrily at her tears and took a deep, calming breath.
She turned to the walkway once again and the Light at the end.
With a lift of her chin she allowed the gossamer white gown float away on the wind and with determination she walked towards the Light and her salvation.

Lost Friendship

You told me I could always talk to you.
You told me your shoulder was mine to lean on.
That my tears’ wetting your shirt was an honor.
You told me you were my friend.
We kissed. We loved.

Silence.

You did not want me to talk to you anymore.
You hid your shoulder from me.
My tears fell to the ground unheeded.
You took away your friendship.
Now we are strangers.

Silence.

Never Good Enough

Her gaze lifted from her desk as everyone around her walked away. She heard snippets of they were all going to lunch, she heard them calling to various people as they walked by and then the room was silent. She looked back to her desk, the book open before her and let out a soft, pain filled sigh.

Tears did not fall anymore.
She did not have them left.
Always invisible and left out....she was used to it.

A pad of paper sat next to her and impulsively she began to write.

I'm the girl who is never good enough.
Not for her friends, her family, boys, anyone.
I'm the bounce back.
I'm second choice.

"Second choice?" she said softly, scoffing and then scratched out the last line on the page and wrote.

I'm never chosen.

She threw the pen down, gathered her things and walked down the stairs slowly. Relishing the silent stairway, marveling at the marble beneath her feet and she wondered if anyone would notice she was gone.
Not just today.
But forever.

Ah, maybe for a moment they would but then she would be forgotten.
Like the day it snowed for five minutes in December.
Unremarkable. Nothing grand at all.

Empty

Many people say they're empty.
But I'm too full.
Full of memories, fears, hope, love and anger.
I have too much inside myself.
I have a heart that's getting too heavy to carry around.
I feel so much I can't have peace.

Peace is a distant memory.
Something that seems as if it was a glimmer from my childhood.
Back then when I was free to stand in the street and cry when pain assailed.
Someone would come, pat me on the back and tell me it would be ok.
Now as I sit on my bed, eyes watching the movie of memories inside and the tears fall...
there is no one to pat my back.

I am lost in a world where I am not wanted.
I stand on the sidelines of life.
Wishing.
My heart bleeds a little more every day.
Blood being replaced by stone.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I want to be numb.
I want to never love again.

Drowning

   The wine reflected the light off the lamp as she swirled the last little bit in the glass. She was feeling so very sad this night and it made her want to drink deeply to deaden her heart. No more feeling the pang of being pushed aside. No more feeling the pain of being looked at as a freak. Perhaps after this wine was gone she should just go. Be done with it all.

   She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle. Dragged under the dark waves of her sorrow that she had to hide with smiles all day. Always lifting others up out of their dark waters while she was left to drown. She had not strength left in her at all.

Yes. it was time to give up.

No song made her feel any better for any song she listened to did not soothe her soul it only reminded her of those who chose others than her.

The words of longing crooned in the songs, the words of loss were never for her, they were always for that bitchy woman, that young woman, that woman who danced on tables while she sat in the corner and watched.

When would someone fight for her?
When would she be SEEN for more than a moment?

So tired of being turned away from by everyone.
Talking and no one is listening.
Bleeding and no one cares.
Dying and no one mourns.

You Deserve

  "Why in the hell are you still mooning over that asshole." he said angrily as he turned to see her wiping a tear from her cheek.
Gods it pissed him off to no end that she was still wanting that piece of shit who just turned around and walked away from her without a word. How could he even do it? There is no way he could ever hurt her. He sighed and then froze as he stared into her green eyes. They were sad but there was something else there as she looked at him. Something that he had been trying to not see for a long, long time.
Fuck. He was as selfish as that asshole was.
He kept her at arms length because he was friends with her and he did not want to cross that line but he knew the score. He knew that her situation was something different but hell, he wanted.....
His thoughts trailed off as he spun around quickly to look out the window lest she see the confusion in his eyes. Damn. Damn. He took a deep breath and made a decision.
He turned to look at her. Saw the dried tears on her face. Felt her pain radiate towards him laced with hope.
Yes. He made his decision.

"You deserve flowers on your doorstep and coffee in the morning. You deserve notes left on your dashboard and ice cream sundaes at 3am." he said softly. He crossed the room to kneel before her, his eyes pinned to hers.

"You deserve honesty every day and to be kissed every hour. You deserve to be reminded how beautiful you are."

His hands took hers in his and he smiled gently. He thrilled that her green eyes widened at his words and the pain that had been there had been replaced with joy.

"You deserve someone who loves you just as you are at this moment and is willing to take on whatever situation you present. All because you are worth it. Worth the effort. Worth the love."

He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers in their first kiss.

Yes it was true. Fireworks did explode when one kissed their soul mate.

Fall Asleep Beside You

She was pissed she had not talked to him in a while.
They had fun the last time they were together. They were silly friends that could do anything with one another and be happy.
Now he was avoiding her and it hurt.
That night....that wild, emotional, spiritual crazy night changed everything and she wanted her buddy back in her arms.
She grabbed her phone and stared at his number.

"I am going to say whatever comes out of my mouth damn it." she said and stabbed his number to call.

Butterflies swirled around in her body and she waited for him to answer. She wanted his voicemail for she figured she would not say what was on her mind if he answered. She was a chicken for sure.
Ah, voicemail.
His voice made her shiver then she began to speak after the beep.

"FUCK! I wanna see you and hug you and kiss you and make you smile and make you laugh and just lie on the sofa next to you and then just fall asleep beside you. It'd be nice. So call me damn it."

She hung up and tossed the phone on the bed.
her whole body was trembling with fear.
What if that pissed him off and he stopped talking to her forever.
Fear sliced through her and she almost called back to apologize but then something inside said wait.

Wait and see.

My Heart Falls from the Sky

The note lay on her desk, a very empty desk and he picked it up with disbelief and read:

I have this bad habit of getting close to people and thinking that their always going to be by my side; but eventually they always leave.
I have this bad habit of loving people a little too much, when they don't even love me back; and when they leave me my heart feels like someone threw it from the sky.
I have this bad habit of caring for people, when they don't even care about me at all. Perhaps, if they saw through my eyes they'll see the scars I have deep down inside.
I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I wish feelings didn't exist.
Why do feelings exist anyway?
I always fall for everything and let it destroy me. It's my fault after all, but I still have hope that one day I find a person that shares the same bad habits as me.

He stood and looked around, wondering where she went, and then tossed the note back to the desk and walked away silent.

She needed to learn to be like other people. To harden herself against feeling but it was so hard when their emotions became hers.
Being such a strong empath made her weak when it came to her own emotions.
She knew who to love and why she loved them, even if it was not evident to others why she was in love.
She saw that under layer of the person and when it clicked with her soul she loved.
That one she loved even if others cautioned her not to.
She loved him instantly which was a shock to her very walled off cautious self.
Now a piece of her soul had chosen to walk away. To be loyal to something that was wrong.
Yet here she was still being tender towards him, understanding his choices and walking away to allow him to be as he was. Happy in his way.
Wiping tears away she slipped into her car and tossed the bag filled with her desk items.
Once glance at the building as she drove away and she closed the door.
Having it open, even for herself in her solitude, was too hard.
You are the one I love and I am saying goodbye.

She did not see him walk from the building to watch her drive away.
She did not see his concern.

What would happen next?

The same as it had always been: silence.

Never Really Had

The words on the page reverberated pain through her empty heart.

Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of is the thing you never really had.

It was true.
She never had him.
Well only for a moment he was hers. That night he was hers body, mind, heart and soul.
It brought her to her knees with the desire he had.

Then it was over.
Harshly over.
No glances. No talks. No touches. Nothing.
Strangers they had become.

In her day dreams things were different but in reality.....she never had him.
He had given his heart to someone else.
She felt that hurt for years.

What a fool she felt like for falling in love with someone who did not feel the same.
What a fanciful girl she was, thinking just because he touched her and loved her the way he did that there was something there.
Silly thing. You just wished it to be that way.
Wished it with all her heart and soul.

Then his words. His words.
Those sentences with their hidden, between the lines meanings.
She deciphered them.
Knows he cared. How much?
She had no idea but that small tidbit was enough.

The love is still there. Crazy as it is.
There is something there.
A tangible thing that is unlike anything ever experienced before.
Melodramatic as it sounds, it is true.
She was not this emotional silly girl.
She was the opposite. The stoic thing that was friendly but did not allow you too close.
And here she was still pining over someone who obviously did not wish to have anything to do with her.
She feels small. Insignificant. Lost in a love she cannot change to disdain.

It was time to be done. To be fully away for she could not take it anymore.
This was all on her shoulders. She did not push. She did not try to befriend. She did not try to talk. She left it all well enough alone.
No more glances. No more seeing one another across a room, Painfully aware of one another.

She wished for hope. She clung to it.
Thinking...maybe...just maybe things would change and there he would be.
But she could not trust that tiny sliver of hope because it always seemed to betray her.

It was time to be away. Truly and fully away.
If she did not see him she would not love him anymore.
She needed to shred her heart, leave it on the ground and go without for a while.

She is gone now.
Lost girl......out.

Quirks

He turned and glared at her as she sat there talking about all her flaws. Things that he did not see as flaws at all, she was quirky and it made her more interesting. It made him crazy to hear her do this.

"Stop." he ground out and he instantly felt bad when he saw the hurt in her eyes as he cut her off. He just could not listen to her say one more bad thing about her body or the way she seemed to always know just where to poke at him to get a response.

"Has it ever occurred to you that someone might be out there, who notices your small quirks and finds your mind as fascinating as your soul and your body?" He walked towards her, keeping his eyes on hers.
"Someone who's hands get sweaty, their heart starts racing and their breath gets shaky when you are anywhere near and they want to be closer to you but you don't realize."
He hoped his breath was not shaking.
"Because it never occurred to you that someone might be out there who wants to love your smallest quirks."

He was kneeling before her on the couch, his dark eyes intense on hers.
He watched her lick her lips, slide her palms over her legs and could see her trembling.

"Who would that person be who wants to be with outspoken, strange, quirky me?" she said shakily.

He smiled and realized he had his own quirks and this woman knew all of them. Knew them, embraced them and took them in stride.
He leaned closer, watching those gorgeous green eyes widen. He knew this was the right path, this was where he should be.
when he was a scant inch from her lips he whispered.

"That would be me."

His lips pressed to hers in a deep kiss and their racing hearts took off together.

Endless Emptiness

Her green eyes blazed with the pain and anger that had finally chosen this moment to spill forth.
She stood in that dammed parking lot staring at the man who made her feel like nothing when being something mattered.
How dare he stand here, acting nothing had ever passed between them.
With a lift of her chin she lifted a hand, cutting off his chatter about nothing.
He stood, a wariness filled his eyes.

"Do you sometimes have an aching feeling in your bones? That sinking feeling in your stomach? The endless emptiness inside your chest? That's how I felt when I was forced to stand there and see you walk away. And I hope that someday, you will also feel that."
She said and was proud her voice did not waver or crack with emotion. She sounded strong and fierce but the single tear gave away her pain.

Yes their time was short but it meant something to her. Damn him and his secrets.

She turned and walked away. Not looking back this time. Not looking back.

Your Lips

I just want to feel your lips pressed against mine,
forgetting the entire world.
Just you, me and the butterflies in my stomach.

I want to slide my hands under your shirt and feel your skin.
I want to feel your shivers against my form as my tongue traces your bottom lip.

Phones off.
TV off.
No one exists but us, the wine and the music playing in the background telling us to just love.

Forget the world.
Do the right the thing and kiss me again.
Be free within my embrace and shout your love to world.
I will hold your hand while you do it and smile wildly!

Your lips are my carnival.
Teasing, tasting, tantalizing.
I trace them with the tip of my tongue.
A small nip to your lower lip.
I smile against your lips.
"Delicious" I whisper.
Then as I revel in the ride I am on, body tight against yours, hands in your hair I receive my prize.
Your tongue slides into my mouth, your arms tighten around me and you moan with desire.
I feel the lights go off in my head and the music drifts away.

I really want to love you.
whole heartedly.
Openly.
Fiercely.
Loyally.

Through Her Eyes

   She said to me, " Look at life through my eyes," and I did but I couldn't see anything because I was surrounded by darkness.

   The darkness was all consuming and I felt as if I were being smothered by nothing. It was the strangest sensation to see nothing but the blackness of pain and one would think it would be weighty. Aren't we all going on and on about how heavy our hearts are when we are sad?
In my mind I was thinking I could be crushed by the sheer weight I saw in her eyes. It seemed to pull me downward just when I gazed into her sad, green eyes.
But in reality as I stood there staring outward to what she saw I was smothered by the vastness of the emptiness of her heart.
it was then I realized why the nothing was there.
She had to empty her heart and toss it into the nothing so she could not feel.
For once we feel then the heaviness invades us and pulls us down to our doom.
Gravity squared within our emotional maelstrom.

I had to close my eyes to come back to my own self.
I wanted to see the world through my eyes. I was alive there.
But then was I?

I looked at her small form before me and took a step back.
She was everything.
She was the sun, the moon, my air to breathe and I was hers......she was lost within her darkness because I took away her sun, her moon and her purpose to breathe.
So the nothing within her was smothering her slowly.

Weight was there. Now settling on my own heart. I did not realize what I had walked away from.

My soul.

Aching Bones

   "Hey, did you get to meet him last night?" her friend asked as sat down on the chair across from her in the living room.

   She nodded and then sighed. The night was not what she wished it to be. It was great to see him but it was always the same deal. They would not talk for months, then he would ask her out, they would go and talk and it was like no time had ever separated them. It was easy, casual and comfortable and that was a great combination. But nothing else ever came of it though she knew he desired her.

"Yeah we meet and we drink coffee and we talk about our lives and we listen to each others stories hoping that the other will bring up how much they miss the other but no one wants to be that weak. No one wants to admit they miss someone so much their bones ache." another heartfelt sigh escaped her and she ran both hands over her face.

"I am tired. So tired of being left behind." she said softly and stared out the window watching the leaves fly past. Winter was coming and she felt cold within her soul.
Once, just once, she wished someone loved her enough to stay, to fight for her.

Just once.

She Knows

   The cold bite of the wind against her face did not make her walk any faster across the parking lot. Her heart was heavy and light at the same time. She was moving on to a new place, time to start over and put the past behind her once and for all. She smiled at everyone as she left, bubbling over with excitement at the opportunity that was coming but at the same time the sadness lurked.
She felt everything and nothing all at once. Sometimes only the smallest memory or word would shift her into a darkness that seemed to paralyze her.

   Her gaze settled to the truck as it was parked a few spaces down from her car. Her steps slowed and there was the trigger. How could she even care about him after all this time? Not a word had been spoken between them in over a year. It was quite sad but she understood why and she hated it with everything she had inside her. It was silly and she was told she was a foolish, dreamer of a girl so she needed to keep her secret. She knew he did not have a clue that she was hopelessly in love with him and that was ok. It was something she kept within and took with her now as she left.
Left him to his choice.

  She knows he is not hers to have, yet she is still in love with him and the thing that makes her cry at night is the fact that she couldn't help falling for him and if she could she would forget about him but she knows that isn't possible.

    She reached her car, tossed her items inside and slid into the driver seat. Time was supposed to heal but what no one tells you is that the scar left behind from that healing can be more painful than the original wound.

    Her eyes closed she focused on the good that came of it all. She found her groove again with that man. The magic twinkle in his eyes, the desire that crashed them both down to their knees and the taste of wine on his lips were the things she would cherish. She wished him happiness above all else because while she wished he was hers she wanted him to be madly in love. To have those twinkling eyes and crooked smiles for the one that held his heart in thrall and if that was not her, then she wanted him in the arms of the one who could do that for him.

Those thoughts strung together in her mind and of course while a new wound appeared on her heart she ignored the pain, put herself aside for she did not matter at all to him. He made his choice and she could only silently step back and fade away.
It was time to let go of the desire. Let go of the day dreams. Get past that she was not chosen.

Lifting her chin she opened her eyes and started the car with a sigh.

As she drove past that memory she whispered, "I will always love you. Be well my love. Be happy."

She drove out of the lot for the last time and allowed the final tear to roll down her cheek.

No Fear

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

I would walk up to that gorgeous man and tell him I desired him above all others.
That I fell in love with his amused, half smile.
His arrogant stance and lift of his chin when he made some asinine statement.
If I had no fear I would take what I wanted.
I would do as he desired. Take. Claim. Command him to kneel at my feet and worship the Goddess he brought to life.

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

I would walk up behind him and slide my arms around his waist. Pressing my body fully against his as I whisper into his ear what delicious things I would do to him that night.
I would sit on his lap, stare into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him.
How he could make me smile, even on the worst days.
Then I would kiss him until he begged to be inside of me.

Oh the things I would do if I had no fear.

But....I have fear.....

Terrifying

"You don't get it do you?" Her voice had a brittle edge to it as she turned to face him. Eyes bright with emotion she took a step back. She needed space from him or she would touch him and that would shatter her resolve.

"It's absolutely terrifying to let someone in, let them see the darkest corners of your soul. The reasons why you cry and why they make you so happy." her voice broke on the last word. She shook her head, she would not cry, she would not cry damn it.
Her gaze sharpened and she continued.

"It's absolutely terrifying because they might run away with your secrets and never give them back."

She lifted her chin and kept her gaze on his. She was melting inside with desire for this man as well as fear, for he seemed to have taken her soul away without a fight from her at all.
That is what truly terrified her.
The fact that he could come back into her life and take whatever he wanted and she would give it with a sigh of pleasure.

She took another step back, fear making her spine ram rod straight and she knew in this moment they were at a stalemate.
It was time to leave this place once and for all. To close the door on this dark eyed stranger who took her breath away and could send her to her knees with one soft word.
Yes, throw away the key and then cry her heart out over the loss.

Terribly Real

  
  "You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe is why you're in so much pain."

   She stared at him as the words washed over her and she did not know what to say. Her mind raced at why he was standing here, why he was talking to her, and why she even mattered today of all days.
She was leaving, on her way out and ready to start a new chapter of her life and here he was spouting deep thoughts at her.

  "Your pain is evident in your writing little one." he said softly as he stepped closer.
Her heart about stopped at his nearness and she itched to touch him. To feel his skin under her fingertips once again. But she held fast, her green gaze locked to his brown.

"Your pain is evident even now in your gorgeous eyes." He whispered and then his fingertips did slide over her jawline.
She could not breathe. It was as if the desire sucked away every ounce of oxygen in her body and she felt light headed.

"Now you are leaving.....again. Leaving me again." his words were so softly spoken she almost asked him to repeat but instead she said.

"I can never leave you for you are forever in my heart and soul." her words, so softly spoken, visibly hit him.
His movement ceased, his eyes darkened with that desire she always wanted to see again.
then without warning his lips crashed down to hers like a storm.
She was swept away in the tumultuous waves of pleasure.
Her arms snaked around him to find his hair and soon they were pressed to one another as they stood in the cool fall evening.

He broke the kiss, leaning back to stare down into her eyes.

"No more pain. I know we can't start over but let's do things different this time." he said still staring down at her.

"Different so we get a better outcome." her arms still around him she just gazed into his eyes, melting all over.

"So we get the best outcome." he said smiling and tugged her close once again.

She sighed happily, tentatively hoping this could be something grand.

When You Are Near

    They fought earlier. His temper was quick to flare when she touched on the frayed nerves of his control. She wanted to be friends. To be the one he went to when he was troubled or just wanted to hang out. It took a moment to realize this would never happen.
They would never just be friends. The intensity between them made that impossible. Just the thought of him made her breath catch in her throat and her eyes burned with unshed tears.
When she walked away from him, from that terrible exchange of words, she knew it was over. Truly, well done and over.
   The paper in her hand was burning like a brand. It needed to be read, by him and understood. Maybe without a face to face he would hear her, instead of fighting against her. She tucked the paper into the door of his truck and she walked to her car quickly.
She had no idea what her words would do but she had to take a chance.

    He saw the paper and knew right away who it was from. His whole body trembled with a nervous anticipation. The woman knew how to press ever button he had and it drove him mad, in more ways than one. He unrolled it and read the words there.

When you are near it feels like my lungs have too much air in them, like I could never breathe enough.
And whenever you are far my throat closes, like I could never breathe in again.

He stood staring at the words for a moment and realized that his throat had closed. He could not draw in a deep breath and he felt his chest tighten with the deep emotion he carried for this woman. This little slip of a thing that wielded words like daggers and then soothed the wounds with the gentlest of smiles.
He wished things were different. Oh how he wished.
He stood and stared off into the distance not knowing what to do but knowing in his heart that this was the woman he loved more than anything in the world. He just could not bring himself to tell her that. Tell her that he made a mistake. He wanted a rewind button.
But would his situation be any different?
A sigh escaped him and he felt the weight of all of this settled onto his heart.
He was lost.

Jealous

    The air had the cool bite to it when you knew that it was late fall and winter was around the corner. She stood beside her car staring across the parking lot at the small group of people walking towards the building.
He was with those people. Talking. Laughing. Not thinking about her.
She rarely saw him these days and when she did he was always in the company of others.
She could admit it, she was jealous of those people who get to see him, talk to him and be around him every day. He seemed so happy, so at ease with these people and with her he never seemed to be at ease.
That hurt. It made her feel as if she was defective in some way.
    He disappeared into the building and she let out the breath that she had been holding.
She looked at his truck, parking a mere space away from her car, and she decided that since she would never see him again she would leave him a little message.
Walking over to the truck she noted that it was still quite dirty and she shook her head, with a small nostalgic smile on her lips.
With one fingertip she wrote on his driver door.

I'm jealous of the people who get to see you everyday.

It made her sad to have that be her last words to him but he would not talk to her anymore. So she walked away to start a new in another place.

   He watched her leave the parking lot as he walked towards his truck. He always knew when she was around. He felt her within him like a living flame that burned the frayed ends of his control. That woman was his kryptonite and he had to stay away or lose control. He knew he made the worst decision in walking away from her but he had to for....well for what he thought was the right decision.
As he stepped up to the driver door of his truck he saw the delicate words etched in the dust. A small, sad smile touched his lips and he reached out to trace the words with his finger. Just touching what she had just touched made his finger tingle. That little thought of touching what she had touched sent a hot spike of desire through him and he gritted his teeth.
She was his soul. How did one walk away from their soul? When they feared losing their own.

Ghosts in my Heart

    The skies were dark grey with the impending storm. The air was cool and she could not believe that winter was knocking on the door once again. It was depressing to think how fast time was flying by.
Her heels clicked on the pavement as she walked down the street, past all the bustling shops that were filled with lunch time shoppers. Side stepping people and bikes as they hurried to their next destination she felt so alone, so lost within the hustle and bustle of the world.

   Sitting down on a planter bench, under a tree that seemed to be bent on losing its leaves early she sighed softly.
Her heart hurt and it pissed her off that there were still songs, images, smells, tastes and memories that could slice open her heart in an instant. At least she could go a day without thinking about him, about what could have been. She knew she was a fool, a pretty damn big one to love someone that just did not give a shit about you.
She pulled out her journal and pen, flipping open to a new page she let the hurt slide from her soul to the paper. Her way of getting the poison out and somewhere else so it did not fester within.

I need something
I'm beginning to think
that I need anything
Speed in my veins
tar on my lungs
smoke in my throat
blood on my hands
Anything
to get rid of the
ghosts in my heart.

   The pain arched within her and she had to let out a hissing breath. She did not cry anymore, that particular thing had been wrung from her, not a tear was left within her. She felt dry, used up and ready to fly away on a breeze. Great Goddess, that really did piss her off. She felt weak for feeling the way she did. It should go away, this wanting, this desire she had for him. It should have been replaced by something else but it was as if it was impervious to any tactic she had.
Then seeing him, just being within proximity of him, made her heart flutter, her skin tingle and her mind to go completely insane. She felt as if she were the ghost, flittering about hoping he would notice and come rescue her.
She snorted with derision at that thought. She needed to get a grip.
She tucked the journal away, pulled out a clove cigarette and a lighter.
The flame touched the end of the cigarette and that flickering beacon let her know there was some warmth somewhere in the world.
She inhaled and let out a slow cloud of smoke.
There was the tar on her lungs and the smoke in her throat.
The blood was on her heart, not her hands and it danced with the ghosts.

Weather

I have learned to weather the storms of my soul.
Indeed I have.

Indeed....
he was unexpected.
I truly did not expect him or his effect on me
my heart,
my mind
my feelings.
He was the calming sound of the light pitter-patter of drizzle on an April Sunday morning
in my brutal, destructive hurricane.

I stand in the land where he walked away in a storm.

I close my eyes, still seeing those words wash over me.
The harsh reality of them is still evident for my heart still aches.
Why? The insanity of that one word is lost on me.
If I were to take that word, toss it into the chaos of my soul it would explode into a white hot star that would burn for eternity.
An eternity where visions of what could have been fly past in streaks of light.

I lost much.
Then I fought as a warrior should when their own soul is at stake.

My hurricane has settled to a tropical storm but the waves still lash the rocky beach of my heart when I read words that remind me of you.

I still day dream.

I wish to hear that calming sound of the rain gently falling while I lean into your warm body wishing winter would never come.
For the cold has a way of taking us apart, hiding us away in the deepest recesses of our world and we miss the warmth of one another.

I miss your warmth.
I miss what could have been.

I miss my sanity.
It has been stolen and my heart is still being lashed by storm waves of loss.

With a soft sob she tossed aside the pen and stared at the page where she had written out the ache within her soul.
Her gaze went to the window, she could hear dogs barking in the distance and the birds in the trees and things almost seemed normal.
Except for the pit within her stomach where she felt there was a black pit of despair that would take her down in a heartbeat if she let her guard down.

The air was cool, as fall was quickly approaching and she really did not want winter.
It made her feel as if she was cut off from the world and frozen within.
She shook herself from this melancholy and chastised herself for thinking so deeply about someone who walked out of her life.
The paper with her soul written upon it showed her the cold, harsh reality of how lost she truly was. She would never admit to him though for she feared he would laugh or think her weak.
A shiver of despair washed over her and she decided she could not keep these words.
She tucked the page into the shredder beneath her desk.
The page disappeared into the grinding teeth and fell shredded into the bin.
It looked like her life, those bits of paper all tossed together with no hope of ever reconstructing what they were originally.
She was not the same person and that was ok, she did feel stronger but the days like this one where her heart exploded with an aching need of him scared her.
Friends told her that she would heal in time.
Time had passed, she had healed some but she felt she would never truly heal completely.
For how does one heal from something they desire with all of their soul?

Never Understand

She stood up from the chair quickly, her eyes ablaze for he had finally said the thing that she did not want to hear.
She had told him her side of things over and over. Did he hear her? No, he only wanted to be right. That was the kind of man he was, a right fighter. It did not matter that his view was skewed, selfish and egotistical he only wished to be right.
He sat there and said those horrible things about her to someone else?!
He betrayed her in a way that was not right and he blamed her.
How the hell was his betrayal her fault?
Her body trembled with the fury that raced through her heart and then swirled like poison in her stomach.

Eyes narrowed she said softly.
"I have said so many things to help you understand, I have explained myself until I was blue in the face. I did everything you wanted. I stopped when you said. Then you said you wanted things this way, just us, this way and then you go and do what you told me to stop doing?"

Her voice had no brittle edge to it, in reality it was low and fierce.
Then she tilted her head at his next words that struck her like a hammer.

"It was how I felt at the time and I acted." his smugness was sickening.

With a lift of her chin she stared him in the eyes and said.

"And I think I realized that even after all my explaining, you still would never understand. You have proven me correct and with that being said...goodbye."

She turned, ignoring his protests and scooped up her keys.
She was leaving this place. Leaving him and all the betrayal behind.
Yes it would be hard to live on her own but she would not exist in a marriage where she was twisted into something she was not.

She walked into the sunlight, lifted her face to the warm rays and knew winter was coming but for now the sunshine warmed some of the cold recesses of her heart.

After Summer

   The last tank top was placed into the winter storage bin and pushed to the back of the closet. She came out into the bedroom and the sunset caught her eye out the window. Wispy clouds hung low over the mountain tops, painted purple, pink and yellow by the setting sun.
The nights had ceased being warm, they were now crisp and invigorating.
The aspens in her yard were starting to change into their fall formal dress of yellow and orange.
She loved fall as much as she loved spring but summer always held her heart.
Summer is where she found love. Fall is where she lost that love.
Winter is where she sat with the broken heart.
Spring is where she came to life once again.

   Her gaze went to the sunset again and a v of Canadian geese flew by. Their moving on to escape the harshness of the winter showed her that she had to move on as well.
As hard as it was to do. As much as she wanted to cling to the memories that were beginning to fade. As much as she wanted things to go back to that good time she knew that if the geese could move on after summer then so could she.
She would not ever forget the time they spent together.
She would never forget the look in his dark eyes.
But she has moved on, memories intact and safely tucked away for her to cherish.

"At least we had the summer my love. At least we had that and who knows, maybe we have another one in us." she said softly to the disappearing geese and then turned back to the packing of summer.

Hearts at Intervals

Great Goddess she was a fool.
Of course her bravado did her no good. She talked a big game but when it came down to when she needed to step up, be strong, she faltered. As usual.

It was his eyes.
Those gorgeous, deep brown eyes that she ached to stare into for eons.
She saw him today.
Not the fleeting across the room glance of his form moving by.
But a full on, two foot away, breathless encounter.

Oh it pissed her off to no end that this guy, who just did not care, could still mess her up inside.
She would never admit it. Hell no.
She could not meet his eyes for it would give her away.
She would walk by without a word, eyes elsewhere, breath caught in her throat.
She had no words anyway. What could she say at this point? After what he said and what she knew he meant.
So the silence reigned. Painfully lorded over her broken heart.

It's a travesty when two hearts, at different intervals in life, find each other.
And although they would otherwise be perfect for each other, they can't be together, for the timing isn't right.

She didn't cry anymore.
The pain was not raw anymore, time had seen fit to scar her up.
But she was not impervious to her own day dreams and desires.
There were times when she really delved deep into her dreams where he was at her side, happiness was abundant, that a tear would steal down her cheek.
The tear wrung from a scarred heart for what might have been.
Then the tear dries up for it was over. Well and truly over.
No talking. No smiles. No touches. Nothing but dark, silence with glances to the ground.
Such harsh tactics to keep hearts guarded.

But there was a moment where she saw him for who he truly was. A sweet, caring, smiling soul who wished to only make her happy. That person would always be engraved on her heart.
Bright and hot like a star.

He was her dream and in this lifetime it was not to be.
Perhaps that was all it was.....just a dream

Otherness

   He saw her, up close, for the first time in a while. It was startling to be sure but it also strangely soothed him to know she was still part of his world in some small way.
He felt himself gape at her as she strolled by and the memories rushed in like a swarm of bees. He wanted to run away from the pain but the images came hard and fast.
The way her eyes crinkled when she really smiled wide. The twinkle in those green depths when she was teasing him. The feel of her skin under his hands and the sound of her soft moans as he delved deeply within her.
The look in her green eyes as she passed him was startling. He thought he would see anger, dismissal but what he saw confused him, frightened him and also gave him a slight shiver of hope.

He seemed to be without breath as he went on his way, almost running up the stairs to escape the ghost.
When he reached his destination he must have looked spooked for more than one person questioned him about his composure. He knew if he had looked in a mirror at that moment he would see his mouth pinched in a tight line, his back ram rod straight and his brow furrowed in what can only be called agitation.

Letting out a slow breath he stared at nothing for a moment, gather his thoughts to the task at hand. It was hard to reign in the images of silken skin, sweet smiles just for him, and the knowledge that that woman had loved him very much at one time. But what about now?
He refused to examine how he felt about her for she was his kryptonite. The one woman who could undo him and send him to his knees. Not in submission but in the desire to please, to make her gorgeous face light up in love.

He grabbed a pen and wrote as the thoughts came to him.

She always had that look about her, that look of otherness, of eyes that see things much too far
and of thoughts that wander off the edge of the world.

Tossing the pen aside he did not see the person behind him until he spoke.

"Who is that about?" a male voice said and he about came out of his skin. Turning in his chair he saw his friend from down the hall.
He shook his head and then sighed.
"Someone I lost."

His friend nodded as he leaned against the wall.
"How did you lose her?"

A sad smile touched his lips and he said softly. "Arrogance and stupidity."

"We all get there sometimes. Won't she forgive?"

"It's a matter of choice. My choice. I chose something else and while I know she understood she....damn....hell..." he ran a hand through his hair and sighed softly.

"Yeah. well what does that mean then?" his friend nodded to the paper on the desk.

He stared at the paper a moment knowing that he had to do what he had to do. But then it was an easy choice at the time. what he had was easy in a way, he knew it all, the ins and outs and how to play it. This woman, this amazing creature that stirred his very soul to insane heights, scared the hell out of him and he knew, just by looking in her eyes, that she knew everything there was to know about him. Every secret. Every bad thing he had ever done. Every good deed. Every trespass on a heart. She had his number and it terrified him. She was a witch come with spells casted on his heart and soul.
"She was my conscious. She saw into my heart and soul but accepted it as it was meant to be. She could see things as they came, touched people where they needed to heal and all at her own expense. Not of this world. Something that fell from space, flaming like a star not meant for a mere mortal such as myself." he said softly and stared at the paper, not seeing the words but seeing those haunting green eyes.

I Wish That Night was Infinite

She stood at the ocean's edge staring out over the water that rushed at her over and over. A constant, soothing sound, the waves that she finally felt as if she was anchored to the ground.
She had run away from what troubled her and this is where she ended up.
Over 800 miles away from her home in the mountains to stand on the beach where she grew up as a child.
Her heart ached for the loss, for something she wished she could have known more of but she now knew it was not meant to be. He had chosen another and turned his back to her.
A pain of loss and a sense of weariness washed over her but this was to be her healing, a final healing for her battle worn soul.

"I wish that night was infinite, that the emotions we felt at that very moment were preserved forever. All those hurried kisses and frantic "I love you's" had no need to rush if they knew there was no such concept as 'time'. There would have been no need for hugs that were too tight, as if desperately grabbing onto a love that's fleeting. Like a video on replay, we'd be living the same scene, holding the same feelings, staring into the same eyes, again and again and again."

She whispered softly to the waves as they rolled up the sand to her feet.
She remembered his kisses, they were seared to her soul. The way his hands felt sliding over her skin and how tightly he held her as if she would disappear in an instant.
They were special together, they just did not get the time to really get to know the depth of their souls.
If they had.......there would be no parting them.

The waves continued, as they would for eternity, and she knew her love for him would eternally flow through her soul just the same.

Late Night Conversations

Late night conversations.
We have had some really good ones, in some very interesting conversations.
I love the look in your eyes when you get passionate about a subject.
I loved how you listen to me with all of your attention.

Your arms around me in those tight hugs were heaven.
You have no idea how I wanted to bury my face in your shirt and inhale.
To get high on your scent.

Your hands on my hips as we listened, waited, and all I wanted to do was lay my lips along the curve of your neck.
Feel you shiver underneath me.
Dart my tongue out to taste your skin that was so tantalizingly close.

Inside I melt and tremble at the thought of being in your arms again.
Being the one that your eyes latch onto with desire and need.
I want to please you.
I want to be the one who makes you smile.
I want to make you happy.

I miss having late night conversations with you.
I simply miss all of you.

Where Are You Now

She sat in her chair in the desert staring up at the night sky.
Stars twinkled above and satellites zoomed by on their endless orbit of our world.

The binoculars sat in her lap forgotten as she felt sadness wash over her.
Someone else should be here with her, sitting in a chair right beside her, looking at the same sky.
They were to share adventures. They were to share this night together.
But he went silent.
He pulled away from the intensity of what had come before and left her with her own thoughts.

Their souls had connected.
He did not know what to do.
And so he left.

"Where are you now. Do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd."
She whispered to the stars knowing she would never get an answer.

"I think of you...every day and I miss you."

Never Us

you and me and never us;
     a complicated
                 series of
almost interactions,

        where we never touch
and only our eyes graze one another as we pass.

Longings that flow through
   us
       like whispers of something lost on a summer day.

         What if I reached out to brush your hand
as we almost interacted?
would you
                       flinch?
stare?       speak?     
         run....
run away from the wild sensations that would attack your skin.
That would make my skin flush with desire....

desire like that one time...

long
      long
              ago....

Once upon a time......

Women and Emotions

A very true statement which I have seen in action more than once.
A woman needs to be soft and caring when it is required of her but not when it is inconvenient for another.
Emotions are considered something to run away from rather than face.
Then there is a gal such as myself who feels her own emotions and then everyone else's as well.

Tell me what in the hell do I do with that?

I have been called out on 'emotions' before and I wonder, what does it mean to be 'emotional'?
It means that you are staring at someone you care for. That person has brought up something within you that you wish to share.
Whether it be frustration, passion, love or pain you want to share it with another human being who may listen, comfort and make you feel better or perhaps they will slap you down as you make them uncomfortable.

Funny, I have never been a drama filled thing.
But there has been one that brought out the wild, weeping, crazy that we all have within us.
Was I proud of it? Hell no. But did I feel what they were feeling? Hell yes.
Do I understand now that some of what was happening was their emotional roller coaster taking me for a ride?
Yes.

I hopped off that wild ride, though I wished to stay on, I did not have anyone to hold my hand through the scary parts.
Now I stand as an emotional woman, unafraid and unashamed to say yes I feel.
Yes I will feel deeply.
I will be a basket case at times.
I will be a banshee.
But with all that comes the most amazing, understanding, awesome woman you would ever wish to know.

I know my worth.
Took me a while to find it but I have it firmly within me now.
Right in my basket with my stuffed banshee right beside it.

Now come...let's play. ;)

At Some Point

   A glance to her phone and nothing yet again. Her heart sank into the ground and she let out a loud sigh of pain. She hated his silences, hated how he pulled away just when they got closer. She had an idea of why he did such things, it was protection but he knew he did not have to protect himself from her. She understood his position, understood what he needed and what she needed was his friendship. Being with him was wonderful. She felt accepted and listened to. They clicked so easily and it had been that way from the very first moment they met. A distinct attachment to one another and they became fast friends.
She adored his smile. Adored the way he teased. Wished there was more between them and she felt he did to but they had come to the conclusion such a union would not be wise.
This last time they had spent time together something shifted within them and deep realizations had come out.
She hoped something would blossom and as it started to he shut her off.
It hurt to be ignored by someone you cared so much for. He was a part of her and that would never change. They were bound by something beyond their understanding. It was scary, yes, but if....only but if.
She sighed again and looked at her phone. Should she call him? Should she email him?
Something inside her shifted and she feared she would lose him forever. She seemed desperate and while she was inside, she did not need to tell him this.
Goddess, she missed him so very much. She wanted to be in his arms again, smoothing her hands over his back to chase away any bad memories or feelings. She wanted to be his buffer to the world and she wanted him to be her rock. The one person she could count on for anything.
The quote stood out to her and it made her heart ache.
What is truly yours would eventually be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

Tears streamed down her face as she lay down to try and forget someone she considered unforgettable.

Mad at Myself

   Overwhelmed she pushed out of the cool building into the bright, hot summer afternoon. A day like this with a bright blue sky and not a cloud in the sky should have made her feel wonderful but today only a feeling of frustration filled her soul. She hated arguing with him, hated the way they seemed to always crash into one another when they tried to talk and she was done.
She had to be or she would go insane.

"Would you wait!" a voice floated to her on the windy, hot day and fear washed over her sharply. A glance back to see him rushing after her, a frown on his face and she knew she just did not want to have this conversation.

The emotions were too strong. She felt too much. She needed to drink until she could not feel anymore.

She shook her head and continued onward through the parking lot towards her car.
Once she reached the car she turned to see him right there, anger blazing in his eyes and she stepped back bumping against the car.

"What the hell are you mad for! I swear this is why I run the fuck away from you and your crazy emotions." he raged.

His anger, his love, his frustration buffeted her like a storm and it lashed her soul with its intensity. She wished she could lay her hands on him, heal those open wounds he had on his heart and make him see the true path that they had before them. But he would not take that. He was arrogant, strong and stubborn. He also lacked the vision to see past what he wanted in the moment and she wondered why he stood before her now when he had what he chose, what he wanted other than her.

"I'm mad at myself, not you."
she said in a whisper and she watched him freeze, his eyes widening and the anger slipping off his face.

"I'm mad for always  being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, forgiving you, dreaming of you..."
by the end of the sentence her voice was loud and strong. Un-shed tears in her eyes as she watched him stand there mute with pain on his face.
She shook her head and then took a deep breath, cutting off his words with a raised hand.

"But most of all, for not hating you for which I know I should but I... just....can't."
The last word came out as a soft whisper of pain and the tears streamed down her face.
She had admitted her weakness.
She stood, waiting for the condemnation or for the gentle words she knew he had within her.
Which ones would come?
She had no idea but she needed to have her say, to speak her truth and be free.