Have You Ever Been in Love?

The rain fell hard outside and she watched him walk away, again, in her mind for the thousandth time. She sighed and realized that she had no control over her thoughts. She had no control over anything anymore and her soul ached with such a ferocity it made it hard to breathe.

"You are thinking again." her friend said from her seat on the couch.

The pain was so evident in her eyes that she could see her friend frown with worry when she turned from the window to look at her.

"Have you ever been in love?" she asked and her friend gave a slight nod but remained silent.

"Horrible isn't it?" Her friend shrugged but sat up straighter, worry in her eyes.

"It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up."
She began to pace back and forth. The sorrow welling up in her, making her voice waver a little as she continued.

"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, wanders into your stupid life!" She paused a moment, breathing heavy, feeling her heart pound.

"You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts! Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain."

She did not even realize she had started crying somewhere in the middle of her tirade. She let the tears fall from her cheeks to the floor and she stared at her friend who looked like she wanted to cry as well. She knew she was letting her pain flow outward. She felt as if she would never have the love she wished for. He left and did not leave anything behind except cruel memories. Memories are not something you can touch they are fleeting shadows of the person you wished to have. They make you think you could have done this or that different and they would not have left. Then you have the cruelest thing of all; hope.

"I hate love." she whispered softly and turned back to the window.

The rain was still falling hard and thunder could be heard in the distance.
She wanted the lightning strike. She wanted to feel his touch once again.
But she knew it would never be and so she watched the gray world before her and imagined something better has to be ahead.